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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Biggest life changing regret.

309 replies

Nellynelnel · 15/07/2022 20:04

Mine is not having children. The wondering of what my life would have been like if I did.

Do you have any life changes regrets? If so would you like to share?

OP posts:
Newmum1998 · 16/07/2022 12:47

Dating my son’s dad.
He turned out to be incredibly abusive to me (and has a history of it, previous convictions of domestic abuse and stalking that I wasn’t aware of at the time I fell pregnant) and he has very bad drug and alcohol problems that I wasn’t aware of at the time either (I fell pregnant very quickly into the relationship despite being on the pill)
His family are just as twisted and as vile people as he is and they are dragging me through court at the moment for contact. He never even cared about our son when we were together and was more interested in abusing me in front of our child leaving him extremely distressed on many occasions
I have a lot of days I feel overwhelmed with guilt at the dad I have chosen for my son and really honestly hate myself for it
He will more than likely get contact and use it to ruin my son’s life and mine and there’s not really anything I can do about it as he is my son’s dad who will more than likely always be apart of mine and my sons life in some way so I know I’ll never be able to get us away from him
I know he is his dad but all he does is cause devastation, he ruins lives and I don’t trust him one bit near our child he is a very dangerous man

MrsMcisaCt · 16/07/2022 12:57

Having a termination for medical reasons 8 years ago. I feel guilty every day. It probably wouldn't have been as bad as I'd feared and we could have coped. I'm so sorry baby Joseph x

EarringsandLipstick · 16/07/2022 13:28

Equimum · 16/07/2022 11:15

Not pushing DH for a third child when I was younger and our second was a toddler. I knew it was what I wanted and we would cope, but DH was worried we couldn't afford. In my late 30s, he changed his mind, but we had three awful miscarriages (physically as well as emotionally) and I think that's made it all worse. Two years on we are still big really struggling with this. I am still heartbroken that I didn't have the family I wanted and DH is full of regret that he kept saying we should wait. I know we are so lucky to have the two beautiful children we do, and I feel guilty for how I feel, knowing that others don't have that, but none-the-less I still really struggle to move on.

Your post really moved me 😔

I hope you & DH can separately & as a couple move on from it - not meaning to invalidate your entirely understandable feelings. 💐

EarringsandLipstick · 16/07/2022 13:30

MrsMcisaCt · 16/07/2022 12:57

Having a termination for medical reasons 8 years ago. I feel guilty every day. It probably wouldn't have been as bad as I'd feared and we could have coped. I'm so sorry baby Joseph x

Oh @MrsMcisaCt that's really sad you feel this way - you made the right decision for you & your baby at the time. I hope you have support IRL

Threebutterflies · 16/07/2022 13:45

Thehonestybox · 16/07/2022 10:40

Self-harming like crazy one day when I was 12. I have really thin skin so my arms are still covered in scars decades later and I wasted all holidays and summers throughout my 20s in long sleeves and tights because I was worried about people staring!

@Thehonestybox
Hi I can relate to this. I did it when I was 14 all up my arms. Now I’m 40 and have spent all those years trying to cover it. tried tattoos , then tattoo removal, acid peels, everything .

Threebutterflies · 16/07/2022 13:50

Not going to Uni
Not travelling and having fun before I had kids
Having kids with shit men
Not buying a house
Having 2 abortions
So my whole life basically lol

Catfordthefifth · 16/07/2022 13:54

@Threebutterflies have you tried laser skin resurfacing? That can work on scarring (sorry if you didn't want any suggestions!) X

Loobyloo68 · 16/07/2022 14:04

Turning down a date aged 17 with the man I'm married to now, to go on one with the man I married and then divorced.

Apollonia1 · 16/07/2022 14:38

I wish I had always overpaid my pension.

Part of me wishes I had bought a house soon after leaving university (for the capital appreciation). But another part of me loved being free - lived abroad for years, travelled loads, no ties.

Ohthatsexciting · 16/07/2022 16:13

Apollonia1 · 16/07/2022 14:38

I wish I had always overpaid my pension.

Part of me wishes I had bought a house soon after leaving university (for the capital appreciation). But another part of me loved being free - lived abroad for years, travelled loads, no ties.

Had you bought that house and not had those years of “freedom” I suspect your regret would be much stronger

kateandme · 16/07/2022 16:29

Newmum1998 · 16/07/2022 12:47

Dating my son’s dad.
He turned out to be incredibly abusive to me (and has a history of it, previous convictions of domestic abuse and stalking that I wasn’t aware of at the time I fell pregnant) and he has very bad drug and alcohol problems that I wasn’t aware of at the time either (I fell pregnant very quickly into the relationship despite being on the pill)
His family are just as twisted and as vile people as he is and they are dragging me through court at the moment for contact. He never even cared about our son when we were together and was more interested in abusing me in front of our child leaving him extremely distressed on many occasions
I have a lot of days I feel overwhelmed with guilt at the dad I have chosen for my son and really honestly hate myself for it
He will more than likely get contact and use it to ruin my son’s life and mine and there’s not really anything I can do about it as he is my son’s dad who will more than likely always be apart of mine and my sons life in some way so I know I’ll never be able to get us away from him
I know he is his dad but all he does is cause devastation, he ruins lives and I don’t trust him one bit near our child he is a very dangerous man

Many people in your sons situation don't have a protector like you luv.you can be there to steer him,show him hope,love,goodness. You can I promise.
Don't let the guilt weigh you down.be a powerhouse so that nothing can touch your son.be soft so he knows he can fold into you.be calm and collected so he knows he's safe.be happy be joyous you ha e him so he knows how to come home to.
You can regret it bit you don't give up on being able to protect your boy.you don't no what s going to happen but if you either and become engrossed in guilt they win and you weaken.show them they failed in breaking you
Show your boy how to be good.and he will be.can be.

