Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do men not want to date women in their late 30s?

283 replies

onlinedatingsucks · 21/07/2022 14:23

I am on a dating app - and I get one like a day. It has been years and years since I dated and I used to get so much more interest. Is it my age?

OP posts:
Ntsure · 21/07/2022 18:05

Who cares what men want. Focus on what you want and how to achieve that.
dating apps are awful they're like shopping for people so of course people come up with criteria that they wouldn't necessarily actually care about in real life

RedWingBoots · 21/07/2022 18:09

I feel like I should just give up now.

OP one of the major things you are up against with OLD is the algorithms.

So playing around with certain parameters e.g. a wider age range can be hacking an algorithm to get men who are actually in your age range and interested in women their own age have your profile appear in their search results.

This also why I said get help from your male friend with different search criteria. If you aren't showing up amongst the top results then you need to play around with your profile so it appears.

Anyway this is the TED talk a PP mentioned - www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating?language=en

MissMaple82 · 21/07/2022 18:11

Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen · 21/07/2022 14:31

They might be worries you are in the last chances of trying for a baby?

I actually don't know to be honest, it just crossed my mind.

Whaaaat?

ihavenocats · 21/07/2022 18:31

No, it's not your age. In fact, and I only know this as my husband is younger, younger men, as in twenties, are into women in their thirties now, it's kind of a "thing". They like the maturity and perhaps it's a novelty for some but many of the more mature ones are put off by the state of women their own age in the generation of workshy, constantly anxious, pornified "sex-positive" mindset they're in, and prefer a woman who is established and up for living a nice quiet family life.

SheeplessAndCounting · 21/07/2022 18:31

Suprima · 21/07/2022 17:17

You will be best upping your age parameters, and then filtering out blokes with kids if you aren’t open to stepkids (it’s completely fine not to be).

My late thirties now-husband had his age parameters set to more than ten years younger than himself, which I am. It was a massive red flag for me in the beginning, but there were enough green flags for me to take the risk (pleased I did, but it still a bit 😵‍💫 about this when I think about it too hard).

Men will men, as seen in the graph. The subset of men who are nice, in employment and generous with their time will still try and go for women a decade younger if they think they can.

Gross

Gemi33 · 21/07/2022 18:36

I really sympathise OP. I'm 39 and would have loved to have children but nevertheless the right person. I'm on an app and find the same, I think men who want children are looking for someone younger. I feel so sad about it.

Ntsure · 21/07/2022 18:38

ihavenocats · 21/07/2022 18:31

No, it's not your age. In fact, and I only know this as my husband is younger, younger men, as in twenties, are into women in their thirties now, it's kind of a "thing". They like the maturity and perhaps it's a novelty for some but many of the more mature ones are put off by the state of women their own age in the generation of workshy, constantly anxious, pornified "sex-positive" mindset they're in, and prefer a woman who is established and up for living a nice quiet family life.

What a horrible way to talk about women.

misssunshine4040 · 21/07/2022 18:52

ihavenocats · 21/07/2022 18:31

No, it's not your age. In fact, and I only know this as my husband is younger, younger men, as in twenties, are into women in their thirties now, it's kind of a "thing". They like the maturity and perhaps it's a novelty for some but many of the more mature ones are put off by the state of women their own age in the generation of workshy, constantly anxious, pornified "sex-positive" mindset they're in, and prefer a woman who is established and up for living a nice quiet family life.

That is in your husband's opinions I've never heard other men speak like this

Pleaseaddcaffine · 21/07/2022 18:59

Maybe I'm odd I went on and everyone wanted more kids... I'm 38. It was depressing and a no from me. I'm actually struggling to meet one who dosnt!

SamWirral · 21/07/2022 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rainbowdaz · 21/07/2022 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You again, James?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 21/07/2022 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You're definitely single.

Ohmygoditsgonewrong · 21/07/2022 19:42

I'm a bloke and my ideal new partner would be a woman in her late 30s early 40s

Ideally with a kid so she knows what family life is like and would be happy to do family orientated things at the weekend

This wouldn't be good for me as it would fit my current life style

People just need to keep hunting till they find someone who wants the same as them

mrsm43s · 21/07/2022 20:06

Hmm, well logically, if I was a man aged 35-45, and I wanted to meet a partner to have children with, I'd probably be looking for someone sub 35 to increase my chances of meeting someone, having time to get to know each other well and still be comfortably in the window where pregnancy was statistically likely to happen. So I'd probably rule out someone late 30s because by the time I'd spent a couple of years getting to know them, moving in together, getting to a point we were ready to start a family, someone I'd met when they were 37/38 would probably statistically much more likely to have fertility issues. On the other hand, if I was a man aged 35-45 and I knew that I didn't want a(nother) baby, logically I'd probably look for someone either 40+ or for someone with a completed family, as those people would be more likely to be on the same page about not wanting children.

