Partner has just walked out on me and 15 month old

[stressedhadenough]

He's been in a foul mood the entire morning. He's supposed to be looking after our DC (today is his day to do that, we have one day each per week to stay home with her and she's at childcare the other 3 days). Just so happens I'm off work sick today, though, so all 3 of us home together. He's been like a bear with a sore head following a disagreement about whether or not to put the pool up in the garden. That's it. Nothing even important or major. We just had a different opinion on it. He was a moody arse, walked away from me as I was talking to him, so I asked him what the hell was wrong, why is he being like this. Nothing's wrong he says. Right.

He says he's going to do the food shop. Says he will take DD. Right, great. He starts loading stuff into the car including her changing bag. DD then poos. I say "please can you just hold off putting the changing bag in the car, she's pooed, I'll change her before you go". He shouts back as he's walking away with the bag "just use the wipes on the kitchen table". I reply "I might also need the lotion, though - can I please just have the bag?" He grumpily brings it back, sighing. Then goes off outside in the garden.

There are no cotton pads in the bag - I realise they are upstairs, and DD is trying to pull off her nappy (new habit she's got into). I shout his name. No reply. I shout again. He shouts back "what?" in a shitty tone. I say please could you help me a second (don't want to leave DD to pull her dirty nappy off). He comes in, I ask could he please run upstairs for cotton pads. He sighs/huffs again, goes upstairs. Comes back down and then comes really close to me and goes "stop speaking to me like shit"; then walks away.

I said "me?? Are you joking? You've done nothing but speak to me like shit all morning!"
I then point out he's been like a bear with a sore head since the pool disagreement, walking away from me mid conversation, quiet and moody, huffing about the place, trying to put the changing bag in the car when I needed it (pointless, why would you do that?), and then being abrupt when I shouted his name asking for help when changing her.

He then went "right, I'm off, you can do the shopping yourself".

And off he sped in his car. I'm home not feeling well, looking after our toddler on my own, ok what is supposed to be his day to look after her. And now I am also responsible for the food shop which he has decided he's not doing.

Tried calling a few times to ask him when he's coming home, he answered one call and said "I'm not speaking to you, you're out of order, I'm not coming home", then hung up immediately. I tried calling back, numerous times over the past hour or so, he's ignoring my calls.

I text him saying "do you really think it's appropriate to just walk out on me and DD like that, leaving me to do everything today including the shopping when I'm not well?"

He replied "I haven't walked out on her, I've walked out on you. Don't use her". erm,., you've literally just walked out and left her here??

And that's that. So what the fuck do I do? Is he an arsehole or is he being reasonable here??

[stressedhadenough]

@WeAreBob

You can think what you like. I'm done. I'm too unwell and upset to keep repeating myself.

[stressedhadenough]

@Bananarama21

Thanks.
Does yours walk out with no explanation too? It's the worst. I wouldn't mind an argument to clear the air. But it's the refusal to engage and just walking away that gets to me so much. 😥

[Ilikenewbedding]

Feels like I'm reading something I could have written years ago. I was always on edge because I never knew when he would be home, never knew when he would leave in a temper over the smallest thing.
Over the years it got worse, until he was gone for days at a time and the police were searching for him.
I stayed for so many reasons, but after 15 years I just stopped caring. I couldn't do it anymore.
But I can promise you that you CAN move on from this. You and your child deserve so much better. But only you will know when you're ready to take that step. I know that leaving is easier said than done, but just know that it is completely doable and you will cope much more than you think you will.
💐

[BlindGirlMcSqueaky]

@stressedhadenough

I don't understand people saying "constant input" either. It's not like that at all.

I'm usually at work on a Wednesday while he looks after her and I'm out of the house 7.30-9pm. We exchange the odd text about what she's had for lunch etc but other than that he's solo all day. No input from me.

Today I happened to try to talk to him about the pool. I wasn't shouting, I wasn't being shitty. I was just saying "have you seen the weather, might not be the best time to put it up..." etc.

If that warrants being ignored and someone huffing off, then I'm at a loss. Genuinely.

It doesn't warrant it. Neither does asking him to fetch something. It shouldn't be escalated to this point. He could just have said that he really wanted to put the pool up and didn't care about the consequences and he could have fetched you what you needed without having a tantrum about it.

