Being the ‘secondary’ parent as a Mum?

[nightmareallys]

My DH and I are in the stage of talking about children, and what our lives would like with children. We both currently work full time in similar paying jobs, and I enjoy mine more than him and I have a clearer route of progression and pay rises. It’s also easier in my job for me to move round to different companies - I have a set “role” that many companies use. His job is more specialist and less transferable.

He’s also definitely more excited about being a parent than I am. He’s very family-focussed and loves his nephews and is really excited about parenting. I think I’ll find it much harder as I’m quite selfish and I think I’ll find not putting myself first quite trying at times. My DH is already a very selfless person and does that already often. We’re both keen to avoid nurseries for our child/children until school age (apart from a little socialisation in the year before school), just personal preference based on our upbringings.

Anyway, all this to say it seems to me that the best option for us both may be for me to go back to work at 6 monthsish and for my husband to become the full time, stay at home parent. He has expressed an interest in doing this and we think the finances would work. I’m thinking this would be a good way for me to maintain independence and get to be more of the traditional “Dad” parent - weekends and evenings, not the hard grind of childcare.

My main worry is our relationship would suffer - I read a lot of threads on here from SAHM’s whose husbands are resentful of being the ones to keep the family financially afloat, or SAHM’s complaining working parents don’t do enough to help. I worry about how to navigate that, as I would expect my husband to do the bulk of household jobs and child responsibilities - I will not be doing any nighttime’s when I’m working for example, that’s the point of having someone at home. At the moment that’s fine in principle and we both agree, but clearly a lot of people have found that harder in practice.

Anyway, I’m interested in hearing from women who have been the breadwinner whilst their husband’s have stayed home. Or, I guess, from SAHM’s who can give advice on navigating one working, one staying at home.

Why wouldn’t you be doing any night-time wakings?

I think it’s fine for either parent to stay at home depending on what suits their family set up, but you don’t seem very interested in any part of being a parent by the way you write. DH remained full time and I was mostly at home for DS’s first year but he was still very hands-on - did his share around the house, got up at night, spent plenty of time looking after DS when not at work, etc.

I'm the breadwinner and the wife in this situation. A few things:

a) It might be different where you live but DH was stark in being the only man in baby/toddler classes. It took him a while to get used to it and he hasn't made any 'mum friends' so sometimes feels quite isolated.

b) It's not fair that DH will do ALL the night wakings. My DH would be the first to respond but if DD is awake for hours then I'll tag him out or if she's had a couple of bad nights then I take over. Sleep is important for everyone, not just the working parent.

c) Our relationship has suffered a bit, but not due to resentment. The SAHD role has affected DH's self-esteem and worth. He struggles with the fact that SAHD is not the norm and people always react a bit weirdly. He's coming out of the end now but it was bad.

d) Household jobs and childcare are not always feasible. DH does the housework but only since DD started nursery, before that it was split, probably 70/30. Plus I do the meal planning/cooking because DH is hopeless in the kitchen and I like nice food!

Honestly, I think you need to re-adjust your expectations for what it looks like for a stay at homer and a working parent.

Wow! You've already decided you're not doing night times? If you were a man saying that you'd get crucified. You cannot opt out of night feeds just because you're working. You are both parents. The study at home parent also needs rest. Just because they are home doesn't mean they are not in need of a break. If you think that's an acceptable division of Labour, I'll tell you, as someone whose now exH didn't do any nights with any of my three, it breeds utter resentment. It's exhausting and soul destroying. I'd suggest you have a rethink.

I am the breadwinner in our household. Though me and dp don’t have joint kids.

however I also was when I was with exh. though I did 18 months as the sahp with ds. Imo, a lot of the frustration and resentment between sahp and wohp, is caused by people being focussed on their own exhaustion, stress, boredom, responsibility etc.

The sahp can forget that being entirely responsible for the household can be very stressful, especially in times where costs are going up (like now). They can forget that often alot of brain space is taken up with work. They believe office jobs are 90% socialising and relaxing. They get jealous of alone time the wohp gets during the commute. Or the relentlessness of it. Or how you can sometimes feel you want to make a change but find it more difficult as you are the only source of income.

the wohp, feel resentful, that the sahp can make their own routine. If they don’t want to go out they don’t have to. They can stay home if they want. Resentment can creep in if money is tight Ian and the sahp is spending money socialising or extra (not must haves) for the family or home.

Those aren’t exhaustive. But just to give an idea. Fact is that neither side is easy. Both have perks and both have downsides. And, my experience is that where the couple can acknowledge that and make sure they work together to help eachother then it’s ok.

one big thing to remember is that, if you split, he will likely get the children for the the majority of the time and (having given up work) probably a bigger chunk of joint assets.

That may be something you are ok with. But it’s very difficult. My exh got board of having the kids so they came with me anyway. Anymore than 2 nights a week and he isn’t interested. So I didn’t have that issue. But it worth keeping in mind.

I would also say, are you sure you want kids. Not just because you want to keep working. I wanted kids and wanted to keep working. But there’s a few bits in your post that suggest you don’t really want them and are having them, mainly for your dh. That itself will cause resentment. You often won’t be able to put yourself first. But your dh won’t be able to put you first too. Apologies if I have read that wrong. But that’s how I read it.

remember, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids.

We personally don’t agree it’s fair to expect one person to work full time hours and also wake in the night with a baby.

Parenting an under 2 (under 3 for alot of children) is a full time job, it really is.

You would have to do a substantial share of the housework and night waking.

It will be hard for a while forbyou both, but that's the same however you manage parenting a child through the baby and toddler years.

The nighttime thing probably should be clarified. Do you mean you won’t be doing them, ever?

or, as I read it, just not if you are working the next day?

