Being the ‘secondary’ parent as a Mum?

[nightmareallys]

My DH and I are in the stage of talking about children, and what our lives would like with children. We both currently work full time in similar paying jobs, and I enjoy mine more than him and I have a clearer route of progression and pay rises. It’s also easier in my job for me to move round to different companies - I have a set “role” that many companies use. His job is more specialist and less transferable.

He’s also definitely more excited about being a parent than I am. He’s very family-focussed and loves his nephews and is really excited about parenting. I think I’ll find it much harder as I’m quite selfish and I think I’ll find not putting myself first quite trying at times. My DH is already a very selfless person and does that already often. We’re both keen to avoid nurseries for our child/children until school age (apart from a little socialisation in the year before school), just personal preference based on our upbringings.

Anyway, all this to say it seems to me that the best option for us both may be for me to go back to work at 6 monthsish and for my husband to become the full time, stay at home parent. He has expressed an interest in doing this and we think the finances would work. I’m thinking this would be a good way for me to maintain independence and get to be more of the traditional “Dad” parent - weekends and evenings, not the hard grind of childcare.

My main worry is our relationship would suffer - I read a lot of threads on here from SAHM’s whose husbands are resentful of being the ones to keep the family financially afloat, or SAHM’s complaining working parents don’t do enough to help. I worry about how to navigate that, as I would expect my husband to do the bulk of household jobs and child responsibilities - I will not be doing any nighttime’s when I’m working for example, that’s the point of having someone at home. At the moment that’s fine in principle and we both agree, but clearly a lot of people have found that harder in practice.

Anyway, I’m interested in hearing from women who have been the breadwinner whilst their husband’s have stayed home. Or, I guess, from SAHM’s who can give advice on navigating one working, one staying at home.

Sorry not RTFT. My FIL was a SAHD. He loved it and the kids had a great upbringing however MIL still did a fair bit around the house.

I'm currently on mat leave with number 3. I'd say with number 1 mat leave/staying home is easy. If you want more than one it is definitely a full time job. Even when only one of mine is home DH has to help with household tasks. Maybe I'm just shit, I don't know. I'm going back to work early - to a senior, stressful corporate job - and I can't wait!

@ihavenocats I agree to a point that as a SAHP the housework is my job, but, I don't believe DH should play no part. He has a very important part to play in it - not making my job harder and role modelling good behaviour to the kids.

By that I mean he should tidy up after himself, put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, put dirty clothes in the laundry basket, help clear up after meals, help clear away toys on the weekend, give decent notice if he needs a particular thing washing etc. he's an adult in this house too, he's capable of all these things.

Whilst it's great to have these discussions OP and make plans, you don't seem to be allowing any manouvre for emotions and feelings. We don't know what kind of parent we are going to be until the baby arrives.

It's honestly like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship and it can cause a massive strain. We have twins and adore them but it was extremely full on in the early days. Nothing could have prepared us for it. I'm presuming from your posts that you are only planning on having one .... supposing you have twins?

I also thought I'd be able to leave them and swan about socialising, which I could have done practically as DH was very hands on, but emotionally I found it very hard to be away from them for long when they were tiny. It was a physical thing, hard to explain.

Urgh I did every single night waking with two non sleeping children whilst also working full time and being the higher earner.
what you seem to be missing is the feelings you may well/most likely have for the baby, you may actually want to do these things and actually be gutted that you have committed to being the sole earner.
I don’t think you can really know how you feel until there is an actual baby rather than a theoretical one.
Based on point 1 - I am not happily divorced .

Yes good points, I agree totally.

The person staying at home is working more than full time. Do you think they should work 24/7?

Op I don’t think kids are right for you. All of your language portrays your priorities and they seem to be stay away from your child as much as you can. You’re not going to be a good mother with that attitude and your comment about not going part time because of your pay and your promotions was insightful. Your baby needs to be loved not just something to manage.

Neither DH nor I would be willing to take the (different)risks that come from (1) being financially dependent, or (2) the sole earner.

I think it’s v unwise to prioritise avoiding using any paid childcare over both partners’ earning ability and financial stability.

wouldn’t make any assumptions about how a man - or anyone - might behave as a parent based on their enthusiasm for it, behaviour towards others’ DC, or apparent ‘selflessness’.

I was the primary parent until six months ago. I was on a go slow whilst DH pushed with his company.

He sold it in April so now he does a few hours a day and is the primary carer for primary age DC,

It's FANTASTIC - I never have to leave early for pick up. I can drop everything for a work trip if I need to. All the mental load is covered so I can concentrate on my career.

I get to swoop in and do the cuddles / fun stuff.

It's like being a man!

I am a dad who took SPL for 3 months when our boy was 9 months, and I never felt like this at all, the mums were very welcoming. In fact I probably made more mum friends than my wife did! It probably depends on the area and the context though. If we have another one I would be very keen to do SPL again.

I am a dad who took SPL for 3 months when our boy was 9 months, and I never felt like this at all, the mums were very welcoming. In fact I probably made more mum friends than my wife did! It probably depends on the area and the context though. If we have another one I would be very keen to do SPL again.

