Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
Know your worth.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.
No dating the thread.
Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thank you for your lovely welcome and good tips ibelieveinmirrorballs
I’ll try some of the other sites too
Are you still dating now?
Did you try other ways to meet people?

@onlinedatingsucks not especially - but mainly due to circumstances (am 52, demanding job and children at home so hard to get out that much). It's worth trying as much as you can and not relying on OLD if possible... I'd be up for speed dating if it was more of an option.

Yes still dating, early days with seemingly lovely person.

Welcome @onlinedatingsucks. I tried hinge for first time ever a few weeks back. It's slower pace than say tinder but I think the matches are better.

The guy I'm seeing tonight is a hinge match. Only been chatting a week so not overly invested. Have done voice notes to each other but no call. We're meeting at a nice pub half way between us so I won't be drinking and have my car for early escape if not feeling it. If he turns up and we're going to see each other again I'll name him 😆

I had a match yesterday who I was chatting with - what I consider to be in a normal way for a new match - who then messaged stroppily along lines of "say if you don't want to chat and we can unmatch to save time as you seem to be putting in zero effort". I replied saying I had been in middle of doing kidd dinner but in any event didn't think we'd be a match and wished him well in his search - he unmatched straight away 😆 can't be doing with stroppy that early on 😆

Dipping back in again as I do! Not that I’ve had any success when I’m not here!

I’m the one who drove past a gorgeous man on my way into the car park last month, and who turned out to be my date. We had two dates in the end. The second was lunch followed by a mooch around an outside art venue. I just knew it wasn’t going anywhere, I just had this feeling at the end of the date. Anyway, 48 hours later I got a “no spark” message from him, despite him saying in the same message exchange that he enjoyed my company and was toying with the idea of asking me out again…🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, nothing on Bumble. Matches that barely make any effort. One who declared he was dating now so was off, then came back a week later as he’d been blown out. I’ve ignored him. He’d lied about his age anyway.

So, why keep trying something that isn’t working, I thought. 🤣 Anyone tried a dating agency??? (Seriously!) Wrong side of 50 here…

Christ @Slothmomma I have zero tolerance for that kind of attitude. Instant unmatch - can you imagine the self-pitying passive-aggressive bleating of being involved with someone like that?

Good luck for later 😎

@AquaTofana No such thing as the wrong side of 50! I’d try other apps - personally was never inspired by the goods on offer on Bumble. The best tactic I’ve had is going on slightly more “out there” apps like Feeld or OKCupid but being clear what I’m looking for (love, a relationship of sorts, with someone fit/active/sex-positive etc). Everyone’s much more “cards on the table” and I’ve found I just don’t end up chatting with players as I’m not interested in anyone clearly after just hook ups. It’s hard to explain but basically I think there’s a refreshing honesty out there but rarely found (for me, anyway, aged 52) on apps like Tinder and Bumble.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs that’s really interesting, thank you. I’ve not heard of Feeld but will certainly have a go before parting with a ton of cash for an agency! Bumble has very much gone downhill recently. One delight in my stack this morning was looking for “rough sex on weekdays”…at least HE was honest!!! 😒

I prefer it when people are honest, you can just say to yourself “that’s not for me” and move on. It’s okay that not all people are looking for the same things as ourselves.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Just looked at Feeld on the App Store. 😳 Aside from the glitches it seems to have I’m pretty sure I’m too “vanilla” for it??? What’s your experience of it?

@AquaTofana I met my partner on Feeld. I found the guys there were by far the most respectful I'd come across. Hopefully it's the same for you 💖

@AquaTofana Feeld may not be for you if you didn't like seeing someone saying "rough sex on weekdays" on Bumble... 🤔😆 I try to just scroll past the things that don't appeal to me without being horrified by it and somehow indicative of the general level of people on that app. I think what I'm trying to say is that amongst those 'not for me' profiles there are also some people who just want to be able to honestly say things like "I'm recently out of a long-term marriage and looking to explore my sexuality a bit" without fear of being judged, as an example.

If you specify that you're NOT looking for a certain thing on Feeld, people who are into that tend to leave you alone. But conversely if you say "looking for something a bit non-vanilla" you'll be approached happily by people who feel the same.

In my experience (and it does vary according to where you live, age etc) the more conventional apps were full of absolute dullards all pretending they wanted a relationship when actually they didn't really. Anyone vaguely resembling a functioning human behaved like a kid in a sweet shop. Decent chats were like gold dust. And both Tinder and Bumble seem to want to get you to pay quite a lot of money for the most basic of extra functions.

I've also thought about dating agencies. I just can't think that they are a good use of cash. Ultimately, as the MN saying goes, "there is an abundance of cock" out there, we shouldn't be operating as though it's a scarce resource, but equally from what I observe on MN some women keep persevering with chats, dates, etc even when it's patently obvious from the get go that the man in question is a dick. Don't tolerate shit conversation, speak or have a video call first, if they're grumpy or inconsistent or unreliable, just block and move on. I think it's really important to move swiftly through the idiots so you don't waste time trying to find the decent ones.

Sorry for that accidental brain dump / rant.

Couldn't agree more @ibelieveinmirrorballs, move on swiftly, this is key to all app interaction

the more conventional apps were full of absolute dullards all pretending they wanted a relationship when actually they didn't really

This!! Totally. I suppose the more honest people on Feeld will filter themselves out of my requirements as I can avoid them? Not so easy on the other apps where taking a profile at face value doesn’t work as who knows what the other person’s ulterior motive is.

