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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone awake? Need a handhold

165 replies

theluckiest · 21/07/2022 23:47

I was going to post this on Bereavement but thought there's more traffic here.

My DM is dying. I am currently in a side room off a main ward just waiting. She's on pain meds and fast asleep, snoring.

She's got clots everywhere and they've said it's not survivable. Could be hours or days.

My DDad has gone home for some sleep. He's not well either. I'm here on the night shift.
Everyone is being very kind and talking to me in hushed tones so I know it's really really bad.

I didn't have the strongest relationship with my DM (she drives me mad TBH) but still. This is really shit, isn't it?

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 21/07/2022 23:49

It is really shit, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Watching and waiting is just awful - I wish you grace and peace for the hours ahead.

Mexicansky · 21/07/2022 23:49

Handhold here
It's really really shot just waiting.
Thinking about you x

asquideatingdough · 21/07/2022 23:49

I'm really sorry you are going through this. No matter what your relationship with your mother is like, it's still hard to lose such a pivotal person in your life. I hope she goes peacefully and you have time, space and other people to comfort you.

Mexicansky · 21/07/2022 23:50

Mexicansky · 21/07/2022 23:49

Handhold here
It's really really shot just waiting.
Thinking about you x

Really shit!

Pickledlemo · 21/07/2022 23:50

I am sorry.Hand hold here.I am sure DM is glad you are there.💐

Missisipihallelujah · 21/07/2022 23:52

She will soon be in a much better place. Sorry for what you are going through 💐take comfort in her snoring. She's having a wicked sleep xx

bloodywhitecat · 21/07/2022 23:53

It is really shit. I sat one night recently fairly sure it was DH's last and I remember just how I felt. There is no right or wrong way to face the days and hours ahead and there are lots of us here to offer a hand hold.

nocoolnamesleft · 21/07/2022 23:53

I am so sorry. I am sure it is a comfort to her that you are there.

Bells3032 · 21/07/2022 23:53

I'm here. I'm awake. I lost my mum 8 years ago. It's fucking hard and awful. That's all I can say but you do get through it.

For now make sure your mum knows she is loved and looked after. If she is awake spend time with her. Don't talk about death but enjoy your fsvourite jokes together and just chat. She she's unconscious then sing her favourite songs...people can often still here.

And once it's happened surround yourself with the people you love the most. Spend time with your father and any other family. Know that there is no right way of dealing with it. Sometimes you may want to cry and thars OK, sometimes you just don't feel thst upset and want to have a laugh with your friends thats OK too. There are a million different emotions going on here and your brain will let you deal with things when you're ready, don't force yourself.

Original poster
theluckiest · 21/07/2022 23:54

Thank you all.

I'm feeling very mixed emotions. I'm in shock, feeling awful for my Dad, worried that DM is in pain and (I feel terrible about this) really really majorly fucked off. Had so many nice things planned for the weekend. Feeling very selfish and guilty that I'm so gutted. Am I a total & utter bitch??!

It's all such a shock. She's not been particularly well for years but this rapid decline has happened to fast.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 21/07/2022 23:56

I'm here. So so sorry, I can't imagine how awful this period of time can be. Thinking of you all.

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/07/2022 23:56

And no, not a bitch in the slightest. Completely normal

Missisipihallelujah · 21/07/2022 23:59

Your mum won't be in pain. They will make sure of that. This happened with my Dad and it is horrible just waiting for the inevitable. He was made comfortable and placed in a side room. Your mind races away with how you will cope, how your Dad will cope and wondering what will happen next. It doesnt really matter how close we are to our parents, but its the reality that hits you in those last few hours.

FuchsAndMöhr · 22/07/2022 00:01

theluckiest · 21/07/2022 23:54

Thank you all.

I'm feeling very mixed emotions. I'm in shock, feeling awful for my Dad, worried that DM is in pain and (I feel terrible about this) really really majorly fucked off. Had so many nice things planned for the weekend. Feeling very selfish and guilty that I'm so gutted. Am I a total & utter bitch??!

It's all such a shock. She's not been particularly well for years but this rapid decline has happened to fast.

None of your feelings are wrong. You feel
what you feel regardless of what anyone else thinks!

Sending a hand hold. I also had a difficult relationship with my mum but it got better when I was older and then she died on me!

