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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone awake? Need a handhold

165 replies

theluckiest · 21/07/2022 23:47

I was going to post this on Bereavement but thought there's more traffic here.

My DM is dying. I am currently in a side room off a main ward just waiting. She's on pain meds and fast asleep, snoring.

She's got clots everywhere and they've said it's not survivable. Could be hours or days.

My DDad has gone home for some sleep. He's not well either. I'm here on the night shift.
Everyone is being very kind and talking to me in hushed tones so I know it's really really bad.

I didn't have the strongest relationship with my DM (she drives me mad TBH) but still. This is really shit, isn't it?

OP posts:
theshadeofgreen · 23/07/2022 21:52

just here sending lots of love OP. Thinking of you and your Ddad x

catscatscurrantscurrants · 23/07/2022 22:45

Sending you a handhold OP. I've been through that when my dad was ready to go, and it's a hard experience. Love and strength to you and your dad, and a peaceful journey to your mum x

Shivroyshair · 23/07/2022 22:48

still here.. thinking of you. for me, my Dad stopped blinking and was unresponsive at around 7.30am but didn’t pass away until 3pm the same day. The breathing was very rattled and then became very shallow until the end when the breaths were deeper and less frequent. However it happens, You will just know. Much love to you all.

PushkaMcgee · 23/07/2022 23:29

Another one here holding your hand, it’s so tough for you right now. Sending love your way

Ttcjourney2022 · 23/07/2022 23:35

Sending you so much love right now ❤️❤️❤️❤️

SirVixofVixHall · 23/07/2022 23:57

The rattle comes close to the end, then breathing can slow and become shallow, and then longer gaps between breaths until no more are taken.
I am thinking of you, and sending love and strength to you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/07/2022 00:38

MIL's breathing was so faint and shallow near the end even the hospice staff thought she'd died. She lived a few more hours. People pass in different ways.

I'm thinking of you and wishing you both peace.

crosshatching · 24/07/2022 01:10

Lots of love to you OP. Thinking of you and your Mum 💐

WhoIBU · 24/07/2022 01:17

My thoughts are with you OP.

I say with my dad while he died a few months back.

The listening to the breathing while you wait is torture.

The twice we thought it had stopped only to start up again and scare the daylights out of us so be aware.

It's really really crappy but I hope she stays peaceful and comfortable as it helped for my mum and I that dad was.

The crackle sort of turned into a panting once he was within an hour or so of passing. X

PeloAddict · 24/07/2022 01:35

Hand hold here, I was doing the same thing last month
What helped me a little was playing audio sleep stories as a comfort for me and her. And telling her it was ok to go
It's shit Flowers

Original poster
theluckiest · 24/07/2022 03:21

This is absolute fucking torture.

We've just been moved to another ward. We're still in a side room but at least there's a window so she can see outside.
I can see why they've moved her but they did it at 3am - I was fast asleep!! Think she was too

She is awake and fairly lucid. The rattle has gone. WTAF is going on??!

OP posts:
Original poster
theluckiest · 24/07/2022 03:33

Actually, I take that back. Her breathing is rattly & shallow.

Not knowing how long she's got is horrible.

Thank you all for being there through this. I'm so sorry so many of you have walked this path too

OP posts:
MondayMoan · 24/07/2022 03:47

I sat with my dad for days whilst he was dying. They gave him 4 hours and he lasted 3 long days. I'll never forget it. We also did shifts. He died on my shift. My step mum told me to call her when his breathing changed. I did. She decided to have dinner first and missed him. My thoughts are with you. It's a horrible time.

dickdarstardlymuttley · 24/07/2022 03:59

Thinking of you Flowers

Snog · 24/07/2022 04:06

Hand hold here OP
Be kind to yourself, It's a tough time and no mistake xxx

hidethetoaster · 24/07/2022 04:08

Thinking of you. You're doing an amazing thing to be there for her 💐

Unwavering721 · 24/07/2022 04:09

I’m so sorry 😔 sounds like you are going through a truly awful time. I lost my mum last year, the only thing I found that helped ease the pain was crying. It feels like the sadness and crying will never end - but I promise it does. Releasing the sadness is part of the process, don’t fight it xxx

Beseen22 · 24/07/2022 04:45

I'm on nightshift and have a real interest in palliative care. I'm so sorry it's been so sudden (but also I long time at this final difficult stage). It can be so difficult to cope when you don't have a textbook relationship with your mum.

No one really speaks about how tough it is being in the room waiting for your relative to die. You want then to go so they are not suffering but then again you don't want them to go because its your mum. Plus it is a long day of sitting watching someone deteriorate. Some people feel weird if they put the TV on but others find it a needed distraction.

From a practical perspective the 'rattle' noise you hear is just her inability to manage her own cough now. So if you had some phlegm at thr back of your throat you would do a bit cough but she has lost that reflex. The nurses can give medication to dry things up a bit and also use a suction catheter to remove it. Its not painful or distressing to your mum at all but can be VERY distressing to family. Its definitely a sign that things have progressed, she's lost a fairly important reflex. For the fluids finishing, her body is shutting down, she doesn't need IV fluids now, they are of no benefit to her and may just prolong this final stage. Have the nurses got you a wee bed? Have they been in and had a chat? I love to sit with my patients families on nightshifts if they can't sleep and learn all about what the patient was like when they were young and fit.

marblemad · 24/07/2022 05:03

You will be ok. We have recently gone through a near miss (car crash) and 2 bereavements. Take any photos or videos you need, start accessing support groups, anything sentimental outline what goes where now. Each day will slowly get better, nights are hard but keep busy and avoid being alone often. x

Igmum · 24/07/2022 05:28

Sending love OP. My DM took about 15 months to die with many vigils like this when they said it was imminent (once when we came back to find her sitting up drinking tea). Praying for you all

Original poster
theluckiest · 24/07/2022 06:18

Thank you again for being here with me.

We've been moved to another room. It's quieter and there's a large window so she can see outside which is much better.

Although they did come banging in at 3am to do the move. I was fast asleep & very disoriented!! I did have a camp bed in the other room but the nurse up here seemed very offhand when I asked him if we cld get one in here so 🤷‍♀️

She's drifting in and out of sleep. She's only on morphine now (but a strong dose) and indicated that she's not in any pain. Her breathing is shallow and it's definitely an effort to speak.

I'm not really sure what I should be doing. Apart from being here with her

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 24/07/2022 07:28

Could you play her some of her favourite music quietly? Hold her hand talk to her, my mums breathing sounded awful it was terrifying, the gap between her breaths got longer until she stopped. It's traumatic and very hard on you so be gentle with yourself.

You're doing everything you can, you're there and that's what matters. Handhold for you, I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

Snog · 24/07/2022 07:29

If you want to you could hold her hand and talk about some happy memories yourself have of her.

LadyLolaRuben · 24/07/2022 07:50

Hi OP. Checking in to see how you are.

Glad you've got a better room. Dont be afraid to ask for anything you need from the staff. Glad your mum is in a quieter room and settled.

When my dad was in hospital, I quietly played his favorite music, radio station and tv programmes etc. He could hear me even though he was locked in. I know this because on one occasion he sqeezed my hand when I requested it.

You're doing just fine x

dickdarstardlymuttley · 24/07/2022 08:13

All you need to do is be with her and your dad.

You must be exhausted xx