Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

Also you do realise he's only saying he lied/was wring and is now validating you, because his relationship with the other woman hasnt worked out.

If if had, you'd have no such validation.
Validation from him is worthless.

@TotallyUninspired
I've been following since your post when you found out about the affair. My husband has done exactly the same, had an affair from at least last August, was being moody and distant then told me he'd supposedly been unhappy for years and was leaving (in April). He has said some really awful things about our life together (over 18 years) and doesn't seem to give a shit about the impact this has had on our 2 teenage children.

I completely understand why you feel how do now he's saying he wants to come back. I would love for my husband to say it was all a mistake, be truly sorry and want to come back (he's still seeing the OW but is living with his parents). But I know I could never trust him now, if he turned up as your DH has saying all that I think I'd have to say it's all too little too late. However, if he was willing to stay living on his own, have counselling, and massively try to put things right (god knows how really) I don't think I'd 100% rule out potentially reconciling. It would have to be on my terms though.

It's hard when you had what you thought was a happy life and still love them, the person my DH is currently though is not the person I spent over 18 years with. I never ever thought he was capable of such cruelty.

If you are considering taking your DH back I'd not tell him that and just say you're willing to spend some time together doing things as a family (if you are) then see how things go, I'd not allow him to spend any time in your home.

Just picking up one thing, you say you are not ready forgive and forget. Firstly, that’s the way feel and no one can force you to change that feeling.

Also, something I realised during therapy, forgiveness can be about you letting go of the issue that holds you back, and moving on with your life. Therefore when and if that happens you don’t have to validate his BS by telling him he’s forgiven.

Hope that makes sense.

It felt like validation to have him admit all those things

hmm be careful here. He is only telling you those things because he wants something from you. He did not say it as he was leaving you, only now he is on his own and wants to backtrack. What he has done is validated himself as a

Even this 'could then see she was completely unsuited to him', It is all about him, never mind that he was (probably) completely wrong for her. If she had been 'suitable' for him he would not be at your door saying your marriage was fantastic and whatever else he thinks it would take for you to take him back.

Aiming for an amicable parting of ways is probably best for both of you.

Did you find out what steps you would have to do, to be financially safe for both you and your children?

Are the children happy with their visits to their father, as he did say would rather be single (if he doesn't end up with her) than be with me and our children or is he working on them being super dad, to turn their minds and gaslighting you?

You must protect at all costs your and their mental health as well as future finances.

@Reigateforever I am resolute in protecting the children and myself both mentally and financially.
I don't think he's faking a mental health crisis for what it's worth but I don't think that excuses anything either.

@TheWhistler2 I'm sorry you're in the same boat. We had also been together for 18 years (married 14).

OP - you say you don't think he's faking a mental health crisis.

He might not be! But if he is suffering from a mental health crisis, it isn't because he's broken at how much hurt he has caused you. He isn't feeling guilty about having sex with a woman other than you, putting your health at risk, breaking your heart and destroying you emotionally. He isn't suffering from how badly he treated you and the guilt of verbally and emotionally abusing his wife. He isn't suffering from some sort of psychosis which has lead him to have an affair, manipulate the entire situation to pain himself as the victim and then leave with the OW, a mental health crisis didn't cause that.

I can almost promise you that his "mental health crisis" is him feeling gutted about the fact that he threw away his old life for the OW who has dumped him, and now he's stuck with no where to go and no one to want him. He's licking his wounds and feeling sorry for himself, because instead of being able to have an ex-wife to look after the kids and then a younger shag and a fancy new life, he now has neither.

You seem like the easier option to him, he is probably well aware at how much he has hurt you, which makes you easier for him to manipulate. He knows you're a good woman and that you love(ed) him, so he figures that his best chances are to come back to you with a sob story about mental health (which he'd conveniently never mentioned to you before during your marriage), to make you feel sorry for him. He is counting on you giving into his manipulation.

That all seems like quite a big assumption, maybe he was just genuinely trying to get you back? Well in that case a love letter, a phone call, a sheepish text to test the waters, some flowers on the doorstep. But he didn't do that, because he knew that would give you the opportunity to turn him down, or to think too much about your response. It's absolutely manipulation because he ambushed you on your doorstep to catch you off guard, while you're at your most unsuspecting, to suddenly drop this bombshell on the life that you've already been trying to repair.

