Husband doesn't remember a night out abroad

[Mulberryl]

Hi all,

My husband went on a work trip last week. One night he said he was going to a bar with his colleagues.

I spoke with him at 5pm their time as he was leaving and that was the last time I heard from him that night. Towards the midnight I started getting worried and phoned him a few times. He finally phoned me at 12.30am saying he'd just come back to the hotel. He sounded quite drunk.

Next day I was going through our bank statement and saw that there were a few separate transactions at the bar to the value of 4-5 drinks. Then there was a fast food transaction and finally £100 cash was taken out at an ATM that night...

He insists he stayed at the bar throughout the night. The bar's website suggests it closes earlier than midnight. When I ask him this he says he doesn't remember. I ask him why he took cash out, he first said 'because it was easier than buying drinks with cash than my card'. It didn't make sense so I questioned further and he then said he didn't remember why he took the cash out. He says as he was drunk maybe he thought it was a good idea.

There's also discrepancy about how he got to the hotel. He says that he was given a lift by a colleague, then said he took the tram... When I ask further he keeps saying that he doesn't remember.

My trust is completely gone. I cannot for the life of me hold him accountable. He keeps saying he doesn't temember a thing.

I also find it infuriating that he got blackout drunk in a country neither of us are familiar with in a business trip.

My husband is English, whereas I'm from a culture where people are more possessive. That's why I'd like to take a step back and not react to any jealousy sort of stuff immediately. But the whole thing is too much to take in.

I wanted to ask you lovely people what you make of it. Would you also be upset/angry or not think much of it? Thanks!

Its the idea there are no innocent explanations for getting the cash out that people are objecting to.

I always draw money out before going for a night out, even in the UK.

Most taxis and many bars especially in other countries don’t accept card.

I do it so I don’t spend too much, I’ve got cash for a taxi and because there’s less chance I’ll lose my bank card if I’m not getting it out all the time.

There is literally nothing odd about drawing out cash.

I would be VERY suspicious of this.
The only explanation for the cash withdrawal at that time of night would be drugs, strip club or prostitute.

If that was my bank statement and I couldn't remember that night, I would assume I wanted to buy street food and maybe a taxi. I guess they're all contactless now though, that's how long it's been since I had a big night out 😱

Does she say what time of night it was though? My bank statements show days, not times, for transactions.

It’s like everyone is missing the fact that the drunk husband was back in the hotel and on the phone to his wife at 12.30! That’s quite early really. Doesn’t sounds like a sordid night out to me.

He’s hardly likely to be doing drugs or sleeping with sex workers if he called you at 12:30 very drunk after buying 4/5 drinks at a bar, that really doesn’t leave much time for taking a load of drugs (without you noticing he was high on the phone) or sleeping with another woman. The £100 was probably spent on other drinks, food and a taxi since 4/5 drinks is unlikely to get most men that drunk.

Is there any reason you don’t trust him?

90% certain strippers are involved. That or drugs

I can only imagine those suggesting the only reason for a cash withdrawal would involve drugs or sex must be in some pretty shitty relationships. I would be thinking, food, cab, intention to go to different bar, wanting to have cash for the morning, being pissed & thinking it would be a good idea. Why would you be with a partner who would make you have that level of thinking?

100% this

If this was part of a bigger back story I'd maybe understand. But I'm shocked at the amount of people that think a man starting out til 12.30 and withdrawing cash = cheating/prostitutes/strippers/drugs

He was back in the hotel chatting to his wife at 12.30 m

I'm shocked that someone would even check a bank statement and interrogate their DH after this. It wouldn't even register in my head

Also, ATM's don't give you a time stamp on an online statement so they? so we've got no idea of the sequence of events. He could've taken the cash at the beginning of the night and bought a few rounds?

If he was drunk enough not to remember I'm sure he had more than 4-5 drinks. Also OP you're only guessing he paid for 4-5 drinks with his card. Without knowing the price list of the bar in the foreign country how do you even know this? It could've been an expensive place and only a couple of drinks then the rest in cash?

MrsRobinsonsHandprints Today 17:40
DrMorbius · Today 16:45
Your DH should be on the Martin Lewis show, sharing money saving tips, if can get drugs and hookers in a European city for £100.

I found what you have written suffocating

MrsRobinsonsHandprints
What does that even mean?*

I would also like to know 🤣

He's probably telling you he can’t remember because he doesn’t want to be interrogated further. He tries to offer explanations but they aren’t good enough answers for you.

Poor bloke. Have you thought that it could just be that he was letting his hair down with colleagues and is totally innocent?

Agreed.

No one wants the 3rd degree like this. If you're this suspicious leave and let both of you get on with life.

You sound a bit OTT to be honest.

I would probably be suspicious, too, so I do understand your concern.

I have to say though, I have huge blanks in memory every time I go out drinking, even if I don't drink that much! I hate it, but it is what it is. Also, if my dp questioned why I did what I did whilst drinking I wouldn't know what to say.. I do some very strange things 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣 I've never cheated or done anything my partner disapproved of though!

I can think of several reasons why you'd get cash out.

Taxi home.
Lending money to a colleague for a taxi.
The bar won't take card after closing, but will take cash.
They went to another bar that only took cash.
He was drunk and took out more money than he needed.
He took out money before he went out then realised he could use his card, or didn't want to spend loads on his card when he had cash in his wallet available.

Honestly, some of these posts are bonkers.

I don't think the cash withdrawal is suspicious. It's the not remembering bit that I'd be uneasy about, especially as he was in bed fairly early and not on an all night binge.

Oh look all the men posters disguised as women posters are on to tell OP that she's being controlling and suspicious for her husband's dodgy behaviour and convenient lack of memory and how £100 isn't enough to pay for sex. Like they know. Of course it is.

Do fuck off gas lighting the OP and excusing men's shitty behaviour (and if you're actually women then shame on you).

OP YADNBU. Of course he remembers.

And if your H doesn't remember why he paid card for drinks and can't remember how he got home then he needs to knock drinking on the head because he's a danger to himself.

@alwaysontheloo is exactly right. He either remembers or he's such a danger to himself he shouldn't be allowed out alone.

The level of distrust on this thread is unreal. OP, has he ever actually given you a reason not to trust him or be suspicious about this, or is it purely a great leap of imagination based on really not very much?

There could be any number of perfectly innocent explanations; I withdrew two lots of £50 cash on a night out a while ago, because a) drunk me somehow I decided I needed £50 to cover a circa £8 taxi fare that I could have paid by card and b) I forgot I'd withdrawn the first lot so did it again an hour later Woke up with a sore head and £92 cash in my bag.

If MN had been asked to analyse my bank transactions I'd almost certainly have been buying drugs or having lap dances.

Yeah she should lock him in the house, keep his bank card to help him with his finances and check his phone just to make sure he doesn't communicate with anyone except from her. Don't know how he's survived so long without running off with a prostitute on a drug fuelled binge with the level of independence he's been allowed

Tbh I've never cheated on a DP but if I did, I've have a very well rehearsed and practised back up story....doesn't sound like he does.

More likely he knows whatever he did l, the fact that he left his room and socialised will not be acceptable for her so it's easier not to remember.

I couldn't live like this