Partner has just walked out on me and 15 month old

[stressedhadenough]

He's been in a foul mood the entire morning. He's supposed to be looking after our DC (today is his day to do that, we have one day each per week to stay home with her and she's at childcare the other 3 days). Just so happens I'm off work sick today, though, so all 3 of us home together. He's been like a bear with a sore head following a disagreement about whether or not to put the pool up in the garden. That's it. Nothing even important or major. We just had a different opinion on it. He was a moody arse, walked away from me as I was talking to him, so I asked him what the hell was wrong, why is he being like this. Nothing's wrong he says. Right.

He says he's going to do the food shop. Says he will take DD. Right, great. He starts loading stuff into the car including her changing bag. DD then poos. I say "please can you just hold off putting the changing bag in the car, she's pooed, I'll change her before you go". He shouts back as he's walking away with the bag "just use the wipes on the kitchen table". I reply "I might also need the lotion, though - can I please just have the bag?" He grumpily brings it back, sighing. Then goes off outside in the garden.

There are no cotton pads in the bag - I realise they are upstairs, and DD is trying to pull off her nappy (new habit she's got into). I shout his name. No reply. I shout again. He shouts back "what?" in a shitty tone. I say please could you help me a second (don't want to leave DD to pull her dirty nappy off). He comes in, I ask could he please run upstairs for cotton pads. He sighs/huffs again, goes upstairs. Comes back down and then comes really close to me and goes "stop speaking to me like shit"; then walks away.

I said "me?? Are you joking? You've done nothing but speak to me like shit all morning!"
I then point out he's been like a bear with a sore head since the pool disagreement, walking away from me mid conversation, quiet and moody, huffing about the place, trying to put the changing bag in the car when I needed it (pointless, why would you do that?), and then being abrupt when I shouted his name asking for help when changing her.

He then went "right, I'm off, you can do the shopping yourself".

And off he sped in his car. I'm home not feeling well, looking after our toddler on my own, ok what is supposed to be his day to look after her. And now I am also responsible for the food shop which he has decided he's not doing.

Tried calling a few times to ask him when he's coming home, he answered one call and said "I'm not speaking to you, you're out of order, I'm not coming home", then hung up immediately. I tried calling back, numerous times over the past hour or so, he's ignoring my calls.

I text him saying "do you really think it's appropriate to just walk out on me and DD like that, leaving me to do everything today including the shopping when I'm not well?"

He replied "I haven't walked out on her, I've walked out on you. Don't use her". erm,., you've literally just walked out and left her here??

And that's that. So what the fuck do I do? Is he an arsehole or is he being reasonable here??

I haven't RTFT but my suggestion would be to do exactly the same as he's done when he returns - fuck off and leave him with the kids for a while. Then when he complains about how annoying it is, point out that it's what he does to you every time you disagree.

I don't agree with his reaction but when is the man ever right?

He suggests putting up the pool.....he's wrong
He decides goes to put a bag in the car...she's wrong
He leaves to go cool off....he's bombared with messages & dramatic ones at that.

Where is the middle ground? If the pool doesn't matter, let him have it. So what. Would the baby have survived without lotion? Could you have waited before texting so dramatically so quickly?

He's reaction is way off but he seems like a guy who is trying, trying with the pool, helping with the shopping, etc.

I may be way off but I can totally see it from his POV....you seem to know best on everything

It sounds a little like you're annoying him by micromanaging him when he's trying to go about stuff. If he has her and she poops leave it to him, no need for you to takeover.

Maybe couples counseling so you can hear each other's feelings in a safe environment?

Great thanks guys.

I've literally got no one else to talk to so I turned to other mums for support online. Thought they might support me. Clearly I was wrong. Will go back to crying by myself and wondering how to set up a life alone with DD. 👍🏻

So you had a row and he walked off, and was gone less than 2 hours? I'm not saying what he did was right, but from the title of this I thought you meant he'd just left you and ended things.

I think it sounds like you were both a bit annoyed - I know when I'm not well I can get easily irritated.
A chat about how it's not acceptable to just bugger off is on the cards, and set some boundaries on what is not acceptable - especially on his day to be looking after your DD and when you're not well.

I'd suggest he needs to take a deep look at himself and figure out why he reacts like this - but obviously you can't make him do this. Can you sit him down when both are cooled off and try and let him know how this is making you feel?

Reason I say this is because I was like him - I couldn't cope with confrontation and actually discussing feelings so I used to leave the situation and block myself off. Ruined many a relationship until I met my now DH and he sat me down and pointed out my behaviours and made me face up to it. Went to therapy and it helped massively, as did being more aware of how I was feeling and how to deal with it. Now I don't do it any more, so it is possible to change, if he's willing. I would also have answered "I don't know" when asked why I walked off so thinking this probably is what's happening with your DP. He doesn't know how to deal with conflict in a healthy manner.

