Do men not want to date women in their late 30s?

[onlinedatingsucks]

I am on a dating app - and I get one like a day. It has been years and years since I dated and I used to get so much more interest. Is it my age?

[hotcoldnotsold]

Incidentally we've answered OP's question.

Men don't want to date women in their late 30s because:

According to posters, majority of people (includes men) want a relationship for practical reasons like financial stability, ease of life and we can also assume men in 30s/early 40s may want kids too.

So they will avoid:

1. women of perceived dwindling fertility (late 30s onwards)in favour of younger women so they can have kids
   
2. women with health issues or conditions that may impact future earnings, employment prospects and maybe high medical bills and support
   
3. low wage earners or anyone not working, with a patchy employment history or limited prospects
   
   God, that's depressing.

[Hrpuffnstuff1]

@hotcoldnotsold

No one is debating whether having a relationship makes life easier or not - of course it does. However, when you're dating and trying to get someone to committ to you, your approach and how you come across matters most. So while people here might prioritise practical applications of a relationship over the warm, fuzzy stuff like love – how does that attitude come across to your date in real life? Because I imagine no one is that good a faker that their real motivations don’t show eventually. I believe that most decent men (and I can only speak for them as I date men) want someone who makes them feel good, loved and whom they fancy like mad. They're not as analytical as women, they do prioritise things like attraction and how they feel in your presence. Do they feel relaxed and cared about, like they can be themselves, or on edge and restless. Does the woman feel like home, is one I've heard my male friends mention a lot. Hence the mail order bride industry, not mail order groom, and why men seem to care less about a woman’s earnings.

So what a lot of men want is to fall in love. Love is critical to all these benefits relationships unlock because that is what makes a man commit to you, over someone else. They're not assessing bank statements or your spending habits after all. Lifetime commitment to share finances, home, life/kids etc requires love. It might be inconvenient to think about because it's fluffy and not rational, but you can't get away from it. If love wasn't important we'd all be making this commitment to friends and flatmates. Love is not enough on its own, but it's the first step to any relationship.

A woman who see financial stability and security as the driving force for a relationship is not going to make a man fall in love. It will come across cold and calculating. They aren't falling in love with the idea of cheaper rent or nicer holidays. They're falling in love with your looks, attitude to life and essence, and an essence that sees them as an asset isn't going to do that. And the other stuff is a natural bonus. Just like it's off-putting if they meet a woman who's primary reason for dating is to have a father for her kids. Or someone who wants a green card. All valid practical reasons, but they aren't going to generate love or commitment.

When you go for a job interview, you may want the job only for the money. But you'll pretend to the interviewer you’re passionate about it, love their culture blah blah. Now it’s easy to pretend for a few interviews. But with dating it’s a non stop, long term interview that you can’t fake. Even if you say all the right things, people can sense what you really feel. Most people want love, and want to be with someone they think is capable of loving them and understanding them – their layers, vulnerabilities etc. They figure that out from non verbal cues, questions you ask, your general view of the world, a feeling they get etc.

So we can all debate till blue in the face why people want relationships, what reasons are valid or not, but the opinion of internet strangers doesn’t matter

• what matters is what the man YOU want, wants from a relationship.
  It’s easy to forget it’s not just about you, their needs, wants, feelings matter too. And I sincerely believe that if more woman really understood the men they date better (and not just assume they want exactly what you do), they’d have more success with the whole thing. If you ask around, I think you’ll find that fewer men would say financial stability/security/ease as their #1 reason to date. It may be a reason, but not the driving force.

Great post.
The reason is men can only really experience, 'Love' in relationships, it's that search for fulfilment, sensually and the companionship only a woman can bring. This is when a man is truly vulnerable.

This is why the Bible quoted Adam, 'This is at last bone of my bones'.

I couldn't give a hoot about a potential partner's job or accomplishments. Although I would say a woman can never love a man how he would want. This is what causes resentment and dissatisfaction to churn over and over in the mind.

