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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ds11 stolen hundreds from me

263 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 16/07/2022 21:46

I don’t even know where to start.

he actually is a lovely boy, very loving, caring, helpful. My friends always commenting how sweet and kind he is.

I worked out a few months ago he tells lies. Just silly little lies but I explained how it makes me feel, how wrong lying is and how it makes the other person feel etc.

today he went to the park to play, saw someone from school who had a penknife (!) played with it, lied about it.

it’s the lies that bug me, so extravagant.

we talked to him about lying again. He promised he would never do it again.

there has been money going missing for a while. I then asked, ‘have you been steeling mummy’s money?’. He started crying and said yes. Turns out it’s about £400 I think. Spent on PlayStation vouchers, sweets and drinks for him and his friends. Been going on for months.

I am so disappointed and angry.

what would you do?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 17/07/2022 02:46

@Cookingutensil there is no mention whatsoever of ADHD or suspicion of ADHD in the case of the DS.

Meanwhile, the kid's twin sister is apparently capable of not stealing £400.

Backonmyfeet · 17/07/2022 02:58

DaftWeeBun · 17/07/2022 00:10

oh geez. There's a lot of overreaction here. He's 11 and at 11 you have very poor impulse control. I'm sure lots of people will now come on and say their child would never do this but there's motivation and there's opportunity and he is only responsible for one of those.

He might have got caught after stealing a tenner and it would have stopped there. The longer it's gone on, the more habituated to feeling guilty he will have become, so as the amount has stacked up it's probably become more normalised.

By all means make him feel guilty but be very careful about shaming him. I went through a period of stealing money at the same age and was a really sad, lonely child. I have no idea what purpose the stealing served but part of why I did it was because I could and I could because I was getting fuck all care and attention. I never got caught which in itself only reinforced how little anyone held me in mind.

No one can make a judgement without knowing the what the context is- parenting, school, peers. Everyone tells 'silly' lies. Some to save face, some to avoid conflict or hurting other people. None of these things are indications of some kind of disordered personality as some seem to be suggesting.

This 👆

sashh · 17/07/2022 03:21

There are two issues here, one is the stealing, the other is the reason he felt it necessary to steal.

It can be a cry for attention, I bet he has had more attention from you and is dad since you found out. As others have said it can be bullying, It can also be to 'buy' friends.

The latter is the harder to deal with. @DaftWeeBun has summed up what could well be happening, and this also goes along with telling lies.

I'd open a new bank account for him, every time he does a chore a set amount goes in to the account. So he can fund it with chores, pocket money (and don't stop his pocket money) birthday money or by selling things, possibly his play station.

No one can take money out of the account until it reaches £400, possibly £450 if you want him to pay any interest.

NerdleNoodle · 17/07/2022 05:01

OP he told you the truth about the money he stole. That's a big step forward and shouldn't be overlooked. It means some part of him is trying to do the right thing. You should recognise and acknowledge that - to yourself and to him. You've got something to build on, something to start with. I'd praise him for that, tell him how much it means and then address the wrongdoing : explain why stealing and lying are so wrong, tell him the consequences and how to pay the money back (realistically he's not going to earn 400 pounds ). I'm not at all convinced that the best way forward is shaming and drastic punishment. You'll just discourage him from ever being honest with you again. Get help for you both, and be kind to yourself. This is tough for you.

ThanksItHasPockets · 17/07/2022 06:00

OP, you can ask in your local police station about their early intervention programmes for knife crime and theft. They will help you. They will ask you to consider if there is bullying (by or of DS) and they will also know if there is a pattern locally of young boys being groomed by gangs.

I would sell the PlayStation. Remove his smartphone if he has one and give him a brick if he needs a phone for a journey to and from school. I would not remove internet access altogether but it would only happen from a computer in a communal family area within certain hours. Put the parental controls on your wifi.

girlmom21 · 17/07/2022 06:33

Sell the PlayStation to repay what he stole.

I had a penknife at 11 and used it to carve initials in trees or whatever. I think whether or not this would bother me depends on what his friends are like.

honestogod · 17/07/2022 06:41

I used to do this. A lot. A fiver a week or so is my recollection. And to my eternal shame I also used to steal from the church collection that I used to help my darling Grandfather manage/count. I also lied a lot. I was a very odd kid and look back on these times with a great deal of sadness, guilt and regret. Lots of shame. I was insecure and socially anxious (still am) and wanted to buy stuff for me and my friends, to feel accepted. I cannot imagine the horror of having been caught. I never was. Talking /confessing to my DM years later, she was lovely. I'm so grateful for that. I don't know what to advise though, but I don't think it necessarily means he's on a bad, irretrievable track. I was fine, it was a phase.

honestogod · 17/07/2022 06:43

I paid the church back in my 30s by the way, probably way more than I needed to. Not that that makes it right.

uggmum · 17/07/2022 07:01

If he has a fascination with guns and knives it is worrying. The stealing and lying shows such disrespect for you.

