Does anyone else have a husband like this?

[Kanfuzed123]

I know I usually post quite lighthearted things but there’s one thing that’s been getting to me for a while, I’m probably going to phrase this unreasonably or harshly and I’m prepared to get flamed/called out on it. But I feel like my husband can’t do anything. By that I mean without supervision or me having run around and check he’s done it properly after, which he doesn’t take kindly to.

some are minor thing and some not but he just won’t listen. I’ll give you a major for instance, been on holiday and rented a car, putting car seats for kids back in our car, because as per usual I’m watching the kids and cooking (I also have a bad back so it’s hard for me to lift them, bend over and install them) they are isofix (aka easier to install). My fault I didn’t supervise him or check he’d done it properly after. He’s taken both children out in the car since, I got to put kids in car and dc1’s car seat is 6 inches off the bottom of the car seat and dc2 isn’t flush against the back aka they are incorrectly installed, which he refused to believe but it’s f’ing deadly and anyone with eyes could see it was wrong, and no he isn’t visually impaired.

i ask to watch food whilst I feed baby, i come back and it’s burnt black to the bottom of the pan… I say to him I said to watch it, to which he says oh i did, you didn’t say to not let it burn

what’s really got me today, is our online grocery order. I menu plan and he puts the order in, i wrote explicit ingredients and then an acceptable sub… get the order to today and he’s ordered half wrong sodding stuff. I’m honestly at breaking point with it. This is ridiculous right?

I’ve never heard that expression before in my life lol, no just 0 affection at other points and then just comes over with an erection

I would have buried Im him under the patio by now.

The car seat thing is beyond dangerous. It's clear that nobody would assume they'd done it right so does he ask you for help when he can't work out how to do something ?

Keeping an eye on the good thing is the sort of logic that I would expect from a 12 year old
who was busy on TikTok and is at an age where they find it hard to admit a fuck up. (Or he's a lawyer so twisting arguments is the norm)

Does his job come with an assistant? I am imagining a more competent but junior person covering obvious errors and omissions that he's made

Yanbu to expect better. Was he this crap before kids? Clearing up after a meal is a job that mine have been doing since they could walk to the dishwasher.

How did I know he'd present his erection to you as a prize? I just KNEW this, by your descriptions of his general attitude towards you.

Ok that’s given me hives. I really recognise it. Christ it was years and years off the end of my relationship but I’ve been there and you put it WAY more succinctly than I could have done.

I would seriously go and see a solicitor and see how things would pan out if you left him.

He is either useless and thick, or being stupid intentionally. Whichever, your children are clearly not safe with him.

And then he laughs at you when you tell him you're angry about his shoddy 'parenting' and general uselessness?

Not a good father. You no longer fancy him (no surprise there). He doesn't respect you. Three good reasons to divorce him.

Just going to leave this here.....

Weaponised incompétence is the perfect phrase. It's deliberate and to put you in your place.

Mine has a Big Important Job too, but switches off entirely at domestic stuff and fails to follow the most simple of instructions or does something wrong or badly.

Then will either tell me he’s so busy at work that he doesn’t possibly have time to do anything else and will act all stressed, or will deny that I’d given him said instructions at all, say that ‘you do -enter whatever told off for- badly too’ (I don’t), or just sulks like a scolded child for a while.

He’s generally a great person, but domestically he does have his moments.

Oh god he’s not that well paid high 50s is all

that he acknowledged was dangerous, but also somehow my fault as I could’ve installed them

Is he one of those tedious types who can't admit when they're wrong?

If you used to cook together he can surely cook alone?

If he's cooking something that he will eat he surely doesn't mess it up?

I can recommend a wonderful book, it is called “The Surrendered Wife”, which I can summarise as shut up, sit back, let him fail and above all, let him deal with the consequences of it. After a few weeks a wonderful husband emerges who is able to think and act like a responsible adult.

…. in the meantime, just make sure the kids are safe and fed, even if that means you do the car seats while he leaves the luggage behind.

