Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ds11 stolen hundreds from me

263 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 16/07/2022 21:46

I don’t even know where to start.

he actually is a lovely boy, very loving, caring, helpful. My friends always commenting how sweet and kind he is.

I worked out a few months ago he tells lies. Just silly little lies but I explained how it makes me feel, how wrong lying is and how it makes the other person feel etc.

today he went to the park to play, saw someone from school who had a penknife (!) played with it, lied about it.

it’s the lies that bug me, so extravagant.

we talked to him about lying again. He promised he would never do it again.

there has been money going missing for a while. I then asked, ‘have you been steeling mummy’s money?’. He started crying and said yes. Turns out it’s about £400 I think. Spent on PlayStation vouchers, sweets and drinks for him and his friends. Been going on for months.

I am so disappointed and angry.

what would you do?

OP posts:
vroom321 · 16/07/2022 22:38

I wouldn't be able to look at my child the same ever again.

Thinkingblonde · 16/07/2022 22:39

Bullied or coerced by older boys. That was my first thought. Buying drinks and sweets etc. for his mates, is he trying to buy their friendship?

vroom321 · 16/07/2022 22:39

Ffs back at you. In the context of what happened she was minimising it as though he was younger than he is.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2022 22:41

Bring down the hammer. He needs serious consequences.

MadeForThis · 16/07/2022 22:42

Is he under pressure to do it? Trying to impress his mates? It's a lot of money to waste.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 16/07/2022 22:44

vroom321 · 16/07/2022 22:38

I wouldn't be able to look at my child the same ever again.

That is exactly how I feel

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/07/2022 22:47

Going out needs to stop whilst he's meeting people who carry knives, for a start.

Armychefbethebest · 16/07/2022 22:47

My eldest 2 started taking money and when I found out I rang the local police station who were more than happy to give them the fright of their lives aged 11 and 8 at the time I would definitely do this in your case as well as sell the tech he has to recoup his sisters money and part of yours at 11 he needs to be shown poor choices gave big consequences and if he's not shown this then it will spiral op he's only crying because he's been caught.

fyn · 16/07/2022 22:50

Honestly it sounds like he needs an early police intervention programme. Stealing £100s of pounds and being caught with knives is serious.

I see it lots through my work, parents saying their you g children are good when they clearly aren’t. By the time the parents acknowledge what is happening they’ve exceeded the criteria for early intervention programmes.

BlooberryBiskits · 16/07/2022 22:53

PetalParty · 16/07/2022 21:54

Having seen a lot of boys raised around me, I am pleased you are seeing this as the very serious event it is… which must be dealt with very strongly if you do not want to create a dangerous personality for the future. I don’t want to alarm you, but getting away with major dishonesty as a child without consequences can lead to alarming personality traits.

I'm sorry this happened to you, you must be deeply shocked and very upset.

Sadly, I agree with this and am seeing a family I’m very close to deal with a v difficult outcome with an adult son that didn’t have consequences

OP: you’ve been dealt a v tough one and you have my sympathies. I think it’s good that you are willing to look at this head on and act: you are totally doing the right thing

What you’ve described is a bit far down the line for this age (the knife, the amount of money…). Sometimes kids steal because they feel like they don’t have ‘enough’ emotionally: could it be the case here? (Not an excuse, looking for a reason)

I agree v strongly with other posters suggesting you get some psychological support (ie a child psychologist): I don’t personally know how to access that do suggest school or GP as a first step and don’t be fobbed off

The main thing is to show your son that wrongdoing WILL be caught and WILL have unpleasant consequences. If you can do that without alienating him you’ll have managed this very well: I think getting some support for you is in order

Stravaig · 16/07/2022 22:54

Weeding, dishes and dog-walking are normal family household tasks he should already be mucking in with, so they don't work as punishments.

You need to withdraw privileges in a way that he will understand, eg. going out, treats, gaming time. And make a plan for how he is going to repay the stolen money, from eg. savings, piggy bank, pocket money, future presents, paid work for neighbours, paper round.

I'd try to get to the bottom of his motivations in a matter-of-fact way. No minimising, no 'lovely boy' - but you need to rule out bullying of him, or by him, trying to 'buy' friends, drink/drugs, grooming, mental health concerns.

WeAreBob · 16/07/2022 23:02

His punishment is weeding?

Have you taken the playstation away? I'm guessing no.

He is watching YouTube videos about guns and knives? Have you removed his phone any YouTube appa from TV? I'm guessing no.

Your kid is going to go downhill because you're not acting. I'd say good luck but there really isn't any point.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 16/07/2022 23:03

Play station and tech gone for a significant time.
No pocket money.
Extra chores.
He isn't crying because he is sorry
He is crying because he's been found out.

takeitandleaveit · 16/07/2022 23:03

my dp (his dad) is quite calm about it! Almost feels sorry for him as he is upset.

