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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the other woman

107 replies

bstd · 16/07/2022 20:42

So I'm about to be destroyed but here goes. I'm single had a 3 year affair just ended as we were spotted by someone who saw us. He ended it but has told it wife it was a few months. I feel so so bad. Should I speak to her

OP posts:
Original poster
bstd · 16/07/2022 22:01

i did feel bad during the affair

OP posts:
Original poster
bstd · 16/07/2022 22:02

no not violent

OP posts:
LairyMcClairy · 16/07/2022 22:03

Just leave her alone. You just want the drama and connection to him, it couldn’t be more obvious and it’s sad. Invest in your own life.

heartbroken22 · 16/07/2022 22:04

She deserves to know the truth.

AdoraBell · 16/07/2022 22:06

Walk away. Block his number and emails. Only talk to his wife if she approaches you, and don’t get involved with another married man again. You are worth more and so is his wife.

Seventygoingunder · 16/07/2022 22:07

I don’t understand people saying to stay quiet. It doesn’t even matter what your motives are. Surely anyone would want to know the truth rather than platitudes from a snake trying to minimise what they did.

Misstes · 16/07/2022 22:10

Just leave her alone, she is the only innocent one in this. She will message you if she wants to.

i guess that you must be hurt and embarrassed that after three years he just dumped you like it was nothing and ran back to his wife. But that’s the life you chose by being with a married man. Move on and try and find someone of your own and pray that someone doesn’t do to you what you two have done to that poor woman.

Maytodecember · 16/07/2022 22:13

Block him on everything and move on. He’s cheated many times, he’ll do it again.

Belephant · 16/07/2022 22:14

bloodywhitecat · 16/07/2022 21:46

You are not doing this for his wife, you are doing this to eke revenge on him.

This is probably true.

But I can't help but think of my mum who would almost definitely still be stuck in her awful, toxic marriage to my dad, believing all his lies and gaslighting tactics, if it weren't for one of the "other women" setting out to cause problems.

Sometimes our intentions don't have to be good in order to produce a good outcome.

Jewel7 · 16/07/2022 22:18

If she wants to talk to you she will contact you.
She probably knows he isn’t telling the truth.
You need to block him and move on with your life.
Some men can’t have just 1 woman sounds like he may be one of those.
Have you asked yourself why you let yourself be the other woman for so long? Don’t you deserve more than that too?

Crikeyalmighty · 16/07/2022 22:21

If she contacts you then you should be honest- if I was her I would want to know the truth- you did a crappy thing but if you are honest you will enable her to make choices knowing the full story

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/07/2022 22:42

bstd · 16/07/2022 22:01

i did feel bad during the affair

Bullshit. You felt bad so you carried on for years. Clearly not that bad hey.

MyDogsTheBestDog · 16/07/2022 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Happy40something · 16/07/2022 22:54

My husband had a long term affair , so I'm speaking from experience - you have no idea the pain you have caused his wife -She will start to grieve for the husband and marriage she thought she had - You will have forever cause this innocent woman to suffer emotionally .. I know one thing for sure I could never ever do that to another person and be able to live with myself .Shame on you !! I hope KARMA catches up with you !!

Original poster
bstd · 16/07/2022 22:56

are you still married

OP posts:
katieg03 · 16/07/2022 22:56

Eewwww. If you think he just had you and the wife on the go I'd seriously doubt that. He's probably being sticking his doo daa in plenty of women. You both need an STI test. If you has a moral compass in the beginning you'd have stayed away from her husband. Would you like that done to you or one of your daughter's? I doubt it.

Chasingclouds100 · 16/07/2022 23:00

Hope you are ok. Ignore the negative comments on here - they don’t know your story. I wouldn’t meet up with the wife if I were you, it won’t help. The best thing you can do is try to move on and put all this behind you. Take care

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/07/2022 23:04

Cut contact
and try and move on x
we all make mistakes

but let’s be clear yours was a far lesser mistake than his

i wouldn’t speak to her
why ! Why open yourself to that

his problem

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/07/2022 23:05

ZaraSizeMedium · 16/07/2022 20:54

You weren’t bothered about her having the facts to decide her future over the past 3 years.

Why the faux concern for her now?

This

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/07/2022 23:07

And wouldn’t it be nice to have a relationship where you don’t have to feel bad ?
try to envision this

3 years is a hell of a time
one day you’ll look back and be like Wtf was I doing there

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/07/2022 23:07

bstd · 16/07/2022 22:56

are you still married

Why? Are you hoping the poster will say no, so that you can tell his wife hoping she leaves him and gets back with you?

CornishTiger · 16/07/2022 23:07

If she comes to you be honest.

Don’t seek her out. Cut contact with him and work out why you allowed this to happen.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/07/2022 23:08

Ignore the negative comments on here - they don’t know your story.

What the fact she has knowingly been shagging a married man dor 3 years?

You make it sound like she had no choice.

Ginger2022 · 16/07/2022 23:09

This guy doesn't deserve a relationship he should just admit to himself he is incapable of fidelity and be a bachelor and sleep around if that rings his bell.

Blue4YOU · 16/07/2022 23:10

I smell BS. Has someone been on the gin?