He doesn't give a fuck about the hurt, heartbreak and damage he has caused. He just wanted to say all the right things in the most effective way possible to get him back into the house as soon as possible.

Do not trust him. His actions have shown you who he really is and he does not sound like the sort of man that you should ever lower yourself to loving. You are so strong, you have achieved so much, you are coping so well and you WILL get through this. Grieve for the man you thought you loved, for the man you thought he married, because he is gone. He no longer exists, and the person he thinks he is coming home to no longer exists. He has changed you irreparably, he is the last person you need around in order to fix yourself and come back stronger.

don't think he's faking a mental health crisis

Well he has just thrown a 14 yr marriage in the trash for a woman it didn't work out with after 2 weeks together (not behind their spouse's backs, that is) whom he thought was the love of his life, and now he's having to try to crawl back .... that would make most people a little discombobulated.

They've either just broken up (and he's lying to you) or he's just realised how much a divorce is going to cost him.

He's not sorry.

He hasn't changed.

He will do it again.

OP, you know that it's common knowledge that men compartmentalise when they are having an affair? Also that they create a different version of you both in their own heads and what they tell the OW?
Now that he's realised he wants back with you, is it possible this chain of events (i.e. he started to realise what he had done in creating the fake version of you/his two worlds collided/he feels guilt at betraying the 'real' you) has caused some mental health crisis in him?

@TotallyUninspired
This thread has garnered a lot of responses. Please don't take him back. My ex engaged in a series of affairs on and off for 4 years until I was brave enough to pull the plug. I wasted a lot of life on a liar and a cheat. To add insult to injury, this prolonged my marriage and the lazy scoundrel ended up with most of the equity, primary residence and tried their luck at spousal maintenance because I was the higher earner. Luckily I got spousal maintenance (and a mesher order) taken off the table, there was no way I was maintaining any financial ties with a cheat and a liar like that.

If you have him back he will slowly start to change the narrative again so you were both at fault and the marriage did have problems. Run your own life. Be you. You are enough. Enjoy yourself.

Possibly the affair I could forgive in time but not his cruel, remorseless and shameless behaviour afterwards. You’d be foolish to go down this path with him OP. I’m sorry this has happened to you, it must’ve been terrible.

A cheat us a cheat though and we can dress it up any way we like but in fairness they have form so I wouldn't ever trust him to stay married to him, by all means if you can manage to have a good relationship for the sake of the children you would be doing well.

I could potentially get over the cheating...it would depend on the circumstances but I might be able to get past that. Walking out on the family while blaming and denigrating me, then coming back because it all fell apart within days with OW...no. Stone cold dead. That's not human weakness, that's gratuitous cruelty and callousness.

When is the joint counseling? Are you still going?

Hiya I left my OH a few weeks ago in similar circumstances to yourself. He became brutal, cruel and OW was involved (although he was still in denial even when I left) despite the rapid change in his behaviour etc etc.
If he were to come crawling back there would be no chance. The words he used towards me can never ever be unsaid and neither could his cruelty be forgotten. He took my insecurities and turned them onto me for the sake of justifying his behaviour and getting involved with someone else. I would rather do this alone than go through the risk he would do it again.
The pain he put me through from the very person I never thought would do this can never ever be forgiven. You have got this far, don't let him hurt you again.

I went to the joint counselling session. It was a positive experience and I think it was worth doing. It hasn't made me any more inclined to get back together with him.

Maybe it makes it easier to move on?

What did he say?

www.chumplady.com/

Please buy and read Leave a cheater. Gain a life.

It will change your world.

I promote you he is not a unicorn (read the book/blog). They don't exist. He will do it again and again. They are all hideous human beings and only care about themselves. You will thank yourself for getting rid.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I feel your pain like so many others do.

You've got this 💪

Go to a counselor/coach of your choice by yourself, to help build yourself up

wow he got you doing that quickly
so he can only be himself with you-what abusive then

id bet my house she chucked him out when she realised what he was really like and his little begging act is exactly that-an act

So was he putting the blame on you for the affair or was it woe is me bollocks and I’m so so so sorry crap or was it worse? I just hope he wasn’t aggressive or abusive at the session.

Id take it a day at a time and move on with the divorce.

you must be really overwhelmed with the amount of posts telling you to throw this in a trash asap