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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone awake? Need a handhold

165 replies

theluckiest · 21/07/2022 23:47

I was going to post this on Bereavement but thought there's more traffic here.

My DM is dying. I am currently in a side room off a main ward just waiting. She's on pain meds and fast asleep, snoring.

She's got clots everywhere and they've said it's not survivable. Could be hours or days.

My DDad has gone home for some sleep. He's not well either. I'm here on the night shift.
Everyone is being very kind and talking to me in hushed tones so I know it's really really bad.

I didn't have the strongest relationship with my DM (she drives me mad TBH) but still. This is really shit, isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
theluckiest · 22/07/2022 03:52

Sorry to hear you've been here too @Shivroyshair. Although the fancy dress did make me smile! Of all the times...

No one's really said much tbh. The doctor came round earlier and explained that there was nothing that could fix this which we understood anyway. As soon as I saw her, my first thought was that she was clearly dying.

Still here. Nearly went to sleep but it's just not happening.

OP posts:
Shivroyshair · 22/07/2022 03:56

@theluckiest I didn’t sleep either despite the copious amounts of wine I’d had so I know how you feel… arrived at 2.30am, he didn’t pass away until 3pm. It is not quite as portrayed in the movies…. Keep posting if it helps.

nonstoprenovation · 22/07/2022 04:05

Handhold here, I lost dad in November, he wasn't in a good place after failed surgery and in a hospital a 3 hour drive away. I took my DM home to sleep one evening as she was exhausted and he passed away with a nurse comforting him in the early hours.

We do have guilt about not being there which takes time to process there so I'm glad your able to be with her in these hours and days and you'll ultimately feel better for this time with her.

My DF was a grumpy bugger and sick long term so it was expected so I can kind of get what you are feeling.

Big hugs

Monty27 · 22/07/2022 04:26

I hope the nurses are kind. Ask if you can get some tea as you don't want to leave her. Or could a friend organise to bring something. Maybe if someone is dropping off your DDad they could bring you a pillow and other comforts?
I couldn't make it on time for my DM as a flight was involved. I'd have held her hand.
We're holding your hand. Just ask the nurses for a blanket so you can be there x

Colouringaddict · 22/07/2022 04:43

Lost my mum !7 years ago, I was able to be with her, it was just me, my ddad and my sister. Her breathing had changed so we just sat holding each other’s hand, joined as a family, and she had a peaceful death.

Lost my dad a year ago, we had him at home, very traumatic as he didn’t get the care from the professionals that he should have had. But he didn’t die alone, and he was in his own home which were his wishes.

Now is the time to hold her hand and tell her everything you want to say while it is just the 2 of you together. Good or bad, get it all said, they say the hearing is the last thing to go.

Please remember to look after yourself too, I am holding your hand in spirit

Monty27 · 22/07/2022 04:57

Colouringaddict · 22/07/2022 04:43

Lost my mum !7 years ago, I was able to be with her, it was just me, my ddad and my sister. Her breathing had changed so we just sat holding each other’s hand, joined as a family, and she had a peaceful death.

Lost my dad a year ago, we had him at home, very traumatic as he didn’t get the care from the professionals that he should have had. But he didn’t die alone, and he was in his own home which were his wishes.

Now is the time to hold her hand and tell her everything you want to say while it is just the 2 of you together. Good or bad, get it all said, they say the hearing is the last thing to go.

Please remember to look after yourself too, I am holding your hand in spirit

❤️❤️❤️

Original poster
theluckiest · 22/07/2022 07:56

Quick update - Dad arrived to take over the next 'shift.' She's comfortable for now. I've come home to change & try to get some sleep.

Thank you for being with me in the lonely small hours. You helped me get through a tortuous night. ❤️

OP posts:
emmetgirl · 22/07/2022 08:06

You poor thing. I had a terrible relationship with my M and we were NC until she died. However, I was contacted by the hospital a few days before she died and I spent that time with her. I don't know for certain if she knew I was there but I'd like to think she did. I'm glad I was there and wouldn't have had it any other way.
It's horrible but in time, after she's gone you'll be glad you were with her for her last days/hours and will get comfort from it.
xxx

godmum56 · 22/07/2022 08:29

theluckiest · 22/07/2022 07:56

Quick update - Dad arrived to take over the next 'shift.' She's comfortable for now. I've come home to change & try to get some sleep.

Thank you for being with me in the lonely small hours. You helped me get through a tortuous night. ❤️

still here still handholding

Original poster
theluckiest · 22/07/2022 11:24

Thank you again.

I can't sleep. I don't really know what to do with myself.

