DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

You’re going to stay with him aren’t you?

Your poor kids.

Why are you apologising to him?

You may choose to minimise his abusive behaviour and take the blame, but your children will have been through hell - and still be going through hell.

I experienced this sort of raging shit from my dad as a kid. It’s inexcusable and it damages children.

A person who has smashed things up maybe 5 times is a violent person.

He's violent and abusive.

Make this time the last time then! Next time you or your mum might get a punch in the face (or worse).

You need to prioritise your children and get out of this relationship.

No we don’t it’s irrelevant in relation to his abhorrent behaviour. This is just wanting the extra gossip rather than posting advice and support.

I would be considering asking him to move out. He threatened you in front of your children and threatened a 70 year old woman. At the least this is significant emotional abuse

God, your poor kids growing up being dragged up around this. You should have left him the first time.

He crossed so many lines I’d be building a wall on that line and keep it there. Get rid.

I was going to ask how he got home.

Does your mum live with you or do you live with her, as in who owns the house?

Updated opinion: leave him. Protect your children (and yourself/mum).

My brothers wife has cheated on him, causing a lot of trauma in the family. she also stole painkillers from my mum to feed an addiction she had. He just cant stand her your dh has made it all about him. IMO his behaviour in reaction to her was much worse than your sil's original crime. I think your marriage needs to be over, your children can't ever be under the impression that this is how adults behave in relationships.

Your poor poor children, being exposed to this horrific behaviour. And your poor mum too .

You need to end this relationship. No matter who was in your house, that behaviour is absolutely and totally unacceptable.

She could have killed his favourite puppy - still no excuse for threatening you and his elderly MIL and frightening his children to death.

You apologised to him?!

That alone tells me this is an abusive relationship, not a one off incident.

Your husband abandoned his wife and children 1.5 miles away from transport, threatened his elderly MiL with violence, swore and screamed at her, you and your kids, smashed things up... presumably drove drunk, kept up this level of aggression for quite a while...

and you apologised?

Sweetheart you need a reset. This is appalling.

What your brother, wife and mum did is of no relevance here.

Women's Aid - tell them what you told us and they will be able to give the best advice. Smashing things even once is abusive. Protect your kids and your 70 year old mum. You'll have to be the strong one. It's not fair - but it's not your fault.

Your poor kids.

OP he is an abusive man. He is the opposite of lovely. This must be an awful life for you and an awful childhood for your kids.

You need to take a long hard look at your situation and what you can do to change it.

I am sorry you are having such a rough time.

This would be game over for my marriage OP, unless there are some very very very extreme circumstances that caused him to completely flip out, for example a severe mental health breakdown. I said and did some bad things just before I was diagnosed with psychosis for example. It wasn’t me. Now I don’t think that’s the case with your husband, but if it was, that I would be able to move on from if he was very apologetic and the GP backed him up in saying he was mentally unstable through no fault of his own.
Having said the above, I don’t think that’s the case here and it would be the end for me. Teach your children you won’t put up with this treatment or they will learn it’s okay.

I hope you are okay, or certainly that you will be. I have no idea why you’ve apologised to him. No the woman shouldn’t have been allowed into your house but everything that followed is him being an utter shit. The final straw would be how he behaved to your mum. Take a stand OP. What he did is inexcusable.

As a PP says call women's aid.

It's his house to and she's not welcome in it. You should not have let her come over without prior conversation with him.
His reaction was bad but we don't know the backstory as to why he hates your brothers wife so much.
It's not a nice thought that someone you hate is in your home enjoying themselves while you are not there.

He’s upgraded his behaviour from being destructive in the house, to being abusive and threatening violence, don’t hang around for the next stage

You need to leave him. The normal amount of times for someone to 'go mental and smash things up' in 20 years is ZERO.

Your children need to be protected from this vile, abusive, aggressive, dangerous man.

Why are you apologising? All you've done wrong is allow your mum to invite visitirs in to her home. OK, given his strength of feeling, you should question if that was sensible, but it isn't only his home, he doesn't get to dictate who you or your mum spend time with. And even if he was annoyed at SIL being in your home the normal response to that would NOT be violence, threats, insults, vile language, frightening your children and a 70 year old woman, leaving you stranded with children. Vile, vile behviour. I wouldn't stay with him a day logner, honestly.

Stop apologising. He is the one who has a LOT of apologising to do. But even that wouldn't be enough for me to stay with him.

Social services would take a very very dim view of this.

Get out and protect your children. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to protect your children and your mother, as well as yourself.

He's NOT a "lovely bloke" though is he? What your brother's wife has or hasn't done is irrelevant.
When faced with a situation he disliked he responded with physical and verbal aggression to several people, abandoned you and the kids in an unfamiliar place and ruined everybody's weekend.
These are the actions of a violent bully not a lovely bloke.
I'd strongly suggest you don't forgive it and move past it because that will give him permission to respond in this way every time something doesn't suit him.

What you should do - is call the police on 999 now whilst he is out of the home and report what he did.

They will support you in securing a Domestic Violence Protection Order which means that he will not be able to return home.

You then change the locks and apply for a restraining order and start divorce proceedings.

Nothing that your SIL has done justifies your husband being abusive and violent to you or not your mum and being violent around your children.

You've said yourself that he has smashed things up before, so this isn't the first time and it won't be the last.