Ds11 stolen hundreds from me

[Workinghardeveryday]

I don’t even know where to start.

he actually is a lovely boy, very loving, caring, helpful. My friends always commenting how sweet and kind he is.

I worked out a few months ago he tells lies. Just silly little lies but I explained how it makes me feel, how wrong lying is and how it makes the other person feel etc.

today he went to the park to play, saw someone from school who had a penknife (!) played with it, lied about it.

it’s the lies that bug me, so extravagant.

we talked to him about lying again. He promised he would never do it again.

there has been money going missing for a while. I then asked, ‘have you been steeling mummy’s money?’. He started crying and said yes. Turns out it’s about £400 I think. Spent on PlayStation vouchers, sweets and drinks for him and his friends. Been going on for months.

I am so disappointed and angry.

what would you do?

This. Have you not read the news lately. This is highly disturbing and you need to act fast.

PPs have identified from the OP’s previous posts that the child is growing up in a verbally abusive household and has recently had what sounds like an intense, bullying friendship. This a lot for an 11 year old to handle, no wonder he isn’t acting like an angel. It very much sounds like the child needs a nicer home environment and some counselling. Not harsh punishments and berating.

So she could have just shed a few tears and dispensed with the beating, entirely...

Crying is emotionally abusive parenting.

Not if you're genuinely upset.
Parents are allowed to show emotion.

I think parents should regulate emotion. Their brains have progressed in a way theirs havent.

But then my mother would cry at the drop of her hat when she was in the wrong, and I'd end up apologising as the child when actually I wasn't always entirely in the wrong.

not so much the serious consequences idea that is triggering to me, it's the idea that so many people are convinced that we should automatically shame or punish a child to correct the 'badness'. Much as many seem to believe its black and white, it's not. Punishment has its place but by no means always and never before you actually have the full picture. stuff like this is much more likely to be underpinned by a lack of foresight, impulsivity, trying to find his place with peers than any kind of 'badness'. There is a certain type of parent I see in CAMHS that prioritises their need to 'perform' the badass parent over their child's wellbeing and no ability to stand back and see the wider perspective.

I despair that so many people still hold onto this black and white idea that there is an easy answer, a punishment to fit every crime. There is also zero value in characterising any person based on what sounds like a difficult and out of character period. His solutions are undoubtedly shit but what was the problem he was trying to solve? It sounds like he is already regretful and ashamed, OP going into a vortex of self recrimination will only make him feel even less secure than he does already, and you need to show him that you are resilient. People make mistakes, they might be punished, but ultimately you can recover from it. Otherwise, all he has learned is that you cannot cope when things get difficult and he won't look to you as someone who can help.

Fine to ask him how he thinks you feel, fine to ask him how he feels, what has changed after this, but don't leverage or your own feelings. He is too young to be able to appreciate the stuff that feeds into adult perspectives. Parenting is a long road and I'm always wary of those who see their own lack of crises as evidence of their brilliant parenting. They might have been lucky up til now, but no-one knows what's in the post.

Please don't start seeking out mental health services at this point. Wait and see what happens, this might be shock enough. Rely on the what sounds like a largely positive relationship and ask him what he thinks should happen, what does he think would be a fair way to make it up? what has he learned and what would he do differently if he could. If it continues and it feels like it's beyond you, fair enough, seek help then, but trust your own resources and don't feel you need to be 'seen' to be punishing him.

You’ve sorted the problem of the friend, who may (may) have been encouraging your son to steal. Don’t let him , or you, lay all the blame on the other lad though — your son still chose to steal.
I would explain to him that he could be in serious trouble as the theft of such a large sum of money is punishable in law. You can then choose to take him to the police for a stern talking to ( arrange in advance. , I’ve had to do this in another context ( 3 times) and they were very helpful) or you arrange the chores to repay the money but make it hard work, family walk with the dog isn’t a punishment, scrubbing a path for an hour with a scrubbing brush is.
Parental controls over all devices. And any sign of interest in knives, guns in the future straight to school to ask for professional help.
I think you’ve handled it well remaining calm and thinking it through fwiw.

I don’t remember crying if I was telling off the children but aside from that I cry all the time. A song, film, goodbyes, an art exhibit, hellos, greeting cards. What can I say, I’m a cryer.

