Ds11 stolen hundreds from me

[Workinghardeveryday]

I don’t even know where to start.

he actually is a lovely boy, very loving, caring, helpful. My friends always commenting how sweet and kind he is.

I worked out a few months ago he tells lies. Just silly little lies but I explained how it makes me feel, how wrong lying is and how it makes the other person feel etc.

today he went to the park to play, saw someone from school who had a penknife (!) played with it, lied about it.

it’s the lies that bug me, so extravagant.

we talked to him about lying again. He promised he would never do it again.

there has been money going missing for a while. I then asked, ‘have you been steeling mummy’s money?’. He started crying and said yes. Turns out it’s about £400 I think. Spent on PlayStation vouchers, sweets and drinks for him and his friends. Been going on for months.

I am so disappointed and angry.

what would you do?

Oh, I think you’ve made it pretty clear in your posts. We all knew families like yours growing up, they were used as an example of how things would turn out if we were the sort of people who stole.

There are also parents who would applaud this behaviour, and encourage the steeling, as long as it was outside the household next time.
There are parents like this, they are amongst us. The laid back leniency of some here does not surprise me at all. The full to bursting prisons and juvenile detention centres must have parents who produced those people. “Not my son, he’s a good boy, I won’t make a big deal of it and hurt his precious saintly feelings.” You’ll still be watching your purse and jewellery in your old age when they come to visit. Carry on. Many have made the same mistake.

I have images of children dressed a la Rees-Mogg digging ditches and doing army core drills in the rain. Is this for real?

Lot's of very dodgy moral positions being stated as parenting 'facts'.

@beautyisthefaceisee

With all due respect, something being common doesn't always make it less concerning.

Take porn for example (I was trying to think of an example of something else loads of kids are interested in that is inappropriate and toxic for them).

In 2016, a research piece from the Office of the Children’s Commissioner for England, the NSPCC and Middlesex University reported that 28% of 11-12 year olds had watched porn. Since then, the rise of smartphones and ease of finding porn online that figure is likely to have increased.

That doesn't mean a parent finding out their 11 year old is watching porn should think meh, loads of them do it so it's not that big of a deal.

Most boys into knives wont end up using them. Most boys who watch porn won't end up abusing women. Some though (many) will end up having fucked up views when it comes to sex, think that porn is a realistic representation and will see the increasing violence and degradation of women as normalised.

A parent stepping in and saying woah, this is a big topic we need to take seriously and address to help you in future is constructive, not over reacting.

I agree with this. How much is he doing around the home anyway? How much freedom does he get? He needs significantly less as he cannot be trusted.

Problem solved then- we can forget about the trauma and ACES that the research literature indicates predict juvenile crime.

Knife
Videos online obsession
Stealing
Stealing from sister
Crying on demand when caught
If it's for vouchers and online gaming that more than stealing cash too? So not just from your cash in cabinet bit from other sources!
I'd be furious.
But with the symptoms of above is the be very very worried.the gun and knife obsession adds a layer to this that's potentially horrific.

I have already posted about ruling out coercion and other causes and listening to him to get to the bottom of things. The above was written with the proviso that he stole because he fancied it, children sometimes do that without trauma, they just wanted extra, then what will you do?

I also asked what sort of time, resources, and activities the OP is prepared to put into her son to nip this in the bud, which has yet to be answered. There are obviously already issues that need to be addressed.

N/changed for this,
we had a similar thing happen when DS was 15. I was so disgusted with him - we’d always had a lovely relationship and thought I could trust him. I made him pay back the stolen money from his own money (inherited money left to him from his DGDad) and rang the police. They offered to send a PC round, DS went white with shock when I told him to expect a visit!!
The PC was superb - i never asked about their conversation and DS never told me… but whatever was said, it worked!
I also kept in touch with the PC who checked in with us both over the next year or so, that things had improved. Was absolutely the best thing to do, involving the police in a pastoral capacity.
DS is now nearly 40 and grew up to be kind, caring and very trustworthy. I believe that nipping this sort of behaviour in the bud early doors is the best way to sort it out.

