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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has just walked out on me and 15 month old

305 replies

stressedhadenough · 20/07/2022 15:20

He's been in a foul mood the entire morning. He's supposed to be looking after our DC (today is his day to do that, we have one day each per week to stay home with her and she's at childcare the other 3 days). Just so happens I'm off work sick today, though, so all 3 of us home together. He's been like a bear with a sore head following a disagreement about whether or not to put the pool up in the garden. That's it. Nothing even important or major. We just had a different opinion on it. He was a moody arse, walked away from me as I was talking to him, so I asked him what the hell was wrong, why is he being like this. Nothing's wrong he says. Right.

He says he's going to do the food shop. Says he will take DD. Right, great. He starts loading stuff into the car including her changing bag. DD then poos. I say "please can you just hold off putting the changing bag in the car, she's pooed, I'll change her before you go". He shouts back as he's walking away with the bag "just use the wipes on the kitchen table". I reply "I might also need the lotion, though - can I please just have the bag?" He grumpily brings it back, sighing. Then goes off outside in the garden.

There are no cotton pads in the bag - I realise they are upstairs, and DD is trying to pull off her nappy (new habit she's got into). I shout his name. No reply. I shout again. He shouts back "what?" in a shitty tone. I say please could you help me a second (don't want to leave DD to pull her dirty nappy off). He comes in, I ask could he please run upstairs for cotton pads. He sighs/huffs again, goes upstairs. Comes back down and then comes really close to me and goes "stop speaking to me like shit"; then walks away.

I said "me?? Are you joking? You've done nothing but speak to me like shit all morning!"
I then point out he's been like a bear with a sore head since the pool disagreement, walking away from me mid conversation, quiet and moody, huffing about the place, trying to put the changing bag in the car when I needed it (pointless, why would you do that?), and then being abrupt when I shouted his name asking for help when changing her.

He then went "right, I'm off, you can do the shopping yourself".

And off he sped in his car. I'm home not feeling well, looking after our toddler on my own, ok what is supposed to be his day to look after her. And now I am also responsible for the food shop which he has decided he's not doing.

Tried calling a few times to ask him when he's coming home, he answered one call and said "I'm not speaking to you, you're out of order, I'm not coming home", then hung up immediately. I tried calling back, numerous times over the past hour or so, he's ignoring my calls.

I text him saying "do you really think it's appropriate to just walk out on me and DD like that, leaving me to do everything today including the shopping when I'm not well?"

He replied "I haven't walked out on her, I've walked out on you. Don't use her". Confused erm,., you've literally just walked out and left her here??

And that's that. So what the fuck do I do? Is he an arsehole or is he being reasonable here??

OP posts:
stressedhadenough · 21/07/2022 08:47

Thanks everyone. As predicted he is just acting normally this morning, as if there's no issue. Yet another unacceptable things he's done just swept under the carpet. Do I give him another chance? Or cut my losses now? That's what I need to decide. Might take some time.

OP posts:
Meraas · 21/07/2022 08:47

vroom321 · 21/07/2022 08:25

I don't think you finished your thread title.

It’s plenty finished.

stressedhadenough · 21/07/2022 08:47

vroom321 · 21/07/2022 08:25

I don't think you finished your thread title.

What?

OP posts:
Meraas · 21/07/2022 08:52

@stressedhadenough ignore them, they think they’re being clever.

In your shoes, I would cut my losses. You will feel tremendous relief when this knobhead is not punishing you anymore.

billy1966 · 21/07/2022 09:03

Meraas · 21/07/2022 08:52

@stressedhadenough ignore them, they think they’re being clever.

In your shoes, I would cut my losses. You will feel tremendous relief when this knobhead is not punishing you anymore.

Agree.

It may take time, but organising yourself is wise.

This is who he is.

You deserve better, as does your child.

He is abusive and your child will see this.

