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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband doesn't remember a night out abroad

193 replies

Mulberryl · 22/07/2022 15:33

Hi all,

My husband went on a work trip last week. One night he said he was going to a bar with his colleagues.

I spoke with him at 5pm their time as he was leaving and that was the last time I heard from him that night. Towards the midnight I started getting worried and phoned him a few times. He finally phoned me at 12.30am saying he'd just come back to the hotel. He sounded quite drunk.

Next day I was going through our bank statement and saw that there were a few separate transactions at the bar to the value of 4-5 drinks. Then there was a fast food transaction and finally £100 cash was taken out at an ATM that night...

He insists he stayed at the bar throughout the night. The bar's website suggests it closes earlier than midnight. When I ask him this he says he doesn't remember. I ask him why he took cash out, he first said 'because it was easier than buying drinks with cash than my card'. It didn't make sense so I questioned further and he then said he didn't remember why he took the cash out. He says as he was drunk maybe he thought it was a good idea.

There's also discrepancy about how he got to the hotel. He says that he was given a lift by a colleague, then said he took the tram... When I ask further he keeps saying that he doesn't remember.

My trust is completely gone. I cannot for the life of me hold him accountable. He keeps saying he doesn't temember a thing.

I also find it infuriating that he got blackout drunk in a country neither of us are familiar with in a business trip.

My husband is English, whereas I'm from a culture where people are more possessive. That's why I'd like to take a step back and not react to any jealousy sort of stuff immediately. But the whole thing is too much to take in.

I wanted to ask you lovely people what you make of it. Would you also be upset/angry or not think much of it? Thanks!

OP posts:
sunsetsandsandybeaches · 23/07/2022 14:59

alwaysontheloo · 23/07/2022 14:37

And if your H doesn't remember why he paid card for drinks and can't remember how he got home then he needs to knock drinking on the head because he's a danger to himself.

Or, he remembers but doesn't want to deal with anymore grief from the OP, so is pretending he can't remember for an easy life.

If I was out with friends and my DH rang me multiple times, checked our bank account and then went on the website of the bar I was at to see what time it closed, I'd be furious with him. It's not exactly rational behaviour.

alwaysontheloo · 23/07/2022 15:02

@redlip If you can't see there is a world between wanting to know why her husband doesn't remember where he is to keeping him prisoner then you have issues you need to deal with.
Stop excusing shitty behaviour and get some standards.
He is the one that doesn't know where he was, what if something bad happened to him or he was spiked. Or are you just posting to put OP in her place and tell her to put up and shut up? 🤔 Very odd

alwaysontheloo · 23/07/2022 15:04

@sunsetsandsandybeaches

Or, he remembers but doesn't want to deal with anymore grief from the OP, so is pretending he can't remember for an easy life.

Yeah that's kind of what OP is worried about....I mean, if he hasn't done anything for OP to worry about, what's the issue with telling her? 🤔 It would put her mind at ease for one and shouldn't he want that?

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/07/2022 15:06

Jesus, some right poundshop Columbos on this thread itching to find some wrong doing. The biggest issue here is the complete lack of trust in the relationship.

Taking out 100 euros is fuck all on the grand scheme of things in a European city. He could be paying back a work colleague who bought him drinks or dinner, he might have headed to some dive bar that did not accept cards, money for a taxi back to the hotel or for the next day to get to the office or airport, he might have only wanted take 60 euros out but the machine only dispenses in 50 denominations. Sometimes your domestic bank card is refused when overseas so having a bit of cash is reassuring. But this Mumsnet so clearly he was using the money to snort a few lines of coke from the arse crack of some prostitute while using what was left as seed money to start up a human trafficking ring.

alwaysontheloo · 23/07/2022 15:08

I love how all the usual suspects are 100% convinced that the man is 100% innocent. Yet they don't know OPs husband like she does, do they?

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 23/07/2022 15:10

alwaysontheloo · 23/07/2022 15:04

@sunsetsandsandybeaches

Or, he remembers but doesn't want to deal with anymore grief from the OP, so is pretending he can't remember for an easy life.

Yeah that's kind of what OP is worried about....I mean, if he hasn't done anything for OP to worry about, what's the issue with telling her? 🤔 It would put her mind at ease for one and shouldn't he want that?

Well, OP admits it's normal in her culture to be possessive - my experience with people like that, is even if you do tell the truth, they won't believe you anyway.

I mean - to me, it makes sense that he got a bit too drunk and therefore doesn't really remember the logic of taking £100 out of the cash point. We've all done stupid things when drunk or with friends that we wouldn't do when sober or alone. The "group mentality" if you will.

So if DH went out with colleagues and came home a bit worse for wear and with a random £100 in his wallet, I would just laugh at him for being a tit, lol. So it seems to me that OP doesn't trust her husband, else she wouldn't have gone online, looked at bank statements and then continued on to look on the bars' website to check the closing times. It's just so bizarre to me.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 23/07/2022 15:11

Jesus, some right poundshop Columbos on this thread itching to find some wrong doing.

😂

illiterato · 23/07/2022 15:18

Maybe he’s lying about the business trip and has actually gone to Ukraine to be a mercenary and needed the 100 quid to get a gun. Pull out his fingernails until he admits it.

PoseyFlump · 23/07/2022 15:25

It's not even about whether he was up to no good or not.

Are you genuinely all saying that if you, yourself, withdrew a load of money and then had absolutely no memory of what you did with it that you'd be fine with that?

I guess there's the divide. Because to me a hundred quid is a lot when the price of food is rocketing and I'd be freaked out if I lost my memory, work jolly or otherwise. If that is 'normal' to you then I really think you've got problems.

