Ds11 stolen hundreds from me

[Workinghardeveryday]

I don’t even know where to start.

he actually is a lovely boy, very loving, caring, helpful. My friends always commenting how sweet and kind he is.

I worked out a few months ago he tells lies. Just silly little lies but I explained how it makes me feel, how wrong lying is and how it makes the other person feel etc.

today he went to the park to play, saw someone from school who had a penknife (!) played with it, lied about it.

it’s the lies that bug me, so extravagant.

we talked to him about lying again. He promised he would never do it again.

there has been money going missing for a while. I then asked, ‘have you been steeling mummy’s money?’. He started crying and said yes. Turns out it’s about £400 I think. Spent on PlayStation vouchers, sweets and drinks for him and his friends. Been going on for months.

I am so disappointed and angry.

what would you do?

he will be punished, I have a lot of weeding that he will be doing. Dog walking (after heatwave), dishwasher emptying etc. for weeks. I feel so uncomfortable in my feelings towards him. He isn’t 8, he’s 11.5 he knows better

These aren't punishments, they are normal tasks that kids should join in with as part of the family. That's how they learn that they are equally responsible as anyone they live with in future for pulling their weight and that as adults doing so is not "helping" anyone in their house, it's just part of real life.

Walking the dog, weeding and dishwasher emptying are hardly chimney sweeping and down the mines so I'm baffled they are considered punishments!

Removing the PlayStation is more of a punishment as it directly affects him, but he should be learning to do the other bits anyway!

I think that bearing in mind your more recent posts, re YT history and also the fact he stole from his sister etc, I would be looking to get him some counselling sessions asap to investigate a bit more where all this is coming from.

If he's really sorry, he'll engage with it and talk to them.

why is he allowed to watch that online where are the parental controls-hes still a child but he shold know right from wrong by now

what do you want a doctor to do theres no cure for lieing

I had a friend like this growing up. Used to steal from her parents to “buy” friends and popularity. Also used to lie constantly, to get attention. Just about absolutely stupid stuff. Everybody could see right through her lies, and she used to get used by people who pretended to like her and be her friends, just because she would buy them stuff, and pay for them to go places etc. Very sad.
You need to get your son some therapy before it goes too far.

Maybe a slightly different take on things but my concerns would be 1)playing with a penknife (and lying) 2. His circle of friends (who have access to a penknife and are glorifying it) 3. The stealing (although that level of stealing is a serious problem).
none of these are great but the the stealing are likely an opportunity thing and being caught may turn him off ( punishment is appropriate for that) but the others are more difficult/ insidious. An attraction to weapons/warfare at that age is not uncommon but care needs to be taken around that.

He has az twin sister same age?
What is she like?
Or older or younger twiin sisters?
Is he the oldest?
Something is going on here
Focusing on punishment won t solve this
Speak to school

I think you need help with this kid. Especially given the gun and knife stuff.

The YouTube history is very concerning on top of the lying and stealing.

Please find a therapist to talk with him. Play therapy might work well.

Has he stolen from his dad too or is it just you and his sister he has victimized?

Does his dad think an interest in violence/ brutality/ aggression is appropriate for boys?

I agree with @porcupineintherough, 3 hours of chores each day to work off debt, give a value to each chore so he can see, unloading dishwasher £1, vacuum lounge £1, putting away food shopping £2, walking dog 30 mins £2 etc. Tell him he must earn £5 off debt every day over holidays. Let him see how debt is coming down. No gaming until these chores are done. If he refuses to do chores, then he is choosing no gaming. Tell him about boy who cried wolf.

When I hear parents saying their child is sweet and lovely.whilst they steal and have a knife makes me think of the character of Dot Cotton and that dreadful Nick.

oh geez. There's a lot of overreaction here. He's 11 and at 11 you have very poor impulse control. I'm sure lots of people will now come on and say their child would never do this but there's motivation and there's opportunity and he is only responsible for one of those.

He might have got caught after stealing a tenner and it would have stopped there. The longer it's gone on, the more habituated to feeling guilty he will have become, so as the amount has stacked up it's probably become more normalised.

By all means make him feel guilty but be very careful about shaming him. I went through a period of stealing money at the same age and was a really sad, lonely child. I have no idea what purpose the stealing served but part of why I did it was because I could and I could because I was getting fuck all care and attention. I never got caught which in itself only reinforced how little anyone held me in mind.

No one can make a judgement without knowing the what the context is- parenting, school, peers. Everyone tells 'silly' lies. Some to save face, some to avoid conflict or hurting other people. None of these things are indications of some kind of disordered personality as some seem to be suggesting.

My son stole from me..slightly older when it started but not by much, and it started with him pinching a fiver here and there from my purse, and when I didn't register it (I was puzzled but assumed DH had needed it) he continued until he cleared out my beloved piggy bank of about £700 , plus he stole from his sisters, sold some stuff that wasn't his. And the lies, dear God the lies,. It became his default..I swear he'd have lied about his name if you asked.

We came down pretty hard. A chat with the police. Tech gone. And I bought a combination safe from Argos, to keep anything valuable(and cash) in and made it clear that it was because I couldn't trust him.

Everyone else thought he was a lovely kid.

He wasn't being bullied either. He just wanted more and felt entitled to take it.

