DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

Hope you're doing okay OP. 💐

Who tf appointed you as thread moderator?

Oh hold on ... no-one.

You don't get to tell other posters when to stop posting.

Especially when what they are posting is reasonable, pertinent and not offensive.

@billy1966 - your words really resonated there. Thankyou

Read you recent reply op.and bunch all your other post to see all.rwad them through.read as if from your son in his future....read as if written by someone you love...i hope they floor you.if they don't there is way more urgent help you need.
See your boys reactions on going.building inside of them.teaching them.rewiring their own vulnerable pathways. Hurting them.confusing them.marking them.
To say your angry.but didn't to me seem in any way sensed to get out. Change things.maybw I'm wrong.god I hope so.
Please don't let this stay.
Don't wait for next time.
Don't even live like this because of all the previous times.
Please get out.
Plus,surely his reaction his shock at you disabling him,at you leaving his controlled side shows you all u needed to no.

Oh OP this is so sad.

It reminds me in a way of the life I used to have. I was with my DH for almost 25 years. Most of the time he was great, but sometimes he was awful, and the awful times got more and more. He would lose his temper, shout, swear, then it gravitated to the odd head lock, twisting my arm behind my back and shoving. But I nrvef saw it as abusive because he didn't slap or punch me. Even now a good few years later I find myself excusing it, not seeing it was DV as it didn't happen regularly etc, but it was and what happened to you was abusive also.

He WILL get worse, these occasions will be one more frequent. I used to grovel, apologise just to get things back on an even keel again and each time I did I hated myself for being so weak. I sense you feel the same so good for you for sticking to your guns this time and not going with him to the wedding,

There is no excuse for how he treated you, your kids and your poor mum. It's disgusting . Please leave OP, if not for you then for your children. My son was 11 when I finally left, I snapped one day, I left my home with just my hand bag and my son and had to start totally anew but 8 years on I am so much happier and at peace. My son is grateful I left, it was hard for him at the time and the six months after were pretty torrid but it was short term pain for long term gain.

Did your future, your kids future, please leave him. It will not improve .

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this but glad you are getting away.
There is NO excuse for the way he has behaved

Sorry this has happened to you op. Hope you're ok. All I can add is that when all is said and done nothing justifies his behaviour and how far he went.

OMG OP, he was annoyed with you for leaving him in the hotel and not having anyone to tickle him to sleep, or was he hinting that he’s not trustworthy? Imagine other poor sucker ending up with him, perhaps a good match for Beauty.
Either way, hope you are enjoying the sea air by now, getting clarity and being supported by your friend - & Mum enjoying time away too.

OP you sound lovely - nurturing and giving. Your DP will soon realize what he has lost and I'm sure your children will be a great support to you if you choose to end this toxic relationship. Wishing you all the best

How are you doing, OP? I hope you're ok x

How are you op x

Hi

We're ok. We went away for a few days, me and the kids. Then we came home. DH has apologised to everyone and acknowledged his behaviour as wrong. He doesn't know why he flips like this but is apparently willing to attend anger management counselling.

Me? Numb. I feel trapped and paralysed. I honestly dont even know where to begin, our lives are so, so entwined. The kids have been crying, saying they miss their dad (when we were away)... so how the HELL can i leave him?

I didn't post an update because I'm ashamed to have done nothing yet, in spite of all the advice given here.

I'm now in a position where kids are happy and normal again, and DH is bending over backwards to prove he is sorry etc.

I'm unhappy but i honestly feel i have no choice at the mo but to carry on.

You always have a choice.

At this age of course your kids still idolise their dad. What do you think they'll say in the future when they find out he threatened you, tried to swing stuff at your head, called their grandmother a cunt and threatened her too?

It'll get turned on them as they get older and they'll either fight back and serious damage will occur, or he'll break and cow them the way he's trying to break and cow you. They'll be traumatised either way.

