Mind. Blown.

[TotallyUninspired]

Some of you may remember my previous thread. Back in March I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger (also married) woman. He was very cruel to me in the months leading up to me finding out and brutal after I found out - saying she offered things that I didn't, that I was boring, that it was my fault because blah blah blah. It felt like if he could have blamed me for the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez oil spill he would have.

Off he went, leaving the children and I broken-hearted. I gave up trying to reason with him very quickly and have maintained as little contact as possible with him ever since, with him constantly pushing for friendly chats and cups of tea that I absolutely do not want to have. We've sorted out a childcare arrangement but the financial stuff is unresolved as yet.

Today I got home from dropping the kids off to find him outside. He wants to come back. He's never stopped loving me, apparently, he was just having some kind of mental health crisis and I am the only person he can truly be himself with. He says that he fully takes responsibility for the affair and for destroying our marriage, that he will never forgive himself and his life isn't worth living now. He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him. He admits he rewrote history and that we had a good marriage and says it was his own insecurity that led him to this. He is having counselling to try and address his issues and asked if there was any way I would give him another chance.

I am so fucking bewildered. I don't know what on earth to do. It felt like validation to have him admit all those things but it could never be the same relationship again. Not to mention the fact that my family all absolutely despise him now (and rightly so). I do still love him but I don't know if I can get past the lack of love and respect he showed me and, above all, there is the fear that it could happen again.

I've agreed to go to a joint counselling session with him, and that's all I've agreed to. I don't know if our relationship is in any way salvageable but, at the very least, if it leads to a more amicable parting of the ways that would be positive.

He's never stopped loving me, apparently
The sort of love you need for a marriage isn't just a feeling. It's the actions too. He wasn't loving you when he was being brutal to you, blaming you for his infidelity FGS.

I am the only person he can truly be himself with

Well, that might be true - but he's shown you what that true self is, hasn't he?

Don't listen to him and don't go back he's shown his true colours what an arsehole. He thought the grass was greener, you were shit to him so he cast you and his own kids aside. It hasn't worked out with his bit on the side so he comes running back to you saying just what you want to hear. Don't fall for it not just for your sake but your kids.

Oh boo hoo to your husband. He wasn’t giving a shit when he was merrily running off to shag the other woman and blaming you for everything was he?

He hasn’t suddenly had an epiphany. He’s either been dumped or realised the grass is not in fact greener and is now crawling back with his tail between his legs.

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Honestly, why would you entertain this shit when he was happily telling you what a miserable marriage you had and how you were this, that and the other?. He threw you and your marriage under a bus to get his leg over. His words are NOT to be trusted.

What happens next time he fancies a bit of fun?

He could have left you for the OW without being nasty. He didn't have to insult you or be offensive, but that's what he did. Even if he didn't love you any more, he could have kept it civil, but he didn't have to keep you sweet any more, so could let his callous side shine through.
So whether or not he thinks he made a mistake, whether or not OW dumped him, I should think he's burned his bridges with you, he's shown how nasty he he can be when there's no useful purpose to him in being nice. He is not a nice man. Tell him to take a hike.

I could never trust him again. Frankly, I can't imagine still loving someone after they'd treated me that way. I'd hate him, instead!

Anyway, that would be far too much for me to forgive, no matter what excuses he offers or how much therapy he's willing to have. I'd tell him to go to the counselling to work on himself and leave me well out of it!

He doesn't want OW, he says - they only lasted for about 2 weeks after he left and he could then see she was completely unsuited to him

Not your problem.

He can't just expect to keep you around like an old comfy pair of slippers in case the new ones are a bit uncomfortable. Well, he can, but you can make choices, too.

No doubt with him being so unkind to you up to the point of break up, and then you actually having to dump him, you've gone through a few phases of grief already. Don't waste them. Acceptance comes soon.

I’d be interested to know why him and OW only lasted 2 weeks?? Was it not exciting for them now? Is that where he gets his kicks??

All the nopes - sorry I wouldn’t take him back or even consider any sort of counselling or reconciliation in a million years

So you love a lier, cheat and abuser?

Not really the characteristics l personally would go for!!

The man you loved doesn't exist anymore. If he did he'd have treated you with love and respect. Not cast you and your DC aside like an inconvenience.

He's discovered the grass isn't greener ..... and has such a low opinion of you that he thinks you'll believe his bullshit.

You deserve better. Don't sell yourself short. It will cause you and your DC more heartbreak when the next one comes along

Sorry, op, but this isn't exactly a rare scenario.

Man leaves wife for other woman, other woman quickly gets bored of man, man comes grovelling back to wife.

Not a chance. Don't do it. You'd always be waiting for the next time. Find yourself a nice new one, they're out there I promise.

I think others have probably given good advice, but only you know how you feel. I think I would try and find out what happened with the OW. Did he really ‘come to his senses’ or did she dump him? If the latter, he’ll almost certainly do it again. That’s what happened to me. I took him back, then after 3 years, he did it again, with a different (much younger) woman. I was heartbroken. Now (10 years later) he’s keen for us to ‘meet up’ (OW 2 dumped him). Unbelievable! 🤣😂😂

So she left him then, and now he’s feeling sorry for himself. Tell him to do one.

I'm going to join the no don't take him back camp. I like to deal in facts and work out probability etc, so if you're this was minded my list may resonate...

1. He will cheat again. The saying once a cheat always, a cheat didn't come from no where.

1. He isn't a 'quick shag' cheater - he goes the whole hog. There is cheating to 'have sex' and there is the 'emotional cheater', he is the later and if we assume point 1 is correct, he will put you through this hell again.
2. He has left before. I say this in the sense that he now knows the path and he knows the exit route. It's a bit like when you quit a job for a new better paid job, your current role counter offer and you stay but rarely do people who have already 'mentally left' stay for a long period after. This is another issue for you - he knows the exit route.

