Husband doesn't remember a night out abroad

[Mulberryl]

Hi all,

My husband went on a work trip last week. One night he said he was going to a bar with his colleagues.

I spoke with him at 5pm their time as he was leaving and that was the last time I heard from him that night. Towards the midnight I started getting worried and phoned him a few times. He finally phoned me at 12.30am saying he'd just come back to the hotel. He sounded quite drunk.

Next day I was going through our bank statement and saw that there were a few separate transactions at the bar to the value of 4-5 drinks. Then there was a fast food transaction and finally £100 cash was taken out at an ATM that night...

He insists he stayed at the bar throughout the night. The bar's website suggests it closes earlier than midnight. When I ask him this he says he doesn't remember. I ask him why he took cash out, he first said 'because it was easier than buying drinks with cash than my card'. It didn't make sense so I questioned further and he then said he didn't remember why he took the cash out. He says as he was drunk maybe he thought it was a good idea.

There's also discrepancy about how he got to the hotel. He says that he was given a lift by a colleague, then said he took the tram... When I ask further he keeps saying that he doesn't remember.

My trust is completely gone. I cannot for the life of me hold him accountable. He keeps saying he doesn't temember a thing.

I also find it infuriating that he got blackout drunk in a country neither of us are familiar with in a business trip.

My husband is English, whereas I'm from a culture where people are more possessive. That's why I'd like to take a step back and not react to any jealousy sort of stuff immediately. But the whole thing is too much to take in.

I wanted to ask you lovely people what you make of it. Would you also be upset/angry or not think much of it? Thanks!

It’s possible. But you would have to hunt around.
Probably more likely the bar offered him a bottle of champagne for £50 - 100, and he thought it was a good idea at the time. Probably too embarrassed to admit now.

But he spoke to the OP at 12:30? That would have been a very quick/cheap prostitute visit.

Surely taxi is more likely and in that drunk way just got out too much cash..

If he’d disappeared all night that would be a worry.

He did well to get back to the hotel for 12.30 to call you if bars closed at 12…..I wouldn’t worry.

Ahh but would your ask interrogate your partner/husband in the first place?

Especially as you spoke to them at 5.30pm before they went out?

Unless he's given you previous reason to distrust him, I'd try to get over this. If it wouldn't be in character for him to sleep with a prostitute or have a lap dance, then it probably isn't what happened. It's also well known that people's memories aren't very good at being specific - inconsistency does not = lying, and people often end up creating problems for themselves or others because they assume it does.

In the most sympathetic way, it does sound to me that it is more your feelings than his actions that are at issue here.

I’m not 100% clear on what you mean by a culture that’s “more possessive”, British culture is, for the most part, very bound up in the idea of monogamy for couples. Straying is really unacceptable and generally cause for people re thinking their marriage. While some other cultures may tolerate more violent forms of expression of discontent when a partner strays, or may have different expectations about male/female interactions because of concerns about the chance of heterosexual infidelity, I don’t think they place more weight on sexual exclusivity than most people in the UK do.

I do agree with PP that I would find your ringing later in the evening until I picked up/called you intrusive and controlling, and so I wonder if this is what you’re referring to - checking up on what someone is doing to ensure they aren’t cheating is perhaps more acceptable in your culture than in the UK generally? I can see why people are jumping on it. But it’s not what you’re asking about. And even if it’s unacceptable in British culture by and large, it has still revealed something that makes you suspicious and not without some cause. I think a lot of Brits who found out their husband had taken out a bunch of cash when he was supposed to have gone to a bar he paid at with a card and then straight back to the hotel and then changed his story in a fog of “can’t remember” would find it unconvincing.

But it’s not a slam dunk that he’s been unfaithful. Given the details you’ve relayed, I would think most likely is he went off with friends to something that he can’t remember that probably wasn’t the wisest move in a foreign city whilst so drunk but also wasn’t getting laid. A strip club a distinct possibility but you’ve indicated you’re okay with that and it’s only one of many things. Given the details I think prostitution is a possibility but pretty lowish down the list, it’s just not enough money. A one night stand is unlikely (why the cash? And calling you at 12:30 inconsistent) and an affair with a work colleague very unlikely (again, why the cash?).

But you can’t know from what you have and you aren’t likely to find out by berating him. Does he have form for drinking too much on nights out? Does he have form for using sex workers? Does he have form for having affairs? I think you have to look beyond the details you have of this particular night and think about the type of man he has revealed himself to be to you in the past.

*I don’t think they place more weight on sexual exclusivity <by men> than most people in the UK do.

