Partner has just walked out on me and 15 month old

[stressedhadenough]

He's been in a foul mood the entire morning. He's supposed to be looking after our DC (today is his day to do that, we have one day each per week to stay home with her and she's at childcare the other 3 days). Just so happens I'm off work sick today, though, so all 3 of us home together. He's been like a bear with a sore head following a disagreement about whether or not to put the pool up in the garden. That's it. Nothing even important or major. We just had a different opinion on it. He was a moody arse, walked away from me as I was talking to him, so I asked him what the hell was wrong, why is he being like this. Nothing's wrong he says. Right.

He says he's going to do the food shop. Says he will take DD. Right, great. He starts loading stuff into the car including her changing bag. DD then poos. I say "please can you just hold off putting the changing bag in the car, she's pooed, I'll change her before you go". He shouts back as he's walking away with the bag "just use the wipes on the kitchen table". I reply "I might also need the lotion, though - can I please just have the bag?" He grumpily brings it back, sighing. Then goes off outside in the garden.

There are no cotton pads in the bag - I realise they are upstairs, and DD is trying to pull off her nappy (new habit she's got into). I shout his name. No reply. I shout again. He shouts back "what?" in a shitty tone. I say please could you help me a second (don't want to leave DD to pull her dirty nappy off). He comes in, I ask could he please run upstairs for cotton pads. He sighs/huffs again, goes upstairs. Comes back down and then comes really close to me and goes "stop speaking to me like shit"; then walks away.

I said "me?? Are you joking? You've done nothing but speak to me like shit all morning!"
I then point out he's been like a bear with a sore head since the pool disagreement, walking away from me mid conversation, quiet and moody, huffing about the place, trying to put the changing bag in the car when I needed it (pointless, why would you do that?), and then being abrupt when I shouted his name asking for help when changing her.

He then went "right, I'm off, you can do the shopping yourself".

And off he sped in his car. I'm home not feeling well, looking after our toddler on my own, ok what is supposed to be his day to look after her. And now I am also responsible for the food shop which he has decided he's not doing.

Tried calling a few times to ask him when he's coming home, he answered one call and said "I'm not speaking to you, you're out of order, I'm not coming home", then hung up immediately. I tried calling back, numerous times over the past hour or so, he's ignoring my calls.

I text him saying "do you really think it's appropriate to just walk out on me and DD like that, leaving me to do everything today including the shopping when I'm not well?"

He replied "I haven't walked out on her, I've walked out on you. Don't use her". erm,., you've literally just walked out and left her here??

And that's that. So what the fuck do I do? Is he an arsehole or is he being reasonable here??

[Krustykrabpizza]

Off topic but why did you need cotton pads to change a toddler?

[bloodyunicorns]

This is his standard way of resolving arguments, and he can't, or won't, communicate about this?

He needs some counselling - or a swift kick up the arse. Is he four?

He sounds totally devoid of any emotional intelligence. Can you live like this forever?

Btw it sounds like he was entirely to blame today, not you.

[stressedhadenough]

@Borgonzola

I'm sorry you feel like you haven't had support.

For what it's worth, I think this situation sounds very stressful and not sustainable, and I get why you're upset. It sounds like you're in a place where effective communication is breaking down and any arguments you do have aren't being resolved or making any constructive changes.

First off: I'd give him and the situation a break for now. Not because I think you're in the wrong or I think you should give him the silent treatment; I just don't think it's going to achieve anything today. In the same position I'd probably just quietly get on with my evening, whether that be having a rest because you feel unwell, seeing to DD, or getting yourself a takeaway, as a PP suggested. If he asks why you're quiet, just calmly explain that you've said already that you don't feel well, and that there's no food in the house so you just want to have something you fancy and go to bed. Don't be drawn into an argument; if he tries to have a go just look at him and then maybe leave the room. If he seems in an ok mood I'd probably ask him kindly to look after DD while you have a rest and sort yourself out some food, because you don't feel well. Don't make it about him at all, just say how you're feeling. If he tries the 'what about food for me?' You could look blank and say you assumed he'd sorted himself out while he was out, or say sure, what do you fancy ordering? And then don't get drawn beyond that.

Next, I'd sit and have a think about how you're going to talk to him about this. Do you have a time over the next few days when you can sit and chat face to face? You need to explain to him how he's made you feel - and I don't mean 'you always do this' or 'you did that', but 'this is how I felt'. Eg: the other day I felt really hurt by you. You knew I felt ill, but you still left me to look after the baby and didn't get the food in like your promised, and that made me feel really abandoned and hurt. I know we'd had a disagreement in the morning, but that's all it was - a disagreement, it wasn't the end of the world and I don't think I deserved that treatment. Me wanting to change DD's nappy wasn't me trying to be unhelpful either, so I don't understand why you got so cross with me. Can you explain it from your perspective?