Just want to say I love how you’ve managed to rile up some posters here but wanting to be an average dad. And I don’t think it’s a terrible thing. I also really love how through the posts you’ve been clear on what you want and are not ashamed of it. Don’t think it is bad to have a mum like that either. Please pass your genes on.

Not rtft but I am the main earner in our house and we also wanted our children to avoid nursery till they were 4. We chose to both work 2.5 days a week. It worked very well for us.

We took turns. When our children were pre-school we both took turns at being SAHP, working part-time and full time.

At no point did either of us become a 'secondary' parent. We just varied our employment outside the home.

It worked fine for us because we regard each other as equal partners. We both parent, we both do the house work etc.

Op nowhere in your post do you actually express how much you want children. They can't just be a thing to get done to make your husband happy. Perhaps children aren't for you. Your post reads as quite cold and clinical.

"not the hard grind of childcare."

My dh works full time in a physical nhs role with a high level of clinical responsibility and he definitely feels the hard grind of childcare! There is no escaping it just because you work, it's an inevitable part of being a decent parent. Bonding and nurturing happens during doing the hard stuff.

"My main worry is our relationship would suffer"

This also rings alarm bells to me. Sure it's ok to worry about that side of things a bit but to have this as your 'main' worry when it comes to becoming a mum is a bit off as it isn't really a worry to do with your abilities as a parent or anything directly to do with parenting, just how much children will get in the way of timings.

If you think children are going to be a burden then don't have them.

There is nothing in the least bit "natural" about being a SAHM, as some on this thread have suggested. The SAHM role didn't even exist for most of human history.

TBH I don't think the model of one person at home and one person at work is the best option for anyone involved (including the children), whether the SAHP is the mother or the father. Obviously, many people disagree with me there. And it's a perfectly reasonable choice for your DH to be a SAHD. However, I agree with PPs that you can make all the plans you like before a child is born, but the reality may be much different to the theoretical baby you are currently imagining.

I would also say that raising a child isn't some sort of household task like laundry or cooking. A SAHP should take on the bulk of housework IMO. But the WOHP should be equally involved in childcare and fully present for his/her child when he/she is at home. And that may include night wakings or anything else.

This is funny because it’s exactly what everyone has been doing to me on this thread!

My blood has run a bit cold reading this, just so many warning signs.
You won't 'help' at the weekends, you're their mother.
This whole dynamic where you're having kids as a favour to your DH and therefore it should be as easy as possible for you will rot away the connection in your relationship. It's so corrosive. It's just a set up that no healthy, equal, happy romantic relationship can flourish in.
Even your approach to night wakings just smacks of a complete lack of understanding, sympathy and teamwork.
It's not about working vs SAHP and which one does which role. That's logistics. It's about how you parent together as a couple and in my opinion, your current approach just spells doom.
In theory, a SAHP is there to provide childcare while the other parent is at work, and outside of that parenting and home stuff could/should be split fairly equally. One is not there to be a parent and the other an individual who 'helps out at weekends'. One is there to keep the child happy and safe in lieu of childcare outside the home, one is there to fund the family.
The roles are split within working hours, not within your life as a family. That's just not cohesive.
If you don't want to be a parent don't be a parent.
Don't throw your kid a bit of attention now and then and feel like you're so great for having them at all as it meant you made your partner happy.
This won't make your partner happy, and won't be a healthy environment for the child.

Love this post

"I have to say I’m shocked that so many Mum’s are exclusionary of dad’s in baby groups"

One reason for this is that, in my experience, mothers in baby groups often bond over the physical aspects of being a mother. For example, I remember noticing that when a new group of mothers of young children got together, one of the things we would all talk about was our birthing and postpartum experiences. Giving birth is a shock to the system! Mothers of small children also talk to each other about things like breastfeeding. These are very intimate things to talk about and many women don't feel comfortable discussing them when a male is present.

@aloris I think that's the key.

Most SPL dads are doing baby groups post 6 months. By that time the post partum days are memories and there's more to talk about.

The early days baby groups are a lot of swapping war stories or getting used to breastfeeding away from home. A lot of women won't feel comfortable doing either of those things in front of men.

FWIW OP, DH and I are both part time and so split childcare/work absolutely equally.
He spends half his life in the 'traditional Mum' role, goes to baby groups, deals with sick kids, whatever is required.
I don't give a shiny shit which parent does what, but if when I was on mat leave and my partner was full time he acted like you are planning to act, we wouldn't have a relationship. I did all the night waking because I breastfed, but I knew my husband would have done more if he could, and was ready to be tapped in if I needed it, and there was never any time he was 'unwakeable' because he had work the next day.
You bet he got home from work and got straight into family life. And no he didn't 'do.more' because he'd been at work all day and I'd been at home.
Don't make up for an unequal division of labour in society by assigning an unequal share to your partner in your relationship.
Sometimes shit happens and things end up unbalanced, but to go in planning to be so hands off is just a recipe for disaster for your relationship.

I wouldn't give it so much thought or worse, assumptions about what will and won't happen. You can plan all you want and set supposed standards but that baby arrives and blows 99% of anything out of the water. Bottom line seems you're not that into the idea of being a parent and if so don't do it.

You're overthinking it all

Wait til you actually have kids the see how you feel

Best laid plans etc