Do men not want to date women in their late 30s?

[onlinedatingsucks]

I am on a dating app - and I get one like a day. It has been years and years since I dated and I used to get so much more interest. Is it my age?

It doesn't mean older men are more attractive. Obviously they are not. Perhaps if society didn't disadvantage women so much fewer would be looking for an older man to fund them and pretending he is attractive.

"Why do men think this applies to women but not to them?"

Fertility (and therefore subconsciously perception of attractiveness). Their fertility wanes with age, but not in the same way as ours does. Unfair, but that's how it is.

I think for many women power/status (and money is related) is itself attractive so they're not 'pretending' to be attracted to the older men. They really are (to them).

"In fact from an evolutionary persoective older men are not ideal. So that whole pattern is down to socioeconomics and ingrained prejudices, not biology."

I suppose the evolutionary reply to that would be that the older men are still somewhat fertile and can provide for the family. Women may occasionally cheat to breed with a younger, fitter man and have the older man provide.

I agree. Powerful or high achieving men are usually confident, clever and charming. They have to be to get to where they are. It isn’t always about the money I don’t think.

Powerful and high achieving men are often apart sociopathic. You could argue that attraction to typically dark triad traits makes dating so challenging for women.

Low intelligence men are the most predispositioned to violence

@SheeplessAndCounting I don't think I would take such a definitive stance on nature vs. nurture. An older successful man can provide obvious security that a younger unproven man can't. Women are more choosy because we have limited eggs whereas men can have almost limitless babies. There's no way those two biological factors don't influence mate choice. It's not a biologically even playing field. It makes sense that the sexes have differing strategies.

High intelligence men get the lower ones to do their dirty work for them.

I'm in my 40s and have met a man in his 40s who wanted to date someone around his own age. So I'm sure there are men in their 30s or early 40s looking for someone your age. I mean, I'm not exactly much of a catch so if I can find love anyone can!

Sorry, what does that mean?

Men have wishful thinking but most are lucky to get anyone at all.

Remember a post where the posters friends 50 something deadbeat ex had put that he wanted some 20 year old sexpot on a dating app the friend said he couldn’t even be arsed to get off the sofa so she wondered how this would actually work in practice…

This makes a lot of sense! Especially the last couple of paragraphs. I'm late 30s did OLD for years am without any (long term) success.

Met my now DP IRL and we don't meet each other's online 'criteria' at all but everything about it feels so good. At the back of my head it could become an issue one day (I don't want more kids and he doesn't have any). When/if that day comes that he decides he wants DC I'll be heart broken but will totally understand. I've been open from the start about not having more and he's more open to the idea but not fixed either way. He says his priority is a happy loving relationship but I'm well aware priorities can change

I think the issue with OLD is how would any guy know you have all those positive attributes?

I think the apps make this type of thing so much worse... so much easier to categorise people by age (as well as hair colour, job, stated height etc etc). Back when people typically met each other in places like the pub, there was more chance they could bump into someone, strike up a chat and perhaps there is some chemistry - even if they weren't their preferred "type" on paper. The amount of choice online - and the fact that you don't know if you'll have chemistry until you meet - makes shallow considerations appear much more important.

@pixie5121

I can sense a lot of frustration in your post, and you aren't alone.

I'm sure you know from your own observations that many people 'settle', they don't really have chemistry, or a connection or anything special about their union. They just stuck together, realising somewhere deep down internally, that being "together" is better than navigating life alone. For a limited amount of others, it's luck and timing. Some of these feelings produced when we're around someone we fancy are our hormones going crazy, as we know, however now meeting that same person in your 20s and in your late 30s/40s is likely to produce a different effect. In other words, it's less about them and more about your hormones raging or the lack of them. I say this as I think I'm going through perimenopause and am totally "seeing" men in a different, exposed light. Almost like "what was deal with them?" "What was all that angst about?".

I know this doesn't help you, no advice other than keeping living your best life, and I fully agree, your "requirements" aren't particularly demanding.

It’s numbers game and fate
i don’t thinks it’s your age either

but , what’s to be lost by changing your profile for a week ?

say different things , express different interests
see what happens ?

