Being the ‘secondary’ parent as a Mum?

[nightmareallys]

My DH and I are in the stage of talking about children, and what our lives would like with children. We both currently work full time in similar paying jobs, and I enjoy mine more than him and I have a clearer route of progression and pay rises. It’s also easier in my job for me to move round to different companies - I have a set “role” that many companies use. His job is more specialist and less transferable.

He’s also definitely more excited about being a parent than I am. He’s very family-focussed and loves his nephews and is really excited about parenting. I think I’ll find it much harder as I’m quite selfish and I think I’ll find not putting myself first quite trying at times. My DH is already a very selfless person and does that already often. We’re both keen to avoid nurseries for our child/children until school age (apart from a little socialisation in the year before school), just personal preference based on our upbringings.

Anyway, all this to say it seems to me that the best option for us both may be for me to go back to work at 6 monthsish and for my husband to become the full time, stay at home parent. He has expressed an interest in doing this and we think the finances would work. I’m thinking this would be a good way for me to maintain independence and get to be more of the traditional “Dad” parent - weekends and evenings, not the hard grind of childcare.

My main worry is our relationship would suffer - I read a lot of threads on here from SAHM’s whose husbands are resentful of being the ones to keep the family financially afloat, or SAHM’s complaining working parents don’t do enough to help. I worry about how to navigate that, as I would expect my husband to do the bulk of household jobs and child responsibilities - I will not be doing any nighttime’s when I’m working for example, that’s the point of having someone at home. At the moment that’s fine in principle and we both agree, but clearly a lot of people have found that harder in practice.

Anyway, I’m interested in hearing from women who have been the breadwinner whilst their husband’s have stayed home. Or, I guess, from SAHM’s who can give advice on navigating one working, one staying at home.

I don't think it's fair you say you won't do nighttimes - grand maybe with the first one but if you had a second you would need to look after the older during the night..
Also, you need to divide the day fairly aswell so when you come home from work you're 'on' as your husband has worked the full day aswell..
You also need to make for him to have a break - my husband and I try to give each other an hour or two of our own time during the week and odd whole Saturday.
A stay at home parent works when you work and then everything is divided - also bear in mind it can be difficult to cook/house clean depending on children's ages so you have to play a part in that too :-)

I think how easy it is depends on a lot of factors- some babies are easier than others and having enough money helps massively. But my experience was like your SIL's- I found being at home with a baby and toddler easy and enjoyable. It doesn't get talked about much on MN because people tend to come on here to discuss problems rather than how well things are going and it's hard to say it without sounding smug.

I've seen lots of posts where the mum
stays home and the dad works full time.

They agree they wouldn't expect the dad to do night feeds when he has to be up for work.

It shouldn't change if the dad is the SAHP.

It's just so hard to predict how it will pan out for you, because neither of you really knows how you will feel about your choices once they become a reality. Plus babies vary a lot.

Parenting an under 2 (under 3 for alot of children) is a full time job, it really is.

Not everyone finds that. I found being at home with a baby/toddler and doing pretty much all the housework and the night feeds far easier than being at work!

@Bex000 Thats great advice, thank you!

My husband and I both work part time - it's definitely the way forward if you can manage it. We both have an appreciation of how difficult it can be to entertain a toddler for hours, and we both get a nice break at work!

With shared parental leave and more flexible workplaces, could this be an option? don't think too hard and fast about your careers. I tried to plot out my entire career before I had my baby, and then was utterly derailed by redundancy, PND and actually wanting to hang out with my kid more than i thought (not all the time though!)

The preschool years feel long but are suprisingly short. We've sort of just made peace with the fact that this period of time is not when we're at our highest flying career levels, but we're both making enough to get by, and we both get to see our child grow up. Don't make any decisions too inflexibly before you have your baby - they are known to throw the calmest life into absolute chaos

My husband is a big boy and has made a decision on wanting to have kids with me himself, knowing me much better than anyone from a post on Mumsnet does. I personally don’t think anything is going to go tits up but we’ll see! No one in our lives is telling him to run for the hills. It’s neither abusive nor controlling to try and work out a division of labour in a household.

Also - I’m obsessed with the phrase “more red flags than a rodeo!” Never heard it before and I love it!

