Do men not want to date women in their late 30s?

[onlinedatingsucks]

I am on a dating app - and I get one like a day. It has been years and years since I dated and I used to get so much more interest. Is it my age?

I think the financial aspect is largely why people couple up, especially in expensive places like London. It's mind blowing to think how much money I'd save just from splitting my rent and bills. About £650 a month straight in my pocket. Every month. That's literally enough for a really great long weekend away, or a few months of saving for a big special holiday somewhere like the Caribbean. My quality of life would be so, so much higher if I had a partner. It's a huge part of why I want to find one, and I'm sure it's the same for most people.

I'm luckier than most in that my job and business allow me to rent a nice flat in London on my own...imagine flat sharing in your late thirties, and how much worse that would be. I would be trying really, really hard to find a partner if the alternative was still sharing a flat with randoms and tolerating their behaviour.

I understand what you are saying but, how depressing!! I would always rather focus energy on providing a better standard of living for myself, than on finding someone else to do that for me. Especially as then you are dependent on them to maintain that! Much better to be self-sufficient.

Not everyone can make 100k+ a year, and that's how much you need as a single person in London to have a similar lifestyle to a DINK couple earning average London salaries. Genuinely.

Do you actually know London at all, or have you moved here fairly recently? Yes, if you move here in your mid 30s, you're not going to jump into a nice life immediately unless you're a wealthy expat. That's just common sense, because it is an expensive city and needs longer term financial planning. It's the price of choosing to settle in London later in life. There's A LOT of people who started their lives in London in their 20s and even without partners saved and built their nest eggs, careers and their lives. Because they prioritised those things over relationships. Men do it all the time! There's also people who were born in London and moving away was never a choice. There's single mums in London raising kids on a wage much lower than 100k and enjoying life without a partner. I moved to London alone 16 years ago and managed to buy a flat and go on big holidays even when I was on a salary of 50k - no man or family involved. Took years of saving and being savvy about life choices - but I prioritised being self sufficient over dating. Even with my exH I refused to live with him (stayed in my own flat) until we got married because I never wanted to be financially dependent on a man. Made the divorce a lot easier as I had something I could comfortably slot back into without taking a penny from him. Real self sufficiency is having the type of life you want without needing someone else to contribute to it. It's ok to want a partner to enable your lifestyle, but it's tosh saying that being in a couple is the ONLY way to achieve a good life. Your own life choices have put you into this position. So why not lean into it, instead of blaming London, men and being disparaging about other women?

Btw if £650 pm would afford you nicer holidays, you realise you could have a side hustle that doesn't take up much time to earn that? Plenty of people do. I have a friend who used to offer French tutorials in her evenings (she was single so had the time). Another who started buying and selling stuff on ebay - took barely any time in a week. London is great for making money. So if having more of it is the only reason you want a partner, look to options other than dating? Might be more fun and less soul destroying.

Not sure why you're saying it's better to be self sufficient. I AM self sufficient and have been for years. How does that make it any less true that having a partner makes life much cheaper? I'm not looking to be kept, I'd simply really like to meet someone earning a similar amount to me to share the burden of essential costs and allow us to have a nice life.

Not everyone can make 100k+ a year, and that's how much you need as a single person in London to have a similar lifestyle to a DINK couple earning average London salaries. Genuinely.

I agree with @hotcoldnotsold , yes this is doable. You focus on work and if someone comes along, great! But if not, you improve your standard of living yourself. It's a sad state of affairs it you can't imagine a life where you can provide what you want without depending on someone else. Then what if you aren't happy and want to break up?? It's not the way forward. Relationships should be for fun, because you want to, never for financial reasons. I find that really sad.

hotcoldnotsold · Yesterday 19:04

one thing I would say is that being fairly fun and flirty and open to casual …… helps !!!!

right now that’s that’s where I am at
I want sex and fun

I’m not looking for marriage and babies 👶

I’ll shag them on the second date if I like them

and what happened was my second sex date ended up turning into something

I have a friend who wants something more serious , and she’s not shagging so soon for that very reason !!! And she’s filtering more strictly than me

and if someone said to me
‘your mission is to find your next husband online ‘ I’d totally panic 😱

conclusion
OLD is super great for fun , flings and casual - cock IKEA!

but not necessarily LT partner IKEA

Having a partner IS the popular choice not just financially, socially and companionship as well, the world is full of couples.
At 58 divorced I expected a single life working long hours probably sharing with my brother, not an enticing prospect, then a man I knew invited me to the theatre, 10 wks later I moved in.
Its a busy life now because we have all my friends and family as well as his friends and large extended family, not at all what I was expecting. I’ve given up nothing and gained immensely in many ways, most of all I’m happy

I might just be hoping for the best as someone who is in their 30s myself, but I hope that the 30s past it age thing is a bit of an outdated trope now? My friends are all mid 30s and bloody gorgeous! We don’t look that much different to when we were in our 20s but we are much wiser, funnier, have interesting careers - maybe lots of assholes who wanted a woman to control wanted us in our 20s when we were young and dumb but I would HOPE that some lovely men also in their 30s would be keen to partner up with us now if we joined the dating game?

I’m a big fan of meeting in person these days if possible, but understand that’s tricky!

I know someone who just shaved a few years of the dating app age which put her in more mens search results. She was upfront about it and is married now.

Another used a proper dating agency.

"imagine flat sharing in your late thirties, and how much worse that would be."

I tried in my early thirties and that was bad enough! The people were really nice, but I had got used to having my own space.