Dating when you're older is harder for everyone, men/women/non binary. Just like changing career is harder when older or making any big life change. There's fewer options, more risks involved and everyone is less flexible. I know plenty of men who are 40-42 who say they're 38 on the bio as they think most women in their 30s have a cut off at 38-39.

But it doesn't mean it's impossible or won't ever happen. It just means you need to be accepting that it takes as long as it takes and not get defeatist/bitter/jaded - all of which will guarantee you won't meet anyone. I know plenty of people who've met partners or even second spouses much later in life, 40s, 50s etc. There's a billions of people in this world and logically you know there has to be at least one person you can click with. So everything is about just maximising those chances. Doing all the things you love, enjoying your life so it attracts good people who want to be a part of it, putting yourself out there sensibly and trying to learn more about others and what they like. I think a lot of people are very unrealistic about what the sort of person they want really wants for themselves.

I personally think most men want someone who makes them happy and allows them to live their best life (whatever that looks like). And so are most likely to go towards what feels good rather than review a woman quite so analytically in terms of fertility etc. All the guys I know or have dated in the past have ended up with women a similar age to them. The only one who went a decade younger got so much flack for it and he admitted he wanted someone who'd just do whatever he wanted, more pliable. He was deeply insecure and no one thought well of him. So the guys who do go much much younger likely have a lot of issues themselves!

As for the daft idea that all the good ones are taken in their mid 20s... No. There's plenty of good ones who are living their 20s being independent, learning to fend for themselves alone, travel, forge a career, buying assets, enjoying hobbies, and sowing their wild oats before settling down in their mid-late 30s. The ones who settled young are the ones likely to have a mid life crisis when they realise they've never really been alone or really know who they are outside a couple. And you'll meet them on their second go post divorce! Anyway we are all living till our 80s - its good to have some time to yourself and date around more.

Dating isn't a competition. There's enough people for everyone. The scarcity theory causes so much damage to people because it makes you feel like you're in a race. Except it's your life and a lot more enjoyable if you think you'll meet someone at some point and whether you have 60 years with them or 40 years - you'll still have had a good life.

And more practically, there is something about what the algorithms churn up, and who they show you to/who you see.

I'm seeing someone I met on Bumble and he's the physical type of both my friend and I who were swiping the same age range and narrow area. But he showed up quite early in my stack yet never showed up in hers - likely he was much further back and she'd have had to swipe a lot more. We couldn't figure it out as we are both the same age too and our swiping patterns are similar. Only thing I could think is our profiles differed on photo types. She had lots of sexy dressy ones and mine were mostly doing outdoorsy things with no make up. So my stack was obv guys who swiped more on girls doing sport
rather than beach photos and hers were guys who ignored anyone with no make up. That's why a pp advice is good, to change your profile up and see what that does to your matches. Might show you guys you've not seen before.

Dating apps are basically male privilege at work.

I met someone and had healthy DC in my 40s, no problem with conceiving naturally and know others who did the same.
The fertility angle is just another thing that is overblown and leveraged to men’s advantage to make women feel lesser, and exploited by the extremely lucrative fertility industry.

Mens fertility rarely comes up (excuse the pun) but it’s an increasingly common factor given the widespread abuse of alcohol and drugs including viagra, as well as porn. Paternal age is a factor in many birth defects but less research has been focused on it.

To simplify, my advice is to think carefully about what you want from a relationship long term and whether you are likely to find it on a dating app or whether you could find it elsewhere. Otherwise you’re wasting your valuable time and energy boosting male egos for little in return.

@snowqu33n

I don't want to turn this into a fertility discussion, but just because you and a few others had no difficulty in conceiving, it is an undeniable fact as well as statistically proven, that egg quality is significantly reduced at this point and the chance of conception less than 5%. Getting and staying pregnant as well having a live birth at the end of pregnancy is a challenge for most women in their 40s.

I do agree that male infertility factor is not discussed as often as it should be. Male factor is responsible for increased miscarriages rates, amongst other chromosomal abnormalities.

I think because nobody can control other people's behaviour, ultimately you have no control over how and whether the relationship will develop and continue. It's not about what 'sort' is on the apps or isn't, there all sorts of people everywhere,and people also change and change priorities as they see fit. You can only retrospectively say 'I made a good choice'.