Take away the PlayStation and any means of using social media. He doesn't need it.

uggmum · 17/07/2022 07:03

And I totally agree with everything @WeAreBob said.

They were much more succinct than me.

Becks7683 · 17/07/2022 07:04

There will be a well being co ordinator at the school. They will be very good to speak to about all of this and they will help you! You have to be 100% honest with them and tell them everything that has happened.

Goldbar · 17/07/2022 07:07

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 00:21

I've honestly never read such a pile of overreaction in my life. "Wouldn't be able to look at my child the same" bloody hell.

You had 400 pound in cash in a cupboard and seem surprised a child was tempted by it. Children that age do not understand the value of money.

Depending on what hes watching, knives and guns do not a criminal make - most of the games/programmes feature these things.

It's not on that hes done it, but these responses are ludicrous.

As for the jobs for 1 pound etc, unless you plan on making him do 400 jobs, that's a non starter too.

Don't inform the school. It sounds as if he is getting enough of a hard time already.

He made a massive mistake, but he's 11, and you're his parent, and need to take some responsibility in this.

I am honestly baffled at many of the responses implying he's a psychopath. He does not have the cognitive ability of an adult.

I agree with this. Young children often steal from their parents. It's disappointing but not a big deal and doesn't mean they're going to grow up to be dishonest. I certainly took the odd pound or two from my mother's purse growing up. No one ever caught me and I grew out of it by myself and realised by the time I was not that much older than your son that this was not the sort of person I wanted to be. The difference is in the scale of it - £400 is a lot of money but I doubt he set out to take that much, he just went back again and again and it all added up.

I'm not saying that there shouldn't be a very firm response from you, but you'd be wrong to write him off as some sort of criminal in the making.

I'd respond to this in three ways. Firstly, decide an appropriate punishment - grounded, not going out with friends for a few weeks, loss of Playstation, whatever. Second - how is he going to make restitution for the money he has stolen? Does he get pocket money? If so, I would have a policy that half of his pocket money and half of birthday/Christmas money goes towards the debt until at least half of it is paid off. I would also offer him the chance to do extra chores around the house to pay it off more quickly. Finally, you need to get to the bottom of what is going on in his life, both with him and his friends and with the online content he is watching. Is he being bullied? Is he trying to 'buy' friends because he feels insecure about himself? If so, how can you build his confidence? How can you limit his access to inappropriate content online? After this, he needs your support and your love, as well as greater supervision. Definitely not your rejection.

Anon2000 · 17/07/2022 07:07

Its really sad hearing people say you wouldn't be able to look at him the same again, etc. Hes clearly having problems and needs proper help, not judgement, or even just punishment and hope it sorts it out. I went through a stage at a similar age of stealing quite a bit of money and it's still one of my biggest regrets and although I've sort of forgiven my child self, I still feel shame. But as an adult I can now recognise it wasnt 'me', I was acting out of deep unhappiness and a need to have control of something around me due to circumstances at the time. I've never done anything like it again and it was totally out of character for me, but teamed with the knives and guns, I would be getting some urgent psychological help to try and find out why your son has felt the need to do this. Good luck.

Shakeitshakeitbaby · 17/07/2022 07:08

I went through a phase of this at a similar age. I was trying to make people like me (I have since become aware that I am very likely autistic, hence my difficulty fitting in). Rest assured I havent stolen anything since I was a teenager and I am in fact a very honest person. Please make sure he isn't being bullied either. That level of theft may be due to paying off bullies.

The guns and knives obsession would worry me far more but it would also make me ensure that I checked out that he isn't being bullied. Good luck op.

PerseverancePays · 17/07/2022 07:18

Remember one thing: prisons are full of repeat offenders because punishment doesn’t work. Obviously violent offenders need locking up, but that is for another day.
Talk to your boy, talk about right and wrong, LISTEN to your boy, he may have underlying reasons, he might have been doing it because he needs more autonomy and hasn’t had opportunity.
Talk to him about suitable reparation, his suggestions will be much harsher than any you will come up with. Follow through. Check back that it’s working regularly.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 17/07/2022 07:19

Maray1967 · 16/07/2022 21:57

First, try to find out why he did it. You need to be certain that his friends have not been demanding it and he’s not under any pressure . If he is, you need to deal with that.