Not nice regardless of the reason anyway so hope it all gets sorted out, whether it's him changing or you leaving. Good luck OP

@squishymamma

I have tried many times to sit him down and talk to him, he says nothing. He shuts down. I get "I don't know" or complete silence in response to every question. I honestly can't keep trying with him and I can't be with someone who is going to walk out whenever they fancy leaving me to pick up everything at home. A pp said that DD will notice it soon. I don't want to have to answer "where's daddy gone? When's he coming back?" type questions in a year or so when she's old enough to ask me. I want out now.

Yes he was gone just under 2 hours BUT the time before he was gone for 4 hours. It's random, unpredictable and totally selfish, because it leaves me in the shit sometimes, like it did today with not being well and being told "do the shopping yourself" (as well as look after our child because by default that's also my job when he fucks off). I never know when he's going to do it, I never know when he'll be back.

My daughter is exact same age! And sometimes things get tense like that with my husband and I! For example last night I flipped out because I was getting her ready for bath and bed and when I came in the bedroom he was asleep 🙈 I asked could he get her nursery bag ready for today and change the cot sheet like I’d asked (poo explosion earlier) then we were bickering at each other all evening !

it happens !

I think maybe it’s a good thing her drove off if he’s angry let him cool off a bit!

I’d say stop calling and texting it’s gonna annoy him further

I don’t think this is that big of a deal just sounds like things are tense and I know how hard it is sometimes with juggling work and childcare etc

im sure it will be fine x

It's hard looking after a child. Can you stay out of each other's way for a bit. Let him sleep and then talk to him. You get some rest too. Give dd to him and you go to bed. Do something. But have time out from each other when things are so heated. He sounds like something is going on with him either at home or outside. The heat doesn't help either does it.

See what you call micromanaging I saw as trying to help him. I could have shouted him back in the room and gone "by the way she's pooed so you'll have to change her before you go shopping", but instead it felt like a more helpful thing to just do it myself and try to help him.

Then he's not ready. I agree it's not on when you have DC, i went through it all years ago before we had DC and like I said I was willing to go through the process. Just wanted to throw out a potential reason why he's acting like this, which is no excuse - he should be ashamed, I know I was.

If you've 100% had enough and don't want to try and salvage I'd start planning your exit, especially if he won't listen to you. And many PP are supporting you (as do I) - it's bloody terrifying thinking about being a single parent but we're all here to support and I know there's many single parents here who will be able to help too

No more "micromanaging" from me.

I've given her tea and handed her over to him. He's now got to bath her and get her sorted for bed, as well as do the shopping later that he didn't do this afternoon because he was off sulking. Not my problem. I'm off for a lie down to rest so I can get well for work tomorrow.

@squishymamma
Thank you x

I dont really understand the need for such drama. You didnt need the changing bag. I dont believe that her only changing stuff was in the bag. Surely you have a changing table or mat in the house with her changing things. The changing bag is for when you're on the move. You also didnt need cotton pads. You had wipes and could have just got her changed without calling him back in when he clearly wanted some space, rightly or wrongly.

I'm not saying he is right. He has behaved very badly. But we aren't in your house. We dont see how you speak to one another. We didnt see how you spoke to him about the pool. However it all went down, he clearly needed a break from you today and that really is allowed. But you were home and involving yourself in his day and giving him instructions.

When someone is in a prissy mood, whether our not they are justified, you're never going to end well if you dont leave them alone for a bit.

You don't seem to realise that you are both at fault here and that if either of the two of you could learn to be less stubborn there may be a way forward.

Someone has to be the bigger person or it'll just go to shit and you'll seperate.

Would you ever consider the possibility that you might be mircomanaging and dramatic?

Would he ever consider the possibility that he takes everything personally and is also dramatic in terms of storming out etc?

Ask him if he thinks you are mircomanaging & dramatic. Apologise for your part in it. Ask him of he would consider the fact that if he is irritated he needs to explain why rather than walk out. At the moment, you are both just blaming each other and going around in circles.

From the little snap shot of your family life you have provided I think he behaves like this as a form of controlling behaviour, he has a tantrum and punishes you by leaving everything to you and then blames you for it.

If you don't challenge this and call it out you will simply reinforce it. You need to decide if you want to live like this forever with his tantrums escalating - if not then...

You need to sit with him and calmly lay it out his behaviour and the impact on you and that it is a breaking point and will not be tolerated. Discuss why he acted like that and other way to common

See what you call micromanaging I saw as trying to help him. I could have shouted him back in the room and gone "by the way she's pooed so you'll have to change her before you go shopping", but instead it felt like a more helpful thing to just do it myself and try to help him

I mean his sulking doesn’t sound great, but you definitely sound a bit difficult too. You say you were helping him, but you didn’t “just do it myself” either did you, because first he had to come back with the bag after you called him to and then you called him back a second time to fetch things from upstairs. Why didn’t you just take DD upstairs and change her there if you wanted to be helpful? Surely you have spares of everything you need, they weren’t all in the changing bag?

Well done.

From what you've said, this is fairly normal for him. He's a bad communicator, immature, and thinks it's OK to drive off for hours when he's meant to be looking after his child.

