Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
Know your worth.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.
No dating the thread.
Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

That would be the dream wouldn’t it? I also have safety concerns about it all but I’m completely anti social media and everything like that. Hate any details, photos anything at all of myself being online anywhere.

@bluetatoo It may work out I guess, that will be great for their family. I'm feeling really low about myself. When I am like this, I feel really self critical about things I'd normally be OK with. Like I feel like starving myself so ill be slimmer and then my relationships will work out.

I feel like that @Eesha . If I was this, that or the other, I’d have some luck. Try and let this part wash on by as it isn’t easy… just try and get through these next few days as they are always the worst x

Wouldn't it just? How did we cope before the Internet? I met my ex husband through friends on a night out... can't imagine that happening now.
In a way OLD gives you the chance to meet people that you otherwise wouldn't have but it also opens the door to a whole lot of people you'd rather not meet in any case. 😂 it's a bit of a double edged sword.

Eesha
oh dear ☹️
by saying that you are not being your own best friend xx

we know that what happened has nothing to do with your slenderness
but a toxic marriage and especially a toxic woman who has basically blackmailed him into hanging around
even his family and friends say that

it’s rotten shitty luck x but please be kind to yourself

that adage of ‘be your own best friend’ is a cheesy meme I know
but it’s kind of true

I agree with @Thisisworsethananticpated,@Eesha - this is nothing to do with whether or not you were thin enough/clever/funny/rich enough… it’s to do with their dynamic and the two of them not quite being able to admit defeat with each other, for whatever reason. Who knows if it’ll work out, I know a couple who recovered post-affair with the husband full of remorse; but we all know chances are it won’t but they’re not ready to say that yet.

From what little I know of you from posting here, you’re a highly accomplished hardworking and successful single mother raising young children with a demanding job and holding it all together. I know it’s hard right now but there’s a lot to be proud of. This will get easier day by day, but for now be kind to yourself.

@Eesha starving yourself won’t help a jot. Can’t you see, it’s not you. He could have been with the queen of England and it would have worked out the same. It was his choice to make, it had nothing to do with you at all. It’s natural that you’re upset, anyone would be, but please take care of yourself ❤️

@ButterflyOfShay sorry to hear that you had COVID. Hope you’re feeling better now 😘😘❤️

Also just want to thank @Mila14 for her lovely words on the last thread. ❤️😘

Thanks again for comments.

I had my counselling and feel able to get through this, crying is very cathartic and I'm going to go with the flow.

Mr K has lost a great woman in me and he'll realise that soon enough.
In the mean time I will continue to grow and flourish and see what awaits me.

@SortingItOut ❤️❤️❤️

SortingItOut
good update x
and yeah he will

This is so true. He's an eejit in my book and will struggle to find anyone like you, a very wonderful wise woman who's also been very very patient with him

@SortingItOut I’m so sorry, that’s a long time and so hard… he will realise what he’s lost.
snd @Eesha It’s awful being in that really dark bit, especially when you both feel strongly about one another.

I took a break from OLD on the sage advice from people here (was going in too intense) but went back, joining POF with a new attitude. And it’s been great! Have three irons I’ve had first
/2nd dates with, all very different, but even had my first snog in four years last weekend 💃
I’m not sure we’re relationship compatible but his approach was definitely what I like, very assertive. Date 3 with him tomorrow… I’ll call him Mr Blonde.

I do have a difficult thing to approach though, would welcome thoughts. It is TMI. I have a uterine prolapse and having surgery in October. I am really anxious about having sex before then, though I probably could if I was drunk… mentioning it is the least sexy thing in the world and I’d like to just let things progress without an actual conversation, but I also don’t want to have a crappy time because of it/for them to be grossed out (have only slept with one man since 2003!). So I’ll probably have to bring it up. Shit.

@SortingItOut i meant to say too, you’ve been so supportive to others on this thread and I’m glad your processing things with your counsellor

Thanks everyone, I think the heat just made me feel really depressed last night and angry at myself and everything else. The sadness will pass I know.

