Partner has just walked out on me and 15 month old

[stressedhadenough]

He's been in a foul mood the entire morning. He's supposed to be looking after our DC (today is his day to do that, we have one day each per week to stay home with her and she's at childcare the other 3 days). Just so happens I'm off work sick today, though, so all 3 of us home together. He's been like a bear with a sore head following a disagreement about whether or not to put the pool up in the garden. That's it. Nothing even important or major. We just had a different opinion on it. He was a moody arse, walked away from me as I was talking to him, so I asked him what the hell was wrong, why is he being like this. Nothing's wrong he says. Right.

He says he's going to do the food shop. Says he will take DD. Right, great. He starts loading stuff into the car including her changing bag. DD then poos. I say "please can you just hold off putting the changing bag in the car, she's pooed, I'll change her before you go". He shouts back as he's walking away with the bag "just use the wipes on the kitchen table". I reply "I might also need the lotion, though - can I please just have the bag?" He grumpily brings it back, sighing. Then goes off outside in the garden.

There are no cotton pads in the bag - I realise they are upstairs, and DD is trying to pull off her nappy (new habit she's got into). I shout his name. No reply. I shout again. He shouts back "what?" in a shitty tone. I say please could you help me a second (don't want to leave DD to pull her dirty nappy off). He comes in, I ask could he please run upstairs for cotton pads. He sighs/huffs again, goes upstairs. Comes back down and then comes really close to me and goes "stop speaking to me like shit"; then walks away.

I said "me?? Are you joking? You've done nothing but speak to me like shit all morning!"
I then point out he's been like a bear with a sore head since the pool disagreement, walking away from me mid conversation, quiet and moody, huffing about the place, trying to put the changing bag in the car when I needed it (pointless, why would you do that?), and then being abrupt when I shouted his name asking for help when changing her.

He then went "right, I'm off, you can do the shopping yourself".

And off he sped in his car. I'm home not feeling well, looking after our toddler on my own, ok what is supposed to be his day to look after her. And now I am also responsible for the food shop which he has decided he's not doing.

Tried calling a few times to ask him when he's coming home, he answered one call and said "I'm not speaking to you, you're out of order, I'm not coming home", then hung up immediately. I tried calling back, numerous times over the past hour or so, he's ignoring my calls.

I text him saying "do you really think it's appropriate to just walk out on me and DD like that, leaving me to do everything today including the shopping when I'm not well?"

He replied "I haven't walked out on her, I've walked out on you. Don't use her". erm,., you've literally just walked out and left her here??

And that's that. So what the fuck do I do? Is he an arsehole or is he being reasonable here??

[OldFan]

Sounds like he's repeatedly a wanker @stressedhadenough . Maybe let him know he needs to up his game or he's out the door? He's not treating you right.

What else has been going on that's made you think there might be something else happening? It certainly could be suggested by his attitude towards you (or at least it could suggest he'd be open to seeing someone else, because he's not treating you like he appreciates you.)

[MeenzAmRhoi]

@ThirtyThreeTrees

You don't seem to realise that you are both at fault here and that if either of the two of you could learn to be less stubborn there may be a way forward.

Someone has to be the bigger person or it'll just go to shit and you'll seperate.

Would you ever consider the possibility that you might be mircomanaging and dramatic?

Would he ever consider the possibility that he takes everything personally and is also dramatic in terms of storming out etc?

Ask him if he thinks you are mircomanaging & dramatic. Apologise for your part in it. Ask him of he would consider the fact that if he is irritated he needs to explain why rather than walk out. At the moment, you are both just blaming each other and going around in circles.

Agree with this completely.

[Luidaeg]

Just thinking might not be the best time to put the pool up right now?" Bearing in mind this is a 12 FOOT pool that takes over half a day to fill and a lot of emptying. What's the point in all the effort if we can't use it tomorrow?

were you planning to fill and empty on same day?
(Not the point of your thread of course, just wondering)

[BlindGirlMcSqueaky]

Don't worry, OP. There's a world of difference between someone taking some time out to cool down (absolutely fine) and shutting down every single topic of conversation by storming off.

I've dealt with the latter myself. It's absolutely horrendous. Very easy to say you should never criticise him or put anything extra on his plate. That's exactly the intention of his behaviour.

[WeAreBob]

You're giving your version. One person's version is never the full story.

People dont tend to just walk away from their partner when they're just having a chat. His behaviour, what you've said and also your responses to people on here are pairing a picture which show that you do like things your way and you dont think you can be in the wrong and when peoppe don't agree with you, you're a bit nasty.

If that is at all true then him walking away when you started telling him not to use the pool makes sense. You've maybe done it too much. Micro managing, interfering, wanting things your way. Maybe he is just done listening to you when you start up at it. He needed a break. Today, you could have taken the hint and stayed out of the way. You're sick. Stay in bed. Instead, you interfered and you've kept on at home since he got home. Give the guy a break.

