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Original poster

Mind. Blown.

415 replies

TotallyUninspired · 11/07/2022 17:04

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/07/2022 01:56

Pinkyxx · 12/07/2022 01:13

Op I was you many years ago. Despite astonishing cruelty on his part, I took him back (numerous times). I craved the validation, and wanted to believe he’d had some kind of epiphany. He was prone to similar grand gestures like just turning up, effusive self deprecating apologies devoid of any real accountability yet professing complete reform… he knew just what buttons to push. Each time I took him back I lost a little more of myself, compromised more, lost my grip on reality a little more. It’s slightly perverse but I think I’d invested so much pain by then, it all felt worth it? While it seems absurd to me now in retrospect, given just how cruel he’d already been to me & our child, I was wholly unprepared for the scale of cruelty he unleashed when he finally left. If I could say one thing to my younger self it would be:

He’s shown you who he is, believe him.

What did he actually do @Pinkyxx to make you actually smell the coffee and how did you rebuild?

Mothership4two · 12/07/2022 02:13

I wouldn't open the door a crack for him and agreeing to couples counselling might make him think you want him back. I would carry on as you have been OP being civil but no friendly chats and/or cups of tea. He may turn nasty again when he realises it's not going to happen, but that's on him. You may still love him (which is hard for you) but he has shown that he doesn't love you or have much respect for you. OW probably has had enough of him and kicked him out.

Fraaahnces · 12/07/2022 02:30

Desperate. No one else will have him. Knob.

Namechangenumber23 · 12/07/2022 04:00

So when he was cheating behind your back he was lying and you though all was ok up until you didn't?

Then he left rewriting history and lying about you, your relationship past and present, generally being a nasty POS?

Now he's "back" acknowledging that he knew he cheated and that was bad and YES, he knew he made up all that gas lighting crap he told you (just to validate himself and justify him leaving you and the affair).

You're supposed to believe him NOW, after all of that?

He has admitted he's lied to you, (easily) more than once. He has basically told you (without realising most likely, the dickhead), that he is a liar and you cannot trust him.

You owe him NOTHING. No joint counselling, you won't get the truth etc.. just him hoovering you up into what is his current take this month and new narrative on what happened. AKA; Operation Salve My Conscience and Save My Finances.

Grey rock. Contact only for the essentials to do with DC and everything else via your solicitor.

Aside from that 💐 for all the crap you been through so far, this will have blindsided you but stay strong

blisstwins · 12/07/2022 05:39

Tell him your ground rules for not continuing with the divorce at the moment are that you live apart for at least a year while you date, go to counseling, and he would have to sign a post militias agreement with a severe penalty for future cheating—or just tell him to take a hike.

blisstwins · 12/07/2022 05:42

Btw, when I went through this it took me a really long time to stop loving my ex husband. He was so in the family/father of my children part of my brain I struggled to be mad, even though he was a monster really. Your feelings will change, as they should. If it all just a shock to normal/decent people.

collieresponder88 · 12/07/2022 06:04

Tell him sorry but your having much better sex with a hot 25 year old. Thanks but no thanks

Eviebeans · 12/07/2022 06:11

From experience I would say that he's looking at finances in the context of divorce and they're not adding up.
He may now be saying that he loves you (and that he wants to come home right now - because he doesn't like it out in the real world)and you may feel that you still love him.
Remember that you're not looking at resuming an old relationship (that has long gone)
You're looking at starting a new relationship albeit with the same person. He doesn't sound like good friend material let alone for a relationship.
The answer is for you to learn to love yourself more - my guess is that you're worth more than what he has to offer.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/07/2022 06:16

How confusing

but My guess is that when you don’t want to re-engage
he will get nasty again x
which will help you stand firm

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/07/2022 06:19

A lot of people are optimistic about how much they will lose in a divorce, when their £300 an hr lawyers telling them the starting point it all starts looking less attractive than having a faux mental health episode and trying to reconcile.

redfairy · 12/07/2022 06:37

He's asking to come back because it didn't work out with OW. You are his second choice. How do you feel about that?

MissusPongo · 12/07/2022 06:52

This is quite common with mid life crisis affair men, especially the nastiness- it’s like they get hold of the idea that, if it wasn’t for you, they’d be living the dream and 25 again and so you become the repository for all their disappointments and frustrations in life. And then they leave and very quickly discover that what they blamed on you was actually just life/them/the passage of time. At which point they realise what they’ve thrown away.