"ou could have a side hustle that doesn't take up much time to earn that? Plenty of people do. I have a friend who used to offer French tutorials in her evenings (she was single so had the time)."

She was single so instead of enjoying her evenings she had to do a second job. Tutoring is very intensive and tiring. Some of us don't have the energy to do two jobs and that gets worse as we get older. Two people with one job is better than one person having to work two jobs surely.

"and what happened was my second sex date ended up turning into something
I have a friend who wants something more serious , and she’s not shagging so soon for that very reason !!! And she’s filtering more strictly than me"

It's not necessarily a free choice though. Some people just can't do casual. And advising women to sleep with men on the off chance they will want to see them again is not going to end well imo.

"I know someone who just shaved a few years of the dating app age which put her in more mens search results. She was upfront about it and is married now."

How would you feel about men doing this?

"Another used a proper dating agency."

A friend told me how much this costs. You'd have to be pretty sure it would work.

The only people who refer to more than 8 sexual partners as "high body count" are men who can't get anyone to shag them.

Yep, also known as an Incel. The bottom of the dating pile, most women would rather remain single than date one of them.

The issue with a romantic relationship any romantic one whether marriage or partnership, is that it can literally fall apart at any minute. There is no guarantee the partner in question will be around in next week, next month, next year.
@pixie5121 I'm sure you are aware of this though? You always need to have your own back, as I'm sure you're aware.

@pixie5121 - you are defending yourself articulately and very clearly in the face of a convoluted argument that stems from the libfem stance of ‘women shouldn’t expect anything from men that is equality!!!!111!!’.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a life partner and pointing out that it is financially beneficial to be with that life partner. Men are doing the exact same under murkier circumstances. My loser uni boyfriend basically future faked and pretended to be a nice person so I’d apply for a mortgage with him.

Unless you are a high earner, and we can’t all be investment bankers or exit from lucrative start ups, modern life is meant for two people. Everything is much more expensive as a single person, especially if you are a poor middle earner.

Women can’t openly admit that it’s nice to be treated for dinner, I’m not surprised people are advising you to work all hours under the sun than hope for a beau to split the bills with and share the burdens and cost of life together. Christ, from the comments you have received about upping your income and having a ‘side hustle’ which you already have- you’d have thought you were demanding to be a SAH insta girlfriend.

People fall in love surely. I had a choice between a wealthy woman who I got along with but I had doubts about our sexual compatibility. I'd take sexual compatibility over a Millionaire lifestyle any day of the week.
I choose DP.

You bought a flat 16 years ago, before the 2008 crash...yes, well done YOU for being from a different generation and extremely lucky with the timing. 🙄Perhaps open a newspaper and read about why it's been much harder ever since then. I'm buying a flat now, so yes, it's possible, but the entire point is it's taken so much hard work and sacrifice that people in couples just haven't needed to put in. JFC

You and I are the same age. I bought my flat 7 years ago, long after the financial crisis. Had the added hassle of work visas and limited job options because I came over from the developing world as a broke student. I didn't have to make major sacrifices or live a crap life compared to my couple friends, but that's because my priorities were different to you. Working on my priorities felt fun. Doing a side hustle was fun, more fun than wasting it on dead end relationships or dating. In my 20s, when I moved to London, I knew I wanted a life here and that I had to plan sensibly for it. Because London isn't the kind of place you rock up to at 35, expecting a house, friends and bf to just fall in your lap. The people who are mid 30s and have some of those things have made very conscious life choices to be here.

People in their mid-late 30s living in London broadly fall into 4 categories:

1. People who were born here/went to school here and who's families still live here so have always had a community and life here.
2. People who came over in their 20s, fell in love with the city and decided they'd like to settle here so spent their 20s/30s building their networks, careers, finances, relationships.
3. People who were settled with a house/partner in other places previously and see London as either temporary or permanent move. Need to start from scratch for friends, house, maybe bf. But have the safety net of another established life to go back to should London fail.
4. People who came over in their 30s, not settled anywhere else previously. Need to start from scratch on friends, house, maybe bf. See London as either temporary or permanent. No safety net as they've always been transient, so every move is like starting again.

You fall into either 3 or 4, which will have the toughest time in London if single. I am #2 (as are a LOT of the dating pool), so at 37, I only have to worry about dating. Whereas you have to worry about dating, finances, assets and building a community all within a short time frame - so there's more pressure on you than other people your age who prioritised different things.

But this is a choice YOU made to leave the move to London until you were much older. It's like I left the decision to have kids till now, so have it a lot tougher than women who chose to do it younger. However, I take responsibility for my choice, and don't approach dating thinking, "A large part of me only wants a man so I can have a baby, because it's easier it a couple." I'd be single forever with that attitude. I'm not resentful life turned out this way, I just accept it's my own mistake and don't spend my life angry and blaming others.

No one is disputing having a partner makes life easier. However, you have said
that it's a large part of finding a partner. That's a terrible attitude to have because it's driven in part by desperation borne out of your own choices, and also feels callous. But I think you're seeing the fall out of that attitude on your dating anyway.

I agree a couple should have more income and choices are the result of pooling resources.
2 is better than 1.
However, I'm not sure people pick a partner purely based on resource pooling. I wouldn't.
I'd pick attraction over resources every time.

“I'd pick attraction over resources every time.”

Yea, youve got to like and trust someone you’re sharing with especially if you’re sleeping with them, you hope it’s long term, you've lost nothing if it doesn't work out, but you might gain a lot if you play your cards right!.