DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

The problem is not you brother or his wife, the problem is your husband. You need to get rid of him ASAP to bring peace back to your family. Plus he sounds like a dangerous man. Why do you put up
with him?

I was going to say that he can’t possibly be a lovely bloke and that I was sure he’d lost his temper before, then I saw your latest post. He sounds EXACTLY like my stepfather. Exactly. Perhaps every couple of years he would completely lose the plot, in a frightening way. In between times his moods dictated everyone else’s.

I bet he can be the life of the party? Kind and generous? I bet also, that his moods can do a complete 180 if something, or someone, triggers him?

it got to the point that I knew he was going to ‘blow’ several days before it happened. He was just looking for an excuse. Someone to blame. He is a hateful man and I’m pissed off the bastard won’t die.

Jesus Christ no. What in gods name. He sounds horrendous. Do you want him to subject your kids to this years down the line because I guarantee he will.

Given that your DB has reconciled with his wife, I don’t understand why she isn’t allowed in your house. But since that is the agreement, sneaking her in wasn’t on. Your mum is in some sense living with you as a dependent rather than an equal policy maker and should have met them elsewhere.

In no way does this excuse your husband’s behaviour. The police should have been called at the time, and he needs to go.

You were wrong but he is abusive.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds awful. You have done nothing to deserve this.
You need to leave this man. Apart from this appalling behaviour, treading on eggshells is no way to live.

Any human on this earth who made my children cry in fear would be dead to me. Calling my mother a cunt, ditto.

This man shouldn't be living in a family home, he should be in prison with the other violent criminals.

Run far and as fast away from this person as you can.

This.

We have 3 boys (2 older teens) and I truly think that the lack of alcohol in our house (I don't drink either, i just dont like it, no big reason) balances the messages they are bombarded with in society about how excessive drinking (and the subsequent fall-out of unacceptable behaviour which is condoned) is acceptable.

So he's done this 5 times?
He's an abuser, a ticking time bomb.
I'd be calling the police and getting my children away from him.
Op you are in an abusive relationship and can't see it. Please please speak to rise or women's aid.

If you don't leave this violent abusive man, you are massively letting your kids down and not prioritising their safety and mental health.

That is all.

Your mum should have called the police.

He's not a nice man, this is not the first time according to you. You walk on eggshells and he's had several explosive and violent outbursts over the years. You're so scared of him you're asking strangers on the internet how to appease him.

His reaction to your brother's wife is so out of proportion that I would wonder what is really going on here. Has he had an affair with her too?

She's your brother's wife. Not even his brother's wife. There is something very fishy about the level of his rage, frankly.

OP it's very hard to see just how bad things are when you are still living with an abuser. As sadly for you all he is abusive. Women's aid made things a lot clearer for me. The rights and wrongs for the trigger event are a side show. The behaviour he displayed is frightening and very damaging for you all.

Doesn't matter what his reasons are for not liking the SIL, there is NO excuse for speaking to you or your mum like that or leaving you and the kids stranded.

The only think you should be doing is packing his bags whilst he's out. He's a waste of fucking space and you'd all be better off without him.... CUNT!!!!

I grew up in a household where 'walking on eggshells' was the commonplace. My father took out his shitty life on his family, basically. You're not doing your children any favours but I get it's a complicated situation.
Just bear this in mind--your children will develop a high threshold for violence and abuse from their own partners. In other words, they won't leave if slapped, threatened, or had their home trashed by their partner, and they may become violent themselves.
Abuse comes in many forms.

This is not normal and he is not lovely.

I never once saw my father drunk, smash things up, act aggressively. We never had to walk on eggshells around him - because he actually WAS a lovely man. Same for my DP - because I grew up with a decent man, I expect the same of my own partner.

Kids shouldn't have to live in such a stressful atmosphere, even if you're prepared to put up with it.

Do you have somewhere to go? Your mums? Do you have friends, or has he alienated them too?

Im baffled as to why your husband is so concerned about your brothers relationship. If your brother wants to forgive her cheating as many many adults do, what’s it got to do with his brother in law??? Really strange, I can’t imagine being so angry that she would be banned from my home, that I would abuse my entire family and MIL over it. He can’t use alcohol as an excuse because he was sober today when he called your mum a fat cunt for telling you he threatened her??? Did he expect her to stay quiet. I’m sorry what he has done is 1000 times worse than your brother being cheated on. He’s threatened to beat an elderly woman, your mother!! Scared his children, they are at an age they will remember this forever. I’m sorry but there is no going back to him. Also never ever ever apologise again for allowing your mother to have her son and partner visit her IN HER HOME when you are out.

He does not deserve you in his life. Protect your family and that no longer includes him 😕

You've spent 20 years tiptoeing around an abusive husband and coercing your kids to do the same. What your sister in law did is of no concern, he is using it as an excuse to throw his weight around and control your contact with your family. Cheating/swinging for your wife, what's worse? He certainly has zero high ground.

You need help to remove yourself and your children from this situation, that is clear, because you can't see how deep the shit you're sitting in actually is. They can, and they will never forgive you if you continue to protect him by apologising, and not them.

Please contact Womens Aid, here is a link to their chat service. They will support you and hopefully be able to give you a reality check, and a plan.

He is a disgrace.

He has "only" smashed the place up 5 times in 20 years because that was what it took to keep you in your place. Normally you are walking on eggshells so things suit him just fine.
But if he thinks maybe you're not staying in your place, he shows you what the consequences are. The unspoken message is that the violence will next be directed at you.

Are you really going to let this pass? You should be calling the police now.

Your children are growing up to think this horrific behaviour is acceptable and that will affect them all their lives. I speak from experience.

Your kids need you to protect them. Step up.

Do we?! Who cares?

Op - why on earth did you want to apologise and go to the wedding after he mentally and physically abused both you and your mother?

Why the long story about the brothers wife, who cares.

You are married to and have children with an abusive man. Leave.

I would pack a bag and drop it with a member of his family whilst he out today. Text him after the wedding meal and say as his behaviour was so thoroughly unacceptable and frightening yesterday that if he contacts you, your mother or the children for the next few weeks you will call the police. Then turn off everyones phones.

Ask a male relative to come and sleep on the sofa tonight. Possibly call the police in advance and let them know you expect trouble and get a flag put on your address.

Then think long and hard about how living with someone capable of this is going to effect you all if you let him back in.

So this behaviour is not out of character then.

Your SIL could be Myra bloody Hindley and that still wouldn't be justification for his violent outburst.