And to the pp who said he 'helps' with the shopping.. no he doesn't. He does the shopping for his own household. It's not 'helping' anyone.

I can't ask him anything. I've tried. I'm getting him staring blankly into space and saying "I don't know". Thought id already explained that. He is not open to any form of constructive communication. So what can I do?

I'm sorry you feel like you haven't had support.

For what it's worth, I think this situation sounds very stressful and not sustainable, and I get why you're upset. It sounds like you're in a place where effective communication is breaking down and any arguments you do have aren't being resolved or making any constructive changes.

First off: I'd give him and the situation a break for now. Not because I think you're in the wrong or I think you should give him the silent treatment; I just don't think it's going to achieve anything today. In the same position I'd probably just quietly get on with my evening, whether that be having a rest because you feel unwell, seeing to DD, or getting yourself a takeaway, as a PP suggested. If he asks why you're quiet, just calmly explain that you've said already that you don't feel well, and that there's no food in the house so you just want to have something you fancy and go to bed. Don't be drawn into an argument; if he tries to have a go just look at him and then maybe leave the room. If he seems in an ok mood I'd probably ask him kindly to look after DD while you have a rest and sort yourself out some food, because you don't feel well. Don't make it about him at all, just say how you're feeling. If he tries the 'what about food for me?' You could look blank and say you assumed he'd sorted himself out while he was out, or say sure, what do you fancy ordering? And then don't get drawn beyond that.

Next, I'd sit and have a think about how you're going to talk to him about this. Do you have a time over the next few days when you can sit and chat face to face? You need to explain to him how he's made you feel - and I don't mean 'you always do this' or 'you did that', but 'this is how I felt'. Eg: the other day I felt really hurt by you. You knew I felt ill, but you still left me to look after the baby and didn't get the food in like your promised, and that made me feel really abandoned and hurt. I know we'd had a disagreement in the morning, but that's all it was - a disagreement, it wasn't the end of the world and I don't think I deserved that treatment. Me wanting to change DD's nappy wasn't me trying to be unhelpful either, so I don't understand why you got so cross with me. Can you explain it from your perspective?

I think ultimately you need to decide whether he has any capacity to think about his actions and words, if this is what he's always like, and whether as a couple you can get yourself into a better place, and whether it's working. The above might sound all very wishy washy but I'm in a LTR with a man who has had a mood disorder for the best part of a decade, and sitting and talking honestly with him about how his moods make me feel, and couples therapy (and individual therapy for him) has saved us. We're not perfect but I've learnt to step back from arguments sometimes and also just to be honest with him when he's treating me in a way I don't like. I should stress that this is not putting up with abusive behaviour - he is not abusive - but it is working out how much I'm putting into the argument myself, and our relationship isn't definitely worth it. If he's got any insight it might be worth saving, but if not, then I think you'll have to eventually explain to him that he doesn't make you unhappy - actively the opposite - and that you've worked out that you and DD deserve more than a really moody man who can't be disagreed with about little things, can't see when you're trying to help him out, and allows his tantrums to get in the way of family life.

And by the way, he isn't a good father if he lets this affect his daughter.

Sorry that this is so long, but I read this and it really resonated with me. It's how my relationship could have been if I hadn't put my foot down years ago.

Oh dear God. With the greatest of respect, this is a very dramatic response.
Yes it was a bit childish of him to behave like he did, but maybe better for him to disappear for a couple of hours than blow up?! I don't know if he is an arsehole or not but we've only got your side of the story as to how you both got to this situation. I think you both need to calm the fuck down, and possibly give each other a wide berth for the rest of the evening. THEN maybe talk tomorrow when you're both in a better frame of mind. We're all only human after all, and don't always behave perfectly!

I could have taken her upstairs yes. By this point I'd already begun changing and cleaning her. She was half clean, so I didn't want to put the dirty nappy back on her to carry her upstairs, nor did I want to put a clean one on a partly dirty bum. So I made a decision to ask him for some help. This is usual practice for us both, if we are both around we will call on each other for a second pair of hands to make our lives that but easier. He does this all the time with me, too, when he could technically sort it himself but it makes more sense and is easier for the other person to lend a brief hand.

Yes we do usually have spares lying around but not today because we need to do some shopping. Hence why he was going shopping this afternoon. Which still hasn't been done.

Or from the other side, he cant do anything without being told he is wrong because she knows better and she interferes in the things he is trying to get done.

You really cant take his incident and call him abusive when all we know is she told him he couldn't put the pool up for their kid, she then stayed home sick on his day when he clearly needed a break from her, and she spent the day interfering in what he was doing.

Is he abusive or is she controlling? Or has this just been a horrible day with tensions high and poor communication? We dont know how OP treats him normally or on the other occasions he has walked out of the house. Maybe she has form for miceomanaging his every move and he has had enough or maybe he is rubbish at family stuff and OP gets stuck doing it then he storms out. We dont know.

Couples counselling sounds like a plan.

Really......
You expected every other mum on MN to side with you and agree then end with a snotty post when they don't....🙄