Husband doesn't remember a night out abroad

[Mulberryl]

Hi all,

My husband went on a work trip last week. One night he said he was going to a bar with his colleagues.

I spoke with him at 5pm their time as he was leaving and that was the last time I heard from him that night. Towards the midnight I started getting worried and phoned him a few times. He finally phoned me at 12.30am saying he'd just come back to the hotel. He sounded quite drunk.

Next day I was going through our bank statement and saw that there were a few separate transactions at the bar to the value of 4-5 drinks. Then there was a fast food transaction and finally £100 cash was taken out at an ATM that night...

He insists he stayed at the bar throughout the night. The bar's website suggests it closes earlier than midnight. When I ask him this he says he doesn't remember. I ask him why he took cash out, he first said 'because it was easier than buying drinks with cash than my card'. It didn't make sense so I questioned further and he then said he didn't remember why he took the cash out. He says as he was drunk maybe he thought it was a good idea.

There's also discrepancy about how he got to the hotel. He says that he was given a lift by a colleague, then said he took the tram... When I ask further he keeps saying that he doesn't remember.

My trust is completely gone. I cannot for the life of me hold him accountable. He keeps saying he doesn't temember a thing.

I also find it infuriating that he got blackout drunk in a country neither of us are familiar with in a business trip.

My husband is English, whereas I'm from a culture where people are more possessive. That's why I'd like to take a step back and not react to any jealousy sort of stuff immediately. But the whole thing is too much to take in.

I wanted to ask you lovely people what you make of it. Would you also be upset/angry or not think much of it? Thanks!

Only you know your husband and if it's to be worried about!
This wouldn't bother me in the slightest about my husband. He'd probably lose his wallet and phone as well on a night like this and it would all just be a boozy night nothing more sinister. Plus transactions can come through delayed at different times from abroad so could have been hours earlier anyway.

This.

It is mind boggling that some posters on here truly believe 100 quid or even euro wouldn't get you sex acts with a prostitute in the UK, let alone in a potentially cheaper country

My trust is completely gone.

Well that's your relationship over then. There's no remedy for it. Your whole post screams, "I don't trust this man."

I don't know if your distrust is well-founded or not, but it hardly matters. You don't trust him, so that's that.

£100 taken out at midnight could be a strip club, or drugs, or a prostitute, or just a taxi home or paying back a colleague who bought some drinks. But you suspect the worst, his amnesia is probably a lie, and overall your dynamic sounds unhealthy.

If you genuinely think something is off with his account of the evening and the cash etc then I hope you find the answers and it's all innocent. But: if my husband called me several times late when I was away on a work trip when he knew I was out for the night I would assume something was really wrong at home or with the kids or something and would be pretty pissed off if not, as he would obviously be checking up on me.

It was 1230 when he called and he spent more money than expected.

There isn't anything about this scenario that worries me, unless it's a country where you can buy a prostituted woman for £100. Not that I would be worried about my own husband doing that, but that's the only thing i can think of.

unless it's a country where you can buy a prostituted woman for £100.

What, like the UK?

Am I the only one that has a husband who frequently gets money out of a cash point, forgets he's done it and finds it in his jeans pocket 2 weeks later?
Unless this is the latest in a series of similar events, then let it go.
And stop checking up on him all the time.

I cannot believe there are people who think you can't buy sex in the UK for less than £100. ?? Of course you can. Easily.

If you check out adultwork.. lots of the escorts are foreigners.. Brazillians, Thais, Romanians etc..

Many will will be here on "education visas"... overstayed and do this for a living.

Two possible scenarios went through my head.

Strangely (for me), the first one cast your husband as an innocent being spiked by a colleague and fleeced. Loss of memory from being spiked. Changing story from him trying to force his memory to work and possibly being frightened that it didn't.

The second was that the "transactions at the bar to the value of 4-5 drinks" were buying 2 very overpriced drinks because that was the sort of strip joint bar he was in! One where the mark customer is plied with drink and relieved of their cash / bank balance at high speed. This could account for him withdrawing cash (he needed transport and had no cash left). Again his colleagues could have been involved, thinking it would be "a laugh" to go to such a place and he may or may not have had the strength of character to decline. Or he could have been the one to suggest it. Or he could have gone there on his own. All variations are equally possible.

The memory loss could be real or feigned. Real, I'd be very worried, feigned I'd be fucking furious.

