Does anyone else have a husband like this?

[Kanfuzed123]

I know I usually post quite lighthearted things but there’s one thing that’s been getting to me for a while, I’m probably going to phrase this unreasonably or harshly and I’m prepared to get flamed/called out on it. But I feel like my husband can’t do anything. By that I mean without supervision or me having run around and check he’s done it properly after, which he doesn’t take kindly to.

some are minor thing and some not but he just won’t listen. I’ll give you a major for instance, been on holiday and rented a car, putting car seats for kids back in our car, because as per usual I’m watching the kids and cooking (I also have a bad back so it’s hard for me to lift them, bend over and install them) they are isofix (aka easier to install). My fault I didn’t supervise him or check he’d done it properly after. He’s taken both children out in the car since, I got to put kids in car and dc1’s car seat is 6 inches off the bottom of the car seat and dc2 isn’t flush against the back aka they are incorrectly installed, which he refused to believe but it’s f’ing deadly and anyone with eyes could see it was wrong, and no he isn’t visually impaired.

i ask to watch food whilst I feed baby, i come back and it’s burnt black to the bottom of the pan… I say to him I said to watch it, to which he says oh i did, you didn’t say to not let it burn

what’s really got me today, is our online grocery order. I menu plan and he puts the order in, i wrote explicit ingredients and then an acceptable sub… get the order to today and he’s ordered half wrong sodding stuff. I’m honestly at breaking point with it. This is ridiculous right?

It is a fine line between respect and contempt

Is it? I've always found it to be a yawning chasm.

Truthfully not really.

but what do expect me to do, live on £700 a month, until next month when my pay drops to nothing? And then what, thin air? And yes, I can put in a UC claim that takes 2 months to backdate. Not entitled to housing because I’d be making myself homeless, definitely can’t afford private rent. I know you’re only trying to help but it’s all good In theory but in practice

I would take my relationship over that of many others as there is honesty between us. When I say I get him back, it I will conveniently' forget' something he has asked for so he does not always get away with everything he does. It is a running joke between us and it highlights his slackness.
Everyone in this family laughs about the time he almost burned the house down making a cheese sandwich turning the toaster on it's side. It was not funny when I had to clean up the mess. You can't end a relationship for that but you can deal with him later............... in lots of ways. He is a dickhead yes - but he is my dickhead.

Wow, I have read the thread in its entirety, not much to say that hasn't been said already, sending you support, I completely agree with those who say this will get worse over time, particularly the contempt/attitude towards you with a 4 month old baby needing to get back to work. WTAF.

I also know the complexity involved in leaving - it's very difficult to up and leave with a new baby and younger child. You will know when you are ready.

I have friends who have left these useless bags of cement behind and reported that being a single mum is actually easier. His "help" seems to have the effect of making more work for you.

Good luck. You sound like a delightful and intelligent person.

Why did you have to clean up the mess he made by being a fucking halfwit?

I had a husband like this. He’s now my ex- husband. I kept thinking he’d improve but after four kids I finally called it quits. I still think that having twins (the last two) was far, far easier than dealing with his deliberate incompetence.

That’s so fucking depressing.

Superdrug thanks, I was starting to feel like an alien!

Seriously, who wants to go through life as Mrs Dickhead

Today’s tipping point. Baby is the moaniest moaner to have ever lived, constantly whining (anyone else go through this, can’t be put down for more than 5 mins at 7 months old, and when he’s held he’s biting, scratching or ripping chunks of hair out) so I was like sod it, I know I said no baby containers, but I’m getting that jumperoo out of the garage. Now I don’t usually go into the garage, DH normally manages it and by manages, it will be a case of my boxing up old clothes and asking for them to be put in the garage until I can get the minerals to carboot it and asking DH to stack it in the garage. Well christ On a cracker… he’s just chucked shit in there, he must have genuinely stood at the door and thrown it in and then jammed it closed. It’s things that he’s said he’s taken to the tip or thrown out years ago.

worst yet, I made a charming spinach pesto with dinner tonight, left on the side whilst I tidy up DS who has it In his eyes (of course he does) and turn around to him emptying it down the sink… enter catch phrase ‘you didn’t say’

i believe this is what gweneth Paltrow and that guy from Coldplay said was ‘conscious uncoupling’

He threw your home made pesto down the sink?

I thought he only followed orders to the literal letter, like literally watching dinner while it burned. Now he throws dinner down the sink (and that's going to add to the glorious fatberg) because you didn't tell him not to?