Wise words from @ReneBumsWombats . As your kids get older and hit the teenage years, he will turn his behaviour on them, unless he's serious about dealing with it.

Tread carefully.

OP - im new to the thread but I’ve read your posts - am I misunderstanding - did he hit your mum or have I misread?

OP,

Of course your situation is very difficult and leaving can take time.

I think the realisation as to how seriously awful his behaviour has been, has registered with you, and that is great progress.

Don't waste your energy on beating yourself up, just try to create a plan for a better future.

This is not a good man.

But you realising how wrong his behaviour is, would be a huge step.

Your children need you to parent and for you to know what is best for them, ahead of what they know themselves.

I think focusing on detaching from your husband emotionally will help you.

Separate bedrooms would give you some space if possible.

I think calling the police the next time this happens would be wise.

Start planning in your head what a life apart would look like, so that you don't feel so overwhelmed the next time.

You and your children deserve better.

His words are so cheap.
Actions are what count.

Calling the police is the best thing you can do the minute he kicks off next.

Long before it gets to a stage where you have sobbing children.

I think to this end calling 101 and asking for a marker on your address would be wise.

I really wish you strength.

Please talk to your GP about some counselling for your boys.

@Mamato3boysand2dogs please do not be ashamed at all. You have made progress and you didnt give in and he has acknowledged he went to far. These things do not happen overnight

I left an abusive marriage but every situation is different.
Follow through with the anger management. He’s said he’ll attend, make this a condition of you staying. It’s very little to demand.
Make an exit plan, make sure you have money, build up as much as you can in your own account. Know someone that you can go to any short notice, taking the children of course. Yes they’ll cry and be upset but if you have to leave, you have to leave and you can explain that to them. One calm, considerate parent who puts the children first is far better than two where one is volatile, violent any day of the week.
Never stay if you feel you are in danger. I speak from experience. Good luck.

@Maytodecember thats really good advice

I’m willing to bet the counselling will never happen and the same pattern will repeat on loop.

I feel for you OP - this is so hard. But your relationship is a blueprint for your children,your DH’s behaviour will affect them and their future relationships deeply.

@Mamato3boysand2dogs you have nothing to be ashamed of. @Maytodecember gives excellent advice- please use the resources and support from refuge.org.uk to help.

They actively support woman during the whole process and can work with you, secretly, so that if / when you need to / choose to leave you can do so safely and in a planned way.

You're not a bad mother to stay for now. Contrary to what some people here will say, it can take time to get things in order and "just leave" isn't always that simple.

What you can do now is start laying the groundwork so that if he doesn't attend anger management or if he has another outburst, then you are able to leave safely.

Be wary of him using the children to manipulate you.

Your numbness is a normal response and you don't have to do anything immediately as you're all safe. Your children will be much more settled about you or him leaving when it's thought through, so don't worry too much about them being upset now. It's been a scary few days for them.

Nothing about this situation is your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You're a good mum and your actions so far have been protective of you, your children and your mum.

Come back to the advice on this thread as often as you need, or post again. We're here for you.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. Plan. And don't let him off the hook. 💐

All of this is excellent advice. OP, breathe, then consider your next step 💐

Copying part of an excellent post from another thread:

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · Today 23:19

Seconding anyone who has mentioned Prof Jane Monckton Smith's 8 step pathway from domestic abuse to killing.

^www.theguardian.com/society/2021/feb/21/jane-monckton-smith-in-control-domestic-abuse-murder-public-protection^

^www.bbc.com/news/uk-49481998^

Is he bending over backwards? Time to test this while it’s fresh op so you have a healthier normal to work with. Invite db and sil over because 1. It’s your house too and you will no longer be dictated to in it and 2. Sil didn’t terrify her kids and threaten to beat up her partner or a 70yo. He no longer has any right to judge.

I'm sorry I don't think that's good as advice. The priority here is their safety and doing this is like a red rag to a bull, as proven by the opening post.