If the first is your attitude, then this won’t work.

if it’s the second I think it’s fair enough and many couples follow similar patterns

With respect, if you've never done this before, this is all theory. The reality is very, very different.

Yeah, it’s really easy to agree something in principle and then feel completely differently when it’s been 6 months since you last slept for more than 3 hours at a time

I know several couples where this is the case and it suits them fine.

Are you sure you want children? You’re quite proscriptive in your thinking and admit you’re selfish and want to opt out of key parenting like night feeds. Don’t do it for your husband. What if he ends up hating it and you’re stuck doing it all? You can remind him he promised to do most of it but you can’t make him stick to that.

If you’ve got any doubts I’d give parenting a swerve.

It’ll be interesting to see your husbands perspective on that when he realises that SAHP role IS a full time job/hours, without the benefit of coffee breaks, lunch hour, chats with colleagues….

i ageee with PPs, just because you’re not the SAHP doesn’t mean you don’t do a share of night wakings and housework! DH stopped working when I went back to work after DC2. It made sense for us financially and personally. But for eg I still did all the cooking for DH and me and did my fair share of the ‘mental load’ (eg buying uniform, organising birthday parties, etc)

Having DC will always put a strain on your relationship, no matter who is the primary parent. You have to completely reconfigure from a couple to a threesome (and then again if you have more DC). It changes your relationship in a way that’s hard to imagine before you have kids. DH and I certainly underestimated it.

In terms of being a SAHD, DH struggled massively at times (low self-esteem due to losing his professional identity being a big one), but I struggled too in different ways. Key thing is to communicate and talk about expectations openly. He did make plenty of mum friends though and as a result was much better integrated into our local community than I was for a while.

DH started working again when DC1 was settled in school after the lockdowns and has been significantly happier as a result. Although we’re incredibly lucky that he works from home flexibly around the school day, so he still does 95% of the pick-ups (I drop off in the mornings) and after school ferrying.

Sorry - when DC2 was settled in school, not DC1!

Umm but the person staying home with the baby IS working full time hours, and as you can read on many threads here it is often acknowledged that they get much less downtime in a typical 5am to 8pm than someone working outside of the home.

Sorry but you sound incredibly naive about the reality of family life.

Very interesting points from all, thank you!

I would help at weekends and on non-working nights, I also would still do some home jobs (cooking would be one of mine for example!) I think that focussing on our own stress only is my biggest fear. Really interesting post @stackhead - I’m sorry your husband felt isolated. My husband naturally enjoys being on his own which Inworry would make him more isolated in this role as he doesn’t have the drive to go and make connections. It’s a worry for me.

To be honest I’m not entirely certain I want to have kids but my DH does and that was very clear when we married - we had endless conversations about it. I chose him and children over no more him, I love him so much and he’s so perfect in every way for me. I couldn’t give him
up so I’m happy to have children and I think we’ll be fine - he’ll be a great parent and I’ll be an OK one and we’ll be able to provide. We have a lot in place to make having children easiest for me so I’m happy with the decision I’ve made - and I’ve made it. As long as we can do so, I will be having children. This is a conversation around how best for me to parent them, whilst our relationship is my primary concern.

That's very easy to say when it's hypothetical. Much harder when you are two years down the line, exhausted, up every night, up early every morning and no end in sight. Broken sleep is awful. Long term broken sleep is something you can't understand until you live it. You need to accept that what you say now, and what happens once baby arrives may be very different.

I took a full year maternity leave with DS1 and then went part time. This time with DS2 I am taking 6 months and then DH is taking 6 months. It is not fair for one person to do all night wakings. Yes in the week maybe but then the SAHP needs some rest at weekends. DH has taken some of the early morning feeds so that I can get some sleep even though he is working.

You could look at shared parental leave to see if this suits your situation.

"This is a conversation around how best for me to parent them, whilst our relationship is my primary concern."

Your children deserve your wholehearted, unconditional and heartfelt love, time and attention. Your lukewarm approach could be so damaging. Children know when they feel unwanted, and even though you say your dh would be an amazing parent, having a disengaged mother really can have a negative effect on a child emotionally and psychologically.

I'd really think twice before having kids if this is really how you see things.

This is so interesting, because in our real life his sister is a SAHM to two boys and she constantly tells us how easy it is. I find off-Mumsnet I often hear stay at home parents don’t say it’s a full time job in the same way as work is. It’s different but we’ve been given advice from a couple of different people that it’s easier. I don’t know, I guess we’ll see.

Do you mean absolutely never, or only during the working week?
We have 4, and I was a SAHP when they were little. I breastfed, so did all the feeds, but my DH would still take a baby who wouldn't then settle to give me a chance to sleep.
I don't think you understand that unrelenting broken nights can make a person really unwell.

One month into motherhood might throw everything you're currently thinking upside down. Just stay open to changing feelings and don't be too inflexible.

Put it it this way, you are BOTH going to have to work harder than you ever have before.

Also, when a baby is screaming through the night, you can't just sleep through it anyway. You will be fretting and trying to help, I guarantee. Also what if the baby only wants you? What about the many times they will be poorly and you'll both be worried and trying to settle them? What about when they vomit several times in the night and sheets and clothes need changing.

I can guarantee even if you wanted to, you won't be sleeping through it all unless you have a second home you'll be living in.

And if/ when you have a second child, what then? You will definitely need to both be involved then if there's a toddler/pre schooler and a baby!

Yeah, this won't work.

Completely agree with this.

I'd have a rethink if kids are right for you, OP.

By inflexible I mean you have decided a lot in advance already - about nursery, for example. I'd one dc who didn't like it and one who ran in the door and thrived there. Your dh is going to find it much harder to work in the future than if he just took a year out or worked part time.
But really none of us knew how it would go when we had babies (I imagined mine would sleep at some point, for example)