I think ultimately you need to decide whether he has any capacity to think about his actions and words, if this is what he's always like, and whether as a couple you can get yourself into a better place, and whether it's working. The above might sound all very wishy washy but I'm in a LTR with a man who has had a mood disorder for the best part of a decade, and sitting and talking honestly with him about how his moods make me feel, and couples therapy (and individual therapy for him) has saved us. We're not perfect but I've learnt to step back from arguments sometimes and also just to be honest with him when he's treating me in a way I don't like. I should stress that this is not putting up with abusive behaviour - he is not abusive - but it is working out how much I'm putting into the argument myself, and our relationship isn't definitely worth it. If he's got any insight it might be worth saving, but if not, then I think you'll have to eventually explain to him that he doesn't make you unhappy - actively the opposite - and that you've worked out that you and DD deserve more than a really moody man who can't be disagreed with about little things, can't see when you're trying to help him out, and allows his tantrums to get in the way of family life.

And by the way, he isn't a good father if he lets this affect his daughter.

Sorry that this is so long, but I read this and it really resonated with me. It's how my relationship could have been if I hadn't put my foot down years ago.

@Borgonzola

This is an incredibly helpful post. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it x

[Borgonzola]

Sorry, our relationship IS worth it, I should say.

Some posters are saying that you're being overly dramatic, and maybe you are or it sounds like that, but I'm also aware that you're probably in a place where it's really hard to think constructively or rationally, and I've been there myself. Everything feels huge and serious and against you. As I said in my last post, it sounds like your relationship has moved away from being somewhere where you can talk to each other sensibly, and that shows. But I don't think you're wrong to feel upset and put upon.

[stressedhadenough]

@Krustykrabpizza

Off topic but why did you need cotton pads to change a toddler?

I use baby lotion and cotton pads to clean her after a poo, I don't just use wipes. Just personal preference.

[stressedhadenough]

@bloodyunicorns

This is his standard way of resolving arguments, and he can't, or won't, communicate about this?

He needs some counselling - or a swift kick up the arse. Is he four?

He sounds totally devoid of any emotional intelligence. Can you live like this forever?

Btw it sounds like he was entirely to blame today, not you.

I think the same quite often. His emotional intelligence is on par with a teenager when we have a disagreement. I'm not sure why I've continued so long like this. There must be something keeping me with him. Not sure what it is right now.

[UrsulaBursula]

I think he is over the relationship and by the sounds of it; I wouldn’t be surprised if he had another woman.

[Triffid1]

@BlindGirlMcSqueaky "projecting"? I am applying my.own experience to what sounds like a similar situation. You know, as people do on this forum.

Op, I still think you were micro.managing and taking over unnecessarily. Doesn't mean that it's OK for him to storm out. But if this is your pattern as a couple you are BOTH going to havr to work to fix it.

As a pp said - you weren't being helpful by changing the baby if you then kept insisting he come in and out to help you. And sure, the baby needed changing but either he could have taken the baby to wherever your permanent changing set up is, or you could. And as for the pool - I completely agree with your thinking. But he was the one who would ve doing so let him get on with it.

[BIWI]

I could have shouted him back in the room and gone "by the way she's pooed so you'll have to change her before you go shopping"

Given that a) he's a grown man and b) he regularly looks after his own DD, do you not think he would have realised this?

You got offended/upset when you were called out on your behaviour - but you really do need to accept some blame here. If it's his day, it's his day. You were poorly enough to be off work, so you should have been in bed and letting him get on with it. As well as having a rest yourself!

[stressedhadenough]

You really cant take his incident and call him abusive when all we know is she told him he couldn't put the pool up for their kid, she then stayed home sick on his day when he clearly needed a break from her, and she spent the day interfering in what he was doing.

Wtf?

Firstly - have you read the OP or just made up your own narrative? I didn't "tell him he couldn't put up the pool", I said "hey have you seen the weather for tomorrow, doesn't look great you know. Just thinking might not be the best time to put the pool up right now?" Bearing in mind this is a 12 FOOT pool that takes over half a day to fill and a lot of emptying. What's the point in all the effort if we can't use it tomorrow? That was my thought process, so I attempted to engage him in a conversation about that. He refused to talk to me and just walked away! I said "why are you walking away from me?" and he just moodily went "I'm going to get changed" and huffed off upstairs.

That was the exchange! Where was I at fault there please?

Secondly - he needs a "break" from me so I'm not permitted to stay home from work sick?? I don't even know where to start with that one tbh.

[WibblyWobblyLane]

@stressedhadenough

@squishymamma

I have tried many times to sit him down and talk to him, he says nothing. He shuts down. I get "I don't know" or complete silence in response to every question. I honestly can't keep trying with him and I can't be with someone who is going to walk out whenever they fancy leaving me to pick up everything at home. A pp said that DD will notice it soon. I don't want to have to answer "where's daddy gone? When's he coming back?" type questions in a year or so when she's old enough to ask me. I want out now.

I left exh when dd was about the same age as yours and honestly, don't let this be a barrier. Dad not living with us is her normal and she never asked about him. She was too young to realise what was going on at that age and a year on she didn't care because she was in a solid routine at that age.

You should not be living on eggshells; that's not a healthy relationship and your DC will pick up on it and will form their standards for future relationships.

[stressedhadenough]

@UrsulaBursula

I think he is over the relationship and by the sounds of it; I wouldn’t be surprised if he had another woman.

