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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ds11 stolen hundreds from me

263 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 16/07/2022 21:46

I don’t even know where to start.

he actually is a lovely boy, very loving, caring, helpful. My friends always commenting how sweet and kind he is.

I worked out a few months ago he tells lies. Just silly little lies but I explained how it makes me feel, how wrong lying is and how it makes the other person feel etc.

today he went to the park to play, saw someone from school who had a penknife (!) played with it, lied about it.

it’s the lies that bug me, so extravagant.

we talked to him about lying again. He promised he would never do it again.

there has been money going missing for a while. I then asked, ‘have you been steeling mummy’s money?’. He started crying and said yes. Turns out it’s about £400 I think. Spent on PlayStation vouchers, sweets and drinks for him and his friends. Been going on for months.

I am so disappointed and angry.

what would you do?

OP posts:
Doodlebud · 16/07/2022 21:51

He is 11, he should know right from wrong. Lies are one thing, and stealing is something else. I wouldn't say he was lovely at all.

What punishment is suitable for stealing hundreds of pounds? I'd suggest he does chores to pay it back, every penny.
No more trips to the park or seeing friends until it's done.

Porcupineintherough · 16/07/2022 21:52

I would make him work off the debt over the summer. 3-4 hours of jobs around the house and garden each day. And no PlayStation each day til that days work is done. And when you get to the end of the summer I'd draw a line under it.

The lying I'd not make a big deal out of, just point out that the more he does it, the less you'll be able to trust him in future.

PetalParty · 16/07/2022 21:54

Having seen a lot of boys raised around me, I am pleased you are seeing this as the very serious event it is… which must be dealt with very strongly if you do not want to create a dangerous personality for the future. I don’t want to alarm you, but getting away with major dishonesty as a child without consequences can lead to alarming personality traits.

I'm sorry this happened to you, you must be deeply shocked and very upset.

ny20005 · 16/07/2022 21:56

I have a child that lies & thinks nothing of it. It's so frustrating

I lock all money away but thanks to covid, rarely have cash anyway

I'd take the PlayStation off him & give him options to choose - he could work off the debt over time & get PlayStation back or look to sell PlayStation (although might not cover debt)

Mine kind of responds better to having some sort of choice over consequences

AHamSandwich · 16/07/2022 21:57

The PlayStation would be gone for a start. For a very long time until he's repaid what he stolen and built up you trust again fully. That won't happen overnight so he'd be told it's gone for a hike few months at least.

Assuming no special needs I'd actually consider selling it to repay what he's stolen as at that age, he's old enough to know that's a massive amount of money at the the moment.

Do you not get emails when a game ir in app purchases has been made on the PlayStation? I know parental controls on the switch and possibly the Xbox can be set so that they need the account password to the store just to redeem a voucher or for every purchase and download. If you haven't set the parental controls up to be like that I'd look into it so you at least get an email and spot when he's spent money that he doesn't have.

Are you keeping an eye on who he's chatting with and playing with on there? That they're actually people he knows because my concern would be if he's got firm for lying then he's playing online with randoms too and if you or his dad aren't watching him when he's playing online you don't know what danger or risky things he could possibly doing there.

What consequences have you already given him?

Maray1967 · 16/07/2022 21:57

First, try to find out why he did it. You need to be certain that his friends have not been demanding it and he’s not under any pressure . If he is, you need to deal with that.

If that’s not the case and he has just thought he can take it , knowing that he shouldn’t, there will need to be a hard talk about theft. You will need to make sure that he cannot access your money in any way. And then you will need to consider whether he has to pay back all or part of it via chores, sale of anything he has that is valuable, money taken from any savings he has, or goes without Christmas and/or next birthday present from you. He is old enough to know that he should not do this.

Were the tears genuine remorse? Or an attempt to avoid or mitigate your anger with him?

PetalParty · 16/07/2022 22:00

Can you be sure he wasn’t coerced by older children, for example those with the penknife? Is there a gang culture in your area? It’s not unusual for a child of your son’s age to be drawn into stuff like this. Listen and ask questions, but verify, do not believe blindly.

if he has already been exposed to knives, I personally wouldn’t let him out alone anymore and funnel him into group sports and activities that keep him entertained and exercised with no time left for hanging around in parks and street corners or playing video games.

Do you have the willingness, time, and resources to do this?

heartbroken22 · 16/07/2022 22:03

How does he have access to that money? Atleast he's told you the truth. I think you need to sit down and give your son more attention. Maybe he's struggling with life and that's why he did those things.

TheFridayRabbit · 16/07/2022 22:07

Honestly I’d be asking for professional advice rather than in here. Lying and stealing to this extent at 11 would make me very concerned. Sometimes there’s more to it than you realise such as the coercion mentioned above.

