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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the other woman

107 replies

bstd · 16/07/2022 20:42

So I'm about to be destroyed but here goes. I'm single had a 3 year affair just ended as we were spotted by someone who saw us. He ended it but has told it wife it was a few months. I feel so so bad. Should I speak to her

OP posts:
Lotusflower16 · 16/07/2022 23:11

You feel like sh** because you've been caught and you've been dumped. What did you expect? Have you ever imagined he will leave the wife for you?
Unfortunately you won't get too much sympathy around here or in real life. You will always be the OW. You and that joke of a man hurt a woman beyond your imagination, but of course you never cared because you thought she deserved the pain.
Next time stay away from married men.

ToastedWaffle · 16/07/2022 23:20

Not classy op. Not classy.

Hope his small dick was worth the pain you've caused.

Happy40something · 16/07/2022 23:29

bstd. I am still married but all the joy is gone from my life . I have suffered a breakdown over his affair - i constantly think about ended the marriage because I will never trust him again . The betrayal is constantly on my mind . I went from being a very happy person to being a very unhappy person because of my husband's betrayal and a woman with no morals like yourself !! Please tell me , How can you sleep at night ?

MooseOfWallStreet · 16/07/2022 23:30

You only want to tell the wife in the hopes that she will leave him, leaving him finally 'single' and with no other option than you.

EarthSight · 16/07/2022 23:32

Sorry OP, but I'm finding it difficult to believe that you are genuinely sorry. I wonder if you're one of the people who say things like 'Isn't it awful ?' when actually they don't give a shit, and what they're enjoying far more is the gossip and drama of it all.

Are you sure that the reason why you're thinking about speaking to her is because you actually feel bad? Or is it because part of you wants to reveal yourself, a sort of satisfying rub-it-in-her-face moment where you will pretend to be apologetic whilst secretly savouring the moment. YES! Twas ME with whom he had the affair!.

What one earth are you going to achieve by speaking to her, he? Either it's the above scenario, or it's you just relieving yourself of some guilt.

'Sorry I've played a part in possibility giving you lifetime trust issues'?

Or how about 'Sorry for playing a part in ruining your marriage'??

Magicpaintbrush · 16/07/2022 23:35

'Disappear from their lives forever' - WTAF?? Are you really that dense? Don't you realise you will be a figure of horror in this woman's life for years to come as she tries to 'get over' what you and her husband have been doing behind her back? How stupid you are if you don't realise that the effects of your thoughtless cruelty, and that of her disgusting husband, will cast a shadow over potentially the rest of her life. You might get to 'disappear' and move on with your life, but it won't be like that for her. The trauma of the infidelity will stay with her forever, even if one day she moves on with her life, in herself she will be fundamentality changed by it and will always sleep with one eye open going forwards. How self absorbed and callous you must be not to see that. You are partially responsible for ruining someone else's life. But by all means, chuck a grenade into her life then fuck off without a backward glance. As for the husband, what an absolute two faced arsehole - even worse than you.

MusicForASushiRestaurant · 16/07/2022 23:37

Congratulations

Seventygoingunder · 16/07/2022 23:41

Leave her alone.
yes, she didn’t make the best choices but HE is the married one

LooseGoose22 · 16/07/2022 23:43

Magicpaintbrush · 16/07/2022 23:35

'Disappear from their lives forever' - WTAF?? Are you really that dense? Don't you realise you will be a figure of horror in this woman's life for years to come as she tries to 'get over' what you and her husband have been doing behind her back? How stupid you are if you don't realise that the effects of your thoughtless cruelty, and that of her disgusting husband, will cast a shadow over potentially the rest of her life. You might get to 'disappear' and move on with your life, but it won't be like that for her. The trauma of the infidelity will stay with her forever, even if one day she moves on with her life, in herself she will be fundamentality changed by it and will always sleep with one eye open going forwards. How self absorbed and callous you must be not to see that. You are partially responsible for ruining someone else's life. But by all means, chuck a grenade into her life then fuck off without a backward glance. As for the husband, what an absolute two faced arsehole - even worse than you.

Better to know than not know

He's a serial.cheater too.

PeacefulPottering · 16/07/2022 23:52

As a gf.on the cheated side once I knew he was cheating the OW became an obsession for me. I think you OP are the other woman now and don't have the upper hand so wife is becoming your obsession?

Magicpaintbrush · 16/07/2022 23:53

I absolutely agree that the wife has a right to know everything, better to know 100% - but it should come from the husband not the OW. No doubt he will lie and lie and lie though. I can't think of anything worse than hearing this stuff from the OW, literally the very last person on earth I would want that information from.