I work FT so does DH. He was a physician in his residency program when we had kids. And he was a fully engaged parent. That has been critical to our marriage and relationship. Parenting is a full time job, and if you add chores to it, it is a RELENTLESS day. You'll then be able to a full night's sleep and your DH won't, and he gets up and does it again and again? Resentment will build very very quickly. As someone who has stayed at home on maternity leave AND had a FT job- going to work was so so so much easier.

What happens if your DH wants to alter the goalposts? One of our kids didn't settle well into daycare and DH was more than willing to take time off so we could both be PT to try and find a solution and if that meant his career took a hit, that's what you do as a parent.

• you can't see it as 'his' job and 'your' job. You are a team. DH for instance, when I was on maternity leave would wake up, make breafast, make packed lunch, do all the laundry, take the baby while I ate, changed him, played with him. As soon as he walked in through the door, he would take over, do bedtime, and at night wake up if necessary (sometimes I would feed and then hand over to him). He would also do all the jobs that needed doing in the evening. Even now he handles all extra school stuff and most of the household jobs. I do homework/extra curricular and also do all the cooking. That's how we work as a team. And when one of us is ill or is under pressure at work, the other person takes over.
• if you are so reluctant to take any career break for your child, or even a step back you should think about whether this is right for you. I don't say that because you are a woman. My DH has made several career choices based around the kids and my career although he earns three times what I do. Again that's because we are a team.
• you have to be willing to negotiate. What if DH does want to go back to work? What if you need to use childcare? What if he is ill/depressed and is struggling to handle full time childcare- what is the back up plan?

I am always reading about these women who are rude or downright hostile to men in baby groups. Yet, personally, I can’t think of a single woman I know who would behave in such a way. I certainly didn’t, and didn’t witness others doing it. But then neither did I find that baby groups were massively great places to form close friendships either. Mostly we just arrived, did the activity, made some small talk at the end and went on our way.

lol

Thank you for all your advice and anecdotes - very interesting all round! A lot of the drawbacks around pensions and re-entering the workforce we’ve considered. I have to say I’m shocked that so many Mum’s are exclusionary of dad’s in baby groups - that makes me really sad, especially as usually women on here are vitriolic about Dad’s not being involved enough.

A lot of food for thought. Of course things might change totally after baby comes. I won’t be breastfeeding at all though, so I’m hoping there won’t be any need to do night wakings once I’m back at work. When I’m on mat leave and husband is still working I’ll do all nights when he has work the following day. As some other posters have said - most people I know do this in real life so I’m not worried about it being abusive to the other parent.

Definitely taken on board the points about ensuring he has free time. Super important. And the stuff about making sure I don’t just go from work mode to mum mode and have none of my own time either. Really glad I posted, thank you!

But your husband will be working full time hours as the stay at home parent, often with no tea/lunch break or chance to mentally switch off during the commute..

Don’t do it

You sound like you’ll just be resentful about the impact on your mental and physical health

your child will suffer.

@MangshorJhol It’s not that I’m unwilling to take a career break, it’s that we both can’t do that and it makes more sense for him to be the one to stop working right now. My job is nothing like being a doctor or something like that, it’s pretty 9-5.30 with little travel and many of my colleagues are parents so I’ve seen how well the job fits into family life.

You do realise that the night rules will mean that you do every single feed whilst on maternity leave?

Whilst hugely sensible to be talking through these things, ultimately you'll have to see what type of DC you get! If the baby doesn't sleep for eg, you'll have to help out with the nights because if your DH doesn't get any meaningful sleep he won't cope and his mental health will crash.
What has worked well with me and my dh is not keeping score, not keeping things 'equitable'. We meet each others needs. If I've had little sleep with the baby then he'll get up and do breakfast with the baby and let me have an extra 45-60 mins of sleep. We don't take turns with weekend lie ins. We all just get up and crack on with whatever needs doing. If he needs some time out he gets it and vv. We try hard to say to communicate with other eg 'I'm frazzled I need some time this afternoon/evening' before it builds up too much.
Unfortunately and genuinely, until you have children you don't know what parenting is going to be like. Additionally, your children and your family will be unique so what other families can pull off with ease, you may not.
What gets us through is the mantra 'this too shall pass'. Parenting young children is the highest of highs and the lowest of lows (light-hearted and not talking about serious ill health or disabilities). Stay at home parenting is a 24 hour a day job with children under 12/18 months, so the plans you have outlined are unrealistic.