You're not always right. There are 2 sides. You've been very short with people on there and very dramatic when not getting your way. Perhaps take a look at yourself and at the tone you use when you speak to him.

Again, not saying he is right. He can also be out of order but I dont think he is the only one.

[Bluetrews25]

You've clearly had a tricky day.
As an observer, reading what you've said, it does appear that you have said (in essence) no, don't do the pool (he will have ignored the leave it until tomorrow bit), bring me this, bring me that.....and then made several calls or messages when he had tried to escape what he might have seen as your 'demands'.
There is micromanaging on your part in there.
There is also stroppy teen behaviour on his part.
Sounds as if you are having a parent:child interaction style here. Can you make adult:adult your goal instead? Stop being his parent and he will stop being your child. (That's the theory, see 'transactional analysis')

Many years ago I read men are from mars, women are from venus, or whatever it is called. One thing I took from the book was that men are attached to you on elastic. When they run away, let them go. They will reach the end of the elastic, and return. If you run after them (ie send multiple messages) then they will run further away. This can probably apply to women as well as men, to be fair.
When someone says (or indicates with their behaviour) that they need a bit of space, try to leave them alone. No calls, no messages. Unless the house is on fire.

I hope you are able to move on from this.

[stressedhadenough]

His behaviour, what you've said and also your responses to people on here are pairing a picture which show that you do like things your way and you dont think you can be in the wrong and when peoppe don't agree with you, you're a bit nasty.

Sorry, where have I been nasty?

[stressedhadenough]

@Luidaeg

Just thinking might not be the best time to put the pool up right now?" Bearing in mind this is a 12 FOOT pool that takes over half a day to fill and a lot of emptying. What's the point in all the effort if we can't use it tomorrow?

were you planning to fill and empty on same day?
(Not the point of your thread of course, just wondering)

I have no idea what he was planning on doing, he didn't discuss it with me.

[queenie2016]

You say in your post you didn't want to go upstairs because she would pull her nappy off and then later that you couldn't go upstairs because her nappy was off and you'd have to put the dirty nappy back on ? Honestly op your not his mother don't micromanage him and the whole thing with the pool does it really matter ? If he wanted to do it let him, from your posts you seem extremely defensive when anyone on this post has gone against you , no wonder he stormed out. You both need to learn to communicate. You don't seem to want to take any responsibility for anything you have done your just defend defend defend it won't help the situation if you can't see your flaws as well as his we all have them stop trying to always be right and figure out a way to resolve this or else it'll end in more arguments, if he doesn't want to talk just leave him alone if he wants to talk about it I'm sure he will at some point, have some space from each other and don't just brush it under the rug.

[OldFan]

You're giving your version. One person's version is never the full story.

Sometimes one version is right. He might have a different way of excusing what he did, but that could be completely wrong.

@stressedhadenough I don't think you did anything wrong, he's being a dickhead.

[stressedhadenough]

@Bluetrews25

I get what you are saying. I've also read that book before and the thing about the elastic.

But... it doesn't make it right, surely? I take my responsibility as a parent seriously, I would never walk away from my child when I'm supposed to be looking after her. Why should it be OK for him to do that, just because he's male?

[WeAreBob]

Now that it is over, have you realise that the way you changed her wasnt actually helping him the way you intended?

You had him bring stuff back inside from the car instead of using what you had in the house and you called him back again to go get you cotton pads.

[ladydimitrescu]

"You don't seem to realise that you are both at fault here and that if either of the two of you could learn to be less stubborn there may be a way forward.

Someone has to be the bigger person or it'll just go to shit and you'll seperate.

Would you ever consider the possibility that you might be mircomanaging and dramatic?

Would he ever consider the possibility that he takes everything personally and is also dramatic in terms of storming out etc?

Ask him if he thinks you are mircomanaging & dramatic. Apologise for your part in it. Ask him of he would consider the fact that if he is irritated he needs to explain why rather than walk out. At the moment, you are both just blaming each other and going around in circles."

This is a really great post by @ThirtyThreeTrees .
There are two of you in the relationship, and you're both getting at each other. Unless you actually sit down and communicate effectively, it won't improve. Rather than be on the defensive, ask yourself how he might feel about the constant input when he doesn't need it. You're his partner, not his mum.
He then needs to realise he can't storm off like a child either, and look at how he can react better in future.

You will both be a lot better off when you can accept you both have behaviours that the other finds frustrating. No one here is having a go at you op, there's been some great advice here. I hope you sort it. Don't cancel your holiday, it sounds as if you really need it.

[WeAreBob]

@WeAreBob

Now that it is over, have you realise that the way you changed her wasnt actually helping him the way you intended?

You had him bring stuff back inside from the car instead of using what you had in the house and you called him back again to go get you cotton pads.