Totally agree.
My elderly mother is like this. She lives with me- fit and able for her age- no cognitive deterioration,.Unfortunately she has a passive agressive streak.
I asked her to watch some sauteeing onions a few months ago while was in the attic looking for stuff. She agreed ( of hers that she had asked for) While I was up there I could hear the smoke alarms. I came down to see my mother stirring blackened onions, pan nearly on fire, blue smoke rising. I asked what was going on, she shrugged and said " you asked me to keep an eye on them, and I did"

The thing is, your kids are going to be more capable than him in a short while and they will be forced to participate in this circus performance of incompetence.

How can you fancy this man child who (unlike your kids) will never grow up?

Well he now has to cook the dinners using the ingredients he purchased as if they're "the same" he'll be able to make tasty meals out of them won't he?

The car seat on is barely forgivable though. Who would put their own children in danger just because they can't be bothered to read some instructions? ☹️

Would he agree to couples counselling. It sounds awful.
To those asking why you stay I can understand your concerns about leaving him as he’d have unsupervised contact with his young children. Lots of women unfortunately wait it out until children are a bit older and can deal with neglect at their dads eg make sandwiches or call mum in emergency.
Obviously some if different expectations - frozen veg and fishfingers are good enough. But safety isn’t negotiable.

He’s acting out a role learned helplessness. Choosing to be incapable. Able to hold down a well paid responsible job can’t do chores or cook…yea riiiight. He will continue for as long as he can get away with it

I have an ex husband like this 😂 I decided 2 children was better than 3!

you didn’t say to not let it burn - sorry, I know you are at the end of your rag, but this made me laugh!!!

I am sincerely hoping that he has sufficient redeeming features to keep you sane.

Is it worth sitting him down and saying how pissed off you are with his strategic incompetence? This would drive me nuts.

My OH was a very organised man (aka obsessional) and did lots of household tasks (because my filth threshold was exponentially higher than his) but I did have to accept that the things he did might not be to my standard or were done in a way that made me exit the room to leave him to it. But he definitely would not have left a pan to burn - he would have worked out that watching it was for the purpose of preventing it from burning - brain like a planet my bloke had!

Good luck!!

Yep, he can do a good job at work because he might not have anyone tidying up and ensuring everything is right running after him.

Honestly, as difficult as it is take a back seat, because if you insist in ensuring he is doing everything correctly you are going to end up divorced as he will let you continue doing everything while he takes it easy.

What happened with the burnt meal - did he clean pan and make fresh food or did you. If he isn’t having to deal with consequences he won’t learn. Likewise food ordering - when he mutters it’s just the same let him try and make dish with no key ingredient. Or just make for you and kids that night and say oh it was falafel on meal plan but no chickpeas so we are just having beans on toast.
I’d split cooking in half - he will only improve with practice. Maybe he could try hello fresh?

i ask to watch food whilst I feed baby, i come back and it’s burnt black to the bottom of the pan… I say to him I said to watch it, to which he says oh i did, you didn’t say to not let it burn

I can't get past this sentence. Maybe an 11 year old might allow this happen or use the same excuse but a grown man? I just couldn't live with that.

That's contempt. He's an arse.

Why is this good enough for you?

OP, so sorry you are going through this, I do hope he sees sense and recognises that he needs to step up! After all you both made dc’s not just you!!

I do feel for you, I had an ex who would not learn how to cook because when he grew up he was used to maids cooking for him, he lived with a roommate who was happy to cook for him (another man), looked awful 85% of the time and it always gave me the ick!

though this is a serious thread your responses and replies have made my day

There is a Spanish joke that goes like this:

Two men are talking after dinner while the wife is doing the washing up, so the visitor ask
—how is it you are not helping her?—She doesn’t want me to.
—Mine would kill me if I just sat and did nothing, how did you manage that?
—it is very simple, the day after the wedding I woke up and made breakfast, taking care to burn the egg pan when at it.
I used those very expensive plates her family gifted us and broke 2 when doing the washing up. The next day I broke another and burnt my shirt while ironing it, and a day later I broke the crystal wine glasses her boss gave us.
Since then she does everything and I relax.

If he can manage at work, he can manage at home, once he learns mummy wife is not clearing after him or bailing him
out. Honest