Real, he's been spectacularly stupid, and/or spiked. Feigned, he knows if he tells you the truth you'd hit the roof and feigning no memory is 'safer' than lying because people generally trip up when they're lying and get caught.

Has he been "blackout drunk" before?

This!

So much suspicion. Anyone going through my bank statements would be history.

Of course it’s normal, but then wouldn’t you just say so instead of making stuff up and pretending you couldn’t remember 😂

Oh joy. Another skeevy “man here!” to give us the benefit of their knowledge.

If he was very drunk spent 4-5 drinks worth on card must have spent more so would account for the cash?
If out with others expect he could have got them drinks too

This wouldn't worry me. But I also wouldn't call my DH around midnight if he said he was going out with work colleagues.
As for the ATM, sometimes I'll get money out if my friends are getting money out and I realise I have no cash on me at all.

@Mulberryl Unless your DH has a previous history of being a lying cheating arse, I don't really see much of concern in what you've written. Has he been a drunken idiot? Probably. But there's no evidence that he's done anything worse than that. Honestly, I'd try to calm down and think about why you're reacting so strongly to this - losing all trust in someone because of one night out seems quite extreme.

Personally, if I knew my other half was going out on a night out with a group of colleagues/friends, I wouldn't expect to hear from them while they're out, unless we'd previously agreed to make contact for some reason. I definitely wouldn't be calling them several times unless something was wrong.

The spending you've described seems pretty reasonable for a night out - a few rounds, some food, and £100 cash isn't all that concerning in that context. Possible reasons that spring to mind include: owing someone money, taxi fares, impulse buying, drinks at a different venue, the venue's card machine being iffy, money for a drinks kitty, lending it to someone, avoiding card transaction fees that are applied in some places, paying for a mate to get a regrettable tattoo, drunkenly giving it to a homeless person, just thinking "maybe I should get cash out in case..."...

Being back at the hotel by 12:30 sounds fairly well behaved when I think about the carnage that can occur on work trips.

The only red flag is against the OP. The level of interrogation is extraordinary!

I agree!

The posters trying to stir it are just bored with nothing better to do - drugs, prostitutes, lap dances, having gay sex with a male colleague - I’m surprised no one has suggested that he never even went to the bar and is instead in a complete different country with his other family!

If you don’t trust him then end the relationship.
You can’t drive yourself mad thinking of every scenario just because you haven’t spoken to him in a few hours.

This has got strip club or hand job written all over it.

You seem overly suspicious , OP , or have you previously had reason to mistrust your DH ?

It sounds like he was buying a group of people drinks and then perhaps he took out cash to pay for a prostitute or to pay for a room for him and his female coworker. Did he sound suspicious OP?

This thread is insane 🤣🤣
He's abroad with work in another country....presumably in his own hotel room. Despite this, he withdraws £100 cash to pay for a 2nd hotel room to share with a female colleague (who also probably has her own room). Then to top it all off, he checks in and 30 mins later calls his wife for a chat???!

Its the idea there are no innocent explanations for getting the cash out that people are objecting to.

There are innocent reasons and not so innocent reasons. Only OP knows is she has reason to suspect the worst.

@BobWrexham

Man gets to go abroad and get away from everything for a few days ... perfect excuse to play away IMO..

I know how men think.

You know how arseholes feel, Bob.

I'm sorry but I would be furious if I went away and had the decency to call my partner by 12.30 and then have him perform the Spanish inquisition on me and then check my card statements to grill me further and imply I'm up to something no good. If you're this suspicious then leave the relationship and move on.

Seeing as there’s multiple deluded posters on here thinking that selling sex is some kind of expensive treat that you need a large amount of money for, when you can literally spend under £50 for the full shebang in U.K. (as per pp who lived next to the brothel in wales)- and probably far less picking up a street worker. It’s only the very young, very hot or those catering to fetishes in some kind of skilled way that command the premium. For 99% in the sex trade, it’s not like that. A man’s view (albeit just one view) is not out of place to provide a useful context.

When pp are flat out dismissing escort/drugs due to cost, they are clearly clueless. So providing context that in fact it’s easily possible isn’t stating that is what happened. Just that it can’t be dismissed so quickly as some (loads in fact!) have been doing. It’s delusional.

I think there must be some history or some other reason for Op to be so untrusting, because I agree it’s an insane amount of scrutiny on her dp remotely, so it’s not sounding broadly good so presumably there’s history here. However to monitor him like this with no reason is out of order, and either way there are bigger problems in the relationship either way and I wouldn’t want to be either party in this relationship!