Biggest life changing regret.

[Nellynelnel]

Mine is not having children. The wondering of what my life would have been like if I did.

Do you have any life changes regrets? If so would you like to share?

Deciding to move to Canada instead of Stoke On Trent.

Biggest mistake of mine and DH’s lives, we’ve paid for it for 17 years and our DC will pay for it in terms of not having an inheritance to help them get on the housing ladder which they desperately need in these times. Probably altered the trajectory of their lives too.

In general, I think I made good decisions. Where I have made poor decisions, it’s because I had poor advice or information, and I don’t regret the decision itself. I did the best I could with what I had at the time.

I regret not travelling, but hope there’s time to rectify that. I regret being so passive in my marriage. I sort of just accepted that DH would make all the decisions and rode along with a lot of them, even if I would have chosen something different. It was quite subtle, and very insidious, but I just let him limit me by giving his choices priority. I had great job opportunities, but I don’t think I even considered going for them, as they would have involved moving, and there was no question of him modifying his career - he was older and always one step ahead in seniority and earnings (and somehow authority). It was pointless arguing with him anyway, so I sort of gave up and just followed in his wake. Not all the time, but on plenty of big and small things. I should have respected what I wanted for myself more and stood up for it. I didn’t really think about what I wanted, I thought about what possible within the choices he’d made about where he would live, and work. I wish I had done my own thing more and let him decide to pitch in with me or not. I certainly wouldn’t do that now!

Getting married.

Not trusting or knowing myself enough to say no.

Not being taught anything about relationships when younger, so ended up getting together with a man who treated me with contempt and became emotionally abusive over time. The only good thing out of that relationship is my DC's but I do wish they could have had a nuclear family, and I could have had a DH who adored me.

Being so desperate to leave the control and oppression of my parents that I bought a flat I shouldn't have gone near with a barge pole in my 20's which nearly ruined my mental health. Sold it at a loss, and spent 5 years recovering from it. If I'd bought the place I should have done at that time, I'd be living in a million pubs house now, with a couple of rental flats as investments.

Why do you regret not having kids OP? If you don't mind me asking.

Wow Stoke on Trent is better than Canada? Tell me more!

Taking my money out of bitcoin in 2016. I’d be a millionaire now.

This strikes a chord with me too - DS is 4mo and was on 2nd centile with 19% weight loss one week out of hospital due to milk supply issues - he never showed any signs of being unwell which even the midwives and doctors commented on when we were hospitalised for 'refeeding', triple feeding every two hours, weigh ins every 48hours for weeks. I gained two stone in about a month from the lack of sleep, and the guilt and stress. He's up to 15th centile now which feels fine for him, he's looks so healthy, but its overshadowed a lot of his early weeks for me and reading this makes me think I'm resolutely not going to let it anymore.

Not going to Art School. I went to uni instead and just coasted along in a subject i was good at, but didn't light me inside. I fell into teaching, and although I do like teaching, after 27 years of it I feel unfulfilled personally and creatively. I wonder how my life would have been different.

Not meeting DP 20 years before I did. He's the most wonderful person on the planet- yet we both had unhappy marriages. We could have set the world alight if we'd been together all those years. Don't regret my wonderful DC at all, and I suppose I wouldn't have had them if we'd have met sooner.

Mine is spending so much of my energy on romantic relationships. To me relationships are a massive crock of shit. I feel I’ve been sold a lie and I’ve been distracted from things that I would rather have been doing.

I don’t have kids due to relationship history. Arguably I would feel different if I was part of a family, but I don’t know.

Find it hard to regret anything as much of it was to do with my parents and their expectations of me, coupled with abuse and emotional neglect. Things happened the way they were meant to and there was no way I was going to stand up to anyone in the set up I was born into. I wasn’t magically going to find self esteem and not get myself into the situations I did. Had to navigate through everything myself and deal with it internally. Thanks mum and dad for being so useless.