Start planning.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 21/07/2022 09:16

Just his way of getting out of his responsibility and family life. His day? Throw a wobbly, cause an issue and walk out! Easy. Now he has no childcare or food shop to do. The man is a prick and very transparent.

roastinghot · 21/07/2022 09:26

Just to say I grew up with a father who stonewalled my mother every time she said something even vaguely critical to him and it was hell. Just hell. I still have massive issues dealing with conflict because of it. Please don't let other posters underplay what he's doing because it's not OK. It's not how mature and healthy adults deal with problems.

whynotwhatknot · 21/07/2022 10:48

well its not the first time is it and youve tried talking to him we cant tell you what to do but i dont think he will change

Fupoffyagrasshole · 21/07/2022 10:51

ok so instead of venting on here about how you want to leave - maybe start making a plans. Realistically will be leave if you separate? House is rented so I guess at end of lease you can not renew and then both find somewhere to live. Can you both afford to rent a home each??

how will you feel potentially only having your daughter 50% of the time?

Crumpleton · 21/07/2022 11:40

As a side thought who's name is on the rental lease?
I ask because a friends son split with his partner and she never paid the rent, local authority property, and eventually moved out owing a few thousand pounds. As he never removed his name from the lease he was held responsible and had to pay it all back.

You obviously have doubts about leaving him as you ask if you should give him another chance, how many "another's" have you given him?
Could one of you move out and have a trial separation?
You could waste so much of your life tooing and throwing. You're still young and by the sound of it work hard in your job with those hours.
Where does baby go while you both work...could you manage on one wage until finances are sorted?

Crumpleton · 21/07/2022 11:48

Oops...
Re hours I thought it was 7.30am till 9pm..
But it's 7.30pm-9pm?

Maybe managing on that wage would be incredibly tough. But there are ways to help you if you feel it's best you move on.

FurAndFeathers · 21/07/2022 13:02

stressedhadenough · 20/07/2022 22:26

Do I "interfere" with the parenting of my own child? How ridiculous. We are a team (well not today clearly, but mostly we are). We pull together. It's not interfering. It's parenting and communication. It's normal in relationships.

And do you think he feels the same way? Or do you think he feels micromanaged and undermined because he’s not doing things how you want?

if you’re unwell enough to be off work I don’t understand why you aren’t resting and letting him get on with it?

bloomety · 21/07/2022 13:36

I asked about his relationship with his mother as my DH is super sensitive to any criticism as his mother was overly critical with him and his siblings. My DH cannot engage with me about his feelings. He has to have a couple of drinks to fully relax otherwise he’s defensive and can’t listen. He’d rather just move on and not resolve anything. I can’t live like that though.

barbrahunter · 21/07/2022 13:47

I don't understand why some people on here are being so critical of OP, I can only imagine that they think that no-one would ever storm out unless under severe provocation. Let me tell you, that simply isn't true, there's a certain personality type that does this and I was married to that type for a while.
I hesitate to use the term 'narcissist' because it seems to get bandied around these days, but some others on here have suggested it and I agree.
My ex, and I suspect Op's H cannot take anything that seems to imply the remotest kind of criticism. In my case, I honestly wasn't trying to criticise but he still went into a rage that came from nowhere at some imagined provocation.

Op, have you witnessed your H do this with other people too? Mine used to do it to all and sundry and then wonder why no one liked him.

leatherboundbooks · 21/07/2022 14:23

@barbrahunter ex husband was incredibly hypersensitive to any perceived however remote criticism, from anyone, I often heard about supposed slights that I struggled to see the problem with, which included people reacting and commenting or providing natural consequences for his unacceptable behaviour, not oh dear sorry I did that, said that, whatever, I can see their point, how embarrassing, wish I'd not said or done that, but how could they treat me like that, my behaviour is irrelevant, they are just wrong daring to tell me I' wrong, to criticise me, it's me who's the victim here.....even if it was something he did that had someone else done similar to him would provoke paroxysms of rage and never hearing the end of it for ears, and holding it against them for even longer.
Something he did once say was that it was me that was wrong getting upset when he did that and wanting to discuss what had happened and how to prevent it happening again, because when h was a child he would storm out when he got angry and when he came back his parents would make a fuss of him and be especially nice to him, not talk to him about how to deal with anger etc, and to me that just sounded like he got rewarded for doing that, and couldn't understand why I didn't reward him, so very unfair of me, why couldn't I just brush it under the carpet, it was in the past. Completely devoid of any understanding of how his behaviour affected other people
Jolly handy for times when he didn't want to do something too, just pick something to be cross about and go out and do what you want instead