You implied that criminality is the consequence of lax parenting. You might believe that but it is not borne out by research. Of course there will be exceptions but that is the case for any human quality in any population. Just wanting or believing something should be true doesn't make it so.

I think the serious consequences idea is triggering to some parents, for various reasons.

Jesus Christ calm down. Obviously the heat has gotten to you. He hasn't killed anyone.

Op, there's work to be done here. He's got a good mum, do your research and seek advice.

Please don’t shut him off punishing him only. Find out more about why he’s doing this. He seems to now have a habit he needs to break so I would make him pay it back chores etc but don’t think this will be solved by tough parenting alone. I can see things getting worse and the “you don’t even understand” fights coming on as he gets older. Be firm but get closer to him emotionally spend some time together. Talk. Encourage talking make it clear how upset you are. It is really tough for these younger generations. So much crime, mental health problems, peer pressure, social media etc, I really dread secondary school for my kids. Also, some kids learn from being punished others just need to be heard. For instance, I needed to be heard whereas my brother was cheekier more likeLy to push limits. We needed different parenting styles. Mum was too tough on me but not tough enough with him!

*vroom321
I wouldn't be able to look at my child the same ever again.

That is exactly how I feel*

I think this is a massive overreaction and could have disastrous consequences for your relationship with your son if you don't keep this in perspective. Yes he's done wrong, but kids fuck up sometimes - being disappointed in their behaviour is one thing but 'not being able to look at them the same ever again?!' - really?

He's made a huge mistake, he needs consequences for his actions, but don't let it destroy your relationship with him. He's still your boy.

I went through a phase of stealing money at around 10 yo.
I was saving it all up to buy Barbies. And incredible amounts of sweets.

My mum gave me a beating once she found out. And she cried. Her crying was more effective than the beating.

Exactly. He actually needs you most right now. He probably hates himself for what he’s done, he needs to know you’ve got his back. The kid is crying out for boundaries. You’ll have to keep money locked away, install safe site settings on his device and restrict internet use, you’ll need to monitor his every move while the trust is rebuilt. But mostly you need to open the channels of communication further so that he feels comfortable about talking about everything whether it’s guns, knives, theft whatever. Keep listening, and keep providing the right messages. Kids are overwhelmed by negatives on social media, they need us to keep them grounded.

You have a recent post that suggests you are in a - at minimum - verbally abusive relationship. How long has this been going on?

or why so many PPs are suggesting he targeted his sister where as actually all OP said was 90 of it was hers (out of interest, if his twin had 90 pound in a cupboard, did he?)

He targeted both his mother and his sister.

A few quid taken from a twin sister is still stealing.

I want to know if he has been going through his dad's pockets or his wallet too, and if not why not.

In this circumstance I don't think selling the Playstation would be too harsh, he needs to be shocked because his actions have hurt and shocked you. Sell the console, set firm boundaries and perhaps look into some therapy - the interest in weaponry etc. is worrying.

You and Dad need to present united front. All tech gone- no phone, PlayStation for ages. Like months I'd say. Grounded- for the foreseeable.
He has to pay back his sister- that might have to come out of future gift money.
Yes he should be doing chores to teach him life skills, but don't know if making that a punishment helps.
Hold him as close as you can, don't make it about your feelings. He's a kid, you have to be strong and support him lovingly while making it very clear what boundaries are.

How does he have access to spend this sum of money? You have allowed this by giving more freedom than he is capable of handling. The sum of money may well be irrelevant to your child's understanding.

Only you know if the motivation is a gross act of disrespect or if he's had access to more than he can handle. For my son, also lovely but with Adhd tendancies, it would be the later.

Natural consequences. There’s no cash for him for big Xmas gifts. No money for weekly treats. No money for extras he would like. Find a way for him to earn cash for things he wants. Car cleaning, baking cakes.

Really.

So how did I turn out then?

Ps I've never stolen a single thing in my life nor has anyone in my family but thanks for your input.

You carry on condoning a child being called a psychopath.

I'd rather be my 'sort of people' than yours every day of the week.

Thank god. The first sensible post.