Does anyone else have a husband like this?

[Kanfuzed123]

I know I usually post quite lighthearted things but there’s one thing that’s been getting to me for a while, I’m probably going to phrase this unreasonably or harshly and I’m prepared to get flamed/called out on it. But I feel like my husband can’t do anything. By that I mean without supervision or me having run around and check he’s done it properly after, which he doesn’t take kindly to.

some are minor thing and some not but he just won’t listen. I’ll give you a major for instance, been on holiday and rented a car, putting car seats for kids back in our car, because as per usual I’m watching the kids and cooking (I also have a bad back so it’s hard for me to lift them, bend over and install them) they are isofix (aka easier to install). My fault I didn’t supervise him or check he’d done it properly after. He’s taken both children out in the car since, I got to put kids in car and dc1’s car seat is 6 inches off the bottom of the car seat and dc2 isn’t flush against the back aka they are incorrectly installed, which he refused to believe but it’s f’ing deadly and anyone with eyes could see it was wrong, and no he isn’t visually impaired.

i ask to watch food whilst I feed baby, i come back and it’s burnt black to the bottom of the pan… I say to him I said to watch it, to which he says oh i did, you didn’t say to not let it burn

what’s really got me today, is our online grocery order. I menu plan and he puts the order in, i wrote explicit ingredients and then an acceptable sub… get the order to today and he’s ordered half wrong sodding stuff. I’m honestly at breaking point with it. This is ridiculous right?

So he comes from a community where men don't do housework or childcare? Did you not know this beforehand?

My dh is just like this, only without the six figure salary.
It used to bother me a lot more than it does now, especially when our dc were little. I’m used to it now and have no expectations from him. Like you, if I do want something doing correctly I write explicit instructions and get him to repeat what I’ve asked-just like I do when I’m teaching children with additional needs at school where I work. It’s quite sad actually but it works for now. I hope to leave one day …

but honestly I think men are just more prone to it than women - it’s like we have a third eye that can foresee accidents, spot something out of place in a room etc

Cobblers.

Copy and pasted from yet another thread where a woman picked a failure to reproduce with:

‘Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.

Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.’

the man is openly laughing at you, are you not booking a solicitor appointment for that alone? Grim.

I feel sorry for you, OP.

You’re making light of this when the truth is you’re under the thumb of this man. He’s in total control and you’re simpering away because you’re in a rut.

His behaviour is not normal, and your acceptance of it is bizarre.

To be fair if a man said ‘what’s the point of her’ about a woman who wasn’t great at housework/cooking there would be a few choice replies on here…

If a women was choosing not to contribute to the running of the household because they earned the money then the comments would be well deserved!!

My DH is the same.

he has ADHD. He can focus on and achieve incredible things but unless his brain considers it “rewarding” it gets done wrong or at an unspecified date and time.

doesn’t make it any less frustrating and medication has helped significantly both in his personal and professional life but it is worth considering that that it isn’t always just a case of malicious incompetence.

My husband is exactly the same. If he took over the cooking I would have to pre/empt each thought process - do something like. DH would you look after this whilst I run upstairs, you need to keep it on the heat, but stir every so often. If it looks like burning, reduce the heat on the pan ;like this - and show him) or stir more often.
mid you think it’s done take it off the heat and cover.

he goes to the supermarket - can you pick up some In Innocent apple juice for this kids please? Please buy the larger size and check that the package is in tact and it’s not out of date.

it’s tedious. But, I just don’t think he’s got any common sense. However, my MIL is much worse. We had her on our holiday for 3 nights. Last year, she didn’t bring any toiletries or a coat (we’re in the U.K.), this year, I reminded her to bring both, but she didn’t bring anything apart from jeans (or a hat) and of course, it’s been really hot. So she sat on the beach and complained she’s too hot. She also somehow managed to get her arm stuck in a window on the first floor and didn’t call for help.

