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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone awake? Need a handhold

165 replies

theluckiest · 21/07/2022 23:47

I was going to post this on Bereavement but thought there's more traffic here.

My DM is dying. I am currently in a side room off a main ward just waiting. She's on pain meds and fast asleep, snoring.

She's got clots everywhere and they've said it's not survivable. Could be hours or days.

My DDad has gone home for some sleep. He's not well either. I'm here on the night shift.
Everyone is being very kind and talking to me in hushed tones so I know it's really really bad.

I didn't have the strongest relationship with my DM (she drives me mad TBH) but still. This is really shit, isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
theluckiest · 22/07/2022 01:10

That's really interesting @LadyLolaRuben. And bizarrely comforting. The just waiting & not knowing is awful.

She's still snoring and keeps getting hiccups!
Going to attempt some sleep now

Thank you for holding my hand tonight and so sorry that lots of you know what this is like. Flowers

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 22/07/2022 01:22

Yes knowing the decline rate and what it can mean, makes you feel in a little control of things and help with anxiety.

Try to get a bit of rest, its difficult as you don't know if you're preparing for a marathon or a sprint. Either way you need your energy.

Dont forget to drive slower and more carefully if in your car - I had a near miss one day due to being so tired and distracted x

130crewdog · 22/07/2022 01:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Moretodo · 22/07/2022 01:30

I was with my dad when he died.
It comforted me hugely later knowing I did what I could. My last earthly duties.
Whatever is going on inside you, you are there.
This has allowed your dad to rest.
You are a lovely daughter.

Shelaydownunderthetable · 22/07/2022 01:35

What you’re going through is so, so hard. Everything you’re feeling is totally normal. Hang in there 💜

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 22/07/2022 01:38

Agree with previous poster. If your DM was in pain you would know she was. If she is sleeping soundly she is peaceful and not in pain. In recent years I've watched 4 of my grandparents die and it was easy to tell the one who was in pain. We asked the nurses to make him comfortable, whatever they gave him he died about 30 mins later and took his pain away. If she does begin to sound uncomfortable just call for a nurse. They will help.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 22/07/2022 01:39

And I'm very sorry you are going through this. Your feelings are your feelings and many of them are competing in your brain at the moment, mind yourself.

caringcarer · 22/07/2022 01:42

I have never really got over losing my Mum almost 9 years ago. Every Mother's Day I cry and get upset. Try to chat to your Mum about things you did when you were little. Tell her all you need to even if she sleeps. I think our Mum is the primary bond in our lives for most people. She was the first one to love and hold you. It is always hard for those left behind when a love one goes quickly. But I can promise you after having to watch my Mum decline so slowly it is better if they pass quickly. It is harder for loved ones after though if they had not had time to say the things they need to say. I thanked my Mum for always being there for me, for loving me and putting me first and making me feel safe and loved. It is hard. Take care.

SpiderVersed · 22/07/2022 01:44

I’ve been there too. She won’t be in distress (thank gods for meds), and having someone with her will be a huge reassurance.

Rest when you can, and be kind to yourself.

DramaAlpaca · 22/07/2022 01:44

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Handhold from me Flowers

Bunty55 · 22/07/2022 01:46

Just to add to the other posters comments that your mum will not be in pain. And despite your relationship not being that good ? She's your mum, and it's not important whether you are friends or not - you are there for her now and that is all that matters.
I don't know you but I am thinking of you and her also.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2022 01:52

I'm so sorry love. It's shit and no, in case it needed saying, you are not a bitch.

If you have anything you need to say, say it. Even if she's asleep and can't hear.

GoodThinkingMax · 22/07/2022 01:52

I didn't have the strongest relationship with my DM (she drives me mad TBH) but still. This is really shit, isn't it?

Oh so sorry to read this. I hope you can silently forgive your mother everything, and make your peace with her - even if it's just in your mind (it sounds as though she's not wholly conscious).

I'm going through a private mourning-in-advance for my mother who is disappearing through dementia. We had a sometimes rocky relationship. She wasn't abusive, just quite a damaged woman herself, who tried her best, but , and I've just let go of any resentments of her frailties and failings. I don't think about any of that now, what she's having to live through is not anything I'd wish on the worst person in the world.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 22/07/2022 01:58

I remember that horrible time, OP. If your mother is aware of anything I'm sure she will be comforted by your presence. Just being there is useful because if something happens, or she wakes or needs anything, you're on hand to get help.
Sending you a handhold xx

Stichintime · 22/07/2022 02:03

Thinking of you right now. Its totally shit, but she sounds comfortable.