barbrahunter · 21/07/2022 14:39

God it's exhausting isn't it @leatherboundbooks and while in other ways ex was intelligent, sensitive and fun, it killed anything I once felt for him. I never knew when he was going to fly into uncontrollable rage over nothing, nothing.

leatherboundbooks · 21/07/2022 15:53

Der me, @leatherboundbooks for sure it's something I don't need to worry about any more, am sure that you appreciate the peace too. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I now realise that there were benefits to him doing that, avoiding things he didn't want to do having time to do things he wanted to do but didn't want me to know about, etc etc. Another thing I worked out too late was that there was a certain amount of him assuming I was telepathic, somehow knowing that this date was the date a family member had died on, before I met him, or a certain place something significant had happened which again I knew nothing about [but found out sometime later], so justified in going off,and why was I so unsympathetic.

kateandme · 21/07/2022 16:12

Op.I no the fear and logistics of leaving are all to real.too scary. But so is this. It’s sounds so tiring. It’s making you on edge all the time.waiting for him to do this again,not being able to resolve anything,then leaving you with that un resolved anger and sadness and upset.you need to be able to talk through both sides. You need to be able to work together. And have upsets but not think it will end with you being left!
but you just sound done,and I can totally see why.living like this you just get more and more wound down.
can you live like this?should you?are you happy? Do you really think even with the two issues you raised,that you wouldn’t be happier apart?because also the reasons you gave didn’t mention any feeling of love or even affection towards him! That’s not good for you. Or you dd.she needs you to be happy.she needs to grow up in an atmosphere where she can learn how to be herself.not this setting.
you deserve to be single and at peace or to be loved and at peace. This isn’t it.
why are you waiting to give him a chance?has he ever showed a change?this is who he is.

RealityTV · 21/07/2022 17:09

Your husband is having an affair! He was upset because you were home, when you normally are not, and he couldn't see his affair partner. It has likely been going on for some time and he took the cowards way out rather than be honest with you. You need to prepare yourself for divorce. The writing is on the wall. He acted like he did that morning to throw you off so he could have some free time to get out of the house and meet with his affair partner, since he didn't anticipate you being home. That's why he didn't answer your calls. Prepare yourself for the inevitable.

stressedhadenough · 21/07/2022 17:12

@RealityTV

This crossed my mind but he was supposed to be caring for our toddler yesterday. I really doubt he would meet someone else with our small child with him.

OP posts:
stressedhadenough · 21/07/2022 17:14

Crumpleton · 21/07/2022 11:48

Oops...
Re hours I thought it was 7.30am till 9pm..
But it's 7.30pm-9pm?

Maybe managing on that wage would be incredibly tough. But there are ways to help you if you feel it's best you move on.

No you were right first time, 7.30am-9pm.

I earn quite good money, well above average. I'd be able to make things work on my own. It would just be a case of adjusting my spending and obviously downsizing.

OP posts:
stressedhadenough · 21/07/2022 17:15

@Crumpleton

Both of our names are on the tenancy, it's joint.

OP posts:
stressedhadenough · 21/07/2022 17:16

I've actually had a bereavement in the family today, too. Not a great couple of days. 😥

OP posts:
BoopTheFoof · 21/07/2022 17:22

stressedhadenough · 20/07/2022 18:17

I can't ask him anything. I've tried. I'm getting him staring blankly into space and saying "I don't know". Thought id already explained that. He is not open to any form of constructive communication. So what can I do?

He sounds depressed or he doesn't want to hear it. Please make the decision for him and leave him. You never know, it may be the kick he needs to see what he really wants

Good luck babe

BIWI · 21/07/2022 18:02

Very sorry to hear about your bereavement Flowers