That is absolute bullshit. Crying on purpose to emotionally manipulate your child; abusive. Crying because you’re so hurt by their behaviour or because they wrote you a kind message or you watch a weepy film together; not abusive. As well as a parent you’re also a human and it’s good for your child to see a range of emotions from you, they should see you as a whole person not a robot. Why do so many men think crying is something only women do? One of the reasons is probably that they never saw their dads showing much emotion, happy or sad. It’s healthy to feel your emotions appropriately. It’s a well loved joke between my kids and I that I cry at films or YouTube videos etc (particularly the ones where a baby sees/hears their parents for the first time after being partially sighted or deaf and they’re fitting the glasses/hearing aids!) and they’ll always give me a cuddle whilst laughing at me. They’ve also seen me cry when I’m sad, its ok for our kids to see us exhibit emotions.

@JesusChristThatsTastyQuorn

Sorry I was a bit harsh. I shouldn't have said that.

I don't really have any advice, but how do you know he was telling the truth. You've already said he lies. It's somewhat convenient that his "friend" is to blame. Even if it is true, at his age he should have known better and didn't have to follow.

I would make him do chores to pay back the money. I wouldn’t sell the PlayStation this time but I would make it really clear that if he stole so much as a button from me again that PlayStation as well as his phone/devices would be in CashConverters within the day. Change the Wi-Fi password every day until the chores are completed.

Morning all.

Update.
we talked again on Sunday after tea. I asked lots of questions and I do believe everything he said, for instance I asked what else he has lied about, he told me things like feeling poorly to try and stay off school etc. he didn’t need to, but he was being honest.

we also found out the boy he was playing with was intimidating him massively. He was lovely to her as long as ds did as he asked, bring money to the park. Ds had a choice and he could have confided in me, but boy made in swear not to. We also found out boy has a knife. Had it in park. Ds is terrified he will stab him or someone else.

I spoke to the safeguarding officer at school and also the police.

police going to school today to talk about the steeling and get more information on the knife.

I talked again with ds last night at length, I really think he has learned his lesson already! He is clearly shaken up by the whole thing. The punishment stand though, as I explained to him, all actions have consequences, this is his unfortunately.

What is his punishment?

Id make him do chores to pay back the money, but nothing else.

Limited screen time, an hour of chores everyday for at least 2 months

Not grounded? No removal of PlayStation?

Limited screen time and doing some chores is parenting - not punishment.

I'd be wary of how much you actually trust him.

That's not punishment, that's normal parenting. He basically has no real consequences for his behaviour.

Blimey op that is wet parenting at it's best..
Heaven help you survive the teenage years..

I think that’s ok. The chat sounds effective. You are showing him you still trust him and he’s earning back the money.
Go in too hard and for too long and it will become counter productive.

Wow. This is good daily parenting, NOT punishment.

I think it’s extremely unhelpful to teach him that the normal boundaries of everyday life for well adjusted children are punishments. How then would you expect him to willingly do those things in the future? You are making very negative associations in his mind about what it is to live a wholesome life.

Leaving him to his own devices without guidance is what will cause the discontent, disconnect, and poor behaviour. Take the reins firmly. Would you consider taking parenting classes? I know SS offer this, maybe others do, too. I think you need some help with the psychology of children and the basic tenants of functional parenting. Feeding and dressing them and taking them to school and providing them with gadgets is NOT enough. It’s not a pet bunny rabbit, we’re talking about a complex nuanced mind you are raising.

Thats just normal parenting 😅 are you saying you haven't been limiting his screen time or making him do chores before this? Get him off of youtube for a start if his history is what it is!!

Crikey he's got you wrapped around his little finger 🤦🏼‍♀️

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
kids make mistakes I can't tell you all the stupid shit I'd done as a child/teenager. I know plenty of "bad kids" that went on the absolutely smashed it later on in life. Punish him , take his playstation away, ground him and move on.

He's just a boy. Your all sat on here ripping into him, we all know what it's like growing up. Good grief I'm glad none of you are my parents.

Indeed. This is not the worst thing he could have done. It's a variant on 'taking coins from mum's purse' (which a lot of people have admitted that they did growing up), which got out of hand due probably to a combination of inadequate supervision, a large sum of money being easily to hand, the DS not appreciating the value of money and how much he was taking, and the pressure from his 'friend'.

OP, I think your response is fine but I would continue with some of the daily chores even after the 'punishment' has ended to give your DS a sense of responsibility and contribution to the household. I'd also ensure you have adequate oversight of the content he is accessing going forward.