It was a rough few years.. we had to watch him like a hawk. He hit puberty early and the raging hormones turned him into a ball of anger that lasted about 4 years (he was unofficially grounded by our lovely local policeman along with his friends for 6 months)

BUT he did emerge the other end a better kid.
For my DS1 the turning point was when he got a little part time job at 16. (He did have decent pocket money before that) He realised he loved working and earning and the value of money...and he became human again.

We've still got the safe, but it is many years since I have needed it, and he says he is so sorry for what he put us through and still has no idea why he was like that. I'd trust him with anything now..he's grown into a genuinely lovely, honest, hard working man!

That's just to give you a bit of hope :)

But now... come down HARD. The Playstation needs to go. He needs to be properly frightened by the police (and if there ARE bullying issues they need to be addressed obviously¬) He needs proper consequences for his behaviour and not sympathy for being caught!

At times I hated my own child for the stress he put us through. But we hung on and got through it x

I absolutely agree with the suggestion of cadets. He might also like martial arts, where he would learn a respect-based philosophy.

I also second the advice not to make him do normal helpful chores around the house into punishment.

Along with finding an activity that promotes integrity, respectfulness, and a sense of self pride, you and his dad need to get him involved in a friendly way with chores and helping around the house. This will reinforce what he is taught in the activity you choose.

You have very little time left to get this started if he is 11. Ideally it should start at 8.

He can empty the dishwasher, mow the lawn, hoover, tidy and clean/polish his own room, clean the loo (highly recommended for a boy), hang out washing, help set the table and do meal prep, working up to preparing a meal for the family and cleaning up afterwards ... All of this is life skills he needs to start on. He should have hardly any time to waste on YouTube.

He will feel a sense of pride in his accomplishment when contributing to the running of the house. A child who lies is a child with low to no self esteem. Give him skills and self esteem or you are going to regret it.

"comes across as charming " you're making it sound like he's a psychopath!

He's a wean who played with someone with a penknife and didn't realise how much money he was wasting, bloody hell.

FGS. This is ridiculous.

He doesnt have a knife.

Nick was a drug dealer, I think OP will be OK.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be just a phase he's going through and just following the crowd, he possibly does not quite understand the seriousness of being fascinated by guns and knives, he could not necessairly being a psychopath in the making. My parents brought me a pocket knife as we went camping lots and I really enjoyed just mucking about with it and pretending to be 'bush'.

That said, he needs to understand the implications of his actions (and to avoid it carrying over into his teens) so make it a long boring summer. All summer remove any technological device - he has to find other entertainment. No playing 'out', if he wants to hang with his friends, you have to supervise them, and no pocket money. Make him do tedious chores that need doing, e.g cleaning the fridge / oven, dusting, sorting out the linen cubord etc.

I've honestly never read such a pile of overreaction in my life. "Wouldn't be able to look at my child the same" bloody hell.

You had 400 pound in cash in a cupboard and seem surprised a child was tempted by it. Children that age do not understand the value of money.

Depending on what hes watching, knives and guns do not a criminal make - most of the games/programmes feature these things.

It's not on that hes done it, but these responses are ludicrous.

As for the jobs for 1 pound etc, unless you plan on making him do 400 jobs, that's a non starter too.

Don't inform the school. It sounds as if he is getting enough of a hard time already.

He made a massive mistake, but he's 11, and you're his parent, and need to take some responsibility in this.

I am honestly baffled at many of the responses implying he's a psychopath. He does not have the cognitive ability of an adult.

I read that as “sell his teeth” which I thought was a little bit harsh.

Boy who cried wolf is nothing to do with stealing money.

3 hours???! he's 11!!

5 pound a day, to make up over 400 pound? I can only hope you wouldnt actually install this absolutely ridiculous, abusive system in your own house.

I'm honestly gobsmacked at these ridiculous replies.

@beautyisthefaceisee

Where does he have an interest in violence/brutality/aggression?

Tbf to posters suggesting this, OP has said verbatim that: "he does have a fascination with knifes and guns"

You and I must come from very different backgrounds. Stealing is not normal from anyone, and playing it down as you are doing is something that no decent parent would do.

You need to aim higher, expect your children to do better than you.

Yes, I read that.

I asked where she said he has an interest in violence/brutality/aggression.

Society sells toy guns, swords, knives etc and then wonders why boys like playing with them. My brother loved army men growing up and spent most of his days running about with a sponge gun.

He's not murdered anyone yet.

He needs consequences, but I think people are overreacting a bit. This is a very common act of misbehavior for this age range . It needs to be dealt with firmly and it is a sign he needs closer supervision, but it doesn’t automatically mean he is on his way to becoming a hardened criminal.

I wouldn’t sell his tech because you will get so little for it that it’s not worth selling. You will be hurting yourself more than him. Instead I would put it away until he has paid off his debt. When he gets it back, I would restrict usage to less time each day. Internet access also needs higher supervision.

the only way a child can pay back something like this is extra chores. So set him to work.

Also look to try to increase family time. It’s hard when they get to this age, but this kind of thing shows that he isn’t ready to be quite so independent yet.

Heh. And how do you know how well I have done for my children to do better?

I think an 11 year old who has noticed 400 pound and has no idea of the concept of money is pretty likely to take it. and once he'd done it once, he knew he could do it again.

We certainly do come from different backgrounds - mine being the real world.

I'm still not getting how on earth he managed to get to 400 pound before anyone noticed.

or why so many PPs are suggesting he targeted his sister where as actually all OP said was 90 of it was hers (out of interest, if his twin had 90 pound in a cupboard, did he?)