Dollymix24 · 16/07/2022 23:53

The question is why have you betrayed your own sex, to have just the dregs of a relationship. I,m guessing you must have very low self esteem to accept his conditions. I hope you may gain confidence one day to find a decent loyal kind honest man of your own.

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 17/07/2022 00:01

bstd · 16/07/2022 21:02

He has had lots of affairs he told me

So you're just one cheap and nasty in a long line of others that this cretin of a 'man' uses for easy shags behind his wife's back?

Misstes · 17/07/2022 00:01

So I guess from your last message your real reason for telling her is because you are hoping she will kick him out and he will then come back to you? Why would you want him? He has made it clear enough that you’re not important to him. If he wanted to be with you he would have left his wife three years ago.

Dreamwhisper · 17/07/2022 00:09

bstd · 16/07/2022 21:42

I will answer her questions honestly that's all. A bit worried he will want revenge though

It's pretty clear you are doing this to further engage with him. I don't think it's even really about revenge on him, he's obviously brushed you off quickly as soon as the affair has come to light and you want any reason at all for him to contact you, even if it's in anger.

Is this really the person you want to be?

Felixsmama · 17/07/2022 00:15

Don't speak to the wife. He's in damage control mode . Block him on absolutely everything when the dust settles he will come crawling out of the woodwork to restart the affair. Don't waste anymore of your life on him.

wanttokickoffbutcant · 17/07/2022 00:19

Oh dear op. Not going well for you. I have been the cheated on wife and it hard to get over but they might. Where does that leave you?

Grimoven · 17/07/2022 00:22

If he truly wanted to be with you hed have laid his cards on the table and told his wife.
He didn't because you were just his bit on the side and he had no intention of leaving his wife or his other mistresses for you.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 00:27

It is clear you are doing it to punish him, so by all means if you want to hurt her even more than you already have, go ahead.

I don't think you can claim to have her best interests at heart here.

AuntTwacky · 17/07/2022 00:32

Cut ties and move on

Louise0701 · 17/07/2022 00:33

You’re just bitter you’ve lost him and either want to break her heart or think he will come running back to you.
get some self respect and find your own man next time.

Iamthewalnut · 17/07/2022 00:36

'I'm about to be destroyed, but here goes...' Mumsnet is the last place I'd post if I was in your situation, so it's hardly surprising the responses you're getting.

For the record, I've never cheated on my husband and never would, never been the betrayed wife, and never been the "other woman" yet I appreciate life isn't black and white so I'm not going to berate you.

If I were in your shoes I'd tell her the truth so she can make her mind up, but I certainly wouldn't entertain keeping contact with him.

Lineala · 17/07/2022 00:41

JasmineVioletRose · 16/07/2022 21:06

Then he's an arsehole.

Show quote history

Of course he is, he's the one that was married . . .

LooseGoose22 · 17/07/2022 00:56

Magicpaintbrush · 16/07/2022 23:53

I absolutely agree that the wife has a right to know everything, better to know 100% - but it should come from the husband not the OW. No doubt he will lie and lie and lie though. I can't think of anything worse than hearing this stuff from the OW, literally the very last person on earth I would want that information from.

It should cone from her husband?

Lol

Why the fk would get husband telling her. And even if ge were black mailed into it, as you've pointed out he won't be truthful. A cheater MO is deny, deny, lie, deny, admit only to what wife has proof of, spin doctor, lie etc.

There's another thread where the h has saud the oe is delusional abs mentally unstable
. Then when the ow produced screenshots of his messages, she was apparently faking the messages.

Cheaters do no tell the truth until their brudges are categorically burned, even then they often won't because thry can't admit to being the bad guy, they want to protect thru reputation etc .

Junipercrumble · 17/07/2022 01:21

OP, He wont leave his wife.
She wont kick him out, especially if she knows you are in the wings waiting.
He doesnt care about you and never ever did.
He used you for sex, attention, an ego boost.
You are as indispensable to him as any of his other affairs were, despite what he may have told you.
I understand this may make you angry, but you need to face the truth.
Telling his wife is up to you, but it won't change the fact that you mean nothing to him.
FWIW, I dont think he values his wife either, because men like him only value one person, and that is themselves.
Do you really want to associate with an utterly selfish entitled creature who cannot be trusted?
You are not spilling your guts to help his wife or his family.
You would only be doing it to hurt him because I think you are hurt.
Think of this as a lucky escape.
He is not a prize.
He is a slimy entitled prick.
If you valued yourself at all, you would be disgusted by him.
You must have self esteem in negative numbers.