If that’s not the case and he has just thought he can take it , knowing that he shouldn’t, there will need to be a hard talk about theft. You will need to make sure that he cannot access your money in any way. And then you will need to consider whether he has to pay back all or part of it via chores, sale of anything he has that is valuable, money taken from any savings he has, or goes without Christmas and/or next birthday present from you. He is old enough to know that he should not do this.

Were the tears genuine remorse? Or an attempt to avoid or mitigate your anger with him?

This...

Before I put in place any 'consequences', I'd have to absolutely sure he wasn't being blackmailed /bullied... Or just really sad cases where some horror says.. You can play with us but only if you give us 20£ a week (yes I have seen this!).

Depending on reason should dictate consequences.

endingintiers · 17/07/2022 07:20

My teen stole and drank with their friends vodka I had bought as gifts. They were getting about £15 a month pocket money with the chance to earn more through chores.

They had to repay the cost of the vodka (£30) plus I added on a 50% theft tax so owed me £45. I took £5 a month from their pocket money. I also installed a lock on a kitchen cupboard so they couldn't steal our alcohol again.

They have to know they have to pay it back, at least in full, if if takes them a year or so to earn the money then they realise the severity of their actions. They still had some pocket money but by the moaning lol I knew they did notice the drop in pocket money.

GretaVanFleet · 17/07/2022 07:25

FunnysInLaJardin · 16/07/2022 22:32

do you give him enough money to do what he needs to do?

my children never had pocket money per se and they never stole from us.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 17/07/2022 07:28

DaftWeeBun · 17/07/2022 00:10

oh geez. There's a lot of overreaction here. He's 11 and at 11 you have very poor impulse control. I'm sure lots of people will now come on and say their child would never do this but there's motivation and there's opportunity and he is only responsible for one of those.

He might have got caught after stealing a tenner and it would have stopped there. The longer it's gone on, the more habituated to feeling guilty he will have become, so as the amount has stacked up it's probably become more normalised.

By all means make him feel guilty but be very careful about shaming him. I went through a period of stealing money at the same age and was a really sad, lonely child. I have no idea what purpose the stealing served but part of why I did it was because I could and I could because I was getting fuck all care and attention. I never got caught which in itself only reinforced how little anyone held me in mind.

No one can make a judgement without knowing the what the context is- parenting, school, peers. Everyone tells 'silly' lies. Some to save face, some to avoid conflict or hurting other people. None of these things are indications of some kind of disordered personality as some seem to be suggesting.

I agree. And as for the comment about never looking at him the same, that's ridiculous. He is still a child at the end of the day. Ask the police to come and have a chat, get him a therapist to talk too and make him do chores to earn money and repay it, but don't start listening to people implying he's a psychopath. I can bet not one of them has a degree to confidently make that assessment. He's a child, he messed up.

Pibble · 17/07/2022 07:31

I dont think you are over reacting....my kids are only tiny but surely an 11 year old knows stealing money is wrong?? Dont they?

I would come down hard on this. Bil used to do stuff like this and never had an consequences. He has grown into the most awful, selfish, untitled adult you can imagine. He has ripped off several people as an adult without remorse and is in a fair amount of debt.

Gnomechange · 17/07/2022 07:32

He took some money (granted bad thing to do) he did not kill someone. My god, some people on MumsNet need to chill out and get some perspective!

Also he is 11! That is not an adult and an 11 year old does not have the same level of impulse control and understanding as an adult.

GretaVanFleet · 17/07/2022 07:33

I do wonder what the ‘no consequences/punishment, as it’s already happened’ parents would be do in this situation.

That aside, does he have any extra curricular activities like football, scouts, swimming, cadets that he does?

gogohmm · 17/07/2022 07:34

Gardening is a great idea, he will have time to do honk about his actions but also crucially occupies him away from the PlayStation and friends who may be encouraging him. I would personally suggest banning him from the PlayStation for the first week of the holidays, then having a rule that he needs to do 3 hours f chores or school related activities before he can touch it each day, the positive is that he might begin to foster a love of gardening - why not give him a little patch he can grow things on (pots if garden is small) lidl had seeds for 65p this week.

gogohmm · 17/07/2022 07:35

@vroom321
My dp and his siblings say mummy, they are in their 50's! There's no age limit

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/07/2022 07:37

My son is autistic and has some mental health issues
he’s also obsessed with weaponry , not to hurt people but to have
he’s also stolen but ive put in place some fairly tight controls now so he can’t !

id look very hard at your son
is he being being bullied ? Coerced ?
as PP said is he young for his age ?

id just say this doesn’t mean he is the devil incarnate
punish him by all means

but an 11 year doing this isn’t the same as an adult doing it
i was a terrible little thief as a child 🙈

I do come at this from a ND sen bias however