It will get easier but don’t let anyone tell you how to feel.

Sending you peace and love 💐

SirVixofVixHall · 22/07/2022 00:01

So sorry OP. I remember that time, sitting with my Mum as she was dying. It was incredibly hard but I am glad I was there with her.
It sounds as though this has happened very suddenly, how old is your Mum ? I had more time to process what was happening as my Mum was deteriorating for quite a while. It doesn’t make the loss easier but I think the shock is not as great, so you process it over a longer time. Take care of yourself too, remember to eat properly and to rest when you can , it is an enormous shift in your life.
I hope your Mum is not in pain.

godmum56 · 22/07/2022 00:05

yes its shit and here's a handhold. Your Mum won't be in pain if she is snoring, she will be very deeply asleep. Feelings are feelings, you can't help them or control them. When my husband died I was so angry with him for dying which I knew was irrational even while I was feeling it. You can't possibly be any kind of bitch, you are there waiting with your mum, bitches don't do that.

Monty27 · 22/07/2022 00:06

You'll be glad you were there in the long term. Your head is spinning with emotion right now but you are in the right place.
Another hand hold from me and your DM will be comforted to feel her DDs hand.
I'm very sorry for you 💐

Fraaahnces · 22/07/2022 00:08

It sounds like she’s been given enough sedation that she won’t be in pain. I have a lot of empathy for your situation with your mum. Mine was ill for years and we had many false alarms along the way, yet it was still a shock at the end. (And she did not mellow out at all when she was sick and dying!) I nursed her until the end and I wish I had arranged counselling straight away. You will have a lot to process and counselors are safer option than family and friends sometimes.

Missisipihallelujah · 22/07/2022 00:08

godmum56 · 22/07/2022 00:05

yes its shit and here's a handhold. Your Mum won't be in pain if she is snoring, she will be very deeply asleep. Feelings are feelings, you can't help them or control them. When my husband died I was so angry with him for dying which I knew was irrational even while I was feeling it. You can't possibly be any kind of bitch, you are there waiting with your mum, bitches don't do that.

Sorry about your husband..I lost mine too. Bloody horrible. The deep black hole you see before you that you think you are never going to climb out of x Dont know about you but nothing fazes me now x

Original poster
theluckiest · 22/07/2022 00:10

Thank you. Your msgs are bringing a lot of comfort. And a few tears!! My head's banging and my face looks horrendous.

She's 71. Lots of health issues (diabetes, high blood pressure - you name it) but this has still come as a massive shock. I know it happens to us all but someone said it's a big shift. That's exactly it. My normal world has changed massively.

I also broke up today for summer hols (am teacher). This wasn't quite the start to the beak I'd imagined

OP posts:
Original poster
theluckiest · 22/07/2022 00:11

Break. Not beak

OP posts:
Missisipihallelujah · 22/07/2022 00:14

Yes, your head certainly will be banging and you will may nauseous at some point. It's the shock and finality. Don't worry about your face! Try and think of a few good memories while you are sat beside your mum, something that will make you smile

Rufffles · 22/07/2022 00:25

Just sending a big hand hold. That is all. Very best wishes xxx

EmmaH2022 · 22/07/2022 00:29

OP "really really majorly fucked off. Had so many nice things planned for the weekend. Feeling very selfish and guilty that I'm so gutted. Am I a total & utter bitch??!"

not at all. I rather regret spending so much time with dad when he was dying...it seemed like the right thing to do at the time though. And yes, I do feel now that I missed nice things and I'm not sure he knew I was there quite often.

I am sorry you are going through this. Flowers

LadyLolaRuben · 22/07/2022 00:43

I've been in your shoes OP its terrible. Your mum wouldn't be sound asleep if she was in any discomfort let alone pain.

Just one thing I've learnt from end of life care....I know you can be on pins not knowing when the time will come. But to help you sleep when you can and know when the time may be approaching (assuming its not sudden but gradual), apparently if they decline by the weeks they have weeks to live, if they decline by the days its days to live and of they decline by the hour/minute, its hours/minutes to live.

It seems she's comfortable and resting so I hope you get some sleep tonight. Sorry about your school holidays. My dad took ill in December and Christmas through to new year bypassed us completely. I was exhausted come easter as I felt like I hadn't had a break for such a long time