Anyone awake? Need a handhold

[theluckiest]

I was going to post this on Bereavement but thought there's more traffic here.

My DM is dying. I am currently in a side room off a main ward just waiting. She's on pain meds and fast asleep, snoring.

She's got clots everywhere and they've said it's not survivable. Could be hours or days.

My DDad has gone home for some sleep. He's not well either. I'm here on the night shift.
Everyone is being very kind and talking to me in hushed tones so I know it's really really bad.

I didn't have the strongest relationship with my DM (she drives me mad TBH) but still. This is really shit, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm pretty tired. Have come home for a few hours rest before I head back this afternoon.

I did take in a speaker & have played her some music. I am still holding her hand, wiping her face and giving her water as that's all she wants now.
Sounds awful, but I've kind of run out of things to say. She doesn't want me to read to her (tried that)

It's very hard isn't it? Thank u all for listening

It's is very hard. It took about three days for my mum to die. We were in what felt like a slow moving time bubble the whole time.

In the last minutes it was very quick.

Oh gosh, this is so very, very hard for you. I know this might sound weird but although it's hugely, hugely painful, it's also a massively precious time too. She helped to bring you into the world and you're helping her to ease her way out. You'll never regret doing this. ❤️Sending a handhold and courage and strength your way.

@theluckiest I hope you are getting some rest. I know being with my Dad at the end would have always been very different to having to be with my narcissistic mother so I completely understand the feeling of duty to be there but also wanting to be somewhere else. It does sound like you are doing everything you can, you are present, you’ve ensured she is not in pain and you care. As another poster said, at one point another nurse removed the iv drip from my dad as she said it was only prolonging the inevitable. Just check the same is not happening to your mum. Try and eat well and get some sleep before your next shift. Thinking of you all.

Ah OP I'm so sorry.

It's the worst feeling.

Like I felt a terrible daughter asking people for any kind of timeline. Almost feeling like I was hoping he was about to die.

It's such a surreal and weird and horrible time.

We had a week or so of it feeling imminent. (after 2+ years of illness watching him just decline daily knowing it was coming. When he was still able to talk he was very open in that he wanted his life to be over.)

We found medical staff (Dad was at home so we had nurses in and out to sort his driver) wouldn't give timescales much. But also had career who would wash and change him and sit with him at night so my mum could get some sleep.

Those ladies really knew the signs better and were more open to discuss it. Absolute saints of women and it was one of the ladies coming out to us and just saying "no, not good today" that we knew it was soon.

I googled 'signs of death' pretty much non stop for that week so feel somewhat an expert now. It was the mottling of his legs that seemed to be the real tell tale I think as he had the rattly chest for a few days. Then the sort of panting breathing was the real 'don't leave the room now' time.

It's horrendous and I do wonder if I have some sort of hidden trauma from it that might surface some time.

But actually I'm glad I was there with him. And have seen death. It comes to us all and thankfully for my dad it was peaceful. Just a shame he was so young.

I'm so sorry anyone else has to go through the same. But I also think it's very special to be able to be with someone at the end. I hope you can look back and feel similar.

A handhold here. It is a tremendous change when you lose a parent. It doesn’t matter whether the relationship was good or not so good. Grief is quite strange, catches you out most unexpectedly. Be prepared.
In the meantime you are absolutely being a wonderful daughter. The person who brought you into the World is leaving this life, it is probably scary( though may not be if they are at peace with the situation).
You are doing your best to ease that anxiety. Then your role is to comfort your father & be kind to yourself. Hopefully there may also be friends or family who will look after you too. Thinking of you.

You are all very wise and your words have brought me much comfort.

Yes, I've been Googling 'signs of death' too. Frankly, she looks like someone who is deteriorating. It's just so much slower than I thought. The initial timeline was she prob wouldn't get past Sat but here we are & she's still awake & talking in a very limited way.

I have also thought that, Ok, so she often drove me mad but yes, absolutely she brought me into this world so I have a duty to be with her when she leaves it.

It's just a very sad thing.

On a more practical note, this sounds crazy but can I take my own bloody blow-up bed in??

I don't want to hassle the staff as I know how busy they are but the thought of being stuck in that hideously uncomfortable chair for just one more night is unbearable!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm really not sure but would hope the staff are doing what they can to help and support your

Also, my friends and family have mostly been amazing.

But how do I stop myself being irrationally angry with friends who have been absolutely crap??

Two have really surprised me at the lack of contact. One is someone I thought wld be there for me & who I supported through a rough time only a few weeks ago. I'm really hurt by the lack of anything.