So, you helping him turned into him having to so things on your terms and to your timetable. When he was already in a bad mood about you wanting your way over the pool.

Now that it has passed, can you look back and see how your actions could have been actually annoying. And will you admit to that and take your share of the blame for the problems your marriage is having.

Or do you still think you are totally right and he is wrong and he is the problem? Because you know always know better so he should just do it your way.

[WillMcAvoy]

@stressedhadenough

He's a good Dad to her, when he's here

No, he isn't

[stressedhadenough]

@WeAreBob

I posted about how the initial interaction went regarding the pool (things were fine between us prior to that), can you please read it and tell me what I did wrong? I was attempting to open a conversation with him. He rebuffed me and walked away. Things spiralled downhill from there. I am confused as to what I should have done differently there. Just not voice my opinion? Why not? Why can't I expect to be able to have a really normal benign conversation with my partner?

[RoseslnTheHospital]

I wouldn't try and ask him why he does the leaving abruptly and not responding thing every time you have a disagreement. The "why" is irrelevant and he may not be able/capable of explaining the reasons for it. Especially if he doesn't believe that it's poor behaviour and if he isn't very capable of self reflection. Which he doesn't sound as he is.

Tbh I couldn't tolerate the walking away and not responding as to when he'll be back. Also couldn't tolerate the angry say of speaking to you. If he isn't able to apologise to you and have a genuine conversation about how to behave in a relationship then I think I'd be calling an end to it.

If/when you go on holiday I'd perhaps prepare yourself to be doing 100% for your DD and just leave him to whatever he wants to do. Have minimal expectations basically.

[stressedhadenough]

I don't understand people saying "constant input" either. It's not like that at all.

I'm usually at work on a Wednesday while he looks after her and I'm out of the house 7.30-9pm. We exchange the odd text about what she's had for lunch etc but other than that he's solo all day. No input from me.

Today I happened to try to talk to him about the pool. I wasn't shouting, I wasn't being shitty. I was just saying "have you seen the weather, might not be the best time to put it up..." etc.

If that warrants being ignored and someone huffing off, then I'm at a loss. Genuinely.

[barbrahunter]

My ex used to do the storming off in a tantrum thing too, OP and I still remember clearly how awful it was. It actually used to scare me and it seemed to come from nowhere. It made me question was I coming across different to how I thought I was coming across?

I don't have much to add, other than you have my sympathies. In my case, life got a lot happier once we split up.

[RoseslnTheHospital]

I don't know why people are analysing the pool conversation as an issue. It's an entirely normal conversation and a relationship shouldn't be about each person trying to "get their own way". You talk about stuff to reach agreement and/or compromise, not to "win" the discussion.

[WeAreBob]

@stressedhadenough

@WeAreBob

I posted about how the initial interaction went regarding the pool (things were fine between us prior to that), can you please read it and tell me what I did wrong? I was attempting to open a conversation with him. He rebuffed me and walked away. Things spiralled downhill from there. I am confused as to what I should have done differently there. Just not voice my opinion? Why not? Why can't I expect to be able to have a really normal benign conversation with my partner?

And I'm saying that people dont normally walk away over a reasonable comment/request UNLESS it is a pattern and they've had enough. If this is how your parenting goes; he wants to do something, you "reasonable just mention" why you think he is wrong and then you agree to do it your way. If that is his life, no wonder he walked away.
From the way you write and the respond to people, I wouldn't be surprised if that is how you behave and no matter how reasonable each individual comment you make is, they add up to too much and now he walks away.

[stressedhadenough]

@RoseslnTheHospital

I don't know why people are analysing the pool conversation as an issue. It's an entirely normal conversation and a relationship shouldn't be about each person trying to "get their own way". You talk about stuff to reach agreement and/or compromise, not to "win" the discussion.

Precisely my point. These are surely normal conversations?

[WeAreBob]

@RoseslnTheHospital

I don't know why people are analysing the pool conversation as an issue. It's an entirely normal conversation and a relationship shouldn't be about each person trying to "get their own way". You talk about stuff to reach agreement and/or compromise, not to "win" the discussion.

Well, exactly. But I'd put money on it that the OP always gets her way and always thinks she knows better. So he just doesnt want to listen anymore.

[stressedhadenough]

@barbrahunter

My ex used to do the storming off in a tantrum thing too, OP and I still remember clearly how awful it was. It actually used to scare me and it seemed to come from nowhere. It made me question was I coming across different to how I thought I was coming across?

I don't have much to add, other than you have my sympathies. In my case, life got a lot happier once we split up.

Thanks for the support.

I'm almost sure I'm walking away. Just need to work out the logistics.

[Bananarama21]

Couples argue its normal, we are only human we get frustrated and snapping especially if he's tired from the few days of hot weather and a baby in the mix. Just give him space to calm down. I've been with dh 12 years there's been many times we had agurgements but we are still going strong.