This has happened to two friends of mine, absolutely textbook. One has taken her husband back, one is still in the long process of deciding. I’m not going to attempt to tell you what to do- if you are in two minds at all, give it some time. If he really is genuine and contrite, there is no rush. If he wants an immediate answer, that suggests he hasn’t realised the seriousness of what he’s done. Give it some time and the right way to proceed will emerge. I’m sorry that you’ve been put through this.

Ladybug14 · 12/07/2022 06:57

You have seen and heard his ability to be cruel and unkind. That means he could be that way again.

Why would you want to set yourself up to experience pain again?

Hollywolly1 · 12/07/2022 07:14

The way I see it is you survived over the last 4 months without him and obviously you have been through a lot of pain so just keep going you are nearly there.I wouldn't consider going to a counselling session with him as whats the point,you already know he's a cheat so you won't learn anything new only to have to listen to his lies. He has made his bed let him lie on it.

velvetvixen · 12/07/2022 07:20

the fact is this has sent me reeling

That was his intention. That's why he turned up at your doorstep the manipulating sod.

It's all about HIM isn't it.

Please don't think you've 'won' over OW. He's using you to get his cushy life back.

Whatsthestoryboringglory · 12/07/2022 07:28

One of my exes used to pull the turning up out of the blue stunt. It took me a long time to realise it was designed to throw me off balance, unprepared, and I was too polite/thrown to tell him to go away.

The last time he did it, he turned up at my WORK and asked to speak to me. I gave up my lunch break to listen to him drone on, then told him never to turn up again and I blocked him on every route possible. It felt fucking empowering.

You will have your lightbulb moment too. You are worth so much more than the crumbs he gives you.

dancemom · 12/07/2022 07:34

OP you are worth more than he could ever give you. He didn't respect you when he thought something better was on offer. That can't ever be changed. You are worthy of respect.

Happy40something · 12/07/2022 07:42

I think if you do get back together, your marriage will never be the same. It's forever stained . You'll forever second guess everything he says to you and you'll always wonder if he still have feelings for the OW or if he really loves you . You'll never have peace of mind in that marriage again. I talking from experience. Men like him will lie to get what suits them.. Even someday if you forgive him ,you'll never ever forget and that's no way to live .. I wish you the very best xx

CinnamonJellyBeans · 12/07/2022 07:46

...and don't go to the joint counselling either. He knows you can be manipulated easily, so he wants you to sit there as a captive audience while the counsellor and him gaslight you, excuse and minimise his actions.

MissusPongo · 12/07/2022 08:01

Yes, I don’t think the joint counselling sounds like a good idea. Even if you decide to give him a chance, it’s not appropriate now when you’re feeling completely dumbstruck. Some counselling on your own might be helpful though.

LunchPoems · 12/07/2022 08:09

blisstwins · 12/07/2022 05:42

Btw, when I went through this it took me a really long time to stop loving my ex husband. He was so in the family/father of my children part of my brain I struggled to be mad, even though he was a monster really. Your feelings will change, as they should. If it all just a shock to normal/decent people.

Very well said, I was exactly the same

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 08:24

He doesn't appear to gave mentioned your children in his "I want back, I've never stopped loving you, it was all a mental health break" narrative ..... dif and mention them?

Has he even acknowledged in the slightest that hid actions must have deepky affected them, however much you tried to avoid it. And does not think to move straight back in or soon?

You've said they're not being disturbed/destabilised in the current set up.... you more of a parent and a decent person than he'll ever be. He is one selfish fuck. He did that to his kids as well as you; for an adulterous relationship that apparently dying even have the legs to stand for more than 2 weeks after he took his "freedom".

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 08:29

*did he even mention them?

Did he suggest paying for counselling for them too, or is it just the self serving, manipulative couples counselling he thinks is necessary.

Bet he'd move back into their home tomorrow if you let him. Probably thinks everyone would be delighted to have him ,the man of the house, back in his rightful place (the one he shat on and threw away when it suited him).

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 08:38

Oh BTW, did he manage to hold down his job and function in most other ways during this significant me tak health episode?

Was it only really your marriage and family he jettisoned?

How odd, and how very convenient now hos new relationship hasnt worked out and divorce is probably looking undesirable.

LooseGoose22 · 12/07/2022 08:38

*mental health episode

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