Welshrarebitontoast · 16/07/2022 17:39

Ticktockbigclock · 16/07/2022 10:17

Yeah I feel like that. Appeasing knobheads too much.

Show quote history

That’s such a great way of putting it! Appeasing knobheads

chocolatesnaps · 16/07/2022 20:23

ancientgran · 16/07/2022 10:28

You have so much in front of you. I left school at 15 with no qualifications by 21 I was married with 2 kids, a mortgage and an alcoholic husband. I did A levels, did a degree by day release, got divorced, remarried and 2 more children. All before I hit 40.

Studying when you have children isn't as bad as people think, we used to be sitting at the dining table doing our homework together and I think it made me a good role model for them.

Regrets aren't worth it, your life could be drastically different in a matter of years. Good luck.

Show quote history

@ancientgran so inspiring! 💞

mamasnetmum · 16/07/2022 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Deafdonkey · 16/07/2022 21:00

Mine is ongoing, that I'm still here in a miserable marriage, another night being poorly treated and yet no escape possible.

whatisheupto · 16/07/2022 21:13

@KevinTheAnt I'm so, so sorry. It does indeed make all other regrets pale in comparison. I can't imagine the pain you must feel and the awful trauma you must have been though. I hope you have support.🌷

littlerayofsunshine0 · 16/07/2022 21:30

Twobigsapphires · 16/07/2022 02:50

Married exh young and had a couple of kids. When my kids were small (1&2) I worked with a man I fell madly in love with, he confessed he felt the same and I was so torn and felt so guilty. Knew I couldn’t leave Dh so I left my job instead to save me from the temptation of the man I had fallen for and who felt so right for me. I had to give me marriage a shot for my kids sake, despite the fact that I think I knew deep down that it was doomed and I’d regretted marrying him.
over the next 10 years and Dh became depressed and agressive towards me as the years went on. I was so unhappy and lived on egg shells for years. One day at my lowest point when I’d just had a row so bad with Dh that he’d smacked me round the face and smashed my car up with a bat I was wandering round sainsburys in a daze, I bumped into the guy I’d worked with all those years ago. Despite me moving areas he was now working in same said area. We clicked instantly again but I was too beaten down to peruse it. A week later he messaged me on Facebook to tell me he knew I was suffering and that he had always loved me and if I ever needed him he would be there for me. 2 weeks later after another violent argument I walked out on my exdh and took my kids with me. I left everything behind.
Said guy and I have been happily married now for over 10 years. He is my soulmate and we are perfect for each other. I wish I’d left my exh much much sooner.

congratulations @twobigsapphires sounds like yous were meant to be. I live the life you used to live. x

overthinkersanonnymus · 16/07/2022 21:35

I'm in the midst of what I know will be my biggest regret, which is really sad

I can't get control of a panic disorder which has given me travel anxiety and I haven't been on holiday with my family for ten years.

Aria999 · 16/07/2022 21:57

@MrsTerryPratchett

Granny Weatherwax talks a lot of sense

Aria999 · 16/07/2022 21:59

Although that book is playing with the idea of the multiverse being real and everything that could have happened does happen in some universe.

shabadab · 16/07/2022 22:41

Marrying someone with NPD
it has destroyed me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2022 22:43

Aria999 · 16/07/2022 21:57

@MrsTerryPratchett

Granny Weatherwax talks a lot of sense

She certainly does @Aria999 Grin

kateandme · 17/07/2022 05:45

overthinkersanonnymus · 16/07/2022 21:35

I'm in the midst of what I know will be my biggest regret, which is really sad

I can't get control of a panic disorder which has given me travel anxiety and I haven't been on holiday with my family for ten years.

Have you been given any help for it.
Are your family supportive.could you do a UK holiday or mini break?

Allicando · 17/07/2022 06:44

5 years ago after splitting with my dc father I met somebody else. We married 2.5 years ago and I relocated 40 miles away to be nearer to him. I sold my beautiful house that I had recently bought and renovated and it was perfect in every way. When I moved I bought a cheaper (still lovely house), paid off debts and renovated this house. My second marriage has now broken down and next year I will move back to my home town. I bitterly regret selling my old house, I couldn't afford to buy it again now and houses like that are rare.

shrekssister · 17/07/2022 07:43

@kateandme

Empathise. 25 years into mine and it's getting worse again (after developing PTSD due to a couple of events that happened last year).

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