Rashgremlin · 22/07/2022 02:15

Another hand hold from me, OP, it's totally and utterly shit. My mum died 2.5 years ago following a long illness but a sudden decline at the end, and it was totally bemusing, baffling, gut-wrenching... so many emotions. My sister and I sat with her as she died, and afterwards sat together and cried, saying 'what the fuck just happened??' It was also really inconvenient timing and I have told her so ever since! She always was shit with timing.

Nothing prepares you for saying goodbye to a parent, no matter what your relationship with them. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to take time out for yourself while you're looking after your dad and anyone else. Things will get easier after a time, you just need to ride this awful bit out.

Hope you've managed some sleep 💐

Bickles · 22/07/2022 02:26

Flowers Hand hold op

Monty27 · 22/07/2022 02:46

EmmaH2022 · 22/07/2022 00:29

OP "really really majorly fucked off. Had so many nice things planned for the weekend. Feeling very selfish and guilty that I'm so gutted. Am I a total & utter bitch??!"

not at all. I rather regret spending so much time with dad when he was dying...it seemed like the right thing to do at the time though. And yes, I do feel now that I missed nice things and I'm not sure he knew I was there quite often.

I am sorry you are going through this. Flowers

@EmmaH2022 you know you were there though. Sorry for your loss. 💐
And OP even if DM doesn't realise you are there, you'll always remember that you were. x

Monty27 · 22/07/2022 02:47

No-one would like to pass away alone I'm sure.

Original poster
theluckiest · 22/07/2022 03:05

I'm still here. Tried to sleep without much success. This night is absolutely interminable. Just wish I cld sleep for an hour or two.

Mum still snoring. Although I've had to keep badgering at the nurses' station for more meds. The drip ran out ages ago & someone said they'd be along. I know they're busy but still. Don't know whether to make a fuss as she's sound asleep & not in obvious pain?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2022 03:11

Do they seem engaged and caring? Because they may be managing it well. Distracted and frazzled, maybe press for more meds.

Backofthenet20 · 22/07/2022 03:13

The lack of sleep is so tough, then people starting to wake up from about 5 am. Shift changeovers. Lots of hustle & bustle. Sometimes meds can take a little while to get back into the system so wouldn’t hurt to ask again

JustTwoNights · 22/07/2022 03:36

Lending a paw here. I'm awake for an hour or two here if you need an ear. Upsetting and difficult time for you. Hope you grabbed some sleep. X

Shivroyshair · 22/07/2022 03:38

@theluckiest just been through this with my DF so 💐for you. Unfortunately he took an unexpected turn when he was expected to recover from the hospital admission. I got the call at 2am. Luckily I was up to get the call. Not-so-luckily I was in fancy dress at the time as one of the kids was having a party. I arrived at the hospital shortly after the call I suspect smelling strongly of wine) and I was covered in fake tattoos (I can laugh about it now but was mortified at the time and also didn’t explain to anyone at the hospital it was fancy dress) so you are probably doing a better job than me in the best daughter stakes…! have the doctors suggested the palliative care nurse yet? That would signify matters are coming to an end. They were very helpful and advised that the patient’s hearing is the last to go so we should be mindful about what was being said as my dad could hear what was being said but wouldn’t able to respond. Having had no previous experience of death I found it strange that you do sort of instinctively know when the end is near. For me it was the lack of my dad’s blinking. I did get the priest in to administer last rites which helped enormously as I know he would’ve wanted that. I have a difficult relationship with my mother so I do understand your feelings right now, it is terribly conflicting. You are not being a bitch at all. Sending you positive thoughts and unmumsnetty hugs.

Shivroyshair · 22/07/2022 03:43

Another point I wish I’d known is to establish if your DM is an organ donor or not. The nursing staff do have to have that conversation with you after the person has passed away so if you can confirm her wishes now it is less traumatic. Unfortunately in my case I knew my Dad was an organ donor and gave consent but my Mother was technically his NOK and overrode his wishes. (A whole other thread right there 🙄)

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