I really don't want to go back to the hospital even tho I know I have to.
Last night was torture. I couldn't sleep because I was listening to her breathing.
This is so hard

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 22/07/2022 11:37

Hopefully next time you go back you will be in active labour and not have to be there too long!

Shivroyshair · 22/07/2022 12:29

@theluckiest I do feel for you, it is a torturous process. You’ll regret not going I fear rather than regret going. Pack snacks and a pashmina and try and sit with your Dad. Try playing her favourite music softly, that also helped me. I spent time selecting pictures for the order of service whilst holding my dad’s hand which I knew I’d have to do at some point, and I wrote my dad’s obituary on my iPhone (after I’d sobered up, lol). Keeping busy whilst keeping watch really helped me. Much love to you.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 22/07/2022 12:44

I sat with a dying relative, in her home, and she didn't regain consciousness for the final week of her life. Other relatives and carers also visited. We got on with everyday things, sat and chatted to her, recalled happy memories we'd shared and so on.

Just to prepare you for the possibility that it may take some time. Look after yourself too. Don't berate yourself if she takes her last breaths when you're not there.

If you like the idea of talking to her but feel you've run out of things to say, remember that you can also read poems or non-distressing news stories, anything that gives her your soothing voice.

I'm with all the others here, holding your hand.

Original poster
theluckiest · 22/07/2022 12:57

Fraaahnces · 22/07/2022 11:37

Hopefully next time you go back you will be in active labour and not have to be there too long!

Haha! Oh dear. Wrong thread I think Fraaahnces...

Although it's the circle of life I spose...

OP posts:
Ishacoco · 22/07/2022 13:01

Fraaahnces · 22/07/2022 11:37

Hopefully next time you go back you will be in active labour and not have to be there too long!

😆😆😆

Original poster
theluckiest · 22/07/2022 19:06

I'm back at the hospital.

DM is on a morphine driver. Consultant reckons she be gone within hours

This is horrendous

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2022 19:08

I'm so sorry. I remember that feeling, listening to her breathing. We are all thinking about you.

Rashgremlin · 22/07/2022 21:03

I'm so sorry @theluckiest, it's just horrible. Sending you love and strength, keep posting if it helps. You definitely aren't alone x

Hall84 · 22/07/2022 21:18

Thinking of you OP. When my Gran was in this position we were also told that hearing was the last to go 💐

Brenna24 · 22/07/2022 21:29

I hope for all your sakes that she slips away quickly. I am also here to sit with you a while. I was living in a different country from my dad when he died. Poor mum had gone home to get a sleep ready to pick up some of my siblings from the airport the next day so that they could say goodbye. He passed away that night. He had always said that he didn't want to be aggressively treated or seen in that sort of state and I still swear he chose then to go.

Fashiontatts · 22/07/2022 21:46

Thinking of you OP Flowers also here for a handhold x

Shivroyshair · 22/07/2022 22:48

Aww @theluckiest that is shit.thinking of you. Are you with your Dad? We’re all with you. On the upside, despite @Fraaahnces hopes, you are not in actual labour and doing muuuch better than me by not being plastered in fake tattoos and smelling of wine. Love to you all.

Original poster
theluckiest · 23/07/2022 21:03

Hi all,

Are you still there? I am. I'm back in this shitty, windowless room waiting for DM to die.

Yesterday, the consultant told us that he didn't expect her to make it to the morning. But when I walked in this morning, she was awake & talking (in a limited way)

This afternoon, she's developed a crackly phlegm-y rattle when she breathes. She also looks very flushed altho her temp is normal. She's still conscious but drifting in and out of sleep

I haven't seen someone die so I've no idea what's happening here. I thought she'd be unconscious and then at some point stop breathing.

I've no idea what's happening

OP posts:
emmaluggs · 23/07/2022 21:11

I think people die in ‘different’ ways. We lost my dad suddenly, and it was a huge shock, we got called in and he was sedated and his breathing was very shallow, the dr then advised if we kept him like this he would go in about 24 hrs, or they could give him a mixture of drugs that would make it less than hour. It was very peaceful, I held his hand and he gripped it tightly as he declined to a sleepy end within the hour.

keeping you in my thoughts at this difficult time, it’s bound to be a mixture of emotions. We all have different relationships and it’s OK to feel what ever you feel x

FuchsAndMöhr · 23/07/2022 21:24

I’ve been with my DM and my DSM when they died. Neither were sudden but they were both very different.

One went quietly and one didn’t. They one that didn’t I couldn’t deal with and had to leave but the nurses were amazing.

I don’t want you to think I’m saying this to scare you, the point I wanted to make was however you handle how she goes is right, because it’s right for you.

Take care OP, I’ll be thinking of you xx