The other is one of my oldest friends who hasn't made contact at all.

They are both very aware of the situation and know my DM

A sad fact of life is that you only know your true friends when faced with the type of situation you're now in x

One of my friends text me to tell me about her latest pregnancy craving when she knew I was sitting with my mum (she died the same day) as her own mum had died I thought out of friends she'd be the one to go to. She wasn't and I haven't spoken to her since mums funeral.

People can be really odd about death, not knowing what to say, for some its an uncomfortable topic. You're in it, you're experiencing a very traumatic event it's natural to be annoyed at those who seemingly don't support you.

Focus on this moment and then the next, be gentle with yourself, grief doesn't come with a guidebook at this time you're with your mum, she knows you're there and that's all that matters right now.

@theluckiest could it be that those closest to you know your true relationship with your mother and maybe don’t realise how sad you are? Be kind to yourself, You are grieving on two fronts, the fact that your Mother is dying and that you didn’t have the textbook relationship that ‘everyone’ seems to have. There are more of us with strained relationships with mothers than you realise but it doesn’t make it any less shit. I’d say it’s perfectly normal and reasonable to be angry at anyone who hasn’t bothered to check in with you. Keep strong.

Times like these really show you who your real friends are. I’m sorry they aren’t being there for you. It’s such a smack in the face as you know you’d be the first person there to support them if the shoe was on the other foot. Distance yourself from them. I have zero tolerance for ignorant, rude people like that. Hope you’re holding up ok xx

Time is moving so slowly for you right now. But it's still moving very quickly for your friends. Maybe they will get in touch. Sometimes people think they should leave you alone during this time and offer comfort afterwards. Or not. Maybe they are shit.

But anger is completely normal and they are where that anger is landing right now.

Thank you.

Well, one of the crap friends has redeemed themselves and got in touch unprompted. Anger has disappeared mostly & I'm just sad.

With her now. Her breathing has become quite shallow & sounds like there's a lot of gunk in her airways. I've also noticed marks on the veins in her feet.

Dad & I have had some very grown up conversations today about wills & what happens when she does go. I know it will be a shock when it does happen but I think we're as resigned to it as we can be

I know it will be a shock when it does happen but I think we're as resigned to it as we can be

You never know how it will hit you and when. You can't prepare emotionally so preparing practically at least gives you a little space.

Thinking of you op. Try to get rest when you can x

Thanks everyone.

Mum died just after 11:30pm. Dad was with her holding her hand and it was peaceful.

We'd sat with her until gone 10pm reminiscing and laughing and I know for a fact that she cld hear us.

It's all very sad but I think it was a good death, all said & done.

I cld sleep for a year.

Thank you for your kindness and wise words. You helped me through some pretty dark moments

Lots of love to you OP. You gave her love and kindness to the end, all best wishes to you and your Dad 💐

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. Sending love to you and your Dad. We're here for you x

It sounds like a great death and you were a wonderful woman to be there through it all.

The exhaustion will be hard.
If you can get a few sleeping pills to help you catch up over the next few days, take them.
Sleep is great.

Condolences to you.

Sorry for your loss. I hope you can get some much needed sleep now. 🌺

You will feel lost & almost in a trance for some time, don't fight it because it is part of the grieving process. Take as much time as you both need, there is no rush to get everything done at once. Have some time to process what has happened.

Practical things, make an appointment at the hospital to collect the forms you need, then an appointment at the registry office, you can do this online, I recommend using the tell us once service, this means things like her state pension, any benefits, the council tax & electoral roll are all notified by the registry office after you register her death. Get several copies of the death certificate so you have them for insurance policies, the bank etc. Most funeral Directors are happy to come & see you at home so that you can plan the funeral in comfort, we already had sorted out what we wanted my dad to wear & they took it when they came. We were able to take photos & letters to put in with my dad when we went to see him in the Chapel of rest.

Don't rush to start the practical things, my dad died on the Thusday & we didn't do anything until the following Monday, it gave us time to come to terms with losing him a bit. Eat, sleep when you can, talk about her as much as you want to, it does help. My thoughts are with you, your dad & your family, so sorry x

Well done OP.

The grief knows what to do, your body will know what to do, just allow it. Let it operate.

Journalling might help, meditation if you are partial, and hugs if you are inclined and there are any available.
I hugged a cushion at times... Had a pain/congestion feeling in my gut.
Important to really take care of yourself now, be super gentle.

You did so well.