[YesJess]

You make it sound like it's as simple as just deciding and pressing a button. A lot of people have already married and divorced or just never met the right person.

Also, lots of people don't really have it all figured out in their 20s. I'm a completely different person in my early 30s in many ways. I'm no longer just focused on career/money and have reached a salary I'm happy at in a very stable job - much more interested in not wasting my life at a desk nowadays. My current partner is very different to those I had in my 20s, and I'd not likely have dated any of my previous ones had I met them for the first time in my 30s.

[YesJess]

Tbf, it doesn't have to be complex. You speak to somebody online, meet for a drink fairly quickly if you seem to get on (because people can be so different in person). After the first date or two it's not really any different to dating somebody you met in another way. I actually like meeting people who don't know my friends because you don't have to hear about them if it doesn't work out.

[LaSevillana]

How can a grown adult write something like this? I was engaged in my twenties, thought I'd done it all right, found a lovely guy right out of uni, focused on settling down and our future plans. Felt so lucky to have met him at such a young age, and avoided online dating and players and drama. He cheated on me when we were 30 and basically turned into a selfish, cruel monster. I've met countless women with similar stories...where the same man who pursued them in their 20s suddenly realises he has more options at 30+ and ditches them.

Life doesn't always pan out the way you want it to. I deeply regret the time I wasted building a relationship in my 20s. I wish I'd done so much more for myself and figured out what I wanted from life. You can find yourself single in your late thirties for many reasons that are nothing to do with messing around or not wanting to settle down earlier. I even have a friend whose husband died at 34. She's 37 now and only just starting to think about dating again. You have no idea what people have been through.

[CthulhuInDisguise]

@easylisten I did do that. I met DH at 20, had DS at 21 and married at 22. Very happily married, going to grow old and grey together. Then he died when I was 39 and am dating again in my 40s. Not sure how much sense I did or didn't show by marrying a man who had the temerity to die on me, but here I am, widowed and alone, dating a man with almost as much baggage as me, but falling in love again.

[D0lphine]

Thank FUCK I didn't settle down with the guy I lived with in my early 20s! 🤣 would have been a disaster!

[SheeplessAndCounting]

I do this the question should be why would women in their late 30s consider dating a man?

[SheeplessAndCounting]

Newflash: women can be settled and pay off a mortgage without a man. 😧😧

[SheeplessAndCounting]

And also, what do you propose women do then? Marry someone entirely unsuitable because they are almost 30? Dedicate their 20s to finding someone suitable, rather than enjoying single life and progressing their careers?

I have a friend who was in a LTR from mid-20s. They bought a house together. Tried for a baby. Were about to start IVF and then he fucked off when she was 37.

Your smugness is disgusting. Many people get screwed over. It doesn't mean they don't "have any sense".

[Musttryharder2021]

Can we also stop saying (all) women are progressing their careers? A lot of people regardless of gender aren't in "careers" but jobs. I know it's not the point of the last few posts but it really grinds me that single life is equated to career building, what about just going to work and earning money?

[SheeplessAndCounting]

@Musttryharder2021

Can we also stop saying (all) women are progressing their careers? A lot of people regardless of gender aren't in "careers" but jobs. I know it's not the point of the last few posts but it really grinds me that single life is equated to career building, what about just going to work and earning money?

That's what people with careers do, too? Very few people I know are doing it because they think it's fun.

[SheeplessAndCounting]

All careers are just jobs, unless you start your own business.

[LaSevillana]

@Musttryharder2021

Can we also stop saying (all) women are progressing their careers? A lot of people regardless of gender aren't in "careers" but jobs. I know it's not the point of the last few posts but it really grinds me that single life is equated to career building, what about just going to work and earning money?

Weird hill to die on...who cares? The point is that women, just like men, need to make money and pay the bills. That's why I hate the term 'career woman' so much. It implies there's an alternative to supporting yourself and keeping yourself alive. Imagine rocking up to a date as a 29-year-old woman and telling the man you've never worked and have been working on finding a husband? That he'll have to pay for everything because you don't have any money of your own? How well would that go down? So we're expected to find this magical balance of working hard and focusing on work and making good money but also not focusing too much on work? Building a career while also investing in a long-term relationship? Enjoying our twenties and doing travel and partying before it's time to have kids? All of this by 30ish, while paying extortionate levels of rent and trying to figure out who we are?