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 16/07/2022 22:09

You def need to sell his tech to get your cash back.

DogsAndGin · 16/07/2022 22:15

Christ, he’s on a slippery slope OP, and the fact he comes across as so charming is even more worrying.

Take him to the police station and ask them to have a very stern word. He is old enough to be criminally liable and doesn’t understand the importance of staying away from knives and stealing from his own mother. I’d be very worried indeed and seeking police and professional psychological advice.

The school need to very closely monitor him too, for the safety of the other pupils and hopefully to catch any further clues before it’s too late and he does something dangerous, or steals from the wrong person.

Where’s his Dad in all this?

OooErr · 16/07/2022 22:17

This seems to be a deeper issue.
Is he being coerced?
Does he get a thrill from getting away with stuff?
Also maybe he's a habitual liar?
www.healthline.com/health/pathological-liar

mathanxiety · 16/07/2022 22:21

Agree with TheFridayRabbit

What attracted him to the pen knife, I wonder.

Is he what might be called "young for his age"?

bcc89 · 16/07/2022 22:29

£400 is a lot to steal, can I ask how that's ended up happening?
From one mother to another, no judgement x

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 16/07/2022 22:29

Thank you all so much.

I am still in shock and have so many conflicting feeling about it.

my dp (his dad) is quite calm about it! Almost feels sorry for him as he is upset.

i can’t get my head around the lies and steeling. I don’t trust my son. It’s like I have met the real him. It’s awful.

maybe I should take him to the doctors?

he will be punished, I have a lot of weeding that he will be doing. Dog walking (after heatwave), dishwasher emptying etc. for weeks. I feel so uncomfortable in my feelings towards him. He isn’t 8, he’s 11.5 he knows better

OP posts:
StClare101 · 16/07/2022 22:32

Lying, stealing, playing with pen knives does not equal lovely!

The PlayStation would be gone, sold off to pay some of the debt. Then a chore plan to pay off the rest. He’d be grounded too.

Id also consider counseling. You need to get on top of this before much longer.

FunnysInLaJardin · 16/07/2022 22:32

do you give him enough money to do what he needs to do?

Misstes · 16/07/2022 22:33

Are you sure he is getting on ok at school, with friends etc. I know when I was in first year of seniors, I had trouble settling in and went through a stage of stealing out my mums purse to buy stuff to give to people so that they would be my friends. I was buying their friendships rather than be picked on. Although no where near as much as but I turned out just fine. It was just a stage.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 16/07/2022 22:34

We had (I) had Xmas money and spare cash in a cabinet that I have been meaning to take to the bank.

about £90 was his twin sisters money.

he has been taking £20 at a time or more for weeks.

he does have a fascination with knifes and guns, I can tell by YouTube history. Obviously I am not happy with this, does this have an resemblance on the steeling and lying?

OP posts:
vroom321 · 16/07/2022 22:35

He isn't lovely and caring is he. Why does he call you mummy at 11? You seem to be minimising. To get to £400 he must have been lying to you for months. Imagine what will happen when he's older. Definitely speak to the dr. Obviously he might be a nasty liar or there could be something else that he has no control of either a disability or other kids?

OooErr · 16/07/2022 22:36

Workinghardeveryday · 16/07/2022 22:34

We had (I) had Xmas money and spare cash in a cabinet that I have been meaning to take to the bank.

about £90 was his twin sisters money.

he has been taking £20 at a time or more for weeks.

he does have a fascination with knifes and guns, I can tell by YouTube history. Obviously I am not happy with this, does this have an resemblance on the steeling and lying?

I don't know but it sounds very strange. I'd be v worried.
How is your husband so calm?

RedPlumbob · 16/07/2022 22:37

Knives, guns, stealing, lying and the YT history?

Well your first mistake is not monitoring what he’s been watching.

Your second mistake will be not seeking outside, professional help immediately.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 16/07/2022 22:37

The fact that he comes across as lovely shows how manipulative he is. You need to get to the bottom of what's made him like this.
How's he stolen so much without you noticing and how does he get access to your money do easily?

bcc89 · 16/07/2022 22:38

He's gotten into a bad habit to keep going back as it wasn't noticed, and at his age, he definitely knew what he was doing. It's stealing and he knows better.

Personally, I'd sell the PlayStation and remove all technology (for a long time!!) until he shows you he can be trusted.

RedPlumbob · 16/07/2022 22:38

vroom321 · 16/07/2022 22:35

He isn't lovely and caring is he. Why does he call you mummy at 11? You seem to be minimising. To get to £400 he must have been lying to you for months. Imagine what will happen when he's older. Definitely speak to the dr. Obviously he might be a nasty liar or there could be something else that he has no control of either a disability or other kids?

My 14YO DD still calls me Mummy most of the time, fgs.