DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

did your sil cheat with your husband? His recation to her seems completely over the top in the circumstances. I'd be suspecting there is more than he is telling you. He is vial and abusive you need to protect your family and leave.

He is disgusting and you would be insane to stay with him. He threatened you and your mum, assaulted you, and ABANDONED HIS KIDS. All because he wasn't in control for once. He needs to be gone. No discussions needed.

"Only smashed up things 5 times"

😳

I hope once you’ve escaped you you can look back and see what your SIL did is really inconsequential- in fact, I think he’s projecting there. But that’s another story.

he isn’t a really lovely bloke - he’s a terrifying nightmare who bullies you, your kids, your mum, your brother…

ignore the apologist upthread. 🙄

You obviously already know that his behaviour is totally unacceptable.
He abandoned you and your children to walk home.
He threatened you and swung a bag at your head.
He 'drunk drove' home.
He smashed a glass door.
He called you and your mother c*nts.
He's now backtracking wanting you to carry on as normal at the wedding...

Apart from how you feel, are you happy that your children see this behaviour as being acceptable? If you carry on a normal, you are effectively condoning it.
Do you want them to grow up to treat people like this or be treated in this way?

I agree that your husband has a right to his opinions and to live as he sees fit in his home. If you were aware how strong his views were on this subject it was naive to think he would never find out. However, this is absolutely NO EXCUSE for his reaction.

What you do now is obviously up to you.
You do need to talk with your mother about boundaries that are acceptable to all if she is living with you.
It is hard if she is told 'the wife' can not visit 'her home' - is this living situation feasible on a long term basis?

The situation has come to a head - probably been brewing for longer than you imply / assume.
Don't brush over it, deal with the situation and the fallout now before it happens again or gets worse.

All the best.

You appear to be blaming everyone except him for his appalling abusive behaviour and physical violence.

Stop minimising. Chuck him out.

Your poor, poor children.

You were wrong but the way your DH reacted is totally out of proportion.

Tbh I'd be making plans to leave him , if that's how he behaves over something so minor he'd probably commit murder for a real issue

It’s important that you know OP, your children will not forgive you staying with their dad and putting them through this. They’ll blame you just as much as they blame him.

Use that to give yourself the resolve you need to ask him to leave and mean it.

I’d ask him say somewhere else fr a while your kids and your mum need to recover from this. Your mum shouldn’t have invited them over, if she wanted to see the they could have met up at a pub or a park. But his his reaction was totally over the top, the violence, swearing, punching doors, leaving you and the kids stranded. I couldn’t trust him not to do it again.
He only wants you at the wedding to save face, to avoid awkward questions with your absence.,
We have a toxic family member, she’s a has caused many incidents over the years, I won’t even be in the same room as her. The wider family feel they same as me,How would I feel if another family member invited her to my home without asking me? I’d be annoyed but I’d be really disappointed to find my DH knee and went along with it and forgot to mention it. I’d let them know how much but I wouldn’t behave like him.
However, I’d certainly reconsider letting my mother in law live with me. If she wants a relationship with her son &!DIL she can do it somewhere else.

I cannot see how that behaviour would be in character for ' a lovely bloke,' I can get being a bit angry he'd been deceived and having a bit of a sulk, sleeping in spare room or sofa etc but to call you and your mum that and be so physically violent and intimidating is never acceptable.

Oh OP

he is NOT a lovely bloke

if you are a lovely bloke 99% of the time, and the other 1% you are a violent aggressive areshole…. That does not add up to lovely. The 1% spoils the 99%

and you are accepting it. You also drag your mum and kids into a life with this pillock

these threads are so depressing

if my DH ever raised a fist a my mum, it would be curtains. That is a boundary that cannot be crossed

don’t accept this

lovely bloke my arse!

Never mind sad you should be putting your children first and moving him out . He's dangerous

So essentially you and your children have been appeasing this angry, violent man for years, in hopes of avoiding such a scene.

And then one day, someone 'disobeys' his rules and all hell is let loose.

He's not a lovely man.

So…in actual fact you sister in law has done absolutely nothing to him personally whatsoever, but he’s using it as an excuse to be angry and abusive? This is so toxic and a terrible example to your children. You can set a better example by kicking him out.

That's 5 times too many. I've been with my husband 20 years and he's never smashed anything in anger. In fact I can't remember him ever even raising his voice. You need to raise your bar.

OP you say in 20 years he's gone mad and smashed things up...you do know this is not normal behaviour.

I can understand him being angry about the situation, but his behaviour is fucking awful.

Your poor Mum and children 😢

He IS violent, OP. He isn't going to change. Your children are witnessing this and I'm sorry to say, it needs to be on you to get them out of harm's way.

Nobody is going to normalise this for you and your mum must be out of her mind worried about you and your children.

The first question I was going to ask is whether this was totally out of the blue or were there signs he could get to this point.

There were signs. He's someone with a terrible temper and as you e pointed out cannot stand anyone to have a different POV to him.

Id be asking him to leave and reporting this to the police as evidence of his abuse.

Smashing things up 5 times in 20 years isn't OK. I've been with my husband 22 years and neither of us has smashed anything or called each other or anyone else a cunt.

He's not a good bloke, I bet if you actually examined your relationship in depth, you'd be able to recall lots of times he has behaved badly but it was just glossed over.

It's easy to say as an outsider, but you should really think about whether you are in a good relationship or you're just used to the bad treatment now?

Think about what your kids are learning about relationships from you, what would you say to your kids if they were in a relationship like yours?

God, I hate posts like this. You have no intention of leaving this 'lovely bloke' so what is the point? Clearly the damage to your children is an acceptable trade off to you so what is it you are wanting from this post?
Your DHs reaction to your SIL is bizarre. Your brother, who is the one affected by her behaviour, stayed with her so your DH made it all about him? WTF? Your mother cannot have visitors in her home because your DH says so? And you allow this?

What is it you think you are teaching your children by allowing someone to speak to you AND your mother the way your dh did? To treat you AND them the way he did?

Those poor children.

And it isn’t your sister in laws fault ( “she’s been an idiot in the past”). What she did is non of your husbands business. It is ridiculous of him to ban her from the house. Your mum should be able to invite her son and daughter in law to lunch at the house she lives in.

Your husband is an awful, awful man

There is NOTHING to justify his behaviour or to stay.

Your children are being psychologically harmed by their DFs behaviour, don't kid yourself otherwise. I know they are because my DF was exactly the same. I'm damaged and psychologically scarred despite years of therapy because of it. Please get out immediately.

Aha. When you said it was out of character and he is normally a lovely bloke, I guessed your definition of normal and lovely would be skewed.

Honestly, OP, this is not normal. You and your kids and your mum shouldn't have to live like this. Even without this most recent event, walking on eggshells is no way to live.

I hope you find the courage to boot him out. Sending all the strength you need

Oh Jesus. You walk on eggshells to avoid his temper, that seems to be how you manage to see him as 'lovely', he's not. As soon as something displeases him his temper sets in. And with alarming consequences. Unless he seriously gets help he shouldn't be allowed around you and the kids. Do you reallt want to live walking on eggshells for the rest of your life?

@DoElephantsHaveWrinkles or the OP realises she pretty much does everything her DH tells her to so that he doesn’t get angry. He completely rules the roost. Likewise the children probably live in fear