When I think of the climate of outright misogyny and sexism I grew up in, I actually feel a little bit sick. Men aren't called 'career men' for trying to find decent jobs. Men aren't shamed for focusing on work in their twenties. Men aren't constantly told the clock is ticking and they need to get a move on with starting a family when they're just trying to enjoy their twenties and early thirties. Being a woman is fucking horrible. Can't think of one single positive about it. Not one. If I could click my fingers and become a man right now, I'd love to.

[Lookingoutside]

It isn’t your age. All this talk of accumulating baggage and dwindling fertility is total fucking bollocks.

Search up Cindy Gallop on Instagram and Spotify.

[LaSevillana]

Yep. IRL I get approached by men as young as mid twenties, flirting and asking me out. Many of them think I'm late twenties at most. On the apps, my age seems to make me an old grandmother, even for men who don't want children. I'm filtered out because of my age. Goes to show how stupid and artificial it all is.

[Hrpuffnstuff1]

@LaSevillana

Weird hill to die on...who cares? The point is that women, just like men, need to make money and pay the bills. That's why I hate the term 'career woman' so much. It implies there's an alternative to supporting yourself and keeping yourself alive. Imagine rocking up to a date as a 29-year-old woman and telling the man you've never worked and have been working on finding a husband? That he'll have to pay for everything because you don't have any money of your own? How well would that go down? So we're expected to find this magical balance of working hard and focusing on work and making good money but also not focusing too much on work? Building a career while also investing in a long-term relationship? Enjoying our twenties and doing travel and partying before it's time to have kids? All of this by 30ish, while paying extortionate levels of rent and trying to figure out who we are?

When I think of the climate of outright misogyny and sexism I grew up in, I actually feel a little bit sick. Men aren't called 'career men' for trying to find decent jobs. Men aren't shamed for focusing on work in their twenties. Men aren't constantly told the clock is ticking and they need to get a move on with starting a family when they're just trying to enjoy their twenties and early thirties. Being a woman is fucking horrible. Can't think of one single positive about it. Not one. If I could click my fingers and become a man right now, I'd love to.

There's a marked difference between a career and a job. A career is a lifelong endeavor a part of your personal identity and a job is something you do solely for money. I run a business but it's still just a vehicle to earn money. No more no less.
I think it's very difficult to be wholly present in a full-time relationship-career and a family.
There are always trade-offs. It's a natural trilemma.

[LaSevillana]

@Hrpuffnstuff1

There's a marked difference between a career and a job. A career is a lifelong endeavor a part of your personal identity and a job is something you do solely for money. I run a business but it's still just a vehicle to earn money. No more no less.
I think it's very difficult to be wholly present in a full-time relationship-career and a family.
There are always trade-offs. It's a natural trilemma.

Not really. I think that's just brainwashing. Good luck being able to support yourself and have any kind of standard of living somewhere like London with 'just a job'. You need be earning a minimum of about £50K now for a modest quality of life as a single person - renting a studio/one bed (and that'll be nearly half your take home pay), paying for bills, transport, eating well, having some money left over for a few treats.

You make it sound as if 'just a vehicle to earn money' is some small thing and a career is a choice. It isn't.

[Musttryharder2021]

@Lookingoutside

It isn’t your age. All this talk of accumulating baggage and dwindling fertility is total fucking bollocks.

Search up Cindy Gallop on Instagram and Spotify.

Lol. I'll tell my friends who are struggling with their fertility in their 40s is "bollocks"

[LaSevillana]

What are you on about?

Why does it bother you so much that a woman dares to offend herself against a completely ridiculous attack on a totally reasonable, rational point of view? Are you a pickme who just giggles nervously when you're patronised and put down?