Levithecat

Excellent news !

not tmi at all . Can I ask how does it manifest itself ? in what way would they notice

I think you’d have to say something and prepared to be both pleasantly surprised and disappointed by their reaction
but when is the question ? I guess when the dates progress to sex ?

He really has - I’m glad you realise this. And someone who is focused on “growing and thriving” rather than staying stuck.

@SortingItOut you've always been a brilliant addition to the board. Mr K will realise he's made a mistake giving up on you both.

Eesha

ive never been so happy to see rain ☔️

for different reasons I was pathetically unable to
function the last two days

look it’s ever so easy to dish out advice god knows . It’s ok to be sad 😞 and all our minds work differently

but try as hard as possible to not turn it on yourself as you don’t deserve it !

the anger could be funnelled elsewhere …..

@Levithecat i think if you need to say something pre sex I would keep it very general rather than go into specifics. And if it felt too intimate a thing at all to have to handle with a new partner I would hold off on sex…

@Eesha hope you’re feeling better today. The heat was unbearable yesterday. I don’t see why there’s any reason for you to be angry at yourself, you’ve behaved impeccably.

I had my counsellor yesterday, for the first time in three weeks. She urged me to slow things down a bit with MrNice.. and I’m inclined to agree. He’s getting a bit carried away and although it’s always lovely to be the recipient of positive attention from someone decent, it’s at this point I usually then allow myself to get attached and then disappointed when the reality doesn’t match up or they lose interest. All the talk of ‘girlfriend’ etc at the weekend is too much and it’s making me feel slightly uncomfortable. I also have been feeling pressured to have the “what are we?” conversation but again think - isn’t this all a bit early? Can’t we just date for a while without defining it all? It’s this talk of gf/bf that’s making me think there’s an expectation of not being on apps/chatting to others etc and that in turn is making me feel like I am doing something wrong in that I’m having occasional chats still with MrM every two weeks or so and we may meet up to go for a swim/picnic when I’m back from hols. It was good to talk all this through with the counsellor as I think I find all of this really hard to navigate and feel a lot of shame in articulating what I want.

Be really interested to hear what your counsellor has to say about that, @ibelieveinmirrorballs - I can envisage that happening with me too. Hope MrNice is open to chilling things a bit, he should be if he’s MrNice but can also understand someone wanting to know where things are going. Tricky path to tread and the shame is important to explore isn’t it.

thanks for comments on the prolapse… I know part of me thinks I shouldn’t be having sex with someone I couldn’t talk to it about but I do want that fun not too many strings attached sex. Might have to just try it and see how it goes. It’s definitely more my own feelings about it, my ex never noticed anything (but I wasn’t self conscious with him)

ibelieveinmirrorballs

aha so Mr M is lurking
can I ask
would you get sexual with him if you met up ?

it’s ok to want to slow things down with mr nice especially as summers coming and busy times and LIFE

bit be very careful you are being 100% honest with yourself !
you seem to have mixed feelings around his ardent wooing I’ve noticed

Effectively @Thisisworsethananticpated because of difficult childbirth my cervix much is lower and has pushed some of my vaginal wall out. It feels icky and heavy

@Levithecat Does your prolapse protrude all the time or just sometimes?
If its not all the time would different sexual positions work and it wouldn't be as obvious.

Some men will be dicks about it and some will be fine, you need to be prepared for either reaction.

@Eesha Embrace the sadness, although I'm positive and upbeat and know splitting was the right thing to do I am also very sad and gutted. I'm going with the flow even if it means 1 minute I'm doing great and the next I'm really sad.

Little things remind me of him, today it dawned on me that he is the only person I trusted to walk my dogs without me So when I went away a few months ago my son fed them and was at home with them but Mr K walked them for me.
I don't trust easily in life and trust even less when it comes to my dogs so this was huge for me. He loved those dogs so much it's why I trusted him. And he's just walked away even though he'd joked before that if we ever split he would want custody or visitation of them. My poor dogs have no idea about this all and its exactly the reason I wouldn't let anyone meet them in the past such as FWB.