To be perfectly fair - DD has inattentive ADHD and is very similar. But, she’s keen to learn. I do not give DH any jobs / except earning money -which fortunately he’s bloody good at,

I wonder how he'd feel if he read this thread. Maybe he would say that OP isn't perfect either. It looks like MN is full of perfect wives who got lumbered with useless hubbies.

I hear you although not with the car seats as my oh is v safety conscious when it comes to the kids so he is fine with anything like that. More to do with day to day running of the house, I would have to give him instructions and then remind him if I want anything doing. I wonder if it's my fault as has time has gone on and after kids etc I found myself taking on more and more and I guess he is happy to sit back and let that happen.

Laughing in your face is him showing his utter contempt for you.

He doesn't give a flying fuck how you feel.

I would leave him, honestly. He sounds unbearable. And laughing in your face when you're in tears... abusive. LTB.

There is near universal agreement that he is acting out a role.It suits him,it has gains
He need to be compelled to change,participate and contribute like an adult parent
I note his father pops round to assist with tasks, are they a family of book smart but fuckwitted incompetents?
@Kanfuzed123 what do you want to happen?How would you like this to resolve?

He thinks the day to day housework/drudgery is beneath him.

It's easier for HIM if YOU do it for him. And he's happy to let you break your back in doing so.

That's the crux of it.

Yes obviously, but he did do these things! We cooked together, we’d do the prep together, mainly him, I’d do the actual cooking but, he’d wash up as we went along, we’d have a taste of the food along the way, decide what it needed and then sit down for a well earned meal, at 8pm, less of an option with kids and we split the cleaning of our flat 50/50.

prior to mat leave I’m not a sahm, I have a full time job, middle managent in a head office of a very well known international company, one i will return to soon enough. But my being home has changed things that’s for sure. It was so long ago we used prior to D.C. 1 that we split things like I mentioned above, i almost forgot it happened. That’s quite sad isn’t it really

You sound a bit like a control freak, why do you "need" to tell what to do? Doesn't he have a brain for himself? You're not his mother, you're his partner. He should be doing stuff without you bossing him round like a toddler, if he can't only use his brain for his high tax earning job then you need to hire a personal assistant. A partner is not a personal assistant.

To be fair if a man said ‘what’s the point of her’ about a woman who wasn’t great at housework/cooking

This has nothing to do about 'not being great'. This is deliberately messing things up and then making it OP's problem.

If one day you decide do throw him out (I hope you do) he will start to do the domestic jobs. But just enough to keep you around.

My XH did exactly that, and I figured out he never thought about my happiness, but he didn't want "the help" to go away. I went away anyway. My life got So. Much. Better. Caring for a house and 2 DC without him to make it harder is bliss. Even when I have a bad day, I know it would be worse with him around.

of course I’m not perfect babe, but I’m sick and tired of being the one who does all the thinking in our relationship (I’m assuming your my husband and you’ve created yourself an MN account)

WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS LOSER

I'm sorry but why

You know you deserve better than this right?

Completely understand OP - he intends to be incompetent. This isn't some sort of "oh poor DH" scenario. He's lazy, he doesn't want to do stuff - so he does it badly or not at all. I don't have a suggestion apart from to say it would drive me crackers!!

So depressing to read that men are still using this fake incompetence against women.

My very first live in boyfriend did this to me 46 years ago. I hoped by now they would have changed :-(

Absolutely. Do the job badly so I won't be asked to do it again.

Sometimes, heterosexuality can be a curse.

Hahaha….

erm this is the point. I don’t want to have to, and I don’t quite follow your logic that it’s control freak behaviour to want my childrens car seats put in properly. Or for instance yesterday the windows closed to the kids rooms in peak heat! He has a brain but can’t seem to engage it. Or to not ask questions about our child’s health when she’s taken to the ER

Someone asked about the food, can’t find the post to reply. It was just the bottom that had burned to the bottom of the pan, the top was salvaged