DH contacted the OW shortly after ‘ending it’…

[Pickle991]

I have a previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4564371-when-do-you-finally-throw-in-the-towel-after-affair-discovery

To recap I discovered just over half a year ago DH had had multiple affairs. We have 3 young DC. Latest was emotional and physical and he only ended it when I found out at my insistence.

We have been trying to reconcile. Tbh I think I am still in shock. However yesterday I found out he had been in contact with the most recent OW again after he had ended it, shortly after I initially found out.

He said it was to ‘end it properly on his own terms’ and they haven’t restarted anything. I am fairly sure that’s true as I’m not sure he would have had the opportunity. She lives very far away now and DH has been WFH. I have sight over everything inc. bank accounts so I’d notice if anything was amiss. But it just makes me feel there was a lot more between them than he let on although he denies it. He has also looked her up on social media since too, which he doesn’t know I know, but no contact.

I feel like this is just another betrayal AGAIN and it’s small in comparison to everything else, ie, nothing has carried on. But it’s made me feel like the one who has essentially ripped them apart and that DH is only staying for DC and he still misses her. I don’t know if I’m overreacting and should focus on the fact he has been trying to make things work and residual feelings are normal, or if I am always going to be compared unfavourably to her and they would still be together now if I hadn’t found out. It was a fairly long term thing.

We had made some progress reconciling, in that we’re at least not at loggerheads so much, still don’t know if it will work in the long run but it’s been hard and now I don’t know if it’s worth throwing all that away because of this now.

He betrayed your trust again, and again sounds unrepentant about it.

It just depends how much betrayal you want to tolerate before you end this.

His version of reconciliation is that you need to trust him, even though he keeps proving he is untrustworthy.

Whatever you decide, I don't think this will be the last betrayal.

I can't believe you are still considering spending your life being lied to, cheated on and treated like a piece of shit. Why?

This.

You don't want to live the rest of your life as a prison warden.

Why live you life like that? Surely you know that he is sooner or later gonna fill the gap the other woman left when you found out. How can you ever trust him again?

DH had had multiple affairs.

Mate ...

He is defective.

He's a dud.

There's something not wired right with him .. for a monogamous relationship.

It could be his genetics, could be his upbringing, could be he had personality disorders etc etc. He's extremely extremely unlikely to change.

This guy is not marriage or monogamous relationship material. Just accept that and either end the relationship or stay and realise he will always be cheating on you. The latter is not a way to live for 99% of people.

He's also a risk for stds that affect your health, or if you have any more kids with hmm, your unborn babies' health. He's also a risk for extra marital children - the maintenance of which will reduce your kids financial situation. He's also a risk for leaving you at some point, no matter what you put up with.

You're clearly not OK with his serial infidelity (who would be?) or you wouldnt be posting here, or focusing focusing ultimatums re contacting his latest affair partner. You can't libe like this and be happy. He's unlikely to stop.

Even if he did become a different person and stop, how you could get past what he's done ...

Stop trying to make a dog, a dud into a husband. When it comes to relationships, to loyalty, to decency, to honesty etc he is trash. He needs thrown in the trash bin, and then you concentrate on yourself, your kids, and as civil a co parenting relationship you can have with someone like him.

Oh and you can meet someone decent if you want, in time.

I've been with several men who dont cheat. Not all men are like him. Recognise he's a dud and chuck him.

*He's also a risk for stds that affect your health, or if you have any more kids with hmm, your unborn babies' health. He's also a risk for extra marital children - the maintenance of which will reduce your kids financial situation. He's also a risk for leaving you at some point, no matter what you put up with.

Just to add, he's also probably misusing family money in his affairs, as is often the case.

And the biggest detriment, that I didn't ficus on enough, is to your mental health. Cheating is a type of abuse, you are being abused, whether he means to or not, and it's extremely difficult to be the best you can be in life, whether in your job, as a parent, whatever... when you are being abused; and are distracted, stressed etc by the pain, upset, anger, worry, frustration etc. you are naturally feeling.

The fact that it's repeated/serial just makes it much worse.

To recap I discovered just over half a year ago DH had had multiple affairs. We have 3 young DC. Latest was emotional and physical and he only ended it when I found out at my insistence

Sorry op, it's sad to see that you are desperately trying to salvage something that is long dead in the water. This relationship is so over a long time ago. Why would you even want to salvage something like this. There is no love, no trust, nothing good here. He has betrayed you, your children and made a joke of this so called marriage. His efforts are forced at your insistence. Do you really want a man so badly that treated you so badly.
It is very sad to see you Cling on to this.