LMFAO honestly.
tell me you don’t have children without telling me you don’t have children

You don’t know how you’re gonna feel about being a parent, things could pivot very easily but one thing is for sure - if you insist on rules like “I work so I’m not getting up with the baby” then you’ll be single parenting within a year.

its a one way road to resentment.

Parenting is a team job, sometimes you pick up more slack because your team mate needs it. And they do the same.

"This is a conversation around how best for me to parent them, whilst our relationship is my primary concern."

That's so sad, they need to be your primary concern. Yes, of course your relationship matters but they come first and your husband will have to put them first so make sure you'll be okay with that - everything changes xx

I would be interested to hear how your sister in law finds it so easy - I have just joined mumsnet but don't know anyone in real life who feels like this..

I’m really struggling to understand something here - which is something I often find confusing on other threads.

People saying that being a stay at home parent is a full time job and you have to treat it as such and split everything 50/50 when you get home - is the parent who is working full time not doing more? When do they get downtime? I’m genuinely confused. My Mum was a stay at home parent and my Dad didn’t really do anything round the house and that was fine - she also never did house jobs at the weekend, that was for during the week and evenings and weekend were family time. She was incredibly house proud and the house and life admin were never dropped, but she managed to do most at home as she considered that her job. Maybe it’s modern parenting.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide.
I think it’s really positive and sensible that you’re thinking all this through and thinking about the effect it will have on your relationship too

re your point about dads, in my experience they’re not “excluded” in baby groups but of course it’s often a slightly awkward dynamic if there’s only one man there in a group of women.

Everything is theoretical, before you have a baby. My DS wouldn't settle for my husband until he was around 2. That was just the kid I got. If I hadn't done any night wakings, he wouldn't have been fed / slept / stopped crying. That's the reality for a lot of mums. Just think - if you wanted a snuggle and to feel better, would you want your mum or dad to do that? Most people would say their mums. Babies ain't that different!!

I think if you don't expect anything to go tits up with parenting you might be in for a big shock.

• we didn't expect one child to settle so badly at daycare.


• we didn't expect a child to have a long neonatal stay


• we didn't expect that one of our kids would be a dreadful sleeper despite everything we tried.


• we didn't expect that one of our kids would have repeat admissions in hospital.


• we didn't expect that I would find the early years of parenting very hard for my mental health and that DH would adore it and be resentful about work taking him away from it.

As an aside, if you work 9-5:30 why on earth won't you be doing the night wakings? Given that roughly your DH will be up from 6 am, probably be flat out with a small child till 8 pm, doing chores every time the baby naps, and then be up multiple times at night, how is his day any less hectic than yours. Also if you are doing a job that doesn't require surgery/heavy machinery, there is even less reason for you to not pitch it at night, especially if your child is a poor sleeper.

She just thrives, I don’t know how else to explain it! Her first baby was very ill when born and had a really rough time including a massive operation when he was 6 months so even though she’s had it tough she’s always said it’s so much better staying home than being at work! My step-sister is quite similar, she gave up a very high paying career to stay at home and we all thought she’d lose her mind but she always says how much easier it is.

People on Mumsnet do find it easy though - there are some on this thread!

Everyone is so different though!

I don't see any harm in this as a provisional plan as long as you are both prepared to be a little bit flexible. If your baby's sleep is a real issue you might just have to step in at nighttime occasionally to give your DH a break. Similarly, if your DH starts to miss his working life you might need to be prepared to consider some time at nursery (it really isn't a bad thing - a good nursery can be so beneficial in helping your child to develop and know how to be around other children). I'm curious that you are already so sure you won't breastfeed - why not at least try it, just in case it works out well for you? There's NOTHING wrong with wanting to keep your career, or in planning for Dad to stay at home, but lots of your thinking seems very rigid, and the one thing that is the case for almost everyone when they have children is that they have to accept that things cannot necessarily happen the way they planned them. If you like everything very very tightly controlled and with no deviation from the plan then parenthood might not be for you! The last thing to say is that in all of this you haven't accounted for your own feelings or the (hopeful!) likelihood that you will love your baby, possibly more or at least in a very different way than how you love your DH. Once emotions and the feeling many mothers have that they would jump in front of a train to save their baby come into play, you may not be so sure of all these plans. Just be flexible and prepared to adapt if necessary.