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Original poster

DH contacted the OW shortly after ‘ending it’…

186 replies

Pickle991 · 11/07/2022 08:29

I have a previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4564371-when-do-you-finally-throw-in-the-towel-after-affair-discovery

To recap I discovered just over half a year ago DH had had multiple affairs. We have 3 young DC. Latest was emotional and physical and he only ended it when I found out at my insistence.

We have been trying to reconcile. Tbh I think I am still in shock. However yesterday I found out he had been in contact with the most recent OW again after he had ended it, shortly after I initially found out.

He said it was to ‘end it properly on his own terms’ and they haven’t restarted anything. I am fairly sure that’s true as I’m not sure he would have had the opportunity. She lives very far away now and DH has been WFH. I have sight over everything inc. bank accounts so I’d notice if anything was amiss. But it just makes me feel there was a lot more between them than he let on although he denies it. He has also looked her up on social media since too, which he doesn’t know I know, but no contact.

I feel like this is just another betrayal AGAIN and it’s small in comparison to everything else, ie, nothing has carried on. But it’s made me feel like the one who has essentially ripped them apart and that DH is only staying for DC and he still misses her. I don’t know if I’m overreacting and should focus on the fact he has been trying to make things work and residual feelings are normal, or if I am always going to be compared unfavourably to her and they would still be together now if I hadn’t found out. It was a fairly long term thing.

We had made some progress reconciling, in that we’re at least not at loggerheads so much, still don’t know if it will work in the long run but it’s been hard and now I don’t know if it’s worth throwing all that away because of this now.

OP posts:
Pollydonia · 11/07/2022 08:33

You cant make things work if you are the only one trying.
He therefore doesn't want to make things work, he wants his comfortable life to continue at home while he shags about.
It would be a hard no from me.

BoJoGoGo · 11/07/2022 08:35

So the deal was you stay together if he ends things and never contacted the OW again and he has made contact with her? He has broken his side of things.
You will be forever checking up on him, he’s a serial cheater.

alphapie · 11/07/2022 08:35

There is no trust or respect in your marriage, you have nothing to throw away. There is nothing left.

Leave for your own sake, don't keep putting effort in to someone who doesn't reciprocate or deserve it.

PersonaNonGarter · 11/07/2022 08:36

Sorry this has happened to you, OP. If you both want this to work, you might need to get some counselling together or apart. It’s going to be really hard to do this alone.

pinkyredrose · 11/07/2022 08:39

Why are you still with him?

Original poster
Pickle991 · 11/07/2022 08:42

@BoJoGoGo @alphapie

thanks for your responses. It was right after I found out / he ended it. So a while ago now. He says he has done everything he possibly can since to make it work. But it maybe just shows he couldn’t help himself and probably had more feelings than he originally let on and wanted to make sure she was ok and end on good terms? Or was this his way of drawing his own line under it to recommit to the marriage? Make sure there were no bad feelings in case he ever tried to go back?

don’t know what to think.

OP posts:
Summersolargirl · 11/07/2022 08:44

Multiple affairs and the last one fairly long term? So basically he’s been cheating for most of your marriage? Why are you trying to stay with him nd doing the pick me dance? Surely you know he’s only there for the children and will be gone soon enough?

parenthood1989 · 11/07/2022 08:46

We have been trying to reconcile.

After he had multiple affairs, why?

He is never going to be the husband you want. He is a lying chest who has no respect for you. That will not change.

parenthood1989 · 11/07/2022 08:47

Cheat Blush

BoJoGoGo · 11/07/2022 08:47

Sorry just to confirm he made contact with the OW just after he ended it and not as far as you know recently?

Snowflakes1122 · 11/07/2022 08:48

Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?

Come on OP, you deserve better.

ladydoris · 11/07/2022 08:49

Multiples affairs? I throw the towel.

Original poster
Pickle991 · 11/07/2022 08:52

@BoJoGoGo yes that’s right, so he ended it after I found out, at my insistence really, and then contacted her afterwards without me knowing at the time.
he hasn’t been in contact since as far as I know.

