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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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DH flipped. Feel broken

733 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:35

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

OP posts:
Geordielass1987 · 17/07/2022 11:37

What did the brothers wife do? I think we need to know that? Hope you’re ok op, sounds scary.

Orangesandlemons77 · 17/07/2022 11:38

It sounds a nightmare, the way he behaved was terrible. Can i ask was he drinking?

Amipreg1 · 17/07/2022 11:38

He's not a lovely bloke. That's clear to see.
I couldn't stay with him after this. Your poor Mum.

Unanananana · 17/07/2022 11:38

'Lovely bloke' my arse.

There is only one cunt here. Its him.

TibetanTerrah · 17/07/2022 11:39

Nope. This is so far past unforgivable it's madness. He called both you and your mum a cunt and threatened to hit you both, smashed the place up, upset the kids, locked you out of the bedroom, manipulated you about the wedding... need I go on?

It would be game over. Sorry, but there's no getting past this. He's traumatised your kids and you are as bad as him if you stay after all that.

CheshireCats · 17/07/2022 11:39

NOT a lovely bloke.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:40

He had been drinking, yeah

My brothers wife has cheated on him, causing a lot of trauma in the family. she also stole painkillers from my mum to feed an addiction she had. He just cant stand her

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 17/07/2022 11:40

This is your home and your mother's home so she should be ok about inviting her own son to the house?

AlisonDonut · 17/07/2022 11:41

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:40

He had been drinking, yeah

My brothers wife has cheated on him, causing a lot of trauma in the family. she also stole painkillers from my mum to feed an addiction she had. He just cant stand her

Quite a drip feed that!

Perhaps he thinks that she is going to also steal from you all whilst you are out.

Perple · 17/07/2022 11:41

Odd definition of lovely bloke you got there.

you should report to the police and get him removed the house.

but I am willing to bet you won’t.

you will put him before your children.

i very much hope I’m wrong.

kerosene20 · 17/07/2022 11:41

OH my god. Poor you and your poor kids. I would be going to LTB to be honest. And your poor mum. Your kids will never ever forget this. Big hugs OP.

HelenHywater · 17/07/2022 11:41

He's not a lovely bloke. He's awful. And it doesn't matter what the brother's wife did. That's just horrendously abusive behaviour. Not normal at all.

You need to chuck him out - even if you can't see it, your kids need protecting from it. Your poor mum.

Ilikewinter · 17/07/2022 11:42

Oh my god, wow bloody wow...ok so maybe you shouldnt have invited them over but seeing as though your mum lives with you then surely she is allowed to have visitors?

Anyway thats all besides the point, your DH is massively out of order, does he often go off like this, as this is a massive reaction to something thats really not a big deal.

You have a big decision to make now, personally I could never forgive him for what hes done and the way hes spoken to you and your family and the way hes acted infront of your kids.

I would be using today whilst hes out to get things straight in my mind and plan for a for divorce .

FrazzleDazz · 17/07/2022 11:42

Is he out of the house at the moment? Are you mum and kids safe? If so do not let him back in and call the police if needed when he returns. I know you say he's a "lovely bloke" but I've heard of a lovely bloke threatening violence, destroying property, scaring his kids and abusing everyone. It is absolutely not acceptable. Don't you dare let him make you think because you didn't tell him something his reaction is your fault. Yes he has the right to be annoyed if things are that strained with SIL. He absolutely does not have the right to behave in a violent threatening manner.

Relaxalotl · 17/07/2022 11:42

As others have said, he does not in any way sound like a 'lovely bloke'. Does he react like this often when something displeases him?

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:43

I know!!! I'm so sad this morning. I just can't believe how he reacted.

OP posts:
Unanananana · 17/07/2022 11:43

Did he drive drunk back to your house?

upupstuck · 17/07/2022 11:44

20 years is a long time and I note that this is out of character, but without an extremely apologetic tone, an agreement that he will seek some help and never drink again, I would leave this man in the dust. A lovely man does not do this. Poor you and your poor kids. This must have been deeply traumatic and he doesn't seem to have acknowledged that. Dreadful man.

FrazzleDazz · 17/07/2022 11:44

*never heard!

EnterFunnyNameHere · 17/07/2022 11:44

Geordielass1987 · 17/07/2022 11:37

What did the brothers wife do? I think we need to know that? Hope you’re ok op, sounds scary.

I can't really imagine anything she did would merit the level of verbal aggression and threats of physical violence that resulted!

OP, you shouldn't be forgiving or forgetting this. There is no excuse for this behaviour - even if your SiL had done something unbelievably terrible him going off the rails like this is not the rationale response of a loving partner!

spotcheck · 17/07/2022 11:45

He assaulted you AND your mum AND doesn’t allow your sister in law/ your children’s aunt in the house.

What made me absolutely furious is that you tried to play it down to your children AND APOLOGISED TO YOUR HUSBAND.

Mate, what are you doing? If you think this is worth apologising over then I think he has really done a number on you. What example are you setting for your children?

R1408 · 17/07/2022 11:45

He is not a lovely bloke!

Regardless of anything your sil every did, regardless of whether you or your mum should have invited her over, there is NO justification for his behaviour.

You can't forgive this. What he did to your children, your mother and you is unforgivable.

TibetanTerrah · 17/07/2022 11:45

Hilarious really. What he's done is far worse than the SIL!

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:45

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Alcohol made it worse.

OP posts:
lifeturnsonadime · 17/07/2022 11:46

That behaviour is dreadful.

Why does the fact that your SIL had an affair excuse him calling you and your mother a cunt, in front of your children, and damaging property and threatening violence?

He is not a nice person at all.

You're conning yourself. He's violent and has an alcohol problem.

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