And even getting a match is difficult when you’ve filtered out the obvious undesirables first! I probably swipe right on less than 20%. Then out of those matches, the percentage leading to dates is even less. These are supposed to be so called professional, middle aged men. Honestly, my friends wonder how I’m still single…🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh love the updates. I find going out biking in the evenings I've been meeting men. My bike is vintage and gets some comments. I stop at a pub for z drink alone, often meet chatty men. Easier than OLD! Been disappointing lately. Nr farmer still keen....meeting him soon..

@AquaTofana I'd be inclined to agree about the out there apps though I've met my longer term partners on Bumble.

However, although I'm pretty open minded, I want the sex to not be so obviously on the table if you know what I mean, which is what I found on Feeld. I still wanted to date, have a relationship and I didn't want sex to be at the forefront hence that site wasn't for me.

Thanks everyone for being so supportive this week after my breakup with Mr Blue. Each day is feeling a teeny bit better.

Yes it's not for the faint-hearted @Eesha that's for sure. I do wonder whether I'd feel like I had as much a 'need' for a site like that if I was still London-based... it's felt so much harder out in the sticks and for some reason OKC and Feeld both had much better ways of filtering/suggesting people based on location than Tinder/Bumble, which seemed to be either entirely local people (if I set my parameters close by) or loads of 'local people who live far away' plus a smattering of city folk if I tried to include London. One's experience of different apps definitely depends a lot on where you live and your demographic in general! I couldn't even get one chat going on Hinge whereas I always felt like I could start 5-10 really good chats easily on Feeld or OKC, and if they fizzled out, could quickly find more.

Really good to hear you're starting to feel a bit better. This stuff is really hard, as my therapist says it's amazing that we're putting ourselves out there and exposing ourselves to the downs as well as the ups of trying to meet someone - it's a brave thing to do. I find it particularly hard as a single parent working f/t to handle any of the emotional lows because it spills into other parts of my life which in turn makes me feel crappy. Hope you have a good weekend.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs how has your therapist advised about dealing with those thoughts when it spills over into everything else? I'm similar in that if my relationship doesn't work, I feel like everything is awful. The reality is I have a wonderful family, lots of friends, a good job etc. But when my relationships end, I feel so sad and almost like a zombie with the mantra "when is it going to be my happy ever after" and that becomes quite all consuming.

I think in that case she would remind me that there is no such thing as a happy ever after... it's very difficult to swallow immediately after a break up because we just can't have any perspective on it, but what helps me is reminding myself that I've felt desolate before but eventually realised it was the right thing, therefore there's a good chance I'll feel the same this time. EVEN IF at the time I'm wailing "no this one was different!". In the immediate aftermath I have found occasionally taking propranolol helps (non addictive, easy to get prescribed, helps to have some to hand if I'm suffering anxiety/catastrophising thoughts) or even - although I admit this is unconventional - microdosing psychedelics which is fast becoming accepted as a non-addictive natural alternative to anti-depressants.

I'm just here for the drug updates 😜

Very interesting @ibelieveinmirrorballs
The Propanalol (?) sounds like it could be handy for me too as I get panic attacks which I've never been offered or taken medication for ... the psychedelics would undoubtedly make everything i suffer from far worse ...

@Eesha very slow, very gentle self care which can range from gentle self talk to massages and everything in between. Good to hear you're feeling a bit better though 💖

Propranolol is excellent for panic/anxiety - as far as I understand it it works to interrupt the fight/flight adrenalin response in the body so you just sort of can't feel that panicky feeling. Not that I'm some kind of random drug czar but I have recommended it to a couple of friends who get anxiety and they agree it's a bit of a gamechanger to get you through a difficult patch. GPs don't mind prescribing as it's non addictive. I went through a period of taking it daily but haven't felt the need for a while.

Re. the microdosing... it's very interesting stuff. Good for creative thinking/perspective/meditative outlook... certainly at microdose levels absolutely nothing like a full on trip and the point of it is that it's sub-perceptual rather than something that impacts on your day.

Well I had my date with Mr Tall - omg he was 6' 4" perfect build gorgeousness 😱 it went well and he's said he would like to see me again but major draw back is he is probably leaving soon to take another contract abroad for a year 🤦‍♀️ so I don't know whether we actually meet again but I had a lovely evening and proved to myself that whilst I'm not swiping many people on apps there are actually people out there that I do fancy so I just need to keep my standards high and persevere

I'm sure you're right for some people @ibelieveinmirrorballs ... but not for me. Can't do non controlled substances AT ALL these days. Too dangerous for me, for various reasons. But thanks for Propwhatsitsface tip. Good to know somethings out there that could help as and when 💊

@ibelieveinmirrorballs …very good shared thoughts re dating. I’m still averse to go to Feeld as I’m in London and really there is quiete a bit of offer ( just me being super picky). The drug part… great info. What works for me is exercising a lot and TLC. I do understand people suffering from anxiety would benefit for something quick non addictive to help through the worst.
@Slothmomma …brilliant date and it shows there are good types around. I avoid perfectly nice gents who live partly in Dubai though… I want someone at least half time in London. I don’t want to live with anyone though.
@Eesha … so good you are feeling a bit better everyday. Mark my words…Mr Blue will be back calling you in a few months. You need to develop strategies to move on and date other people

ibelieveinmirrorballs

im fascinated by drugs . I’m still trying to keep my booze down . I’ve just come back from the most anxiety inducing custody travel trip
my friend told me me to deep breathe and look at the colours ( at Luton and stanstead it was a sea of blue and bright orange !)

I managed to stay calm but I think I need me some of that p ?!! As these trips are just awful as one missed connection has so many ramifications

anyway I home , they are with dad and i don’t need to worry about them xxx

Eesha

good to hear you feel a bit better xxxx a deeply bruising event that was really