OP posts:
BoJoGoGo · 11/07/2022 08:53

When was this?

cafcass123 · 11/07/2022 08:57

I remember reading somewhere that it takes a certain amount of time after they have 'ended' it for it to actually 'end'. Not in terms of continuing the affair, just in terms of terminating all contact. I can't remember how long it takes but it is related to how long they had the affair for.
I hope you're ok.

Angelina1972 · 11/07/2022 09:02

How are you today?

I really feel for you during this difficult time OP. I agree you probably are in shock.

He may have stayed in contact with this particular OW because he feels guilty about ending it with her. Or she may have been upset and he was worried about her.

this is so inappropriate on all levels. Remind him that she has friends and family of her own and can seek advice and support from them. It is no longer his place to offer support or a checking in service.

For him to fully recommit to you and your children he needs to stop all contact with all of the OW. And turn towards you as a priority. Otherwise he may lose his family.

Would he agree to go to couples therapy with you? The old relationship before the revelation of what he’s been up to is now gone. A new relationship needs to be forged with new terms and boundaries for the future.

AnyFucker · 11/07/2022 09:04

they would still be together now if I hadn’t found out

yes they would

PetersRabbitt · 11/07/2022 09:06

I know a guy who is a serial cheater, is never ever faithful. When I asked him how he gets away with it, he said “women know what your doing, they choose to believe the lies I tell them.”

shocking I know, but that is the horrible reality of most situations

Original poster
Pickle991 · 11/07/2022 09:07

@Angelina1972

thank you… well it was a while ago he last contacted her as far as I know but I only found out recently, that’s all. It was like he said what he did originally when he ended it for my benefit, as I saw what he had written to her, and then unbeknownst to me, contacted her again after that, even though it was supposedly all done and dusted.

as I said no continuance of the actual affair as far as I know and am pretty certain of this.

he is in therapy but we are not doing couple’s therapy yet, although it is probably a good idea.

OP posts:
Kitten2 · 11/07/2022 09:10

How is he finding these women to have affairs with?

Walking away from a marriage is incredibly hard. But he is making it abundantly clear he can not and will not be monogamous.
It will always be something that comes up.

If you want a faithful husband, walk away, divorce and take your share of the equity. And start again. Find peace alone or find someone else.

parenthood1989 · 11/07/2022 09:10

he is in therapy but we are not doing couple’s therapy yet, although it is probably a good idea.

You don't need a man that has put you in therapy.

cafcass123 · 11/07/2022 09:13

'compared unfavourably to her'

Please realise that the comparison is far from equitable. I don't know about anyone else, but when you live with someone they see you: first thing in the morning, crusty eyes, smelly breath; putting the bins out; shaving your legs, etc. A lot of the conversations with your OH will be about family things, moaning about work stresses, offloading, paying the bills. There's only a portion of time spent with a permanent partner which could be counted as 'fun'.
With an affair partner: 100% fun time.
No comparison
If he has half a brain, he should realise that.

ArcticRoll2 · 11/07/2022 09:24

You are a much stronger woman than me for even trying to get your relationship back on track after the initial affairs as I personally would not be able to forget, forgive or trust in terms of that relationship again.

the fact that he ended it after your insistence is shocking. He clearly does not respect you or care about your feelings.

I think you deserve better after giving this man a family and this is how he repays you? Not a chance thank you very much and good bye.

of course you have to do what feels right for you. But I would urge you to not stay in a relationship for the sake of your children. You have one life and if you waste a second longer in a relationship where you are not appreciated or loved the way you deserve your children will observe this whether you realise or not and that speaks volumes to me.

Original poster
Pickle991 · 11/07/2022 10:06

@ArcticRoll2 I know making the decision to try and reconcile seems strange. The issue I have now is whether this discovery is a sackable offence as it were, or if it happened months ago and I should concentrate on his behaviour since, or if the fact he was so concerned about her just shows his true feelings about the whole thing and any attempt at reconciliation is just papering over the cracks, and really he is staying for DC rather than me…

thank you though I do understand what you are saying. I am in two minds about it all the time.

OP posts:
ArcticRoll2 · 11/07/2022 10:10

I think the only person that knows the answer to that is you as you will be the one who has to live with it. I’m sure either way has it’s pros and cons so ultimately it is what is more important to you and what you willing to live with or without in this case. I hope you get through it whatever you decide so you can concentrate on your happiness whatever way it comes to you.