Being the ‘secondary’ parent as a Mum?

[nightmareallys]

My DH and I are in the stage of talking about children, and what our lives would like with children. We both currently work full time in similar paying jobs, and I enjoy mine more than him and I have a clearer route of progression and pay rises. It’s also easier in my job for me to move round to different companies - I have a set “role” that many companies use. His job is more specialist and less transferable.

He’s also definitely more excited about being a parent than I am. He’s very family-focussed and loves his nephews and is really excited about parenting. I think I’ll find it much harder as I’m quite selfish and I think I’ll find not putting myself first quite trying at times. My DH is already a very selfless person and does that already often. We’re both keen to avoid nurseries for our child/children until school age (apart from a little socialisation in the year before school), just personal preference based on our upbringings.

Anyway, all this to say it seems to me that the best option for us both may be for me to go back to work at 6 monthsish and for my husband to become the full time, stay at home parent. He has expressed an interest in doing this and we think the finances would work. I’m thinking this would be a good way for me to maintain independence and get to be more of the traditional “Dad” parent - weekends and evenings, not the hard grind of childcare.

My main worry is our relationship would suffer - I read a lot of threads on here from SAHM’s whose husbands are resentful of being the ones to keep the family financially afloat, or SAHM’s complaining working parents don’t do enough to help. I worry about how to navigate that, as I would expect my husband to do the bulk of household jobs and child responsibilities - I will not be doing any nighttime’s when I’m working for example, that’s the point of having someone at home. At the moment that’s fine in principle and we both agree, but clearly a lot of people have found that harder in practice.

Anyway, I’m interested in hearing from women who have been the breadwinner whilst their husband’s have stayed home. Or, I guess, from SAHM’s who can give advice on navigating one working, one staying at home.

@nightmareallys the main thing that concerns me most in this whole thread is that you have nowhere really talked about a baby as being an actual, separate person who needs love and nurturing. It all comes across as a sort of logistical exercise to please your husband.

What are all these jobs that involve coffee breaks, lunches and downtime?
It is quite possible to be able to manage the majority of household tasks and look after children. The working parent should be equally involved in managing the housework and children once home from work. It’s what all households do where both parents work. Claiming that emptying the dishwasher is onerous is ridiculous. It takes around 1 minute and can be done whilst the kettle boils.
OP your set up could very well work. Please don’t be afraid to break the traditional set up.

@Dillidilly this thread was started to be about the logistics. I don’t think I particularly need to discuss the amount our child will be loved - I don’t think that is dependent on who stays at home and who works so isn’t relevant to the thread.

I am having a child because it’s something very important to my husband and something I felt ambivalently about, and before our marriage we discussed it at great length. Since that decision has been made, there are many aspects of parenting a child I look forward to! Can’t wait to read to them or having Christmas traditions. I’m excited for the new aspect of seeing my husband as a father. I’m very comfortable in my choices. Our child will be loved and nurtured.

@Hobbitfeet32 thank you - I appreciate you have understood the point of the post!

Maybe I've misunderstood, but your posts read that you are expecting your DH to do all the 'childcare grind'?
The majority of us on this thread are trying to explain to you that parenting needs to be a joint endeavour. Expecting one parent (of either sex) to do all the childcare grind is not something to aspire to.

Lots of people have jobs with lunchbreaks, and jobs where you can even use the bathroom (alone) when you need to! It's not that uncommon.

Looking after an infant or a toddler is very much "full on." Infants go through a cycle of cry-change nappy-eat-cry-sleep-cry that is essentially on a 2-3 hour repeat every 24 hours until they are at least 3 months old, if not 5-6 months old. Some babies have colic and just cry much of the day for the first 3 months of life as my own son did. On the other hand, other babies around 8 weeks old just settle into sleeping a full 12 hr at night. Every baby is different. Toddlers tend to be "go go go" all day from 6 am until whenever they go to sleep. You either have to entertain them or take them to toddler groups or take them outside, or clean up after whatever they are currently destroying. There is not always time to tidy up the house. Some toddlers will happily follow you around and pretend to vacuum the floor while you vacuum the floor. Others will spend that whole time having a tantrum. Some toddlers are highly. Highly! Offended! That you have to go to the bathroom. It depends on the toddler. So during those ages, the stay-at-home parent may not be getting a lot of cleaning done during the day , , and may be pretty frazzled by the time the other parent gets home from work.