1. He will deeply resent you once the process he is having to go through with all the admissions of wrong-doing is done. Once he feels he has 'won you back' and things are ok, he will resent the fact he had to beg you to take him back and he will resent that underlying feeling that will always exist for him, that he somewhat 'owes you'. Counsellors can do a jolly nice job of making everyone feel all good but you can not eradicate how humans behave and feel.

1. Will you really ever trust him again? And I'm not just saying about him cheating but also will you ever trust him again to not just turn on you and be truly horrible?

1. The hard work - this will take years of hard work to fix. Is he worth it ? Is it worth you being emotionally in some erratic/bad places when you have children?

All the energy you put into him when you could be putting it into your children (or anything else that matters to you)?

1. Your self respect, assurance and confidence. I'm not a proud person at all but I know what this would make me do. It would make me look in the mirror at myself and constantly be worried that I'm too fat/thin/unfashionable/old/spotty etc. I would make myself physically ill worrying, wrongly or rightly I know I would do this.

These are some of the big ones that spring to my mind. Like others say, if you think you're strong enough, play along and tell him you will consider counselling once a financial settlement has been made and divorce proceedings started. Think you'd see the truth come out if you said this to him...

It ended because she ended it
She didn't want a life with an old man.
He's been trying to get her back all these months.
You're his last option, I'm his head.
Don't do it to yourself.
You'll regret it and become bitter.

So they only lasted 2 weeks, and hoe long since that had he taken to come back suggesting "reconciliation" ...

Long enough to get tired of doing his own cooking, cleaning, laundry, life admin etc ??

Also as another poster pointed out, he could've left for OW without being cruel, without verbally tearing you to bits.... but he chose to do what he did not a reflection of a character you want to tie yourself up with ongoing.

He never stopped loving me

I bet was wasn’t ‘loving you’ while he was sticking his dick in her and being vile to you.

Keep picturing that. It’ll help you tell him to fuck all the way to off.

I know you have agreed to joint counseling. However, as others have indicated, it really is the next step in his manipulation of you.

Please put yourself first and pull out.

Agree completely that he's coming crawling back because she's kicked him out. Men who have exciting new( free) sex to hand will not let that go in a hurry. It's as basic as that. It really is.
Either that, or he's found out she's off her head in one way or another.
No. She's kicked him out.
Did he move straight in with her and where is he living now?

His actions will speak louder than words.

I will also say that you will never forget his words and how deep they have cut. They will always be there. I'm not sure a new relationship can be built on that foundation. And that's the thing, it would be a new relationship. He doesn't seem to have grasped that you have changed as he hasn't taken the time to find that out, he just wants to get back with the old you. You will never be the same old you.

This is an excellent list. Please don't fall for his manipulative bullshit.

No way, please don't get back with him. He made his choice.

Don't go to the counselling session. He'll use it to try and manipulate you into getting back with him, and the counsellor might side with him and help him manipulate you (it does happen.)

He should be on his knees grovelling. And even then I'd say no.

I know it’s painful but I would sit down and start recalling the things he said and did, the absolute cruelty to you and to your children. This man spent months breaking you piece by piece, lying and gaslighting you, all those months he had a choice about how he acted towards you. That’s the reality of this man. I can well imagine life has been hard for you, really hard. But I bet you’ve moved forward and you’re stronger than you ever imagined.

So now you’re at a crossroads, you can go straight on into a different life with the possibility in time of a new relationship, showing yourself that you can forge a new life OR you can sign up for a lifetime of uncertainty with a man who is doing what @SamphirethePogoingStickerist said; exactly what suits him now, as he did back when he treated you so badly. At best you will be looking over your shoulder at worst he will do it again (Very likely). As everyone has said, it’s likely he’s been dumped and has realised he’s financially better off convincing you to take him back. As for the counselling, it’s accepted that couples counselling should not be done where one party is abusive and manipulative for good reason. You owe him nothing and you deserve a much better future than he can offer 💐

Bless you OP, you might have given up reading by now. Just in case you haven't...

1. I don't think you should take him back. He didn't just leave, he left cruelly. No one fakes that - it's real. Don't spend your life with someone cruel, you deserve better.

2. If you do decide to do couple's counselling, I agree with a PP that you and him should both have solo counselling too at his expense. So maybe a couple's session every fortnight, and solo weekly.

FWIW I usually am in the camp "try couple's counselling, tell your kids you tried" camp, but honestly reading your OP I don't feel that. He has burned all possibility of good will.

And I agree with PP that she left him after 2 weeks and he's been begging her to take him back for the rest of this time - only now he realises he definitely can't win her back is he crawling back to you. Fuck that.

You deserve so much better than this person. Hope that you get shot of him and build a wonderful life for you and kids without his cruelty.

Where has he been living?

In additiin to getting rather bored with doing all the drudgy things I suspect he got done for him in your family home, perhaos he's feeling the pinch of paying for two homes, and thinks he needs to "resolve" that by either moving back in to the family home (or pursuing the financial split & divorce and having more funds if he can't persuade you to let him move back in.

If his accommodation is less than ideal, due to limited finds because there been no financial settlement/split to date, that may also be a factor. Hes perhaps tired of paying for/towards yourself and dcs home and living in less salubrious (?) accommodation himself (given there isn't the second income from ow he was banking on).

Haven’t RTFT just OPs posts.

How did you feel just before you got home and saw him on your doorstep? How did you feel while he was being cruel and brutal? Which situation would want to return to?

I would not believe any bollocks he’s spurting now. He abused you, left you and the children. He’s made his bed and he can lay in it. He showed his true colours.