@LooseGoose22 oh yes he spent a lot (a LOT) of money on gifts for latest OW.

the scary thing is how he had so many affairs and I didn’t even realise until the most recent. How can he detach so easily. So he can be that cold and detached and then can’t bear the thought of ending on remotely bad terms with the OW?

he has been repentant but seems like just lip service sometimes. Just so frustrated it feels like progress is being made and then straight back into feeling like shit.

thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. It is a type of abuse. Like gaslighting in a way. You question your entire history.

Off course he is there only for the kids. You need counselling to help you see this. He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you, sad sad situation.

and really he is staying for DC rather than me…

To simply thus- he has repeatedly cheated on you. Thus is just the latest, so questioning his particular feelings for his latest affair partner is rather ... irrelevant. (She's not all that special, since she's one of several).

That means he is either;

A. A man who cannot be faithful.

Or

B. A man who cannot be faithful to you.

If B. (I think very unlikely) then he could not have the right feelings for you. Because he would not keep cheating on you, involving himself with other women etc.

It always says that he is not a decent person, in the most basic sevae, because he knows its treating someone very badly, not fairly... but he's of with staying and doing that. Anyone with real decency, kids involved or not, would say "I don't feel the right way, I'm very sorry, I think we should split, I'll take the kids every (whatever) and pay (whatever).
He I'd not a good enough person or a string enough person to do that ... so you will have to

I actually think its A.

But it's irrelevant.
Because he's tested you appallingly, around have been gotten rid of the first time his infidelity was discovered. Or at the very least, the second- when it became clear it is a pattern.

It's 3 that you know about.

At this point if you stay with him you pretty much have to accept he won't be faithful to you.

Can you live with that?

You are a much stronger woman than me for even trying to get your relationship back on track after the initial affairs as I personally would not be able to forget, forgive or trust in terms of that relationship again.

I don't think staying with him is a sign of strength. Quite the opposite in fact.

Op have you had an Sti test?

Reading through your posts it seems like you need permission from someone to leave. You don’t! You will not be able to move on from this as you now know he is a different person to the one you thought you married. Staying is only going to seriously damage your mental and probably physical health. Think of what you are teaching your dc’s by letting his behaviour seem acceptable. Men like him will not change their behaviour just the way they operate to cover it up. Just remember even if you are the one that actually ends it it was HIS choice to cheat and effectively end your marriage. You have the right to be happy and your children will be 100% better off if they have a happy mum that is concentrating on them rather than be in a constant state of anxiety about what their dad is up to.

*around have been gotten rid of

Why the fuck are you trying to save something that
a) can't be saved because he's a sexually incontinent asshole
And
b) isn't worth saving?

He's spent your entire marriage lying to you, and he's continuing to do so.

You had to 'insist' he finish the affair
He contacted her AGAIN after a f continued to lie to you about contacting her

Why are you giving this man anymore of your time!

He will do this again and again and again.

Life is way too short to have a shitty partner

I also presume he didn't 'tell you he'd contacted her' you found out somehow?

You’ve been told umpteen times on this thread aswell as the previous one that he is a serial cheat and won’t change.

why won’t you get that and leave him whilst you still have some self respect?

Google "sunk costs fallacy".

Brick walls only injure the person hitting their head on them. Must be shit to live like this.

Chuck him back into his sexually incontinent cesspool...

Of course he is there only for the kids

And probably for his own convenience.

And probably due to history, habit etc etc.

Also these people are sometimes hilariously "but I love you" when they look like they're going to be dumped.

They can do the cheating, the dumping/leaving, but their partber can't.

If it looks like they're going to be dumped, they'll actually fight to get the status quo back. So they're in prime position again; they're in control, not being rejected, not suffering any change/inconvenience, abd can cheat if they want to (and dump the other person if and when when choose to).

Sometimes they really think they love the person they cheat on or abuse .... their type of "love" is not worth having though.

You know what he’s like. You either accept that and turn a blind eye to the shagging about and cash splashing, or you leave.

There’s no point trying to change him. All this wittering about couples counselling is pointless. He won’t commit to monogamy. Save your time and money.

If you opt to stay take regular STD checks, keep an eye on the bank accounts, and ask him to be discreet for your DC sake.

They also want to look respectable, normal & successful to family, society etc. - another reasin they'll fight to stay.

keep an eye on the bank accounts

He'll just find ways to better hide his spending on/with affair partners

@LooseGoose22

The reality is that even if he splash’s the cash and OP did see and notice. He has already seen that it doesn’t warrant any real consequence - so I’m not sure he will be anymore careful that the first few times he was doing this.

the scary thing is how he had so many affairs and I didn’t even realise until the most recent.

Ah so you found out about all at the same time roughly.

It must have been really shocking, and a huge amount to get your head around, and make you feel like your relationship
/marriage has been a lie.

However, it doesn't change the bottom line, it doesn't change what he is.

And what he is, is not marriage (or even monogamous relationship) material.