Definitely regret spending so much time working in a job I didn’t particularly love, and using my evenings to go out boozing with friends (fun as it was), rather than building the career I really wanted before I had kids. Once babies come along, spare time disappears.

I’m doing what I want now when it comes to work, but entering a highly competitive field in one’s 40s isn’t the best.

Not having any access to grief counselling when my father died suddenly when I was a very young teenager. The effects of it all echoed through decades of my life in horrible, horrible ways, and I still struggle with certain things.

I spent years and years thinking I was verging on evil. It's so hard to come back from.

I regret marrying so early. If I didn't stay in a certain northern city after uni for my then boyfriend I would've returned home to London and lived my life out there. I wish I lived alone for awhile to explore my own taste, preferences, and view of the world without being influenced or limited by a man.

Married exh young and had a couple of kids. When my kids were small (1&2) I worked with a man I fell madly in love with, he confessed he felt the same and I was so torn and felt so guilty. Knew I couldn’t leave Dh so I left my job instead to save me from the temptation of the man I had fallen for and who felt so right for me. I had to give me marriage a shot for my kids sake, despite the fact that I think I knew deep down that it was doomed and I’d regretted marrying him.
over the next 10 years and Dh became depressed and agressive towards me as the years went on. I was so unhappy and lived on egg shells for years. One day at my lowest point when I’d just had a row so bad with Dh that he’d smacked me round the face and smashed my car up with a bat I was wandering round sainsburys in a daze, I bumped into the guy I’d worked with all those years ago. Despite me moving areas he was now working in same said area. We clicked instantly again but I was too beaten down to peruse it. A week later he messaged me on Facebook to tell me he knew I was suffering and that he had always loved me and if I ever needed him he would be there for me. 2 weeks later after another violent argument I walked out on my exdh and took my kids with me. I left everything behind.
Said guy and I have been happily married now for over 10 years. He is my soulmate and we are perfect for each other. I wish I’d left my exh much much sooner.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What was the medical procedure if you don't mind sharing.

Having a child.
The birth was traumatising (didn't need to be if NHS would give a damn about women's pain), accepting the body changes has been hard and parenting is a slog. I miss my carefree life.

Wasting a lot of money.
Not buying a home earlier.
Swiping right on my ex.

Are you in a better place now.

That sounds so tough.you can still 're wire those thoughts.keep reminding yourself of that. It takes alot of often painful repetition though.
And look how far you've come when I'm sure there were day a you felt truly lost and wouldn't.
And don't blame yourself for what your head did to survive a trauma.it was trying toprotect you.

Not having the relationship with my parents, that I would have loved to have had, sadly not to be.

There's a Terry Pratchett passage which I will very poorly precis. The bloke talks about what life would have been like if they had married and had children. The women says, "but what about the terrible fire that ripped through the home and destroyed everything?".

We know the bad that happened with the choices we made. We don't know the bad that would have happened had we chosen differently.

I like my life. Any decision which got me here is good. Even the years of bloody shite. Should I have married exH who was really not OK? Well, it taught me so much and I probably wouldn't have chosen the wonderful person who is DH if I didn't know that. My scars are learning.

I do wish I'd asked my wonderful grandmother about her life. I suspect I would have regretted pressing her though.

Being a hot mess as a kid and teenager and making so many poor decisions which still haunt me. Fortunately it’s not affected my adult life and has only shaped who I am today, but I wish my parents had been more involved with raising me and present instead of leaving me to my own devices and figuring it out for myself.

We know the bad that happened with the choices we made. We don't know the bad that would have happened had we chosen differently.
I like my life. Any decision which got me here is good. Even the years of bloody shite.

Totally agree @MrsTerryPratchett Even some of my less wise decisions had good points which have positively impacted me now, even if only in a "don't do that again" way. I could've regretted a costly house move/relationship split combo but I have many great memories of living there and the area that I would've missed out on had I not done it. Also I wouldn't have met the friend that turned out to be a huge positive influence on me years later, leading me to get a job I love.