School age children are much easier, IMO. That is usually what we remember of our own childhoods because we don't form long-term biographical memories when we are infants.

The idea that mothers just did all of this to perfection, without help, in the "goode olde days" is probably not myth, but I think reflects the misogynist times in which they lived. Women did not expect to have a sense of accomplishment, or to get respect from others. They were trained, from childhood, that their feelings were less important than those of males. They expected that after they married they would obey their husband and be grateful they were given food, clothing, and shelter by their generous husband, and they were expected to do all the "feminine" jobs on their own, whether it meant caring for their 8th baby or taking care of their husband's lecherous elderly uncle. If they went on vacation, they expected to spend it taking care of everyone while the husband had an actual vacation. When they became old, they continued to take care of the house and even of other relatives (whoever needed care) while the men retired and were allowed to sit and rest and have hobbies. Was there any material effect of this on women's life expectancy, health, or happiness? I would imagine so. Was it measured in any of the metrics designed (primarily by men) at the time? I doubt it.

This has the capacity to work only if he is going to take on all the tasks that you aren’t prepared or able to take in yourself. There’s a lot of life admin that needs dealing with once you have children. From doctors appointments to dealing with the nursery and then school. Then obviously preparing meals, cleaning the house, food shopping etc. As long as he really is going to step into a stay at home role fully then that’s cool. If he’s idea is to only parent and the rest is still your job then you’re going to be resentful.

DD was very clingy and would not be put down to sleep so we ended up co-sleeping. She NEVER went down for a nap in her cot during the day (she only started sleeping through when she was 6!) It was exhausting and I never had anytime to do anything around the house. Going back to work was like having a break! OH had an amazing ability to sleep through night wakings, whereas I seemed to be on high alert and would wake at the tiniest snuffle. Apparently mother's brains respond differently to babies cries.

We always though OH would be the better parent but as the kids got older OH became less chilled and more impatient, whereas I, the fiery one, have endless patience with them. Parenthood can change people drastically!

The other thing is that the kids always wanted me over him, despite us trying to parent 50/50; bedtimes, bathtimes, storytime, making them a drink, taking them to appointments, you name it, they'd want me to do it. Unless I wasn't there and then he was an acceptable replacement lol. Exhausting for me and a little upsetting for him, but I think it's that maternal bond.

I really would urge you to think hard about having kids though. They take over your entire life and I can imagine that if you're not 100%, then you would really start to resent them. Parenting is the hardest job ever (if you're doing it right) and this is coming from someone who bloody loves it! It puts a massive strain on relationships as well, especially if one parent isn't as committed.

You would think I'm mad. I've had a child in my bed every night for 12 years!!!

I think people's consternation on this thread @nightmareallys could be summarised as
Our child will be loved and nurtured
By how many parents?

Perhaps it's so obvious to you that you will love and nurture your child that it doesn't need saying. But that has so painfully NOT come across, the oppose seems to be screaming our from your posts, that of course people are sidetracked from "he'll not do any nights for the first six months and then I'll never do any again, is that doable?"

Of course you love this post, despite the fact that the role you’re describing you want is NOT an ‘average dad’ - the fathers I know are hands-on, involved in parenting, carry a share of the household load…

If you split up, his primary role as care giver will be taken into account. Just something to think about.

It doesn't sound like she will around for the kid anyway.

My SIL could have written the above. She persuaded my brother to move cities and said it would be a great place to start a family. He would go part time. It never happened.

I think you are underestimating what it is like to have a child. It really isn't like getting a dog and deciding who will walk it every day. Having a child will take over your life, regardless if you are at home and at work.
I am not saying from a place of judgement as I was very naive about the whole thing myself before having children.
I do agree with others that you have to properly want this child, rather than do it out of a sense of duty, as much for the child as for you and your husband.