It's a poor tactic for coping with conflict. The responsibility is definitely not on you to make sure no conflict ever occurs. That's unrealistic and unfair.

[PearlClutch]

OP, sounds like youv'e had a shitty day.

Hope you feel better tomorrow. TBH, the issue of your relationship I think may be best waiting until you are recovered. It's your decision, but you need to think rationally, not when you're under the weather.

[stressedhadenough]

@PearlClutch

OP, sounds like youv'e had a shitty day.

Hope you feel better tomorrow. TBH, the issue of your relationship I think may be best waiting until you are recovered. It's your decision, but you need to think rationally, not when you're under the weather.

Thank you x

[RoseslnTheHospital]

@WeAreBob you couldn't possibly make that assumption.

It's not ok to walk out and disappear for hours without responding to any messages and without saying when you'll be back. Especially if you're also walking out on your baby and leaving them with your unwell partner. It's manipulative and controlling. It's effect is to unnerve and panic, to punish the OP for upsetting him.

[CallOnMe]

How often are you arguing?

This doesn’t sound like a good relationship and I’d seriously consider some external help like couples counselling and if that doesn’t work then ending it.
It sounds like it won’t be long before he leaves.

I think it’s a good idea he left.
The arguing is not doing either of you any good snd it would keep escalating until one of you said something you regret.
lt’s also very unfair on your poor DD to have parents constantly arguing or what’s worse feeling the tension when you’re not arguing.

It does sound like you were nit picking and making things more difficult than they had to be but he sounds like a miserable arse and the fact that you are both blaming each other and not admitting fault says a lot about this relationship.

I do think some people are very quick to throw in the towel but I don’t see the point in living like this.

[WeAreBob]

@RoseslnTheHospital

@WeAreBob you couldn't possibly make that assumption.

It's not ok to walk out and disappear for hours without responding to any messages and without saying when you'll be back. Especially if you're also walking out on your baby and leaving them with your unwell partner. It's manipulative and controlling. It's effect is to unnerve and panic, to punish the OP for upsetting him.

And on it's own, it is terrible. But things don't happen in a vacuum.

[Nothappyatwork]

I believe couples counselling is about 150 quid an hour personally I wouldn’t bother.

[OldFan]

@WeAreBob But most people wouldn't do what he did, even if they were annoyed etc.

[RoseslnTheHospital]

Who says they do?? You're assuming that the OP was at least as abusive to him in the argument, sufficient to warrant this reaction from him. For it to be an understandable and reasonable, if dramatic, response.

But it doesn't matter whether that imagining of the events is accurate or not. It's a dysfunctional relationship either way.

[ihavenocats]

Here's what you do. You start providing for yourself and your baby and becoming sufficient without him. Get on with it, politely ask him to be involved in things like trips out, but around the house just get on with it, enjoy your child.

Things like this don't usually get better. Once he sees you living life and being happy he will either want to join in or get severely angry, at which point you can call the police and have him removed then leave into a domestic abuse refuge and wait until he goes through courts for access.

If he decides to join in let him but never molly coddle him again. He needs to grow up.

[stressedhadenough]

What will happen now is, this just won't get spoken about again, and he will be thrilled with that because he's emotionally avoidant. Then he will assume the fact it's not been spoken about again means it's all fine, meanwhile I'm still angry and upset and wondering how I can financially and practically get the hell out of this relationship. Because I don't feel I can raise it with him. This is the pattern, I can't ever raise anything because I'm "going on and on at him" if I do, despite the fact it might not have been spoken about at all until that point (if that makes sense). He's so emotionally unhealthy I don't know where to begin. I can't do it with him anymore. I'm so drained

[stressedhadenough]

@Ilikenewbedding

Feels like I'm reading something I could have written years ago. I was always on edge because I never knew when he would be home, never knew when he would leave in a temper over the smallest thing.
Over the years it got worse, until he was gone for days at a time and the police were searching for him.
I stayed for so many reasons, but after 15 years I just stopped caring. I couldn't do it anymore.
But I can promise you that you CAN move on from this. You and your child deserve so much better. But only you will know when you're ready to take that step. I know that leaving is easier said than done, but just know that it is completely doable and you will cope much more than you think you will.
💐

Thank you x

[CallOnMe]

What’s the reason you are still with him OP?

