DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

5 times on 20 years, so a out once every four years.

Please leave him

He sounds vile.

What do you want to happen now then @Mamato3boysand2dogs ?

You feel upset and ill, so first you need to recuperate yourself a bit first.

Do you feel you can carry on with your marriage as though nothing has happened?

Your DH sounds like a bully.

This is awful Op.
I can't imagine staying with anyone who treated my mum like that!

If this is truly a one off incident then he needs to be trotting off to the doctors and find out what's going on. Because that shit isnt normal. You cannot have it around your dc.

If it isnt well you know what you neef to do. Your dc can't remove themselves from a situation. The only person who can is you. Start making them your priority.

I don't want to scare you but if you want to keep your children then you need to get your husband out of the house. Social services are not going to happily leave kids in a home where the dad drinks and smashes things up and is violent towards both mum and gran.

Now you shouldn't invite someone into the house when you've agreed not to but his reaction was way ott. I also don't quite understand why he hates sil so much - her behaviour doesn't sound worse than his all things considered. I'm wondering if there's more to his dislike than he's admitting to.

Your husband has somehow managed to convince you that he's a lovely bloke and this behaviour is an aberration but this really isn't true - lovely men don't behave like this, they just don't.

Well, your brother and mother have forgiven SIL for what she did to them. Your DH can't forgive something that was not done to him?

You and the kids walk on eggshells and you persist in defending him, even here where so many would help you make significant changes to your quality of life.

I hope you can start to make some adjustments that help you, your kids, your mum, get out of what sounds like a difficult and violent situation.

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

this is absolutely abhorrent, what a disgusting abusive childhood you’re both inflicting on your kids, this scumbag needs to be in jail. Did you not report the scum to the police for any of the episodes?

I imagine he can't forgive the sil as she's a woman, who got out of line.

I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells.

Me and my sisters are all damaged by it.

“He is actually a lovely bloke”

Lovely blokes don’t EVER smash things up, call their mother in laws “fat cunt”, threaten physical violence or make their families fear for them losing their temper.

Not EVER.

If anyone scared and upset my kids like that and they would feel my FURY. There is no excuse for what he did. None. Not your SIL. Not alcohol.
Why on earth would you apologise to someone who put your children through that?

What did I do?

Married a bullying, violent, misogynistic piece of shite, apparently, and then APOLOGISED to him after he terrorised your family.

My brothers wife has cheated on him, causing a lot of trauma in the family. she also stole painkillers from my mum to feed an addiction she had. He just cant stand her. And your brother presumably forgave her, as they're still married. And your mother preesumably forgave her, as she wanted to invite her to lunch - at the house where SHE lives. And yet your husband - who apparently hasn't really suffered directly from these actions of his wife's brother's wife - is the real victim and it's all about him.

.... i cant see how to forgive and forget. How can you possibly forgive (not saying you should) if he still thinks his behaviour was right and refuses to apologise for it or even discuss it like a grown-up, but continues to passive-aggressively punish you and the whole family? (AFTER actively assaulting you.) And no, of course you won't forget. No one will.

Pehaps he's an alcoholic. Pehaps he's had some kind of psychotic break. If you think that's the case, tell him to leave the house and start getting whatever help he needs. But please don't excuse and enable him; it isn't fair to anyone.

In what universe is he a lovely bloke? Please seek some help to get all of you away from him, your poor kids must be living in fear of his outbursts.

I'm new here and see a lot of posts advising LTB etc. etc. and sometimes think maybe there's a better solution...having read your first post and then your subsequent one saying your life is like walking on egg shells because he's tired and moody at the best of times, I think you should take steps to leave him....I just can't imagine how awful life must be for you and worst of all your children living in this sort of environment day after day....he needs to seek help IMO and spend some time on his own trying to iron out his issues not drag you all down with him.

That’s not ok. He’s a cunt, and setting a terrible example to your DCs. Please do them a huge favour and show them that behaviour is not to be tolerated. They shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells to avoid angering a grown man who may swear and smash things up as punishment.

I know this because I left a similar man after 9 years recently when he started behaving like this. it’s been very hard and of course I miss him, but I won’t live like that.

He’d done it a few times in the early days and I’d always forgiven it thinking it was somehow my fault, just how men are etc but after a few years with no similar incidents he did again and I realised how far over the line of acceptable this stuff is.

If you have boys you don’t want them acting this way, and if you have girls you don’t want them thinking that this is ok for their boyfriends or husbands to act this way.

I’m actually sadistically almost looking forward to a time when XP’s daughters are subjected to similar from their partners (their mum is also with a string of violent men so sadly it seems inevitable that their kids will tolerate this shit) and he has to see it from an outside perspective when it’s his precious girls as the victim and not me. Wonder if he’ll join the dots?

There will be 999 posts telling the OP to leave him for dust and she'll continue to excuse his abusive behaviour and allow her children to have shitty childhoods. Why did you post, OP?

Fairly obvious there is a backstory here as only women who have been abused describe their partner or husband as normally lovey in the aftermath of what we they’ve shared here.

his behaviour is unforgivable on so many levels and it is also dangerous. It’s also anything but lovely.

get this abusive scumbag out of your lives

I feel sad for you and your kids
He's thrust you into a situation you didn't ask for and should not ignore.
Honestly he should be gone but I know how easy it is to say that.
Keep talking on the thread, you will have lots of support on here.
I'm sorry I know how shitty and confused you just feel

Sorry just noticed from your name that you have boys. You don’t want them growing up to copy him. Show them now and do both them and their future partners a huge favour by stopping it here.

Why on earth did you apologize to him? Could you not have stayed at the hotel with the kids?
Has he apologized to your children as well as you and your mother?? I'm just not sure that I could forgive such awful threatening frightening behaviour which your children witnessed. They will never forget am incident like that.

OP, you're deluding yourself if you think he'll get any better. He's done this 5 times.

For context, DP is genuinely an absolute star. However, when he did drink 1 out of 10 times he would take slight at things and become argumentative. The other 9 times a jollier version of himself. After 2 instances (no smashing, just argumentative and I felt on edge) many years ago I told him he had to stop drinking or move on. He stopped drinking. He wasn't a huge drinker, once every 2-4 weeks, so it probably wasn't too difficult. He now enjoys a non-alcogolic Erdinger (delicious if anyone fancies trying it).

The crucial point is that I was too important, more important than alcohol. You need to be more important.

Quite simple Op, if anyone had treated my DM like that I would call the police on them. How you could apologise to him I'll never know!

Send him a text and tell him not to contact you or come home for at least 3 days. Tell him if he tries to that you will call the police. His behaviour was totally unacceptable. He is out of control. Your duty is to protect yourself, children and your mum from his abuse. Keep the doors locked and with a chain if you can. Show him he crossed a line and don't be too quick to forgive.

definitely keep posting
it isn’t easy to leave an abusive partner but myself and many others have and so can you.
but you will need help and support to do it.

You say in your OP that he’s a lovely bloke and this is out of character and he isn’t violent.

However, smashing things up five times in 20 years is violent behaviour…even if you wouldn’t count it as a pattern or his normal behaviour. It still shows he is capable of it and indeed does it and around children at that!

I would classify my husband as a lovely bloke…the amount of times he’s smashed things up in our 17 years…zero! He would also never call me the c word…let alone in front of our son!

The fact that you are the one feeling bad and apologising says it all to me! He’s dragged so many people into a dispute that is not theirs and has behaved abhorrently to incident people. I can’t tell you what to do but if it was me, I would be leaving him today, I could not subject my child to that kind of walking on eggshell behaviour!