Husband doesn't remember a night out abroad

[Mulberryl]

Hi all,

My husband went on a work trip last week. One night he said he was going to a bar with his colleagues.

I spoke with him at 5pm their time as he was leaving and that was the last time I heard from him that night. Towards the midnight I started getting worried and phoned him a few times. He finally phoned me at 12.30am saying he'd just come back to the hotel. He sounded quite drunk.

Next day I was going through our bank statement and saw that there were a few separate transactions at the bar to the value of 4-5 drinks. Then there was a fast food transaction and finally £100 cash was taken out at an ATM that night...

He insists he stayed at the bar throughout the night. The bar's website suggests it closes earlier than midnight. When I ask him this he says he doesn't remember. I ask him why he took cash out, he first said 'because it was easier than buying drinks with cash than my card'. It didn't make sense so I questioned further and he then said he didn't remember why he took the cash out. He says as he was drunk maybe he thought it was a good idea.

There's also discrepancy about how he got to the hotel. He says that he was given a lift by a colleague, then said he took the tram... When I ask further he keeps saying that he doesn't remember.

My trust is completely gone. I cannot for the life of me hold him accountable. He keeps saying he doesn't temember a thing.

I also find it infuriating that he got blackout drunk in a country neither of us are familiar with in a business trip.

My husband is English, whereas I'm from a culture where people are more possessive. That's why I'd like to take a step back and not react to any jealousy sort of stuff immediately. But the whole thing is too much to take in.

I wanted to ask you lovely people what you make of it. Would you also be upset/angry or not think much of it? Thanks!

@redlip right so say if you suspected something, or your spidey-senses were tingling what would you do? Would you just leave immediately or would you investigate at all? If you asked your DH would he immediately be truthful if he'd cheated? How would you know? Would you blindly accept his answer even if he doesn't remember and something doesn't feel right?

Please tell us so we can all learn from your valuable experience.

@FuchsAndMöhr Actually reading the more recent replies it's 100% spot on thanks.

This is the relationships board where women post week after week about their cheating husbands but yet here we are with the usual glut of posters telling OP she is suspicious and untrusting and must examine her own behaviour 🙄 Right...

The women who have good relationships and whose husbands are faithful tend not to post on the relationships board. And the women who reply to posts on this boards are conversely more likely to have had shit husbands that did behave badly.

If this was the latest in a long series in odd behaviour there might be something to worry about. Going out for literally a few hours with colleagues and not being precisely sure what cash got spent on does not by itself scream anything dodgy.
On the other hand, without anything suspicious to go on, micromanaging your partner's behaviour as OP has done is controlling.

But OPs only basis for suspecting something is that he had a night out with colleagues and withdrew some cash?

In a trusting relationship that wouldn't set "spidey senses" tingling

The women who have good relationships and whose husbands are faithful tend not to post on the relationships board. And the women who reply to posts on this boards are conversely more likely to have had shit husbands that did behave badly.

The biggest load of shit I've read all year 😂

Obviously you don't read very much.

Perhaps you could explain your reasoning?
I had a quick peruse of the first page of posts and can't spot a single one from a poster telling us about their wonderful relationship . But happy for you to poing out what I've missed?

Or you could just carry on being rude and unpleasant.

@redskyatnight Ok let's test out your theory then. This is the Relationships board and you're replying. Is your husband shit and a cheat?

And stating my opinion is not being rude or unpleasant by the way. I think you are projecting, again.

Hooker or stripclub.

@redskyatnight there's a flaw in your reasoning. I didn't go to the 'relationship' board to post. This thread was in trending. Should we take a vote to see how posters came upon it?

not cheating (as far as I know, which reading Relationships has led me to think that I probably don't). I do have some concerns about my relationship yes - which is why I am perusing the board in the first place.

Telling someone that their post is the biggest load of shit you have read all year. is not what I would call pleasant by the way. I think you might want to examine how you speak to people if you think it is.

Is your husband shit and a cheat?

He never cheats but he can be a real shit sometimes. So I purposely tell him his favourite biscuits were substituted for mine in the grocery delivery.

You might have found the thread via Trending, but it's still on the Relationships board and you made a choice to reply to it knowing that. Shall we take a vote on whether people reply to threads in different ways depending on which board they are on? I think we all know (for example) that people respond differently to threads raised in AIBU to ones raised in Chat to ones raised in the forums that are more for support.

Talking of which, none of this is helping the OP, so perhaps we should let the thread revert to talking about the topic she raised?

@redskyatnight but I think it's important because a. I didn't know it was relationships rather than AIBU etc and b. I don't think you can assume that everyone replying is of the same elk and therefore their advice is slanted!

It hadn't actually occurred to me that people don't check to see what board they are posting on before doing so. It's often quite relevant in terms of context.

However, the Relationships board does have a large disclaimer at the top of it so I suspect the number of people arriving at it and not realising (and clearly you did realise at some point) will be fairly small.

This is the relationships board where women post week after week about their cheating husbands but yet here we are with the usual glut of posters telling OP she is suspicious and untrusting and must examine her own behaviour 🙄 Right...

I don't think it is terribly wise to use the Mumsnet relationship board as some kind of barometer on the state of your average UK relationship. People come here to vent, complain and seek advice for problems, not to wax lyrical about how awesome their partners are.

However, the Relationships board does have a large disclaimer at the top of it so I suspect the number of people arriving at it and not realising (and clearly you did realise at some point) will be fairly small.

I access via the phone app and literally have no idea what you are talking about.

My husband has done this on rare occasion he goes out. Gets money out of cashpoint when he has a card. Goes to bar to get round jn and wanders off. Lol. People on here have your DH as a drug induced John. It's ridiculous .

@redskyatnight right I've just looked at the desktop version of MN. By large disclaimer are you talking about the text beginning 'Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications...' ? That does not appear on the app and you've made a massive assumption there. The app has a tiny sub heading that is only visible if you're at the first or last post ie not at a time when you're reading the thread and likely to be replying.