My blood pressure is rocketing just reading about this shit. How has he not been eaten yet?

It was after dinner and we’d already eaten some but there was half a mini food processor amount left aka clearly made extra, but this is the level of stupid… it’s always this kind of thing

That's so disrespectful!

It's not stupidity. It's intentional. And it shows what he thinks of you and what you do.

So give him mixed bean salad for tea. Or fish fingers with custard

Also I'd start doing it back. If he asks for anything do it wrong. Completely passive aggressive but anytime he picks you up on it, simply say 'car seat, or burnt baked beans'

Then maybe sit him down and have an adult conversation with him.

The only difference there was they went on and broke up, hopefully you can do the same sooner rather than later.

Oh that is what I meant, I want to speak to a counsellor but I think I’d like to get couples counselling now with the goal of separation as you can gather he can be obstinate and juvenile, I’m hoping counselling and a conscious uncoupling with help rather than a dropping the hammer approach

If he won't go, go alone.

Oh god, honestly @Kanfuzed123 this is like some kind of crazy carbon copy of my ex-DP. Your garage sounds like his home office. I wrote a thread on here all about how completely impenetrable the mess was. I longed for some respite from the material and mental chaos of our life together.

We tried couples counselling. I thought it would be a good way to part ways amicably but also held out some hope the opposite would happen and we'd get to the bottom of all the idiocy and find a way to want to stay together after all, but it was a dismal failure. He couldn't be honest about anything, not even with himself. I couldn't believe the nonsense that fell from his lips. Eventually, I called time, both on the counselling and the relationship. imo, having your own counselling will help you cope better with a man who is systematically engaged in undermining you and your relationship together - both with understanding and coping with what's going on on a day-to-day basis, but also with feeling better about yourself given the barrage of hostility you will come to understand his behaviour as being. If you feel you must do couples counselling, I really advise you to set a high bar for what you'll put up with, otherwise it runs the risk of becoming another stick to beat you with.

I'm going to say something unpopular, but has it occurred to you that the baby is moaning and uneasy because they FEEL you're always tense and on your toes?

Because that's what your H is doing. If he throws homemade pesto away when you look away, or burns food on purpose, then you have to be always alert - anticipating his shit and, as a consequence, always angry on some level.

I used to live like that. There was always an undercurrent of stress, anxiety and anger. I was in my toes, always expecting him to do something annoying or nasty.

DS1 had huge problems to sleep, was always tense. DS2 was very aggressive, terrible tantrums.

Then I left with the DC. Almost three years later, you wouldn't recognise us. There no tension in the air. DS1 sleeps. Ds2 is SO much calmer. It took its a long time to learn to relax, but the difference is remarkable.

I know divorcing is not easy. Take your time to make a plan. But consider how living in a calm, safe home will be better for the DC. As people say in MN, they don't have a choice, so they need you to make this choice for them.

Parent-child dynamic.

Good way to express it.

What would they do if you died genuine question would they start to be a human and step up

Or give the kids up for adoption or get mum in to be nanny/childminder for life whilst they do their important job whilst having mum skivvy for them too.

Been there had the breakdown. It's exhausting.

Luckily my DH tuned a corner, understood and totally changed as a result. He's sounds identical to your DH.

But I've had to let go of my anger about the fact I spent 13+ years doing everything while earning more and all that time he could do everything, just didn't and watched me crumble.

But I've had to let go of my anger about the fact I spent 13+ years doing everything while earning more and all that time he could do everything, just didn't and watched me crumble.

this is exactly my problem too and I am not sure I’m able to. Why are so many men like this?

@nonstoprenovation that's so good to read -that your husband changed I mean ,not the breakdown .

This is such a sad thread to read ,it must be heartbreaking for the OP to see a relationship where both parties had to fight family disapproval crumble .And to go from cooking together to him completely checking out and becoming abusive .
My partner is beyond infuriating in his domestic habits and lack of care and common sense .I have grown to interpret his lack of motivation to change as selfishness and we have a sterile relationship where I have housekeeping duties but an easy enough life .He is not abusive ,doesn't say awful things to me and in that respect differs from the OP's partner .
In other respects ,the idiocy ,the blankness,is identical.I am beginning to think that there is a neurological issue .But the complete unwillingness to change and absence of compensatory characteristics is not attractive .
And neither am I for not being honest and leaving .