I have wondered this myself recently tbh

[stressedhadenough]

@BIWI

Yes of course he would have realised she had pooed when he came to put her in the car. Then he'd have had to change her, and it would have delayed him going shopping. I know from my own experience that when I'm juggling everything on my own with DD and home life on my day to look after her, I'd really appreciate the second pair of hands if it meant I could get out of the door sooner. That's all. So I was trying to be helpful based on knowing that I'd have found the same helpful. Somehow it's been turned into "micromanaging". I imagine if I'd just left it he'd have come to get her to put her in the car and said something like "did you not notice she'd pooed?" Honestly it blows my mind how trying to be helpful turns into something negative

[Borgonzola]

I'm a bit confused about some of the people having a go, to be honest. Yes it all sounds trivial from the outside and we weren't there, but context is everything and none of these are conversations that needed to be antagonistic. You should be able to say 'ah not sure if that's a good idea, here's why, what do you think?' Without it becoming something for him to sulk over. You should be able to ask him to pop and fetch you some wipes without it being an onerous task. If it's his day to look after her it's not like you're not allowed to change a nappy!

As someone else just said, it's simply walking on eggshells, and any of these conversations in a healthy relationship would be just that - conversations.

[BIWI]

You're determined not to try and see the other side of any of this, aren't you?

'Trying to be helpful' isn't always, actually, helpful.

(I'm not condoning him walking off/leaving you in this situation though)

[stressedhadenough]

@Borgonzola

Exactly! You have hit the nail right on the head. Why on earth is it not possible to open a civil conversation with him about the weather and whether this is the right time to set up the pool? That didn't need to escalate like it did. He wouldn't even engage, just walked away. That's not healthy.

[Borgonzola]

Also, unless you were literally unscrewing his hubcaps while thinking you were being helpful, saying 'sorry, was just trying to help' never needs to be met with a tantrum from an adult who then absolves himself of needing to care for his child when he knows you're ill and flouncing out for hours. That's just... not a normal or warranted reaction.

[stressedhadenough]

@BIWI

Right, well you'll have to take my word for it that we frequently engage in childcare tasks to help each other out, even on the days when it's not "our" day at home with her. It doesn't matter. We work as a team normally. If I'm about to take dd out somewhere and she pooed as I'm loading up the car, DP wouldn't think twice about getting on with changing her. He wouldn't see this as micromanaging and neither would I. But today, for some reason, he had got one hell of a bee in his bonnet. And I guess I'll never know why since he's refusing to talk to me.

[housepilot]

@stressedhadenough

He's a good Dad to her, when he's here

So she didn't witness any of his pathetic, childish, tantrum? A good dad wouldn't do that in front of her.

Please don't insult good dads. What makes this loser a good dad?

Don't break your heart over her saying dada. He is not worth pursuing and begging and being treated like an unwanted dog the rest of your life. Teach your daughter dignity and self-respect. Or she'll have a childhood of being rejected by her dad and her her dad benign abusive to her mum. What a crap childhood and a crap emotionally mixed up future.

[stressedhadenough]

Thanks everyone, in particular @Borgonzola
I'm going to disengage for a while as whilst some of this is helping me, some of it definitely is not. I haven't got the energy at the moment,

I'll check back in later.

[Fireflygal]

When he says "he doesn't know" he probadly doesn't know, because it sounds like he hasn't learned to process or handle conflict effectively so he storms off, perhaps to avoid escalating or to punish you.

Ime, the quality (and longevity) of a relationship hinges on the ability to resolve conflict & accomodate compromise. All couples will experience conflict and those that can resolve and move on are successful longterm.

His style of communication is likely to come from his childhood, what do you know about that?

One factor for you...do you always get your way? In regard to the pool, it didn't get filled up today so you "won". Perhaps you think your decision was superior but reflect on how often he is "allowed" to have the final decision. A healthier approach would be for him to say I really want the pool today and for you to take it on board. Sometimes it's about fun not practicalities. Men who have had controlling parents tend to over react to any form of perceived control from partner. Perceived rather than actual as they are on high alert for control.

Is it fixable? Depends, as he has unlearn his programmed responses. Ex H was like this and despite a full year of counselling never changed. He now spends his life going from one relationship to another because they all end due to his inability to handle compromise and conflict.

I hope your partner is able to reflect but have to sat I'm not optimistic

[Borgonzola]

That's completely fair enough, I think some people on here are perhaps imagining context that wasn't there.

Hope you have a good evening and some sleep, and don't feel so unwell tomorrow.

[stressedhadenough]

Just one last thing re the pool. My intention had been to show him the weather forecast, discuss it with him, and then suggest an alternative of buying a smaller pool whilst he's out shopping today that DD can play in - a toddler sized one. Instead of inflating and filling a 12ft one and not getting any use of it. But I wasn't able to get as far as making that suggestion because he disengaged from the conversation I was trying to initiate and walked off.

Should we not be able to have these really basic conversations with our partners?

[newbiename]

The silent treatment is abuse

[stressedhadenough]

We are due to fly on our first family holiday in 3 weeks time and (at the risk of sounding "dramatic" as I've been accused of on here), I really don't want to go anymore. I really don't. 😥