Of course that's a logical, calculated view, but when online dating you have to have something to filter down by.

In real life, I think that the spark, the attraction, the gut feeling, the fancying would be far more important, and its more likely that you'd meet someone compatible, because you wouldn't get filtered out.

Joey69 · 21/07/2022 20:10

Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen · 21/07/2022 14:38

That probably the issue

If the men want a baby they are probably looking in the early 30s range, and if the men don't want a baby they are probably looking slightly older

Maybe be upfront about it like another poster said, so the men interested in starting a family know that you are interested too?

I think this is about right, probably the slightly older man (40 to 45), who wanted to start a family would seek a 35 to 40 year old woman to minimise the age gap, I think the 35 to 40 man would probably look an early 30’s woman so they could have some years as a couple before starting a family together

Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen · 21/07/2022 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You know what makes you a 'beta loser', comments like this...

Because good men, nice men, decent men, successful men, regardless of looks or any of that alpha or beta shit, they don't think like this.

Suprima · 21/07/2022 20:19

SheeplessAndCounting · 21/07/2022 18:31

Gross

It is, isn’t it? I’m not denying it!

On OLD, as I did, men will state their perimeters and specifications in a way that they wouldn’t do in day to day life and see if they get bites.

You may meet a 35 year old man when you are 34 and click and you get your happy ever after, of course- but people act very differently online, and that same 35 year old man may have his age limit set to 27 on Tinder. Practically, he may want to wait a few years for kids and have more couple time first. Or he’s just shallow. Or he ideally wants a younger woman to manipulate. Who knows. The latter is more common though.

OP- if you don’t want to date older, try younger? You may meet some guys in their twenties who want to settle down and are looking for someone a little older for that reason. Or a younger bloke who falls devastatingly in love with you and wants to match your timeline!

Whitehorsegirl · 21/07/2022 20:21

OP I would say widen your net and don't just use online dating.

Most men on dating apps/sites in the age range your are targeting are going to be the type who are not looking for commitment because they already have done the marriage/kids thing, men who want to date younger women (so many men on dating sites seem to think they are entitled to date women in their 20s even if they are in their 40s/50s/60s...) or men who are not single at all...

Maybe also try to meet men through your friendship circle, hobbies and so on in real life.

If your aim is to have a family also look at going it alone if that is a possibility.

Frankly for many people online dating is a rather depressing and unrewarding activity.

Watchthesunrise · 21/07/2022 20:26

Because good men, nice men, decent men, successful men, regardless of looks or any of that alpha or beta shit, they don't think like this.

Yes they do. My entire circle is nice, decent, highly-successful men and they all think like this.

OP, I'd go it alone. If you want a baby there are lots of ways to have a baby.

HangingOver · 21/07/2022 20:26

The other problem is men in their twenties and early thirties on OLD are flakey fuck boys so lots of younger women probably want to date someone older!

wh00pi · 21/07/2022 20:33

Watchthesunrise · 21/07/2022 20:26

Because good men, nice men, decent men, successful men, regardless of looks or any of that alpha or beta shit, they don't think like this.

Yes they do. My entire circle is nice, decent, highly-successful men and they all think like this.

OP, I'd go it alone. If you want a baby there are lots of ways to have a baby.

Nice decent men who are classist ("Riley and Lily Mae", we know what he's insinuating), who call other men "beta males" and generally have a dim view of women especially single mothers. If all your friends are incels, maybe they're not all that nice and decent after all.

He could've just said he doesn't want a woman with kids and left it there. I can only guess a single mum bruised his ego.

frozendaisy · 21/07/2022 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SamWirral · 21/07/2022 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SheeplessAndCounting · 21/07/2022 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lol. Lots of single women with children are perfectly capable of providing for their own "offspring", but I'm sure they'd all give someone like you a wide swerve. Lots don't even want to cohabit again. Not sure why you think you'd be paying for someone else's kids? What a weird attitude.

SheeplessAndCounting · 21/07/2022 20:38

good men, nice men, decent men, successful men, regardless of looks or any of that alpha or beta shit, they don't think like this.

Indeed.