So your ds is upset. Why? Because he knows what he did was wrong and is genuinely contrite? Or because he got caught?

Your DP needs to think about that. And then decide whether he still feels sorry for him.

LibraLibra · 16/07/2022 23:13

I'd punish him so that he knows he hasn't gotten away with it, but if you say that he's otherwise a lovely boy then I'd be putting my focus into getting to the bottom of whatever issues he's having. There's little shits that do what they want with no regard for anyone else, and there's troubled young kids who are struggling with their self esteem and under a lot of peer pressure to keep up appearances or appease their new mates with gifts. Can you try teaching him that what his mates think of him isn't the be all and end all, even if it feels like it at that age? I imagine that this is a very delicate situation, and you're right to be angry but if you act appalled and disgusted with him then you'll just be reinforcing what he's already feeling about himself and may make the behaviour even worse. I'd probably put him in therapy, but be very clear that it's not because there's anything wrong with him, it's just to try to boost his confidence.

Cherrysoup · 16/07/2022 23:15

Sell the PlayStation, seriously. No more than he deserves. No screens, no phone for summer. You need to really demonstrate to him how serious this is.

olympicsrock · 16/07/2022 23:21

It’s really bad.
I think the PlayStation has to go.

covilha · 16/07/2022 23:21

I think I would be channelling his energies into an organisation with a strong ethos of integrity, maybe cadets? He will sharp learn the consequences of stealing there, if he is rash enough to try,which I very much doubt. This will help break his new habit.

Maggit · 16/07/2022 23:22

This must be so difficult OP. Exactly the same happened within my family years ago- sweet, gentle, kind boy was found to have been stealing money (even more than your DS) from different family members. He too had a weird fascination with knives/slasher films, that kind of thing. It was so weird, he was the last person you'd expect to do something so horrible.
Turned out in the end that it was a weird emotional reaction to a huge trauma that he had been trying to supress- he was really not ok at all. We as a family dealt with it badly, and he didn't have the counselling he should have, and because he was so upset, he wasn't adequately punished either. He's a man now and does suffer with his MH quite badly, I think he has problems with a lack of empathy as a result of the trauma (but has learned to mimic empathy so brilliantly.)

Ginger2022 · 16/07/2022 23:24

I would arrange child therapy for him, an assessment and maybe family therapy as his behaviour is at this point concerning. My brother at a similar age began behaving in this way, stealing from my father, he stole from me as a younger sibling, he needed help which he didn't get. It may be lack of confidence, or social anxiety and having to keep up with others. He may be a very sensitive sweet boy and trying to fit in with the pace of life that youngsters are having to live at with less in person relationships than we had as youngsters, our friends were not largely online.

greatblueheron · 16/07/2022 23:26

I'd talk to him about selling his playstation to claw the money back, tbh.

Hundreds of pounds is quite serious. For 'stuff'. to impress friends. He's going to need a lesson that really hits home, otherwise he'll keep doing it.

greatblueheron · 16/07/2022 23:28

he will be punished, I have a lot of weeding that he will be doing. Dog walking (after heatwave), dishwasher emptying etc. for weeks. I feel so uncomfortable in my feelings towards him. He isn’t 8, he’s 11.5 he knows better

Those are every day household chores he should be helping with anyway.

I'd sell his playstation.

BrownHairedQuirk · 16/07/2022 23:29

OP there was a Panorama on recently about a young lad named Olly and there was a whole part of the show about the content that is being pushed out to young people. They made a fake account for a 13 year old and very soon the feeds on some major social media were filled with guns, knives and violence despite the search history having nothing to do with that so no reason for it to come up. I would advise you to tighten up the controls on any social media he has or just take him off it altogether. The show really highlighted how dangerous SM can be for young people.

Prescottdanni123 · 16/07/2022 23:32

There are so many worrying things here OP. The incident with the pen knife and his youtube history is scary. Having that kind of interest in knives and guns is not healthy and fascination with weapons/violence can be a warning sign of a distressed mind (not suggesting that he will go on a killing spree, but just that he could be mentally feeling distressed and benefit from some help).

Again, the pen knife could be a sign that he has fallen in with the wrong crowd.

In terms of the money, I'd worry that he could be being pressured into doing it by friends. The line between peer pressure and bullying can be non existent sometimes. Or, if he plays with friends online, I'd be worried about grooming.

Definitely get some professional help. This needs to be nipped in the bud. I'd also let his school know, especially the pastoral team. They can keep an eye on him and his friends/people he interacts with to try to get a clear picture of what has been going on.

PersonaNonGarter · 16/07/2022 23:34

I think you may have a DP problem. Seriously, this is very bad for an 11yo and you are all minimising. However, it is your DP’s behaviour that is making you doubt yourself.

playstation needs to go.

Swipe left for the next trending thread