Do men not want to date women in their late 30s?

[onlinedatingsucks]

I am on a dating app - and I get one like a day. It has been years and years since I dated and I used to get so much more interest. Is it my age?

hotcoldnotsold · Today 00:49
Dating when you're older is harder for everyone, men/women/non binary

ish . When I was younger I wanted a ‘mate’ as
i wanted kids . That was my goal . Marrriage (never happened !) and kids which I was blessed with

now I’m late 40s , I want fun , distraction , company . And I was staggered to find out I’m still a desirable commodity . A lot of the young ones wanted a single mum ! Older woman etc

other single dads wanted me, as many want someone their age with the same issues

it’s actually easier now as I don’t have a goal

and many a casual connection can turn into something more meaningful

and , I’m suprised I met someone . Never thought I would . Thought I’d be single forever

One response a day sounds good if they are sensible responses and you don’t want the abusive ones anyway. Most men want a younger woman so put your age range at least 5 yrs older, make sure the photos are good and show you as you are, a poor photo and they won’t look further. Be careful about your qualifications and work achievement, most men are not looking for a dominant woman - they can find out about that later.

Its all about getting that first date, a coffee date lasting an hour, if they can’t do that within a week, move on.

Pose as a man and look at the other womens descriptions on the dating site, most let you look but you can’t message, half are wasting their time, with poor photos and details.

This is true it happened to me, if you are fun and good company you are desirable.

Well I think that goes for people in general. How many girl friends do you know who always go for drama fuelled relationships rather than go for someone more calm, reasonable, level headed but perhaps one who appears more 'boring'? Happens all the time.

@zonky I agree with your points in general but not the stats you quoted for womens fertility in their 40s.
As this BBC report points out, most stats quoted are based on a study of medieval French women, not healthy modern women.
There aren’t good stats.

Also, fertility does not plummet from over 80% at midnight on the eve of your 40th birthday to 5%!! We don’t throw away our contraceptives with the crumbs from the birthday cake.

I don’t want to derail the thread but it’s been mentioned so many times upthread that men avoid women whose clock is ticking, but that’s just misogynistic crap because many men have fertility issues too as they get older and it’s not acknowledged by society at all.

"Also, fertility does not plummet from over 80% at midnight on the eve of your 40th birthday to 5%!!"

No, but mid forties is a different thing. Most couples want to spend some time together before having a child so meeting someone at 42 if you want a baby isn't idea. If I were a 45 year old man with no children and open to having them, I wouldn't go for someone my own age.

"but look which of us is single...it's not her, is it?"

Not necessarily because of the drama though.

@Gwenhwyfar It’s misogynistic because it starts being held against women from age of 30 onwards, not in mid-forties.

No, it's from late 30s. There are plenty of women who themselves want to be settled by early 30s so they can have a child by age 35 seeing that as easier on them, having fewer health complications.

Well, @Gwenhwyfar your experience must be different to mine. Hopefully things are changing for the better.

“That women have to dumb themselves down and act like silly little bimbos”

No not like silly bimbos

You are looking for a man to date, if you meet in a bar or a club or any other venue he has no idea what you do, although if you dress like a silly bimbo he will have a good idea. If you like him you have a drink and a chat, you will know if he is “your type” quickly, it doesn’t need to be much different online, if you are looking for a “professional” man say so, otherwise leave the field as wide as you can.
Chat online for a day or two then phone him, if it’s still good arrange a date.

This is as old as time though. It's the same as the 'nice guys' complaining all the women go for 'bad boys' but in reverse.

I love this! It's exactly the right attitude to date. Not treat it like a peer reviewed research project. But just look to meet interesting people and have a good time no matter what! That kind of energy is irresistible, when you're just happy and good company. And tbh when you're older that's the differentiator - there's so many jaded/bitter people out there, if you're not, you immediately become more attractive. It's just like no woman wants to date a man who carries his rejection and baggage on his sleeve - no matter how good on paper, you just get the ick.

I always attached equal value to the flings I had as I did to long term relationships so I never got angry if it didn't work out. At least I had fun. The current guy I'm seeing told me it was refreshing to meet a woman who was so positive about relationships despite being divorced. He'd met loads who made him feel like he was representative of every shitty man they'd met. Felt very heavy.

I met an ex of mine for a drink the other night. We got on like a house on fire, always had an amazing time, but he could never commit to a long term relationship with me. He's now with a really rude, catty woman who takes him for granted and creates drama about everything

You may have this opinion of her but he doesn't. Because obv whatever is good about her far outweighs the bad. No one is a perfect partner so he just picked the person he fell in love with. Doesn't make her better or worse than you, just for him she was better suited. Maybe he fancied her more or she's more cuddly or makes him laugh more - could be anything. I've learnt there's no way to predict what people want in a relationship, and just because you value it doesn't mean they do. Dating is also understanding what the other person wants. There's no set formula for what makes someone choose one person over another so no point trying to rationalise it or learn from it.

@hotcoldnotsold

Sorry but you have no idea why that man is with that woman. He could be with her for a number of reasons none of which have anything to do with this woman being 'better suited'.

I wouldn't worry @pixie5121 most relationships are based on pragmatics of fear of being alone/inability to be alone, make autonomous decisions, financial ease etc. Like most relationships it is more likely to not work out anyway.

@xfan

I tend to assume most adults choose people they feel are better suited to them. And if someone has committed to one person and not another, it's because that one person has met more of their needs. Whatever those needs are. You don't know either why he is with her, his ex gf definitely doesn't. But it's kinder, and more gracious to accept that someone just chose the person they feel happiest with. And it's not because there's something wrong with them or the person they chose. I also think it's incredibly jaded and bitter to think all relationships are borne out of fear or drama seeking etc, or be so disparaging and catty about other people and their relationships- that sounds like an inability to deal with rejection.

No, life is expensive as a single person it really makes financial sense if anything to be with "someone".

Well it might be kinder and more gracious to believe someone chose someone else because they make them happy but that's also a very simplistic view of why adults have romantic relationships - as evidenced by many threads on the Relationship board and sheer miserable a lot of people seem to be in but aren't leaving these relationships for one reason or another.

I can deal with rejection I'm just not so naive to believe that everyone is in a relationship with their other "half" because they're in love.

Life as a single person may be more expensive but plenty of people manage it just fine. London (and most big cities) in particular has a large number of financially independent men and women who are looking for someone to fall in love with, or be happy with, because they already have careers, homes and friends.

Basing your opinion of relationships on a internet board people will only visit when unhappy or have a problem isn't even rational. It's just confirmation bias.There's plenty of happy stories on wedding blogs and engagement/anniversary thread and in care homes of true love. One of my friends is a surgeon and often talks of the love she sees between some couples when one is undergoing major surgery. Another used to work in refugee camps in Jordan and spoke of how love was the only thing that held some couples together during a crisis. Just because people make decisions based on money, loneliness etc,and because relationships hit rough patches or fail doesn't mean they're devoid of love! Unless you have done a statistically relevant analysis of the entire world's relationships, your opinion is based on your own POV , which is obviously a negative one. Using your example of posts on this board, plenty of women find their friends and family draining and want to avoid them, if they are negative or jaded. So why would men we date be any different?