I'd be suspicious as hell, I'm amazed others wouldn't. He's changing his story left, right and centre. He'd already used the card to purchase drinks and food so if it was for more drinks he'd use the card, then he got out a lump sum of cash - what the hell for? Strip club is the least awful option it could be IMO. If it was Eastern Europe I'm pretty sure he could get sex or drugs with that amount. In fact I just looked up the price of a prostitute in Amsterdam and it's apparently 50 - 100 euros.

Go with your gut OP, there are a million times I wish I had and I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.

He was abroad on a business trip with colleagues. He spoke to you at 5:30pm -why did you feel the need to keep wanting to contact him? I have never (and would never) cheat on my DP but I'd be fed up with that level of surveillance and someone trying to call me on a night out. So what if he took cash out, I wouldn't even try to check if DP took cash out. Maybe he doesn't usually get so wasted at home so really let go whilst he was away. I think YABU and sound very possessive and as though you are trying to track him.

You’re on a business trip in a European city and get pissed in a bar, on the way back you take out £100 in cash because who likes to be abroad without some cash in their pocket? You might need to get taxis to meetings, spot something you’d like to buy, grab a drink and a sandwich the next day. This is all completely normal.

You are clearly unfamiliar wity the going rates for sex acts in the UK, let alone potentially cheaper European cities.

I think prostitution is a possibility but pretty lowish down the list, it’s just not enough money.

It really is.

If it's Eastern Europe, even more so.

I would if we had agreed on another call in the evening (on a business trip, 5.30pm would be too early to be able to actually have a chat. At least not during the trips, I or DH have done)

I mean knowing which European city he went to would help determine if drugs or prostitution were something common there. The withdrawal of cash is strange when using card prior so would suggest for something he didn’t wish to appear on bank statement. In Amsterdam you can buy services for as little as €50 for 15-30mins. Not sure what that entails though 🤔 I mean we have all got super drunk at some point in our lives, is it a good decision? No but enjoyable at the time! He is safe, if you have had no prior reason to doubt him then move on.

spoke with him at 5pm their time as he was leaving and that was the last time I heard from him that night. Towards the midnight I started getting worried and phoned him a few times. He finally phoned me at 12.30am saying he'd just come back to the hotel. He sounded quite drunk

Honestly Op, he should be allowed to go to work and go on work related trips/outings without having to check in with you. He’s a grown man for goodness sake.

And I’m pretty sure you want through the bank transactions as another way of checking up on him yet you say you take a step back from your cultural jealousies. I’d have never guessed the latter if you hadn’t told us.

It's a fortune to some people

<snort>

I found what you have written suffocating.

Probably coke or lap dances or prostitute.

Which city?

This would be me on a night out… sometimes I get cash for a taxi or for food. Or sometimes to put a friend in a taxi who’s gone too far!

He made a stupid £100 bet with one of his colleagues about who could down 3 pints and 4 shots the quickest and he lost and thought you would be angry that he had lost all that money

As a guy i must find some of these suggestions quite amusing and a far fetch..

Man gets to go abroad and get away from everything for a few days ... perfect excuse to play away IMO..

I know how men think.

I would be annoyed however I can't remember several nights out either. (Patchy anyway!)
He took £100. My betting is he was with a load of mates and they bought coke , or he wanted a taxi home

Pp very naive and been listening to too much sex worker tales of ££££ for pub dinners etc! Absolutely you can easily get sex for well under 100!! In the U.K. there are street workers who charge far less, and in Europe it’s unlikely to be different. Cheap sex for sale is prevalent if you look for it in any country. Likewise drugs - could easily get a gram of coke and a cheaper sex worker for under 100.

Its not some ultra glam highly paid job for most. A lot of trafficked, pimped and addicted women would charge far less out of desperation or simply if not savvy or not stereotypically attractive or because they’ve been told to.

Who says he spent the £100. He may have spent money on a kebab, taxi, bottle of water on his way back to the hotel and may have still had half in his wallet the next day. Spent it at the airport/ hang over breakfast.

My mind wouldn't go to sex, drugs and rock and roll tbh. £100 doesn't go far.

The fact is you'll never know. It could well have been entirely innocent. I often can't remember things when I've had a few drinks and can easily imagine taking out cash just because its handy to have when abroad (plus you get charged for each UK credit card transaction so its expensive to use a card abroad!). Or maybe it wasn't innocent. You will never know. So you need to decide what you will do. I personally wouldn't be suspicious myself and I wouldn't have been look at bank statements and googling the bar either!

Noone said both drugs and prostitute.

One few second look on UK punting shows £110 for 30 mins in one of the most expensive regions of the UK; punter reports oral sex, analingus and vaginal sex for that price.

So wtf re the Martin Lewis comments.

Most prostitution aint belle du jour at the Dorchester.