Holidayy · 23/07/2022 15:33

"unless it's a country where you can buy a prostituted woman for £100"

Every country in the world then

MichaelAndEagle · 23/07/2022 15:43

PoseyFlump · 23/07/2022 15:25

It's not even about whether he was up to no good or not.

Are you genuinely all saying that if you, yourself, withdrew a load of money and then had absolutely no memory of what you did with it that you'd be fine with that?

I guess there's the divide. Because to me a hundred quid is a lot when the price of food is rocketing and I'd be freaked out if I lost my memory, work jolly or otherwise. If that is 'normal' to you then I really think you've got problems.

Wasting 100 pounds, losing memory in night out would be a problem to me.
But.... I wouldn't automatically think drugs or prostitute unless I already had reason to suspect it.

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/07/2022 15:46

PoseyFlump

If your job involves international travel I would assume that your salary could probably take the hit of a missing 100 euros. So long as you are not losing money every time you go out then you can chalk this up as a stupid one off mistake and get on with your life.

girlmom21 · 23/07/2022 15:56

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/07/2022 15:46

PoseyFlump

If your job involves international travel I would assume that your salary could probably take the hit of a missing 100 euros. So long as you are not losing money every time you go out then you can chalk this up as a stupid one off mistake and get on with your life.

I had a job that involved international travel when I was on £22k...

redlip · 23/07/2022 16:10

alwaysontheloo · 23/07/2022 15:02

@redlip If you can't see there is a world between wanting to know why her husband doesn't remember where he is to keeping him prisoner then you have issues you need to deal with.
Stop excusing shitty behaviour and get some standards.
He is the one that doesn't know where he was, what if something bad happened to him or he was spiked. Or are you just posting to put OP in her place and tell her to put up and shut up? 🤔 Very odd

@alwaysontheloo I have perfectly good standards thanks. For a start I wouldn't be in a relationship or marriage with no trust.

If a cash withdrawal on a night out automatically equated to cheating/prostitution/drugs id be long gone.

It's people willing to stay in a relationship with this level of suspicion and mistrust that need to consider their standards

Lotusflower16 · 23/07/2022 16:13

Perhaps ask yourself why you don't trust him at all. This doesn't sound like something unexpected. If there are trust issues between you, then try and solve them first.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 23/07/2022 18:28

Are you genuinely all saying that if you, yourself, withdrew a load of money and then had absolutely no memory of what you did with it that you'd be fine with that?

I mean, I'd think "bloody hell, I must have drunk more than planned!" but it wouldn't freak me out or scare me.

I guess there's the divide. Because to me a hundred quid is a lot when the price of food is rocketing and I'd be freaked out if I lost my memory, work jolly or otherwise. If that is 'normal' to you then I really think you've got problems.

If I was so hard up that I couldn't afford to lose £100, I would leave my card at home and just take out a set amount cash so I couldn't overspend.

While it's not ideal, lots of people drink on work trips and don't always have a solid memory of what happens. Unless it happened regularly then it wouldn't concern me in the slightest 🤷🏻‍♀️

MichaelAndEagle · 23/07/2022 19:18

It's people willing to stay in a relationship with this level of suspicion and mistrust that need to consider their standards

Absolutely 💯

PoseyFlump · 23/07/2022 19:25

@sunsetsandsandybeaches I don't disagree with you. My comments were aimed more at the flippant posters seemingly suggesting it was very normal to get like that when out drinking. I'd be worried about someone I loved, man or woman, regularly putting themselves into a risky situation, especially with the memory loss. There's enough weirdos out there who would take advantage.

Then there's the burden on others. My friend is always complaining that she can't relax and enjoy herself on nights out because she knows her sister will get shit faced and need babysitting. So yeah, it happens, but should it be normalised?

LampLighter414 · 23/07/2022 19:26

Could you try to search through his messages and emails from that night Op?

QueSyrahSyrah · 23/07/2022 19:39

When it comes to the memory loss, there have been a couple of nights when I've been out and had a few and in the morning found there were blanks in my memory, but DH has assured me that I was fine throughout, capable, lucid, not endangering myself or needing to be cared for. It's like my memory just stops recording from time to time.

I don't think not being able to remember every detail after a boozy night is necessarily indicative of being black out wasted.

MichaelAndEagle · 23/07/2022 20:10

I'm sure its been shown that memory loss isn't necessarily linked to how drunk you are.

PoseyFlump · 23/07/2022 20:12

True @QueSyrahSyrah I don't think it's necessarily you blacking out. It's probably more that your brain isn't working properly and doesn't 'store' the memories. What's the long term risk with that?

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 23/07/2022 20:28

LampLighter414 · 23/07/2022 19:26

Could you try to search through his messages and emails from that night Op?

Why would you encourage someone to snoop like that?

girlmom21 · 23/07/2022 20:32

LampLighter414 · 23/07/2022 19:26

Could you try to search through his messages and emails from that night Op?

In case his dealer issued a VAT receipt for him to claim back on expenses?

FuchsAndMöhr · 23/07/2022 21:54

alwaysontheloo · 23/07/2022 14:36

Oh look all the men posters disguised as women posters are on to tell OP that she's being controlling and suspicious for her husband's dodgy behaviour and convenient lack of memory and how £100 isn't enough to pay for sex. Like they know. Of course it is.

Do fuck off gas lighting the OP and excusing men's shitty behaviour (and if you're actually women then shame on you).

OP YADNBU. Of course he remembers.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Most bat shit comment I’ve ever read on here!