It sounds like both of you want out of this relationship but you’re just waiting for the other person to do it first.

[aloris]

Well, I don't know if he's abusive or you're unreasonable or any of that. But I can say that if this situation happens regularly where one of you needs to stop what they are doing to get something for the person who is changing the nappy, then your nappy-changing stations need to be managed a bit differently. You need a complete changing station upstairs, a complete changing station downstairs, and changing supplies in the diaper bag that goes out on excursions with your child.

It is very annoying to be told that your partner is changing the child's nappy, and then to have to stop repeatedly to help them. I know that it seems like it should not be a big deal to call out for your partner to get the lotion or some other small item, but over time these little distractions add up and even if they don't make you lose your composure, they do make your other tasks much less efficient, which means your day becomes more complex, less productive, and therefore weighs down on the mental health. So if you're going to change the nappy, do so independently. This means getting into the habit of: before you remove the dirty diaper, check that you have everything you'll need to change it to completion. If all equipment is not present, go get the missing equipment before you remove the dirty diaper. Blowouts might be an exception because if you leave the child in the nappy then it might start squirting up their back or dripping on to the rug, thus making the total workload much greater than if both parents drop all other tasks and clean up immediately. In a blowout situation, all parties present just have to have a sense of humor and accept that their child has successfully messed up their schedule. But in a normal nappy-changing situation, you should be changing the nappy independently.

This really goes for lots of childcare tasks. If you are feeding the child dinner, feed them dinner. If you are giving them their bath, give them their bath. In this way, two parents can divide and conquer. Each gets a little pure downtime while the other parent is handling childcare, even if it's only 10 or 15 min. If you both need to be available at a moment's notice to help the other parent with every task, then neither of you gets ANY true downtime and tempers will eventually flare.

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

He sounds selfish. Also sulky and mardy is really bloody unattractive , ex used to drive me mad with it. That and the going off doing whatever he wanted when in a sulk.

How was he expecting to put up a 12ft pool when he was supposed to be looking after dd?

I'm guessing that he planned to have you watch her even though you are ill?

If I was you I'd be looking on the government website to see if I was entitled to any universal credits or help with childcare if I decided to leave.

If he won't communicate nothing is going to change is it ⚘⚘

[Ambertonix]

Do you think he had plans today maybe meeting up with someone he shouldnt have been because he expected you to be at work all day and then you put a spanner in the works by being home ill? Maybe he engineered the 'storm out' so he was able to get in touch with this other person and explain/ make an excuse? That would be my first thought but im naturally suspicious having been cheated on by my ex in practically the same way.

[Maytodecember]

All the minutiae of life —- like the pool, baby needing a clean nappy, not having the thing you need to hand just in the middle of a nappy change is just that —- the million tiny things that make up family life that you both work at. Some are boring, tedious in time consuming but you do them. You don’t get grumpy, huffy or walk out over tiny things —- you keep that for the big stuff when ( if) it happens.
He’s either very immature, not prepared for parenthood, and doesn’t want to bother putting effort into a relationship and family life.
Or there’s something bigger going on, like another woman, or gambling, or threat of job loss he’s not told you about.
Ask him if there is anything big he wants to tell you about.
Its unfair on you and your DD for him to behave like this— either there’s a big problem and he shares and works it out or he grows up.

[PurBal]

Lots of good advice. Sounds like you both need to chill and chat. He shouldn’t have walked out but mostly sounds like frustrated bickering.

ps weird side point and sorry if I missed your reply: I find it weird you don’t have a changing place in the house. We don’t have a change table but we have all the things required in the bathroom, I have never changed DS anywhere else if we’re at home (bar changing him into a swim nappy outside for the paddling pool). My son’s dirty nappy went all over the carpet when it leaked so no way I’m changing him anywhere else. We now use reusables (including wipes at home) to avoid leaks.

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

Bullshit does she! You sound really bloody unpleasant though

[5zeds]

Just sounds like you are ill and he is hot and finding you annoying. Get better, and try to be nicer to each other.

[Bananarama21]

Yes he has done actually, often to cool off so we don't argue further. It gave us the necessary time to cool off